prismaticbleed | UPMC: WORKBOOK PAGES (Reply)

(from various workbooks)

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TRAUMA RECOVERY

+ Trauma survivors may try to stay busy all the time so they don't have to talk or think about the event = that is ABSOLUTELY ME.
+ Trauma survivors may feel sad or numb, & lose interest in what they used to enjoy. It may be hard to feel or express any positive emotions. = Trauma killed off ALL our interests for YEARS. Positive emotions were crushed; they felt "dissonant" & "incomprehensible" amidst the terror. It ALSO caused FEAR/ DENIAL OF LOVE. (Terrified that vulnerability will invite or cause more abuse)
+ Trauma survivors may feel guilt or shame about the trauma itself, such as wishing they had done more to keep it from happening = EVEN IF THAT WOULD REALISTICALLY HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE!!
+ Trauma survivors may develop unhealthy behaviors = EATING DISORDER, ADDICTION, SELF-ABUSE, AGGRESSION, ETC.
+ Unwelcome memories about trauma can come up at any time = and they like to LOOP INSISTENTLY.
+ You may also have nightmares about the trauma = They may not be of the exact abuse memory, BUT EXACT "ESSENCE"
+ Trauma memories can happen because of triggers, which are things that remind you of the event. = Having complex/ prolonged/ repeated trauma means that we have MANY triggers, some "bizarre"-- as trauma increased, more things became associated with it through repetition, proximity, AND hyperarousal. Same with avoidance of situations that may be triggering: this can become EXTREME if trauma holds a large enough domain/ is socially apparent (sexuality; it's built in to EVERYONE so you CAN'T RUN)

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BODY IMAGE

+ Our obsession with this has TRAUMA/ OBJECTIFICATION ROOTS??? Focused on "CONTROL OF BODY", especially on how BIG/ HEAVY it is??? REFLECT ON THIS!!

Some of the most common consequences of body image obsession are:
Marginalization of other areas of life = Can't be "real me" IF fat/ big/ curvy, so CANNOT do ANY "self-involvement" activities!
Constantly checking weight & shape of the body = Constant terrified awareness; desperately wanting to see a change
Avoidance of the body = IT IS A PRISON/ ABUSER. "NOT ME." Wanted to REWIND PUBERTY/ ERASE TRAUMA "CHARACTERISTICS"; "return self"
Feeling of being fat = Trauma hypervigilance to touch; especially "sensations" concerning the physical location OF trauma

★ "BODY CONTROL" OBSESSION: response to LOSS OF CONTROL/ HELPLESSNESS concerning my body in SEXUAL ABUSE/ PUBERTY (both UNWANTED & TERRIFYING)!!
+ Did NOT want "curves" or "filling out"; feared "desirability/ attractiveness"; "DOOMED TO HAVE SEX"??
+ DID NOT WANT TO BE A "WOMAN", let alone LOOK like one; desperately rejected body changes/ development
+ Associated a round/ protruding stomach with PREGNANCY (SEX)
+ "STORING" abuse/ poison IN "FAT"? Literally "could FEEL it" if I touched/ grabbed my abdomen
+ BODY FELT LIKE AN ACTIVELY MALEVOLENT PRISON; I NEVER felt safe in it-- didn't even want to be/ feel HUMAN
+ "LOSING WEIGHT" = "LOSING THE HEAVINESS INSIDE ME" = "BEING FREED FROM WHAT WAS PUT ON ME/ IN ME"
★ ALSO gastrointestinal "management" attempt? TONS of abdominal pain/ distress in youth (remember the hernias!), PLUS that "fear of poison" from exposure to rotten/ old food??
★ BEING "FORCED" TO EAT FOODS THAT HURT/ THAT I DIDN'T WANT WAS ANALOGOUS TO SEXUAL FORCING/ PAIN & VIOLATION-- BOTH OCCURRED IN THE SAME BODYSPACE, AND I WAS HELPLESS (even worse, both ALSO involved a FEMALE "AUDIENCE/ ABUSER")

★ A BIG PROBLEM is that I used the eating disorder TO FACILITATE THE ESCAPE FROM/ DENIAL OF "LIFE" THAT HAD BECOME INTOLERABLE DUE TO TRAUMA. I was SPECIFICALLY RUNNING AWAY FROM "social development"??? The eating disorder gave RELIEF in that it "EXCUSED" ME FROM those things I had been trying to escape since childhood-- notably sexuality & relationships in general??? I'm not sure but it's deeply upsetting. I secretly really don't want to be so terrified.
★ TRAUMA RECOVERY WILL BE ESSENTIAL TO PROPERLY ACHIEVE THIS!!