prismaticbleed | dream journal 101322 (Reply)

...i was with chaos 0, somewhere. indoors, by ourselves.
i don't remember exactly what the place looked like except it was metallic? white tones everywhere. quiet. felt like he had "found me" there, like he had been looking for me. i felt deeply lost.
all i remember is him standing before me, hesitantly reaching out to me, and asking me in that emotion-wave way of his:
"do you want me to/ is it safe for me to/ can I love you?"
and my heart broke and i quietly but fervently replied,
"please. please."
no fear. no lust. everything so vulnerable & true. love so tender it ached.

later we were together again, somewhere else. this time i was seeing us in third person, while still "being" me. we were kneeling next to some sort of inground indoors pool (very common in my dreams), in that same silent empty building, facing each other.
we were talking, briefly. i forget about what. but at the end, i stopped, and with a sort of finality, suddenly unbuttoned my shirt, exposing my heart.
i said to him, in that same emotion-wave way:
"here; this is/ you can take/ you can have everything that I am. do whatever you want to/ with me."
...the look he gave me.
he looked right at my heart. his eyes spoke volumes-- he knew both how significant my offer was, how total; how much power I was giving him... and how carefully, gently, tenderly he needed to handle it.
he did hesitate. i saw it in that green confession, the underlying heartache as he recognized the abuse talking in my words. he would never be part of that.
...then he looked up at me.
and i knew, floored by the compassion I saw, that he had not only accepted my giving, but embraced it; embracing ALL of me, and wordlessly entreating me to do the same.
with an expression so profound it melted my heart to match his, he gently but ardently reached out to me, cupped my face in those blue claws, and kissed me.
just like the tide rushing in.
he pressed his heart to my own, water on blood, and i realized that he was, in turn, giving me all of himself, too.
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer.

...i noticed that i'm still calling him my "husband," in every dream. my heart is ineffably committed. even when i'm feeling faceless and numb. it doesn't change the truth.
he's always so quiet, gentle, attentive, and considerate... always so ardent, protective, zealous, sincere, and totally present. he's a river and an ocean, rain and a tidal wave, all at once.
half chaos, half calm. everything.