UPMC journal 092822

[prismaticbleed]

post-breakfast//

We were hopeful & brave this morning & emulated a DINER BREAKFAST. We had COFFEE, we put KETCHUP on the eggs, AND we put SYRUP on the French Toast-- and ONLY cut it into 8 pieces! We ate like an AVERAGE JOE and it was actually really nice! Being so determined to "eat in a way that allows/ facilitates common community" made it EASIER to forgive ourselves for the (unfortunately) "inevitable" humiliations of spilling salt (don't be superstitious!!) & pepper (packets do tear), and getting ketchup & syrup on our hands (STILL a HUGE trauma trigger, BUT--) because including OURSELF in the "everyday person" group, NOT some "reject/ unusual outsider/ outlier" meant we COULDN'T hold ourself to a spotless, impeccable, pristine, undefiled, immaculate, "GOOD" but superhuman standard. We THOUGHT that perfectionism would "make us holy" by protecting/ insulating us from DIRT/ FILTH/ IMPURITY/ CONTAMINATION/ POISON, both physically & spiritually, BUT it ultimately just promoted antisocial behavior, fueled our OCD fears, and stoked the fatal fire of PRIDE. Our "separation" from "the unclean/ immoral" was a Pharisaical false ideal, utterly merciless, callous, and INHERENTLY ANTI-CHRISTIAN!!! So it MUST STOP. The only problem is that, especially with today's DIRECT experience of it, such a "slackening of standards" is felt & perceived as MORAL LAXITY, as "giving in to sin" and "boorish sloveliness." Even though we WANT to be a part of the community, our darned pride has us SCARED of "MORAL CONTAMINATION" if we associate with people who, "God forbid," watch sitcoms or read Harry Potter or admire celebrities or listen to Top 40 or who aren't afraid to spill pancake syrup on their shirt because "I'll just wash it later." They don't seem to even FATHOM the "possible threat to their integrity & purity" BY that syrup escaping its proper context, and BY that "distortion of definition"-- food ONLY exists AS food when in the PROPER context of container or containment-- it is horribly & instantly malformed, becoming DIRT, filth, mess, SIN. Syrup on your shirt means YOU destroyed its proper purpose-- YOU removed it from orderly function and CORRUPTED its very nature! YOUR STICKY SHIRT IS A PROOF OF YOUR DEPRAVITY; IT IS A PREVIEW OF HELL, WHERE ALL IS UNCLEAN!!!! So you see even further our ridiculous hypocrisy. Just like those pitiable Pharisees, we are SO afraid to admit OUR even acknowledge our OBJECTIVE sinfulness, because WE DON'T HAVE ANY HOPE OF MERCY. And that is BOTH FATAL AND UNTRUE. Christ IS Truth, and He IS MERCY!!! Yet... we are SO SCARED of the appalling DEPTH of our depravity that admitting it FEELS LIKE DAMNATION-- we are hopelessly FILTHY. We forget the Cross, the sign of salvation from the WORST of sins, provided we ADMIT & BRING & SHOW them to Christ Crucified, Who ALONE can wash us clean and TRULY PURIFY us, OVER & OVER FOREVER, through the FOUND OF MERCY of HIS PIERCED HEART, the most blessed & beautiful & PURE spring of BLOOD & WATER that flows ETERNALLY and ABUNDANTLY. Jesus doesn't care if you spill the entire bottle of syrup over yourself; GO TO HIM LIKE THAT, SHAMED & CONTRITE BUT TRUSTING IN HIS MERCY WITH ALL HOPE, and HE WILL WASH YOU COMPLETELY CLEAN!! THAT'S why He ate with sinners, with filthy gross unclean shameful prostitutes & gluttons like ourselves. He CAN & WILL HEAL THEM AND US, if His Mercy is met with hope & repentance!! And we ARE sorry, UNBEARABLY sorry, but we need HOPE. God CAN clean up even our dirt. And once we trust that, we need not despair at "inevitable ACCIDENTAL spills" anymore.
This is like the ROOT of ALL our problems here in a real sense, AND it's the STRONGEST ROOT of trauma consequence, the biggest obstacle preventing us from even LOOKING at it, let alone admitting it or coping with it. We're so terrified of the "contamination" being both SO thorough and SO heavily imposed that it is INDELIBLE, UNHEALABLE. We foolishly overestimate sin's power, but oh thank GOD to at least subconsciously know that GOD IS SOVEREIGN, EVEN OVER TRAUMA, and no matter WHAT the devil does, OR how brutally and horrifically the demons may damage you and others, THEY HAVE ALREADY LOST. Their efforts are DOOMED TO FUTILITY. Listen, sincerely-- GOD IS LOVE, LIFE, & TRUTH. Literally ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that harms/ hinders life, rejects/ distorts truth, AND/OR abuses love in ANY WAY, is OBJECTIVELY IMPERMANENT and CANNOT last forever-- unless, through free will alone, we CHOOSE to hold onto it INSTEAD of the ultimate reality of GOD-- Who IS mercy & forgiveness & peace & purity & healing & hope! THAT IS WHAT'S REAL. Yes, trauma DID happen, but it's inherently transitory BECAUSE IT'S NOT OF GOD!! So please, anchor that truth DEEP in your heart, and cling to the Cross, and even in the deepest misery you WILL find refuge & consolation & forgiveness & restoration. GOD LOVES YOU.
★ But... even then, my biggest fear seems to be my free will, the ONLY stamped ticket to hell. AM I choosing TO be filthy & impure, BY "relaxing" my moral standards around food?? The Holy Spirit is firmly, insistently saying "NO" in my heart. MARK 7:15-23 sums it up. AND ACTS 11:7-9!!! Literally NO food OR secular exposure can corrupt my soul-- ONLY if I CHOOSE to be wicked, licentious, covetous, deceptive, foolish, greedy, conniving, judgmental, bitter, ARROGANT, or any other sinful thing! NOTHING OUTSIDE CAN MAKE ME CHOOSE THOSE SINS. That means that ALL apparently non-sinful contexts ARE "SAFE" to an extent? Of course I MUST avoid ALL occasions AND temptations TO sin, BUT I CANNOT condemn external things FOR my sin-- ONLY my OWN moral weakness, ignorance, and confusion. Getting ketchup on my hands WON'T sent me to hell, and such "messiness" IS NOT an "external proof" of internal "corruption"; THAT'S YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE talking!!!
★ Honestly, I'm not actually afraid to eat with OR associate with other people. If I shared breakfast with someone and they dropped their whole plate on their lap, I'd HELP them clean up and REASSURE them it was okay and "NOT a problem" and I DIDN'T "think poorly of them" and I wouldn't care if I got my hands dirty, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE FROM CHARITY!!! The ONLY things I'm afraid of is my OWN "purity" being destroyed-- ALREADY a proud assumption-- BUT this example seems to suggest that, paradoxically, OTHER PEOPLE ARE PURE AND INCORRUPTIBLE??? Like even on the previous page, ALL my "contamination fears" spring from AN ALREADY 'CONTAMINATED" SELF; we were the ONLY one CAPABLE of doing the damnable things-- SEEING others "be normal/ lax in behavior" DIDN'T DAMN THEM, but was a TEMPTATION TO SIN IN OURSELVES, because if WE did those things, it WOULD REQUIRE BETRAYING OUR OWN MORAL STANDARDS, even by accident. It's hell. If I spill the syrup it's a REVELATION of my moral hypocrisy & sinful nature/ past, an uncovering of shame, a death sentence to a criminal now damned by solid evidence. I FEAR seeing others spill it because it REMINDS me of what I'm terrified of, BUT I would NEVER impute actual guilt to them. I am the sinful one. They ONLY spilled it BECAUSE of me and MY overwhelming guilt. Like, I'd IMMEDIATELY think, "oh no, now they're suffering the guilt of MY sin because I didn't confess it (properly)/ repent (truly)/ admit my own wretchedness!" And I PANIC, TERRIFIED, like the syrup itself is the guillotine looming. It's STILL EGOCENTRIC ARROGANCE!!! The CHRISTIAN thing to do would be to FORGET about myself COMPLETELY, and serve that person's needs with COMPASSION-- gentleness, consideration, mercy, kindness, patience, SELFLESS SERVICE & ATTENTIVE CONCERN!!! But you CANNOT do ANYTHING virtuous with SUCH A TORTUROUSLY GUILTY CONSCIENCE. The only hope of release is to GO TO CONFESSION, and be BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING. Put ALL that ancient horrid filth in Christ's Hands. Stop burying it in denial, stop hiding it in shame, stop denying it in despair! Doing that only PERPETUATES it, and IMPRISONS you in misery! LET GO AND LET GOD WASH YOU CLEAN IN HIS BLOOD. HE CAN AND WILL PURIFY YOU, AT LONG LAST.


Some additional breakfast notes:
+ French toast NEEDS time to chew AND CUT; the crust is super firm/ chewy. Don't rush OR crawl; be mindful.
+ Be prudent w/ syrup! Only use half the container, if that (we did). Too much is dangerous, both physically (sugar rush) and mentally (addiction), EVEN spiritually (intemperance/ indulgence)! BUT it IS proper/ allowed TO use, because it is a COMMON/ AVERAGE/ "INTENDED" combo w/ the toast, and we don't want to fear OR despise/ judge common food!
★ It's OKAY to "like" a food, esp. a sweet one OR other "forbidden/ morally dangerous" item. FOOD ISN'T EVIL, AND IT CANNOT CORRUPT YOU. Even syrup, eaten IN A VIRTUOUS MANNER, with gratitude to God, can be used for Good!!
+ Coffee is bitter, remember! But it's not scary. It's a FAMILY food, shockingly-- I think ONLY Diamond doesn't regularly drink it. So there is DEEP affection there, & being ABLE to now participate in that common unitive experience is a real blessing.
★ I don't know if we should try adding ONE sugar (plus our 2 creamers); if only to overcome that "moral judgment" we still sadly hold about sugar. Remember grandma always took 3 SUGARS, and her moral integrity was unaffected! Same to you, IF you LET GO of that condemning attitude towards GOD'S CREATION AND PEOPLE! I don't want to give ANY power to sxtrauma anymore. EVEN SUGAR IS INNOCENT. Don't force it if it's not wise/ proper/ prudent for your situation/ state/ obedience, BUT don't condemn OR fear it, either. Trust God! He rules over ALL things!!
+ Eggs + JUST ketchup = MORE CAMPER MEMORIES??? That is blowing my mind!! But it's specifically NOT the VFW OR hose company-- THOSE have the PEPPER!!! This is fascinating. And I love feeling my history as REAL again. Plain, they're ONE SUGAR PACKET AWAY from being EASTER CHEESE, pretty much! Their texture is SO LOVELY. And they taste NOTHING like an omelet! Their focus is yolk; omelets are more milk?? We'll find out. But THANKS FOR EGG, GOD ♥



post-lunch//

NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ We ate the burger in ONE direction, NOT "circling" around the center, AND resisted that old compulsion to "save the (allegedly) best bit (center) for last," instead trusting God & gratefully treating/ experiencing the ENTIRE burger! It's peppery & mushroomy, with bits of carrot, bell pepper, onion, & water chestnut; it's NICE with the cheese and the texture IS good!! It is just VERY dense, and slightly rubbery, so it REQUIRES small bites & thorough chewing (~20m). We had no trouble there, again thanks to patiently trusting Jesus.
★ We STARTED w/ the applesauce, and got nothing but vague unease UNTIL we closed our eyes to turn OFF sensory input overrides of internal data-- and IMMEDIATELY got a powerful memory association of SUNDAY DINNERS w/ family, applesauce & pork chops on our plate, dreadfully anxious. WHAT happened at/ around family dinners that has little us SO UPSET? She's bracing for impact, almost-- waiting for "inevitable disaster" to hit. We imagined the family reassuring her, stating their love, AND promising that "if we ever DO fight, we will ALWAYS forgive & make peace after, AND we still/ always love you/ each other." She was comforted a little but not consoled? Now wanted to CRY, feeling safe enough TO do so. Reason still unknown. Not even tied TO the food; she just lost her appetite from nerves, & was sick/ miserable at the thought of being FORCED to eat it, while feeling like that. THAT'S a "POISONING" fear root-- like the chocolate milk incident!! She'd be burying/ suppressing her sadness/ fear and then SWALLOWING it down, making the APPLESAUCE a "fear food" by such explicit association! WEIRDLY the pork chops AREN'T-- or rather, THEY are only scary as a CONCEPT!! Their presence WITH the "swallowable fear" food made their future presence scary, BUT!! MEAT HAS TO BE CUT UP & CHEWED, and those "subtly violent" actions PROBABLY HELPED VENT/ EXPRESS THE FRUSTRATED ANXIETY that was otherwise being choked down without any possible resistance (i.e. chewing, cutting)!!! THAT'S HUGE. I must add, though-- the thought of being ALONE w/ grandma, at our young age, and HER "feeding" us the applesauce, ISN'T SCARY?? So there's a LOT to think upon/ feel out here!
+ THE PUDDING TASTED EXACTLY LIKE THE CREAM SAUCE GRANDMA WOULD MAKE FOR THE FLUFFY RHUBARB CAKE. Oh my goodness that meant SO MUCH to us; thank You God!! We FORGOT that was even a thing, and ALL our memories OF that dessert are, monumentally, PURELY POSITIVE!!! That is almost UNHEARD OF for food memories, especially desserts (due to shame/ fear/ guilt)!! But this one is actually joyful. And realizing the memory today, it hit us so hard... WITHOUT this EXACT identically flavored food being able to relive that memory... we could NEVER experience it again. When grandma went home to God, she took ALL her baking with her. Those lovely memories are forever past, now... or at least, literally so. But God, in His great compassion, has given us the totally unexpected & heartachingly beautiful opportunity, however small, TO touch those experiences again even now, to tangibly re-live not only our childhood but also our love-- a chance to feel it with powerfully bittersweet directness, our grief briefly but genuinely transmuted into deepest affection, illuminated by our remembrance of her brought fresh into the Now, almost as if she were still right there beside us.

✳ A VITAL POST-LUNCH RECOVERY RISK UPDATE: REDUCE THE FLUIDS!!!
We are compulsively trying to push THREE TO FOUR entire cups of fluid WITH meals, not realizing that such liquid volume IS STILL VOLUME AND IT WILL TRIGGER THE BULIMIC PANIC RESPONSE!!!! When there is that much tangible "fullness" it sets off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS and we instinctively, in a survival reaction, want to GET IT OUT so we will be safe-- AND "empty." That "emptiness" is held in sharp contrast to "fullness" in an AUTONOMIC sense-- the horror of violation, and the resulting invasion/ infection from a malicious foreign body, resulting in BOTH LOSS OF SELF/ IDENTITY AND OUR SELF BEING SWALLOWED UP BY THAT VIOLATOR'S SELF. Annihilation through forced override-- a heaviness on us taking over us, suffocating & pinning us down, overriding EVERYTHING with its own weight and heft and "fullness"; it forces itself into our body, stuffing it like a parasitic wasp, and leaving us bloated and ravaged, doomed to agonizing death. I have NO idea WHERE the ultimate roots of this are. They're SO OLD. Yes there have been FAR too many "replants" of those evil seeds since the unknown beginning-- TBAS being the tragically explicit example-- but WHEN did it START? WAS there something in childhood?? The EARLIEST clear incident we can actively remember is from 2011, in the psych ward, with our roommate. She was huge, she was invasive, we were small, we were trapped & helpless. We're STILL shaking from that shock, deep down. But PRIOR to that? I have no clue. If I had to guess, I'd suspect something with Mom, unintentionally of course, as her scent STILL scares us with an unconscious but SPECIFIC fear of being smothered & trapped. This is no fear of hugs-- the paralysis is from being PINNED, or otherwise restrained. Notably, Grandpa's bigness is a threat in memory, but NOT an offender?? Like we recognize POTENTIAL for that danger in his bigness, BUT it WASN'T used to smother us ever. Actually it seems we ONLY get that fear from WOMEN??? Men would THROW their weight around, so with Grandpa we feared his utilizing that bulk in RAGE, like a snorting bull, ready to gore you with sheer brute force. We feared the strength of that weight, channeled into slams or charges or punches, or holding you down like a dying butterfly facing a pin, frantic but crushed by those iron bars he called arms. We never FELT the weight ITSELF. The threat was active, direct. But women were indirect, passive, like being locked in an oubliette with the walls closing in, the air getting heavy with noxious vapors. SHEER TERROR. BUT WHY???
✳ In any case, STOP TRIGGERING THIS BY DRINKING SO MUCH AT ONCE!!! Cut down to ONE coffee or tea at breakfast, and ONE tea at meals that have fluids included! You CAN ask for more water, but DON'T "obligate" yourself to drowning by compulsively asking for TWO by default!! If you're still thirsty, ask for one later!!
✳ It takes A SOLID HOUR for the panic to subside, and TWO to feel decent again!! SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!