100524 nightmare

[prismaticbleed]

I dreamt that I was in treatment, but the "main room" was this big open floorplan & it was messy & chaotic, with stuff & garbage all over the floor, & no furniture? There were people in various states of undress, all just "wasting time" as they waited for directions/ the scheduled day to begin? It felt like an interim, like a flight delayed indefinitely. I ALSO had the strongly disturbing impression that this was "MY room" somehow? But it "wasn't mine" even so, as it was being treated carelessly as a public space. I felt so invaded, helpless, & dirty. There was a walk-in shower with NO DOOR in the corner of the room, and I kept trying to go in to to shower, but everyone else kept either going in while I was called away/ busy (for other people), or flat-out saying "I'm next" although it "was my shower" and I'd been waiting all morning. I ended up crying at one point from sheer powerless overwhelm. When a space finally opened up-- notably like "one minute before" roll call, when everyone else was taken care of & ready but I was left in the dust-- and I went in, my emotions "shut off" & I began "echoing" the demeanor of the other patients towards me, feeling selfhating cold rage & saying something cruel like "you are a slut" or "you deserve to die" etc. BUT BEFORE I could even start the water, a woman walked up to the door & said "can I talk to you for a minute" with a clipboard of papers. Giving up, my emotions went numb & I just walked out to do whatever she wanted. I don't recall what happened after, except that I was impossibly late & panicking & that's what woke me up, to gratefully discover it was almost exactly 6:30 AM (perfect timing).
HOWEVER there were 3 other details from the nightmare. First, when I finally headed to the shower, I was coughing uncontrollably, and it was a harsh & painful cough, bringing up tons of thick mucus like green jelly. The girls around me didn't bat an eye, but were stage-whispering to each other "how gross I was" and "That had better not be contagious" like I was trying on purpose to disgust & infect them. Second, my little brothers were there (as children)? And at one point in the shower-lineup struggle I, for some reason, said something like "I love you & I'm genuinely really glad you're here, BUT I hate how much I always have to do when you're here"?? I was "TRYING" to express BOTH my love AND my utter physical/ emotional EXHAUSTION at having to "take care of (PARENT) them," although I'd "NEVER SAY NO." BUT they reacted with PROFOUND HURT & LEFT ME, judging me as "CRUEL/ COLD/ SELFISH" & "REJECTING: them. This CRUSHED me & I just LEFT the building. The streets were empty & quiet like a ghost town? And the few people walking were MALICIOUS & ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ME TO HURT ME. When they saw me outside they grinned & "signaled" for an "attack," & when I went back inside numb-afraid, there was a gang of both men & women rushing at me to beat up (with weapons) & kill me. BUT I "snapped into" RED FRENZY mode, & started "mercilessly" throwing them about like rag dolls, literally PICKING THEM UP BY ONE LIMB & SMASHING THEM HEADFIRST INTO THE LINOLEUM, assumedly KILLING them by SMASHING THEIR SKULLS. I felt & thought nothing. When I got them all, I went back in to take that shower, my mind "picking up where it left off" BY "DISSOCIATION" FROM/ "FORGETTING" WHAT I JUST DID? And THAT'S when I started coughing. BUT before I did that I DID have a minute of DEEPLY DISTURBED HORROR, realizing "DID I JUST KILL THOSE PEOPLE??" like it was a nightmare. I couldn't process/ cope with that so I shut off.
There was also, in other parts of the dream, something about 2 new patients, who were both elderly women & I actually was very happy & "comforted" by that, as I felt safer around them than I did around young girls. And that's all.
✳ WHAT IS MY SUBCONSCIOUS TRYING TO TELL ME THROUGH THIS?
✳ 1) "My room" made "public property" AND a "trash dump," NO "SPACE FOR ME" = I feel like I DON'T have any personal space here? EVERYTHING I feel/ think/ write IS "public property" & EVERYONE CAN, & often are TOLD TO (groups) "MAKE IT THEIRS." I feel like I'm homeless? I feel OVERWHELMED & HELPLESS & USED. As for the TRASH, I'm "LETTING PEOPLE IN" to my space "AGAINST MY WILL"? Because I "FOUND" these people ALREADY THERE & DIDN'T PROTECT OR SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE ABOUT IT. And I feel FORCED to "TAKE IN/ LISTEN TO" EVERYTHING & SO MUCH OF IT IS BADLY AFFECTING MY MIND. I'm a "good listener" like a garbage bin is "open" to all your junk. I mean no offense & I don't want to "force" others to hold on to what they want to let out, so I "let them trash my space" & "inhabit my space" & I'm left with NEITHER "safety" nor "security." In my OWN SELF, there's "NO ROOM" TO BE MYSELF.
✳ 2) "Can't use my own shower" because "everyone else has dibs/ is forcing past me"; when I FINALLY get there, "TIME'S UP" and/or OTHERS CALL ME AWAY to do things for them = I CAN'T do what I'm doing for OTHERS for MYSELF? "CLEAN/ REFRESH/ PRIVATE/ PERSONAL" emphasis? ALSO the concept of "CLEANING OTHERS" = "insight" offered & helping untangle problems/ give support? "Wash away" the "dirt" & "tiredness" (negativity, etc.) IN MY "PRIVATE SPACE"?? To the extent that I'M STILL TIRED & FILTHY? But NO ONE WILL LET ME GO IN BECAUSE THEY NEED IT FIRST/ MORE. I'm disturbed by the "DIBS"/ CLAIM aspect; I feel "OWNED"/ OBJECTIFIED by others as a "USEFUL RESOURCE," BECAUSE of the "water" I "HAVE"?? NOTABLY NOT TO DRINK, BUT TO BATHE. That feels almost WASTEFUL/ "ABUSIVE"? Like they're emptying out my well just to "enjoy a bath," filling it with dirtiness & flushing it out to the sewer. BUT THAT WELL WATER IS FOR DRINKING. I can't quite untangle that completely-- it's actually an inapplicable extended metaphor because in the dream I was going to bathe in the water too; that's what showers are for-- but the root concept is too strong to ignore. The described behavior feels WRONG & like STEALING/ MISUSE & it HURTS. Lastly, the "TIME'S UP" is scary, because it suggests that, LIKE the clipboard woman, "MY" TIME TO "BATHE" is DICTATED BY OTHERS? Because I'm ONLY BATHING TO "GET READY" TO SERVE/ OBEY. And if I DON'T get to shower FIRST, then I'm DIRTY & I STINK & I'm NOT in CLEAN CLOTHES, etc. And OTHERS ARE OFFENDED BY MY FILTH. And the reason WHY everyone goes BEFORE me is because it takes me SO LONG? I'm SO dirty & SO much of my body is ROTTING/ DYING that I have to SCRUB UNTIL I BLEED & it uses SO MUCH WATER & TIME. BUT I "CAN'T" TAKE the time because I "HAVE TO GET DONE BY THAT SET TIME," because "GROUP IS STARTING" OR "WE'RE LOCKING THE ROOM DOORS"!!! So WHY didn't mine HAVE a door? Maybe because I don't "close myself off" completely. BUT I let OTHERS "lock ME out of MYSELF" BY "SOCIAL MODE" SELF-CRUSHING? Which WOULD prevent me from "WASHING" our OWN soul BECAUSE WE ARE "LOCKED OUT". The "dibs" are people WANTING the "SOCIAL" side of us, NOT our TRUE "INNER" SELF, too? WHICH I wonder CAN ONLY "COME OUT" IF WE "TAKE A SHOWER" FIRST? Reflect on this further later, not now; we're overanalyzing from not taking TIME to reflect first. Ironically. GO TAKE A SHOWER.
✳ 3) My "feeling BOTH love & frustration" about my little brothers is kind of straightforward; Deep down I DO feel "angry" that I have "had to be a parent" to them in the past, solely because it was (again) using SO much of my resources on ALL levels & I was "using that as an excuse" to DIVERT that "helpless rage" to NEGATIVE "outlets," as well as "justifying self-neglect." I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THIS, at least NOT in "handwriting mode." The System probably does. As for now though let's focus on the nightmare, & HOW it manifested this bad response:
✳ 4) RED FRENZY. This happens DISTURBINGLY OFTEN in nightmares, and that SCARES ME. Frequently it's RAZOR or WRECKAGE fronting to "express" more "violent" impulses in dreams, BUT THEY NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THIS. This mindless, thoughtless, heartless, and BLINDLY MURDEROUS VIOLENCE is ONLY POSSIBLE with a COMPLETE LOSS OF SELF. REMEMBER THAT & TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. When you LOSE yourself/ OURSELF, you LOSE LOVE. You LOSE VALUE & VIRTUE & VISION. Believe it or not, SELFHOOD & UNIQUE IDENTITY ARE GOOD THINGS, GOD-GIVEN & ESSENTIAL TO BEING A PERSON-- to being TRULY HUMAN, as CHRIST WAS. When you LOSE or even DENY or REJECT your REAL & ESSENTIAL HUMANITY & PERSONHOOD, then "all that's left" IS to "become a MONSTER." ANY & ALL FORMS OF SELF-ABUSE/ SELF-ANNIHILATION WILL RESULT IN THIS HELLISH MUTATION. ALL HATRED FOR HUMANITY, INCLUDING YOUR OWN, IS DEMONIC. And these "red frenzies" are EXACTLY what happens WHEN YOUR LIFEBLOOD GETS INFECTED. If you let those lies fool you, the corruption will seep into your marrow IF YOU DON'T FIGHT IT BY GRACE. There WILL be a breakthrough and OUR HISTORY IS PROOF. We might be morphed into monsters with "drained brains" BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE & LOVE & GOD HIMSELF IS FIGHTING FOR YOU. He WILL CALL YOU BY NAME-- AS A PERSON, WHO IS LOVED-- and RESTORE YOUR INHERENT & INDESTRUCTIBLE HUMANITY & DIGNITY & PERSONHOOD. You're definitely catching the "We're Back!" references. THAT'S ESSENTIAL. REMEMBER THAT. IT'S TRUTH.
✳ 5) Being ignored/ shamed for being "visibly" sick/ possibly contagious/ GROSS: obviously refers to MENTAL HEALTH/ EATING DISORDER STRUGGLES IN RECOVERY; "coughing up/ out" the heavy "phlegm" (inflamed) from my LUNGS (breath = life) viewed as "GROSS" (socially unacceptable); ALSO BULIMIA as a DESPERATE OUTLET? But mostly COUGH = SPEECH (visceral)? FEAR OF "TRIGGERING/ CORRUPTING" others.