prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with rage & violence

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.

I dreamt that I was in treatment, but the "main room" was this big open floorplan & it was messy & chaotic, with stuff & garbage all over the floor, & no furniture? There were people in various states of undress, all just "wasting time" as they waited for directions/ the scheduled day to begin? It felt like an interim, like a flight delayed indefinitely. I ALSO had the strongly disturbing impression that this was "MY room" somehow? But it "wasn't mine" even so, as it was being treated carelessly as a public space. I felt so invaded, helpless, & dirty. There was a walk-in shower with NO DOOR in the corner of the room, and I kept trying to go in to to shower, but everyone else kept either going in while I was called away/ busy (for other people), or flat-out saying "I'm next" although it "was my shower" and I'd been waiting all morning. I ended up crying at one point from sheer powerless overwhelm. When a space finally opened up-- notably like "one minute before" roll call, when everyone else was taken care of & ready but I was left in the dust-- and I went in, my emotions "shut off" & I began "echoing" the demeanor of the other patients towards me, feeling selfhating cold rage & saying something cruel like "you are a slut" or "you deserve to die" etc. BUT BEFORE I could even start the water, a woman walked up to the door & said "can I talk to you for a minute" with a clipboard of papers. Giving up, my emotions went numb & I just walked out to do whatever she wanted. I don't recall what happened after, except that I was impossibly late & panicking & that's what woke me up, to gratefully discover it was almost exactly 6:30 AM (perfect timing).
HOWEVER there were 3 other details from the nightmare. First, when I finally headed to the shower, I was coughing uncontrollably, and it was a harsh & painful cough, bringing up tons of thick mucus like green jelly. The girls around me didn't bat an eye, but were stage-whispering to each other "how gross I was" and "That had better not be contagious" like I was trying on purpose to disgust & infect them. Second, my little brothers were there (as children)? And at one point in the shower-lineup struggle I, for some reason, said something like "I love you & I'm genuinely really glad you're here, BUT I hate how much I always have to do when you're here"?? I was "TRYING" to express BOTH my love AND my utter physical/ emotional EXHAUSTION at having to "take care of (PARENT) them," although I'd "NEVER SAY NO." BUT they reacted with PROFOUND HURT & LEFT ME, judging me as "CRUEL/ COLD/ SELFISH" & "REJECTING: them. This CRUSHED me & I just LEFT the building. The streets were empty & quiet like a ghost town? And the few people walking were MALICIOUS & ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ME TO HURT ME. When they saw me outside they grinned & "signaled" for an "attack," & when I went back inside numb-afraid, there was a gang of both men & women rushing at me to beat up (with weapons) & kill me. BUT I "snapped into" RED FRENZY mode, & started "mercilessly" throwing them about like rag dolls, literally PICKING THEM UP BY ONE LIMB & SMASHING THEM HEADFIRST INTO THE LINOLEUM, assumedly KILLING them by SMASHING THEIR SKULLS. I felt & thought nothing. When I got them all, I went back in to take that shower, my mind "picking up where it left off" BY "DISSOCIATION" FROM/ "FORGETTING" WHAT I JUST DID? And THAT'S when I started coughing. BUT before I did that I DID have a minute of DEEPLY DISTURBED HORROR, realizing "DID I JUST KILL THOSE PEOPLE??" like it was a nightmare. I couldn't process/ cope with that so I shut off.
There was also, in other parts of the dream, something about 2 new patients, who were both elderly women & I actually was very happy & "comforted" by that, as I felt safer around them than I did around young girls. And that's all.
✳ WHAT IS MY SUBCONSCIOUS TRYING TO TELL ME THROUGH THIS?
✳ 1) "My room" made "public property" AND a "trash dump," NO "SPACE FOR ME" = I feel like I DON'T have any personal space here? EVERYTHING I feel/ think/ write IS "public property" & EVERYONE CAN, & often are TOLD TO (groups) "MAKE IT THEIRS." I feel like I'm homeless? I feel OVERWHELMED & HELPLESS & USED. As for the TRASH, I'm "LETTING PEOPLE IN" to my space "AGAINST MY WILL"? Because I "FOUND" these people ALREADY THERE & DIDN'T PROTECT OR SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE ABOUT IT. And I feel FORCED to "TAKE IN/ LISTEN TO" EVERYTHING & SO MUCH OF IT IS BADLY AFFECTING MY MIND. I'm a "good listener" like a garbage bin is "open" to all your junk. I mean no offense & I don't want to "force" others to hold on to what they want to let out, so I "let them trash my space" & "inhabit my space" & I'm left with NEITHER "safety" nor "security." In my OWN SELF, there's "NO ROOM" TO BE MYSELF.
✳ 2) "Can't use my own shower" because "everyone else has dibs/ is forcing past me"; when I FINALLY get there, "TIME'S UP" and/or OTHERS CALL ME AWAY to do things for them = I CAN'T do what I'm doing for OTHERS for MYSELF? "CLEAN/ REFRESH/ PRIVATE/ PERSONAL" emphasis? ALSO the concept of "CLEANING OTHERS" = "insight" offered & helping untangle problems/ give support? "Wash away" the "dirt" & "tiredness" (negativity, etc.) IN MY "PRIVATE SPACE"?? To the extent that I'M STILL TIRED & FILTHY? But NO ONE WILL LET ME GO IN BECAUSE THEY NEED IT FIRST/ MORE. I'm disturbed by the "DIBS"/ CLAIM aspect; I feel "OWNED"/ OBJECTIFIED by others as a "USEFUL RESOURCE," BECAUSE of the "water" I "HAVE"?? NOTABLY NOT TO DRINK, BUT TO BATHE. That feels almost WASTEFUL/ "ABUSIVE"? Like they're emptying out my well just to "enjoy a bath," filling it with dirtiness & flushing it out to the sewer. BUT THAT WELL WATER IS FOR DRINKING. I can't quite untangle that completely-- it's actually an inapplicable extended metaphor because in the dream I was going to bathe in the water too; that's what showers are for-- but the root concept is too strong to ignore. The described behavior feels WRONG & like STEALING/ MISUSE & it HURTS. Lastly, the "TIME'S UP" is scary, because it suggests that, LIKE the clipboard woman, "MY" TIME TO "BATHE" is DICTATED BY OTHERS? Because I'm ONLY BATHING TO "GET READY" TO SERVE/ OBEY. And if I DON'T get to shower FIRST, then I'm DIRTY & I STINK & I'm NOT in CLEAN CLOTHES, etc. And OTHERS ARE OFFENDED BY MY FILTH. And the reason WHY everyone goes BEFORE me is because it takes me SO LONG? I'm SO dirty & SO much of my body is ROTTING/ DYING that I have to SCRUB UNTIL I BLEED & it uses SO MUCH WATER & TIME. BUT I "CAN'T" TAKE the time because I "HAVE TO GET DONE BY THAT SET TIME," because "GROUP IS STARTING" OR "WE'RE LOCKING THE ROOM DOORS"!!! So WHY didn't mine HAVE a door? Maybe because I don't "close myself off" completely. BUT I let OTHERS "lock ME out of MYSELF" BY "SOCIAL MODE" SELF-CRUSHING? Which WOULD prevent me from "WASHING" our OWN soul BECAUSE WE ARE "LOCKED OUT". The "dibs" are people WANTING the "SOCIAL" side of us, NOT our TRUE "INNER" SELF, too? WHICH I wonder CAN ONLY "COME OUT" IF WE "TAKE A SHOWER" FIRST? Reflect on this further later, not now; we're overanalyzing from not taking TIME to reflect first. Ironically. GO TAKE A SHOWER.
✳ 3) My "feeling BOTH love & frustration" about my little brothers is kind of straightforward; Deep down I DO feel "angry" that I have "had to be a parent" to them in the past, solely because it was (again) using SO much of my resources on ALL levels & I was "using that as an excuse" to DIVERT that "helpless rage" to NEGATIVE "outlets," as well as "justifying self-neglect." I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THIS, at least NOT in "handwriting mode." The System probably does. As for now though let's focus on the nightmare, & HOW it manifested this bad response:
✳ 4) RED FRENZY. This happens DISTURBINGLY OFTEN in nightmares, and that SCARES ME. Frequently it's RAZOR or WRECKAGE fronting to "express" more "violent" impulses in dreams, BUT THEY NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THIS. This mindless, thoughtless, heartless, and BLINDLY MURDEROUS VIOLENCE is ONLY POSSIBLE with a COMPLETE LOSS OF SELF. REMEMBER THAT & TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. When you LOSE yourself/ OURSELF, you LOSE LOVE. You LOSE VALUE & VIRTUE & VISION. Believe it or not, SELFHOOD & UNIQUE IDENTITY ARE GOOD THINGS, GOD-GIVEN & ESSENTIAL TO BEING A PERSON-- to being TRULY HUMAN, as CHRIST WAS. When you LOSE or even DENY or REJECT your REAL & ESSENTIAL HUMANITY & PERSONHOOD, then "all that's left" IS to "become a MONSTER." ANY & ALL FORMS OF SELF-ABUSE/ SELF-ANNIHILATION WILL RESULT IN THIS HELLISH MUTATION. ALL HATRED FOR HUMANITY, INCLUDING YOUR OWN, IS DEMONIC. And these "red frenzies" are EXACTLY what happens WHEN YOUR LIFEBLOOD GETS INFECTED. If you let those lies fool you, the corruption will seep into your marrow IF YOU DON'T FIGHT IT BY GRACE. There WILL be a breakthrough and OUR HISTORY IS PROOF. We might be morphed into monsters with "drained brains" BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE & LOVE & GOD HIMSELF IS FIGHTING FOR YOU. He WILL CALL YOU BY NAME-- AS A PERSON, WHO IS LOVED-- and RESTORE YOUR INHERENT & INDESTRUCTIBLE HUMANITY & DIGNITY & PERSONHOOD. You're definitely catching the "We're Back!" references. THAT'S ESSENTIAL. REMEMBER THAT. IT'S TRUTH.
✳ 5) Being ignored/ shamed for being "visibly" sick/ possibly contagious/ GROSS: obviously refers to MENTAL HEALTH/ EATING DISORDER STRUGGLES IN RECOVERY; "coughing up/ out" the heavy "phlegm" (inflamed) from my LUNGS (breath = life) viewed as "GROSS" (socially unacceptable); ALSO BULIMIA as a DESPERATE OUTLET? But mostly COUGH = SPEECH (visceral)? FEAR OF "TRIGGERING/ CORRUPTING" others.

✳ WHEN YOU FEEL "TOO FULL" DURING TREATMENT, REMEMBER: AT LEAST IT'S NOT UPMC PANERA!!!
✳ ↑ YOU CAN "SAY NO" TO YOUR OWN EXTRA CHOICES! YOU'RE NOT OBLIGATED TO FORCE EXCESS!! TREAT YOUR BODY KINDLY!
✳ LIKES & DISLIKES are SIGNPOSTS THAT HELP TO DIRECT YOU TOWARDS THE UNIQUE CALLING & PURPOSE that GOD HAS FOR YOU, AND AWAY from the things that AREN'T YOUR SPECIAL CALLING, but ARE for OTHER PEOPLE! (NO "VALUE" JUDGEMENT!!)
✳ "WINDOW OF TOLERANCE" SHRINKS AS YOU NEGLECT SELF-CARE/ ABUSE YOURSELF!!
✳ BALANCED MEALS = include CARBS/ PROTEIN/ LIPIDS AND COLOR! Remember what MOM says: PRESENTATION! You've gotten SO ACCUSTOMED to eating LITERAL SLOP & GARBAGE, THAT'S having MALIGNANT effects on BOTH how you see food & how you see & treat your BODY. YOU ARE NOT A TRASHBAG. YOU'RE A HUMAN WITH DIGNITY!! You DESERVE (for GOD'S SAKE) to EAT GOOD FOOD, to eat TRULY BEAUTIFUL food! PUT THAT IN YOU!!

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So I chose the "chicken cordon bleu casserole" today for TWO reasons: 1) the other option was meatloaf, which I already know I like, whereas I've never had the CCBC & wanted to give it a try, and 2) the nutritionist said "it was a hit" with the unit, a "constant fave," so I wanted to share in that. I'll be blunt-- I didn't think her statement through. I expected too much. So when I got the meal & it was basically PLAIN PASTA with TINY bits of chicken & ham & the BAREST hint of "cream sauce," ALL "baby texture" & bland, I actually got ANGRY. This was "SAFE FOOD," bland & inoffensive & palatable & plain & unadventurous & predictable. "I should have gotten the meatloaf" was my resentful reaction. THAT would've given me MEAT & POTATOES, a GOOD & HEARTY, MANLY MEAL. "It'll put hair on your chest," just like the bread crusts that one Disney Princess girl here always tears off her daily grilled cheeses. And please, don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING against ANY of the patients here. They're ALL sweethearts & I want the BEST for them BUT that same love is making me FURIOUS AT THE EATING DISORDERS we're all struggling with, INCLUDING ME. Just... I NEED to STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL as a result of my anger at unhealthy/ afraid/ "weak" behavior. The shrinking postures, the tiny quiet voices that trail off midsentence & won't assert themselves, the inability to commit to any solid decision or opinion ("I think I met my goal, I don't know," "Whatever you want, it doesn't matter," "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," "I'll get out of your way/ I know I'm annoying you," etc.), the whining & complaining about food options they "don't want/ like," the babyish speech & conversations, the desire to stay "tiny & pretty & petite," etc. IT'S ALL THE "TOXIC FEMININITY" I DESPISE, MANIFESTED AS ANOREXIA. And THEY DESERVE TO BE FREE OF IT BECAUSE IT'S NEGATING THEM. That sort of hypersubmissiveness "ERASES" the self & KEEPS YOU FROM LIVING BOLDLY FOR GOD! EVEN WOMEN MUST BE STRONG & BRAVE. MOTHERS MUST BE MATURE & CONFIDENT. But WOMANHOOD "TAKES UP SPACE." It DOESN'T "shrink down to nothing," EVEN if it is "hidden" from sight like the Virgin Mary. She STILL HAD REAL POWER IN HER HUMILITY, because GOD'S STRENGTH WORKED THROUGH HER! She was NOT idle or handwringing or avoidant; she was ACTIVE & WISE & BRAVE & DILIGENT, showing FORTITUDE & DEVOTION & ALL VIRTUE. She NEVER complained about food, or obsessed over size/ shape/ weight, or said things were gross, or "apologized" for existing, or was unwilling to defend human dignity even in herself. And I must remember that too. I try SO HARD to be "MANLY," but I can slip FAR too easily into TOXIC MASCULINITY. Whereas the anorexics are TOO feminine, bingers like me are TOO MASCULINE. I'm TOO hard, too tough, too stoic, too aggressive, too BIG. I "push my weight around." I "think I can do anything." I laugh at & mock "womanly/ effeminate" behavior. I take risks just to show I'm stronger than them. It's TOXIC. ...but I'm BULIMIC. I WHIPLASH. I YO-YO between BOTH extremes. It's MISERABLE & WRONG & I'm TIRED OF IT. I need to be BALANCED, HEALTHY, VIRTUOUS. I MUST STOP JUDGING WOMEN & MEN BOTH. I need to accept WHO I AM & WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE, in TRUTH, NOT these distortions playing out AS the disorder! So let me say this. There was NOTHING WRONG with the casserole, OR with LIKING it. Even such plain & soft foods have their GOOD & PROPER PLACE, & I NEED to both RESPECT & CELEBRATE that with GRATITUDE, seeing in ALL foods GOD'S GOOD CREATIVE LOVE.

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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● I got a memory of CHRISTMASTIME at STEAMTOWN while eating the hashbrowns (by hand)? They taste JUST LIKE the McDonalds kind; we must've had them with the family on the way to the mall as a child. It was such a simple, happy, comforting memory, totally unexpected.
● I IMAGINED sharing that breakfast with mom AND dad, with them both preparing it for me, talking together as friends. It felt so good to have that warmth & connection with them both, with NO fear at ALL.
● I am grateful that God has graced me with a curious & adventurous spirit, willing & determined to face challenges & find the light in the hard times.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I keep taking extra napkins, asking for extra food/ larger portions, and asking for far too many condiments/ fluids. It's shameful & upsetting & people are starting to call me out on it, thank God. So that is helping me to stop the BEHAVIOR, but I WANT to stop the MOTIVATION. I'm prone to EXCESS? WHY do I always seem to fear that "what I have ISN'T ENOUGH" to meet my "needs" of cleanliness, hunger, ambition, & even joy? Why do I struggle to just TRUST GOD & ACCEPT what I HAVE been given and WORK WITH IT in GRATITUDE & ADAPTABILITY? I'm ashamed of my frightened greed. I want to be TEMPERATE & DISCIPLINED & CONTENT even with REAL LACK.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● I'm now AWARE that this IS a habitual problem, so now I can WORK to STOP it by GROWING IN VIRTUE, and also to GROW in SELF-KNOWLEDGE by discerning WHY I do it, and how to REDIRECT/ HEAL that root for GOOD.
● Turn "excess" into "ABUNDANCE" & MEET THAT HUNGER ELSEWHERE. (creativity, learning, etc.) Learn to CHERISH & be GRATEFUL for ALL I DO have, and to TRUST that it IS enough; GOD KNOWS! Becoming a BETTER PERSON as I use this to IMPROVE.

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● I genuinely look forward to the new, joyful, & perhaps daring hope/ GOAL of ACTIVELY sharing a meal, with NO FEAR OR COMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS, EVEN just eating IN PUBLIC on my own, treating MYSELF well & rightly.
● I look forward to a FREER life, with the TIME & HEALTH to do CREATIVE things & SHARE my TALENTS
● MOTIVATION: I'm tired/ sick of being sick & weak. I want to be STRONG & BRAVE & FREE & CREATIVE. I want to MAKE MY LIFE A GIFT TO GOD & TO HUMANITY too.
● INSPIRATION: to live up to my TRUTH as a CHILD OF GOD, KNOWING what HE wants & ENABLES me to be; the kind words I've heard from the people/ staff here
● HOPE: for FOOD to be a FRIEND and a JOY, NOT to be ABUSED or WASTED or OBJECTIFIED or FEARED or HATED, and to trust my body with the same compassion & gratitude

I think my "defining phrase" is "COURAGEOUS HOPE." It sums up what my HEART feels like-- FIRE AND LIGHT. Today I realized that I KNOW WHO I AM, in TRUTH, not just "as God's child" in general fact BUT in WHAT THAT MEANS. I am CALLED TO BE A SAINT. I am GIFTED with a UNIQUE PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION, & "RESONANCE"; I have been GIFTED with UNIQUE TALENTS, ABILITIES, & PREFERENCES; I have been GIFTED with a UNIQUE MIND, SOUL, HEART, AND BODY, and placed in the EXACT TIME & PLACE & SOCIETY & CULTURE & FAMILY & NEIGHBORHOOD & CIRCUMSTANCES, with the NECESSARY HISTORY even, TO USE ALL THOSE GIFTS AS A FAITHFUL GOOD STEWARD TO ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM & "ADD" TO HIS RICHES & BRING HIM GLORY & JOY. That is WHAT HE CALLS ME TO. And so I CANNOT STAND IDLE. I CANNOT HIDE/ BURY/ DENY/ THESE GIFTS AND I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE A GOOD SOLDIER/ CHILD/ STEWARD/ BELOVED OF GOD. I want ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE WORSHIP. THAT'S MY PURPOSE. THAT'S MY JOY. And as COURAGEOUS HOPE, I SET MY SIGHTS ON GOD-- I ORIENT ALL OF ME TO ETERNITY, TO MY TRUE HOME & FAMILY IN HEAVEN, and I MARCH ON WITH A JOYOUSLY BURNING HEART. God gave me a WILL, and I DEVOTE IT TO MAKING MY WHOLE SELF A LIVING SACRIFICE OF LOVE. IN HOPE I REFUSE to give up or give in to worldly despair; "the things that are UNSEEN are ETERNAL". In COURAGE I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BY GOD'S GRACE, WEARING HIS ARMOR, TRUSTING IN HIS VICTORY-- CHRIST HAS CONQUERED DEATH!! LOVE HAS ALREADY WON. AND I BELONG TO LOVE. SO I CAN BE COURAGEOUSLY HOPEFUL!

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Talking to Dr. P, I think the HOLY SPIRIT legit witnessed to HIS purposes & hopes for us THROUGH our responses, because they just poured out of our heart. We said that, during treatment, we've GOTTEN FACTS to COMBAT & CONQUER the demons of despair/ doubt/ fear/ cowardice/ negativity, through HEARING words of SUPPORT & COMPASSION & FAITH from BOTH peers & staff, and I HAVE to have FAITH in THEM, too, TRUSTING them & WITNESSING TO that trust BY CULTIVATING THOSE VIRTUES further, which is ONLY POSSIBLE through LOVING SURRENDER/ COOPERATION WITH CHRIST, WHO IS HELPING ME & WANTS ME TO THRIVE & LIVE & GLORIFY HIM BY FULLY FLOURISHING. And I MUST DO THIS IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN-- AS A SYSTEM OF LOVE. We CAN do this TOGETHER. That brings us to point 2-- we CANNOT BASE OUR EMOTIONS/ HOPE/ etc. ON THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. True, we MUST do our best AND seek to edify others BY our good behavior/ example, because we WANT to be HONORABLE & a TRUE WITNESS TO CHRIST, but by that SAME baptized token we MUST ALSO HAVE CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ HOPE "FOR OURSELVES." WE MUST CHOOSE truth/ beauty/ goodness FOR OURSELF, for OUR CREATOR'S SAKE, even if NO ONE ELSE does. WE HAVE "THE SPIRIT OF LOVE & COURAGE & SELF-CONTROL." We CAN, and we WILL, STAY RECOVERED. We must DEDICATE ourselves to LIFE & CHARITY every day, a POSITIVE focus, WHILE STILL REMEMBERING "THE PIT GOD SAVED US FROM." NO TOXIC POSITIVITY!! We are a WHOLE! Our WOUNDS can be HOLY! But LIVE FROM A SPACE OF HOPE. LIVE FOR ETERNITY. Don't worry about passing worldly things. GOD HAS SET US FREE TO WORSHIP HIM! And YOUR NEW LIFE, turned OUTWARDS IN COMMUNION (not inwards in egotism), IS A PRAYER.

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WHY AM I STILL MINIBINGEING ON CONDIMENTS. The HIGHEST mealplan only requires 5 per meal, & sometimes I'm getting up to 9. THAT'S INSANE. STOP. I don't even LIKE the tastes at this point; I WANT TO ENJOY SIMPLE FOOD, AS-IS, NO ADULTERATIONS, NO "DROWNING/ MASKING" THE PLAIN TRUTH with EXCESS that is honestly FORCED & COMPULSIVE. And I realize WHY I'm doing it-- it's TWOFOLD: first, the old "I HAVE to know what EVERYTHING tastes like" (WHICH, BTW, we will have SUCCEEDED AT as of THURSDAY with dressing & packet options) AND the fearful "NEED" to KEEP pushing/ trying them "UNTIL I 100% LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM" (which is FOOLISH as well as RIGID? It's giving the message that "I'm NOT ALLOWED to DISLIKE ANYTHING" which CRUSHES my UNIQUE TASTES (personality resonance) AND implies that I believe (DISTORTED) that "not liking" a food/ flavor/ texture experience means I'M HATEFUL/ REJECTING GOD BY JUDGING HIS CREATION/ DEVALUING & DISDAINING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT = "disliking" ANYTHING that OTHERS like" means that I'm ATTACKING/ ERASING THEM??? It's seen as an ACT OF VIOLENCE & INGRATITUDE; "driving a wedge" between ME & COMMUNION WITH CREATION & HUMAN CULTURE; "if I DON'T like it, then I'll NEVER "be close to/ COMMUNE with" those who DO" = "SELF MERGING" & "DENIAL of OWN tastes" as INVALID/ EVIL); and SECOND, I ONLY forcepush them WHEN THERE'S A FOOD ITEM THAT I'M AFRAID OF CHOKING ON/ AFRAID I WON'T "BE ABLE" TO EAT IT "FAST ENOUGH" PLAIN. And BOTH of those are BINGE MINDSETS. We HAVE TO FIGHT & RESIST THAT NOW, WHILE WE'RE AT WAR WITH IT IN REALTIME!! THAT'S where VICTORY is won-- ON THE ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD. God has given us a HUGE OPPORTUNITY. And we MUST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE! From now on, we HAVE to FIGHT by ONLY choosing the REQUIRED amount of lipid exchanges, and NOT "SLUSHING" OUR FOOD "IN ORDER TO EAT IT FASTER." YOU'RE DISHONORING THE FOOD (GOD'S GIFT), REJECTING ITS TRUTH, HABITUATING YOURSELF TO BOTH MAKING & EATING SLOP, GETTING ADDICTED TO A HIGH FAT DIET, AND SETTING A VERY BAD & DISREPUTABLE EXAMPLE for your fellow patients. SERIOUSLY. When they see YOU condiment-bingeing, then THEY are TEMPTED to do the SAME, & also FEEL LESS ASHAMED OF IT, which is OUTRIGHT SCANDAL. ROMANS 14:15 & 20!!! YOU ARE LEADING PEOPLE INTO SIN. SO YOU MUST STOP, NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
✳ I don't recall the exact details of what we ordered this week, but we STILL made some stupid choices, and we HAVE to OWN UP to our addictive behavior, ADMIT our weakness, DISCERN & DIVULGE our distorted reasoning, & then COMMIT TO STOPPING THAT BEHAVIOR. Step ONE is WRITING that out. Step TWO is NOT USING EXCESS CONDIMENTS, EVEN if we ORDERED them! QUIT IT ASAP. NO EXCUSES. We HAVE to. I will admit, it IS VERY HARD to NOT eat EVERY CRUMB of what's on our tray, though. THAT, TOO, feels like UNGRATEFUL REJECTION & fills us with ANXIOUS GUILT & SHAME & REGRET. That's a HUGE OVERREACTION. WHAT IS THAT A PROJECTION OF, PRECISELY? = It's seen as BOTH a GIFT and a COMMAND/ ORDER, since it was SET IN FRONT OF US & WE CAN'T "PUT IT BACK." So, if we LEAVE it, we're saying, "I REJECT THIS GIFT/ I REFUSE TO OBEY/ SUBMIT." MAYBE even "I REFUSE TO SUFFER," which at LEAST implies that deep down we RECOGNIZE that this IS HARMFUL & UNHEALTHY & we DON'T WANT TO HURT/ ABUSE OURSELF WITH EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR ANYMORE. So DON'T. You know what DOES honor God? OBEYING the REAL mealplan, RESISTING binge compulsions, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, & DISCIPLINING OUR WILL so we can FREELY CHOOSE VIRTUE.

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I keep hearing other patients complain & gripe & grimace about our meals & mealplans, voicing sharp dislike & REFUSAL to comply/ cooperate, and... it's actually making me feel really depressed/ anxious? Like, "am I doing something WRONG or FOOLISH or CONDEMNABLE BY obeying the plans, pushing myself even further, & LIKING the food?" If I'm ACTUALLY eating the required lipids-- even if just margarine & mayonnaise-- and I'm ACTUALLY eating the required snacks-- even if just poptarts & cookies-- am I doing something WRONG? Am I STILL "abusing my body" by eating fats & sweets if I'm LEGIT OBLIGATED TO AS PART OF RECOVERY TREATMENT?? If the WHOLE ROOM is gagging at a certain entree on the menu and I CHOOSE IT & EAT IT & ENJOY IT, am I being foolish? They'll CONGRATULATE me for it, saying "you're so strong," "how difficult was it?" "I don't know how you do it," "good job! You made it through!" etc. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOME HERCULEAN EFFORT. I just DECIDED to eat the "intimidating" option & DECIDED to enjoy it & COMMITTED TO 100% AND I DID. WHY would that be difficult or a struggle or something I had to "grit my teeth & power through"? Is THAT what THEY do? ...That's heartbreaking. I don't know if I've EVER experienced that-- EXCEPT for the CHOCOLATE MILK SUICIDE of UPMC. Man. Is it THAT HARD for them, EVERY TIME? ...I NEED to show more compassion. It's just such an instinctual response to label it as "COWARDICE/ CHICKENING OUT" & "ATTACK" it out of ANGER, which is WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. ...gosh is THAT BACKFIRING & ACTUALLY ALSO FUELING THE CONDIMENT FORCING?? My instinct, when I detect "hesitance/ fear" over a choice/ decision in myself, is to "BEAT MYSELF UP" ("hit the whiny child") and FORCE myself TO do it, ALMOST OUT OF CRUELTY, EVEN IF I KNOW IT'S A REASONABLE FEAR & DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That VIOLENT "I HATE COWARDS" response IS SO STRONG. Ironically, it's ALSO IN CONFLICT WITH ITSELF. "I'm afraid of eating that food because the other patients say it'll cause serious disease & harm my body" COEXISTS with "I'm GOING to eat that food BECAUSE it scares me for some reason." So I "CAN'T SAY NO," EVEN to REAL RISK, because THAT'S "CHICKENING OUT"? "EAT that because you were TOLD to" vs. "REFUSE it because it's UNHEALTHY." I'm tired. I'm writing too fast & not thinking. The point: I'm terrified that I'm damning myself BY my obedience. Our body HAS gotten very fat/ swollen/ bloated, & we're in constant pain & discomfort. This is a cross, but is it ALSO the "sign that we're making a stupid decision" & ACTUALLY "killing our body" BY eating the food we're being TOLD to eat? OR is THAT the POINT of the cross-- RESTITUTION for the eating disorder, SUFFERING as HUMBLING PENANCE? And will this PASS, & suddenly leave us TRULY WHOLE & HEALTHY TO LIVE FULLY & FREELY FOR GOD? ...Why does eating STILL feel like it's an obstacle? AM I eating too much? Still? Am I actually STILL SINNING by eating "all this food" "WITHOUT DISCRETION" & even eating "luxury" foods? Am I suffering as PUNISHMENT for GLUTTONY & IMPRUDENCE & INTEMPERANCE even now, in recovery, allegedly, and in obedience? I should talk to staff about this. I'm afraid that if I'm discharged with this mindset of "you HAVE to eat HYPERCLEAN foods or it's STUPID & SUICIDAL" AND "your fatty & bloated body is VISIBLE MANIFESTATION/ PROOF of your CARNAL INSATIABILITY & UNSPIRITUAL DISPOSITION & UGLY GREEDY LUST." Like thin = holy. Like skeletal = pure. But I WAS DYING. And I was WASTING GOD'S GIFTS, INCLUDING MY LIFE. ...CAN I STILL LIVE A GOOD LIFE IF I'M FAT? Isn't eating this much just an "acceptable (medically) perpetuation OF the eating disorder??" THAT'S the HARDEST part of recovery treatment here. The food is RUSHED and it IS often "junk food" & I HAVE to eat it amidst SATANIC TV NOISE & constant table chatter, unable to "ground/ center" & SLOW DOWN & FOCUS ONLY ON GOD. ...It's a BINGE ENVIRONMENT. And I do NOT WANT TO GET ACCUSTOMED TO THIS... OR LET THIS DISTRESS MOTIVATE ME TO RESTRICT AGAIN in a desperate attempt to "REVERSE THE DAMAGE & START OVER." ...and I DO ALREADY WANT TO. That "fear of being POISONED" is sadly lingering. I BELIEVE that if I RUSH through a meal, DISTRACTED & DISSOCIATED & DISTURBED, unable to eat mindfully & express wonder & gratitude in realtime, then I'm "EATING THE STRESS" & "SWALLOWING THE ENVIRONMENT" & being SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY CORRUPTED BY IT.
✳ IT'S THE "MEL" TERROR. Remember, how when I got back home from SLC, I LITERALLY FELT & BELIEVED that ALL that "SCARY ANGRY YELLOW SCREAMING ENERGY" was BEING STORED IN MY STOMACH FAT, because THAT'S where "WHAT I HAD TO EAT/ SWALLOW" WENT, & it was ALL THE TERROR OF SLC AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF ME OR IT WOULD "TURN ME INTO THEM" and KILL ME as an ultimate result. I'M AFRAID OF THAT HAPPENING AGAIN NOW. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THOSE EVIL, EVIL TELEVISION SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THE ATTITUDES OF THE OTHER PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR "WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ DISLIKE/ SARCASM/ BITTERNESS/ FEAR/ SPINELESSNESS/ ETC." AND THAT'S CRUEL OF ME TO SAY BUT THEY TALK ABOUT FOOD SO DISTORTEDLY & JUDGMENTALLY & IT HURTS AND I DON'T WANT THAT IN ME JUST BECAUSE IT KEEPS GOING INTO MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EARS AS I EAT. God I am SO TIRED. Please, please, help me to be kind. Help me NOT to judge. Help me to HAVE MERCY, WITHOUT "APPROVING" THOSE ATTITUDES, IN OTHERS OR MYSELF. Please, God, I'm BEGGING You, PLEASE DON'T LET ME SWALLOW SIN & EVIL. Matthew 15:11 & 17-18. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. DON'T LET ME CORRUPT IT. GIVE ME A NEW, CLEAN, PURE HEART SO I DON'T POISON MYSELF AND THE FOOD & EVERYONE ELSE. God, PLEASE help me enjoy the meals. PLEASE, I'm begging you again, I know it's stupid & selfish & carnal & evil but oh God please. I WANT to enjoy & treasure the food AS YOURS, as YOUR Creation & Gift, for YOUR SAKE. ...please God, please let me enjoy this food. I'm so sorry for what I did wrong, whatever it is. Please show me clearly, & then PLEASE help me & LET me do the needed penance & restitution for it so I CAN enjoy the food at last... IF that's not a sin in & of itself. Lord I'm a tangled mess right now. I just want SO BADLY to EAT HOW & LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. And deep down I KNOW THAT'S "EDEN." EATING ISN'T EVIL, & ENJOYING FOOD ISN'T A SIN-- OTHERWISE HEAVEN WOULDN'T BE A FEAST. (of RICH FARE!!) & YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN, IN PERFECT LOVE & WISDOM, TO GIVE YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE TO US, THROUGH EATING, IN THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST. You DELIGHT in feeding us, even here in this fallen world. It's MEANT to be JOY. LET IT BE THAT.

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Our group assignment is to THINK OF/ DISCERN statements/ phrases we will LIKELY HEAR upon being SEEN at a higher weight/ upon meeting people who STILL SEE US AS THE EATING DISORDER; i.e. who "HAVE NO FAITH OR HOPE IN US." And THAT response is what HURTS the MOST & elicits a kneejerk WOUNDED ANGER/ MOURNING response. We feel TRAPPED. And really, WE SHOULD EXPRESS EXACTLY THAT. Be CONFIDENT in OURSELF, WITH GOD'S CONSTANT HELP. By golly THAT'S what we should say! BRING GOD ACTIVELY INTO IT. Let them KNOW that it's NOT "JUST ME," in BOTH senses ideally! BE SHOCKINGLY HONEST FROM HERE ON OUT. And KEEP your HEART OPEN & GENTLE. Wear that cloak!
✳ "Body comments" CAN be accepted easily & gratefully IF YOU'RE WILLING TO RECEIVE THEM AS COMPLIMENTS! When KIND & POSITIVE words are offered, DO NOT NEGATE THEM! TRUST that person's kindness! STAY IN THE LIGHT! EMBRACE the HOPE of a NEW & COMPASSIONATE perspective-- one FREE OF DISTORTION & SELFISHNESS. When others say "you look good/ healthy/ so much better/ beautiful/ FEMININE" etc., GRATEFULLY ACCEPT & AFFIRM THAT CHARITY. IT'S FROM GOD. MOVE INTO THAT NEW SPACE OF FREEDOM & JOY; DON'T FIGHT/ REJECT IT LIKE A DEVIL! THANK them SINCERELY and enter into GENUINE CELEBRATORY DIALOGUE. SHARE THIS NEW HAPPINESS. It's TRUTH!! It's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL!! Your thinness & eating disorder were the result of ABUSE & HATE & FEAR & SELFISHNESS & LIES & CRUELTY & DEATH. LEAVE THAT AND DISOWN IT. YOU HAVE BEEN "CREATED ANEW!" GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A "NEW BODY," FULL OF LIFE & HOPE! So CHERISH IT & LEARN HOW BY RECEIVING THAT GRATEFUL "INSTRUCTION" FROM OTHERS' LOVE!
✳ The HARDEST comments to handle are the NEGATIVE ones-- "make sure you don't relapse"; "how soon until you go right back to how you were?" "you better not mess up this time," etc. FIGHT DARK WITH LIGHT. These are OPPORTUNITIES to STAND UP FOR TRUTH & GOODNESS, & BRING THE OTHER PERSON WITH YOU!! Respond with PATIENT KINDNESS & PEACE. Speak with HOPE & FAITH in GOD'S GRACE TO KEEP YOU IN RECOVERY, & WITNESS TO THAT. Even if they STILL don't trust YOU, affirm CONFIDENTLY & LOVINGLY that YOUR TRUST IS IN GOD, & THEIRS SHOULD BE, TOO. ASK THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU! REDIRECT their thoughts TO hope & faith! Deep down, they just FEAR a relapse. (NEGATIVE comments express a HIDDEN CARE; they DO WANT YOU TO BE WELL, but focus on the RISKS)

BODY IMAGE = SEE/ FEEL/ THINK/ BEHAVE (PERCEPUAL/ AFFECTIVE/ COGNITIVE/ BEHAVIORAL)
✳ POSITIVE = ACCEPT/ APPRECIATE/ RESPECT your body, EVEN IF "NOT SATISFIED" (seeing it as "PERFECT"); UNDERSTAND limitations & RECOGNIZE strengths; VALUE body as a WHOLE; REALISTIC (GRATEFUL)
(SHAPE/SIZE are MORALLY INNOCENT in themselves)
✳ DAILY ATTITUDES & PRACTICES (food/ exercise) as a HEALTHY RESPONSE to UNIQUE NEEDS, NOT "WEIGHT MANIPULATION/ JUDGEMENT"
✳ FIGHT "bad body image" = CELEBRATE it/ CHERISH it (SELF-CARE) = BEAUTY IT ALREADY HAS!! (Open your HEART & EYES TO SEE IT)
✳ RESPONDING to comments that "hurt" = "I know you meant it AS a compliment" = "I appreciate that, but "IT DIDN'T LAND THAT WAY"?" (EXPLAIN you STRUGGLE, but LISTEN)

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GENUINELY POSITIVE/ GRATEFUL "OFFERINGS OF LOVE" about "CHALLENGE/ FEAR" FOODS = "FIGHT HATE WITH LOVE, DARKNESS WITH LIGHT"
✳ STOP TALKING ABOUT them/ LABELING them NEGATIVELY! FREE THEM & SPEAK WITH GRATITUDE! REALIZE THE HOPE OF HEALING = MERCY & FORGIVENESS! Speak about them as "NEW FRIENDS"; DO NOT "BLOCK THEIR PATH TO BEING LOVED" BY USING NEGATIVE TERMS!!

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✳THINGS I "WANT" IN MY RECOVERED FUTURE =
(TAKE PRACTICAL STEPS TOWARDS ≥1 OF THEM EVERY DAY)
● A GIRLFRIEND
● TO WRITE A LEGIT BOOK OF POETRY
● TO FINISH/ PUBLISH at LEAST TWO LEAGUEWORLDS
● TO LEARN CELLO/ VIOLA
● TO COMPOSE & RECORD A MUSIC ALBUM
● ↑ GET ON SPOTIFY (EVEN YOUR OLD STUFF)
● DO THAT "SPECTRUM OF CHRIST" PAINTING SERIES
● GET BUFF, SON!!
● DRAW EVERY SINGLE MORALIMON
● FINALLY MAKE/ PUBLISH A LEAGUE WEBSITE
● FREEDOM to TRAVEL; GET A FOLDING BIKE/ BEFRIEND BUSES
● TO VISIT GIMMELWALD
● To get OFF disability & LIVE A FULL LIFE IN COMMUNITY
● To CONTRIBUTE to WOF or ANY APOLOGETIC EFFORT?
● TO MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD/ BRING THEM HONOR

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✳ GO BACK & TAKE THE PAIDIFONI BY THE HAND, & TELL THEM = "WE SURVIVED & MADE IT OUT!" BRING THEM OUT WITH YOU!! (US!!)
✳ THE "(PARENTAL) VOICE IN YOUR HEAD" HAS THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF WHEN IT SHOWED UP (THIS INCLUDES THE EATING DISORDER RESPONSE!!)

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I just realized something HUGE-- the act of "magazine scrapbooking" we've been doing in art therapy is DIRECTLY REROUTING THE "SCAVENGER" INSTINCT?? That "searching/ finding/ collecting" drive is being JOYFULLY FULFILLED in a CREATIVE WAY. And it's SO IMPORTANT because it INVOLVES MY HANDS AND BRAIN!! It's like how I'll mix tons of vegetables together JUST TO PICK THEM OUT ONE BY ONE & "ORGANIZE" THEM. I've NEVER found something to "REDIRECT" that "compulsive action" into UNTIL NOW.
✳ BUT!!! IT STILL "BURNS OUT" ONCE THE "NEED" IS INTUITIVELY SATISFIED-- and THEN you HAVE TO STOP & REST; NOT "BINGE" BY CONTINUING TO FORCE IT DESPITE "FULLNESS"! NOW YOU CAN "FEED" ANOTHER SOUL-HUNGER! ...AFTER YOU REST!!! Because YES, EVEN "SPIRITUAL EATING" NEEDS TO "TAKE A BREAK" OR THERE WILL BE BULIMIC CONSEQUENCES, EVEN SPIRITUALLY. FASTING AND FEASTING are NEEDED.

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✳ The question "WHAT IRRITATES YOU?" always gets the SAME DISTURBING, SHAMEFUL response: CRYING/ WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ APOLOGIZING/ COWARDICE. And this KEEPS BEING "TRIGGERED" IN TREATMENT, as the "TWIN" response to the "PROJECTION" response from yesterday. When people complain or whine about food, in such "petty, entitled, childish, stubborn, petulant, wimpy, chickenhearted, etc." ways, it makes me FURIOUS?? "I don't like the texture!" "I don't like the taste!" "It smells gross!" "It looks gross!" "I don't LIKE it!" "I don't WANT it!" TOUGH SHIT. MAN UP & DO THE WORK. FACE IT LIKE A MAN. THAT'S my response. "DON'T BE A BABY." "GROW UP." "GET OVER YOURSELF." "DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD." etc. SOLDIER talk. NO LILYLIVERS TOLERATED. WE'RE AT WAR. WE HAVE OUR DUTY. You want to be mollycoddled & catered to? You want everything "SAFE" & "COMFY" & "PREDICTABLE" & "FUN"? You want to be in CONTROL, for everyone to conform to YOUR selfish & immature demeanor? GET REAL. MAN UP. SHUT UP & FACE IT. ...I cannot tolerate cowardice & weakness & whining in myself & I HATE how OFTEN I STILL act like it. Like how I kept complaining & even REBELLING against having to eat fried chicken today instead of fish tacos (because of the allergen risk). Which was DISOBEDIENT AND IDIOTIC, because guess what? GOD PLANNED THAT FOR YOU, AND YOU'RE FAILING TO SOLDIER UP & TRUST HIM. BUT eventually we DID, and LO & BEHOLD, those "ideal" fish tacos were NOT what we expected (SELFISH/ ENTITLED/ WHINY), & the fried chicken was DELICIOUS & FULL OF CARTILAGE & stuff that we DIDN'T EXPECT but GOD KNEW & that was HIS GIFT. So, DON'T WHINE. DON'T COMPLAIN. BE BRAVE & FACE THE CHALLENGES. Realize that EVERY SINGLE ONE SO FAR HAS BEEN A JOY. GOD PROVIDES. And THAT is ALSO why I hate HEARING people grumble & condemn the food here, labeling it as "gross" or REFUSING TO ACCEPT IT because "I DON'T LIKE IT!" BUT THEY'RE UNWILLING TO EVEN TRY TO CHANGE THAT. They STICK to that dislike & LEAVE it there like a tumor. IT'S UNGRATEFUL & CLOSED-MINDED & REBELLIOUS & it HURTS. THEY DON'T SEE IT AS GOD'S GOOD GIFT OF CREATION. THEY'RE BLINDED BY JUDGEMENT. ...I hope I'M not being too harsh here. They're NOT "bad" people. They're just... closed off, closed to wonder, unwilling to risk CHANGE for the sake of LEARNING TO LOVE. And they are therefore PERPETUATING "DARKNESS." It's hard to verbalize. But I "HATE" COWARDICE. There's NO TRUST there. NO COURAGE. NO HOPE. NO PROGRESS or HEALING or TRANSFORMATION!!

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BIBLE VERSES TO LOOK UP/ REMEMBER=
✳ SOUL FEEDING ON GOD'S WORD?? (FAT; NOT "THIN"!!)
✳ "Delight your soul with RICH FARE"; CHILD + MOTHER "SELF-GIFT" FOOD
✳ God's Word/ Heaven compared to FAT/ SWEET/ RICH "FEASTING" FOODS
✳ MILK, HONEY, SYRUP, WINE, OIL, CHOICE MEATS, BREAD, ETC.!

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"It's only relatable to us if we ALLOW it to be" (COMMUNION/ OPEN HEARTS; SHARE IN OTHERS' LIVES) (COLLECTIVE human experience PARTICIPATION = UNION in CHRIST)

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✳ Group asked us, "what is your STRONGEST thought distortion?" Like, if you could reveal ONLY ONE distortion SPECIFICALLY TO BE COMBATED & hopefully DEFEATED, what would you admit? The aching terrible desperate response is to plunge your hands DIRECTLY INTO THE TAR, GRAB IT BY THE GUTS, & with a WRENCH that takes ALL your strength & courage, FLING IT OUT INTO THE OPEN BATTLEFIELD. What I'm saying is, WHAT is OUR most DARK & AWFUL & POWERFUL & DEADLY "FALSE CORE BELIEF"?
✳ I just discussed that with one of the BHAs, & I not only managed to discern what I feel is the heaviest "curse" of a belief, BUT I ALSO REALIZED THAT ALL THE UGLIEST DISTORTIONS ARE ALMOST INSTANTLY CRUSHED WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THE TRUTH THAT WE'RE A SYSTEM!!! And WHY? BECAUSE WE LOVE ALL OF OURSELF. You ALL know how NIGHTMARISH the Archives can be to read. They're HEARTBREAKING & TERRIFYING & HUMILIATING & DEVASTATING & DISTURBING, but they're TRUE, and they're OUR LIFE NEVERTHELESS, all our struggle & war & HOPE, as we NEVER STOPPED FIGHTING FOR A BETTER TOMORROW, TOGETHER. And so they're ALSO BEAUTIFUL & INSPIRING & HONEST & INSIGHTFUL & COURAGEOUS & JOYFUL & REAL & FULL OF LOVE. And despite EVERYTHING, I can say that in the end, recognizing GOD'S PROVIDENCE in it ALL, I can say with almost insane gratitude, that I THANK GOD FOR ALL OF IT BECAUSE IT ALLOWED US TO EXIST. And the love, the absolute LOVE we have, is absolutely WORTH ALL THE SUFFERING WE ENDURED for its sake. THAT'S THE CROSS!! Like Father P told us, it's actually a STRANGE but GREAT GRACE to HAVE that heavy of a cross TO bear-- AS A CROSS. That means that WE ARE DYING TO THAT DARKNESS & SIN!! It's EVIDENT AS BROKENNESS, BUT NOW, BY "BECOMING" A CROSS THROUGH OUR REPENTANCE, IT CAN BE USED FOR GROWTH IN HUMILITY/ GRACE/ VIRTUE, by LEARNING AND TURNING FROM those fallen ways, an "GIVING US" THE HOPE OF NEW LIFE IN CHRIST THROUGH SHARING IN HIS DEATH (TO SIN, OUT OF LOVE FOR US) THAT "ENABLED" HIS RESURRECTION, AND ASCENSION-- He SANCTIFIED HUMANITY. He FORGED A PATH OUT OF HELL, and it's BY CARRYING OUR CROSSES (admitting our sins AS sins & humbly DOING PENANCE/ STAYING CONTRITE/ NOT JUSTIFYING OR DENYING our sins) AND FOLLOWING CHRIST IN FAITH & HOPE, to NEW LIFE, to LOVE & SALVATION.

"Weaknesses" in treatment plan outline/ treatment plan points to discuss

● LIMITED SUPPORT SYSTEM = OUTSIDE, not INSIDE! And we CANNOT pretend we DON'T need one, because WE MUST LIVE IN THE BODY NOW, which means LIVING IN COMMUNITY, which man was CREATED FOR (RELATIONSHIP) and which is NECESSARY to be HUMBLE & CHARITABLE. Of course therapists do help, & crisis lines. But we SHOULD seek support in the context of a SPECIFIC focus support GROUP? or even just the CHURCH! And PHYSICAL interaction is preferable so we LEARN (not in theory) TO EXIST not just IN THE BODY but as a PERSON/ in a SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT. This WILL take time & effort and honestly right now it's SCARY & EXHAUSTING because OUR "SELF" ISN'T STABLE ENOUGH YET TO DO THIS?? So THAT is PRIORITY. It WILL require "setting boundaries," "asserting needs," etc. WITHOUT isolating OR preventing vulnerability & openness.
● A BIG step TOWARDS this IS IMPROVING OUR FAMILY RELATIONS which we DESPERATELY WANT. The problem is, DO THEY EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ME? If not, I understand. But I MUST BECOME the kind of person they COULD want to be around. And THAT striving to become a better person for them WILL allow me to be that better self SOCIALLY. It really is self-denial & the Cross, for CHARITY'S SAKE. And again, I MUST TAKE INITIATIVE, yet STILL BE PATIENT & HUMBLE. THEY STILL MIGHT NOT WANT YOU. And so, ultimately, our TRUE motivation for this MUST BE GOD. We're striving to obey the 4th Commandment for HIS sake, NOT for ANY earthly rewards. So DON'T RELAPSE OR DESPAIR, EVEN IF YOUR EFFORTS TO RECOVER & BECOME KIND MEAN NOTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. I actually CAN'T do this JUST "for them" or I'll COLLAPSE. My ULTIMATE end MUST BE TO HONOR GOD, IN honoring my family, EVEN IF MY FAMILY REJECTS ME STILL. I'll have set my real goal higher, one that of course INCLUDES them IN LOVE, but DOESN'T make THEIR REACTION the "deciding factor" of my efforts to "be GOOD" for REAL. ONLY GOD IS THAT JUDGE FOR REAL! Love Him AND love your fam FOR Him too!
● ↑ In the event that my family DOES reject me, I NEED REAL FRIENDS. I've NEVER HAD ANY. And deep down I still wonder about relationships. But that's too much to even consider right now (due to guilt & shame & fear). Inevitably, these friendships MUST HAVE GOD AS THE TRANSCENDENT THIRD. But Lord knows I YEARN to pour myself out for someone, to really LOVE them, & HELP them, and ideally yes I WANT to PROTECT them, which always comes up when I think about this. I'll need to give that deeper thought elsewhere; it MIGHT be a REROUTING of Jay's FATHERHOOD instinct. In any case, I do want to learn HOW to have REAL, SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, esp. where to FIND or LOOK for them. My only map: CHURCH. And I must FIRST become a TRUE "FRIEND" MYSELF FIRST. I CAN'T HAVE A FRIEND IF I CAN'T RESPOND MUTUALLY TO THEIR LOVE. If I'm too bloody self-obsessed TO be truly supportive, the friendship will rot. I WANT TO BE THE FRIEND YOU CAN RELY ON EVEN AT 3AM. And honestly? THAT WEIGHTY OF A VIRTUOUS DISPOSITION HAS TO BE FED. You have to START SMALL but BE CONSISTENT & TAKE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET TO STRENGTHEN THAT VIRTUE BY MAKING IT HABITUAL. PRAY for those chances AND the GRACE TO RESPOND to them READILY & WITH COURAGEOUS LOVE. And God IS giving you those changes WITH YOUR FAMILY. Which brings us, fittingly, back around to "NEEDS." There WILL be "conflicts" but they CAN BE RESOLVED TO MUTUAL BENEFIT, IF I PUT THIS VIRTUOUS EFFORT IN. If I, through recovery, gain the INNER FREEDOM TO find ways to meet my needs WITHOUT DENYING OTHERS, then I can READILY & INSTANTLY JUMP TO SERVE, "ON CALL," knowing that BY GOD'S PROVIDENCE I CAN STILL MEET THEIR NEEDS AND GOD WILL MEET MINE IN DUE TIME. And He HAS DONE THIS ALREADY, CONSISTENTLY. HIS LOVE FOR YOU IS REAL. TRUST IT, & RELY ON HIM!!
● "Haven't learned how to plan for the future" = first, I was convinced I'd die at age 20 so I never planned. I had my first suicide attempt around that age ironically. When I didn't die & hit age 21 I was SO LOST. And that's SECOND = I "gave control of my life" to SLC/ CNC/ UPMC basically. I STILL WAS UNABLE TO EVEN IMAGINE A FUTURE because I was STILL JUST SURVIVING DAY TO DAY, and dictating ALL my behavior & "choices" according to ARBITRARY AUTHORITY. I was either INCAPABLE (trauma) of or FORBIDDEN (obedient submission) to plan for ANY sort of PERSONAL FUTURE. The FIRST TIME that's EVER CHANGED, & VERY SUDDENLY, was in 2022 when Grandma died & I moved out & I HAD NOTHING TO GO BACK TO & NO ACTIVE AUTHORITY DIRECTING ME. So I FLAILED for a while, "defaulting" to PAST "orders," and STILL JUST "LIVING TO SURVIVE." I still felt like I wasn't GOING to have a future, ESPECIALLY not "of my own"?? How could I even IMAGINE it when my life had ALWAYS been marked by a series of SUDDEN DRAMATIC UNEXPECTED TRAUMA that CHANGED EVERYTHING & therefore DESTROYED ALL PREVIOUS "PLANS" for the future because THAT future was NO LONGER POSSIBLE? It's utterly devastating & after a while you just stop planning. Getting through today safely becomes all you CAN "plan for" & it FUELS that sort of "tomorrow doesn't exist" mindset? It's why I struggle even with the concept of "leftovers." What if I don't wake up tomorrow? What if a bomb hits? What if I am forcibly evicted? And these "anxieties" DON'T occur AS "what ifs"; I DON'T "think about" them really because ultimately, I EXPECT ALL THOSE "WHAT IFS" TO END IN DEATH. So why even "plan" how to SURVIVE, if you WON'T? Deep down, some key part of my mind is just RESIGNED TO DYING, and IMMINENTLY. But WHY is that STILL so strong in my psyche?? What are its TRUE ROOTS, the roots that convinced teen me that I'd never survive to adulthood? Even in the League, I saw AGE 16 as a "full life" & COULDN'T EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE ADULTHOOD. Is THAT PART OF THIS?? ESPECIALLY WITH THE ANOREXIA? Do I feel like I CAN ONLY "EXIST" AS A CHILD?? Do I see adulthood/ maturation AS DEATH?? And, even if I COULD become a child again, how WOULD I "see the future" ahead if I DIDN'T WANT TO "GROW UP"? Does that very child mindset lock me into a "perpetual TODAY" that unfortunately inevitably makes it IMPOSSIBLE to ACTUALLY live IN REALITY NOW as an adult who NEEDS to PROVIDE for themselves AND plan for the future as PART of that effort?
✳ BUT I'm realizing that IT DOESN'T REGISTER AS "SELF" CARE??? I DON'T SEE THIS (THIN) ADULT BODY AS ME. AND "WHICH" 'ME'" IS DRIVING? I'M CHRONOLOGICALLY SLICED. There are MULTIPLE JEWELS AND MULTIPLE JESSICAS, AND WE HAVEN'T HAD A "NAME" IN EARNEST SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE DIED. The "Spinel hair" fugue is still a mystery, but EVERYONE knows how unstable we were coming back around 2023, because there were TWO FATAL INTERNAL TRAUMAS; the forced destruction of the Jay bloodline FUTURE, and Infinitii's subsequent death (in light of trauma affecting the present). And honestly, INSIDE, THAT'S the stuck point. Those two were our ONLY STABLE IDENTITY, AND OUR FIRST & ONLY HOPE FOR AN ADULT FUTURE, even if in the end it proved impossible. But they COULD "LOOK FORWARD." Now, without them, we have to learn HOW to again-- and STEP ONE is STABILIZING OUR CORE, AND THEIR NAME!!! We CAN'T plan for the future of our WHOLE self, BODY AND SOUL, WITHOUT THAT PLANNING BEING INTO A "NEW" CORE THAT INHABITS BOTH. And ironically, WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT SINCE we were a child! REMEMBER, BY 2003 IT WAS SPLIT (J/J bloodlines)! So we're OVER 2 DECADES "LATE" IN THIS. But better late than never. ALSO, did the CELEBI split happen EARLIER (poke2 & 2001)?? Geez this is ANCIENT. Still, it's explaining a LOT. Bottom line is THIS: WE HAVE TO DARE TO HOPE, IF ONLY FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even if we DO die tonight, we CAN'T SUCCUMB TO DESPONDENCY. We MUST LIVE, even if only for 5 more minutes. OUR LIFE IS BIGGER THAN US & WE ARE A STEWARD OF THIS GIFT. So we HAVE to think of THEIR FUTURE TOO.
● "Physical/ mental problems" that would be WEAKNESSES during recovery? The ONLY thing I know immediately is that I CAN'T REALLY RECOVER IF I IGNORE THE SYSTEM. I ALSO know that if I DON'T FACE OUR REAL TRAUMA HISTORY HEAD-ON, those denied/ buried horrors WILL CONTINUE TO FUEL DISORDERED BEHAVIOR, EITHER through the eating disorder OR through some OTHER form of addictive, numbing, self-abusive behavior cycles. The BAD ROOTS are giving us ROTTEN FRUITS, which is ironically VERY applicable TO our eating disorder trauma. If we don't DIG THEM UP & DEAL WITH THEM, they will only perpetuate the mental problems, and poison us to boot. We have to UPROOT that ENTIRE "TREE" branching out from the trauma, then TILL that ground, PLANT GOOD SEEDS, and NOURISH THEM TO GROW INTO GOOD FOOD, AS GOD INTENDED US TO BE, for HEALING & JOY & COMMUNION & LOVE between US & PEOPLE & GOD.
● "Physical problems" are baffling me. How would such a thing be a "weakness" in eating disorder recovery? Maybe just the IBS & GERD being potential "behavior triggers" when they flare up. But otherwise, my only OTHER obstacles are ENVIRONMENTAL, such as a lack of available transportation & limited access to stores & limited finances. But we can make it work! We CAN walk to the Dollar store & drug stores in a pinch, & the bus DOES go to at least two local grocery stores, so we'll have to try that one day, just to open up that option. AND, now that we're learning to be more free/ less stubborn & controlling with food, we CAN use what we get in food drives, AND maybe if we budget it we CAN once in a while buy a meal at a local restaurant! So there ARE things we CAN work on to continue & expand recovery. We just HAVE TO PUT THE EFFORT IN FOR EFFORT'S SAKE, so to speak. WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT. We must BUILD THE VIRTUES OF DISCIPLINE, & COURAGE, & REAL RIGHTEOUS OBEDIENCE. If we DON'T work to "expand our comfort zone" and be more ACTIVE & INVOLVED IN OUR LOCAL COMMUNITY, we'll SHRINK back down into self-centered fear. We HAVE TO GROW BEYOND OUR SELF. And we MUST get friendlier WITH OUT NEIGHBORS, which will FINALLY BE POSSIBLE when you're NOT SHACKLING YOURSELF TO RIGID EATING RULES & TIMES. When you DON'T "HAVE TO" only eat CERTAIN foods at CERTAIN times and in CERTAIN ways, then you're FREE to MEET & JOIN OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR SPACES. And God knows I LOVE PEOPLE and I WANT TO DO THAT. So PLANT THE SEEDS. START LAYING A FOUNDATION TO BUILD VIRTUE. You HAVE to start SMALL like a mustard seed & CARE for it so it CAN GROW & FLOURISH & BECOME A CHANNEL/ SOURCE OF GOOD FOR OTHERS! You NEED to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN THE FIELD. You WILL get stronger AS you eat. Your SOUL will get stronger AS you FEED IT VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY CHARITY. And NO ONE CAN EAT ALONE. IT'S ALL GIFT, ALL COMMUNION. That applies to ALL food (LIFE), EVEN METAPHOR & CONCEPT & SYMBOL. Please remember this.
● I'm not too worried about "failed treatment attempts" because I will ALWAYS KEEP ATTEMPTING. That's why I'm here. It's DETERMINED HOPE. And those past treatments DIDN'T actually "fail." I DID heal & recover & learn & grow in REAL, TRUE WAYS, and I DIDN'T & CANNOT lose that progress, EVEN when I "relapsed." I STILL CANNOT EVER "GO BACK" TO "BEFORE TREATMENT." We KEEP GOING.
● "All or nothing" thinking = this is tied to the "no future" distortion? It's an attempt to AVOID RELATIVISM & LUKEWARMNESS on one level, a "fear of grey" because that "ignores the DISTINCTION between BLACK & WHITE"? It's CONTAMINATION FEAR. "DON'T MAKE IT IMPURE." I'm so afraid of NOT BEING GOOD that I'll go to extremes & ironically PERPETUATE "bad behavior" because B&W absolutist thinking IS AN OBSTACLE TO MERCY??? Like, "you've already fallen so far, you CAN'T be good unless you're BLEACHED." And I MUST discern the PROPER "middle ground," NOT a "grey space" BUT a striving FOR WHITE (virtue, goodness, HOLINESS), while IMITATING CHRIST in OFFERING JUST MERCY. Black is STILL BLACK. Sin is ALWAYS SIN. It's NOT GREY. But you DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK THERE, THANKS TO THE CROSS! So LOOK THERE when the black overwhelms you. KEEP REPENTING. KEEP CONVERTING. GOD IS ALWAYS WASHING YOU CLEAN IN HIS MERCY, ESPECIALLY THROUGH CONFESSION, which CALLS OUT SIN for EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, black as tar... in order to RESTORE you TO PURITY BY CHRIST'S BLOOD. "All or nothing" is ironically TRUE, because GOD IS ALL & SIN IS NOTHINGNESS. But DON'T DESPAIR, because "nothingness" CAN'T WIN. Just GET BACK UP IMMEDIATELY & run into your loving Father's waiting & open embrace.
✳ I AM WAY TOO PRONE TO SUGGESTIONS/ "IMPLANTED" THOUGHTS. This is disturbing & is TIED DIRECTLY into my self-distrust, "appeasement" instinct, & history of gaslighting? I IMMEDIATELY "default" to WHATEVER others TELL me I am or am not feeling, even if deep down I "know" it's wrong somehow, BUT I IMMEDIATELY DISSOCIATE to "SHUT THAT OFF" so I FORGET my ACTUAL feelings & "EMPTY" myself in order to BLINDLY ACCEPT & CONFORM to THEIR "ORDERS," EVEN IF IT WASN'T INTENDED AS SUCH. If I say "I'm angry" and someone MISHEARS, "you're happy?" My brain INSTANTLY accepts THAT as "TRUE" & FORCES "HAPPINESS" BY DISSOCIATION & PUSHING "APPEASEMENT MODE" which is TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE & INCAPABLE OF "SELF"-ASSERTION. But deep inside I'm STILL ANGRY & SCARED & CONFUSED & LOST because NOW WHAT, if I'm NOT "ACTUALLY" ANGRY/ I'm "FORBIDDEN" to even ACKNOWLEDGE it, because it would be "IN REBELLION"/ CONTRARY TO "THE TRUTH," which is DICTATED BY THE OTHER. And this intolerable conflict ALWAYS ends with either COMPLETE depersonalization & the "appeaser/ doll" TAKING OVER, OR in the "ABUSE TERROR" (?) instinct SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN & rendering me mute & immobile. The ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS is to LEARN to TRUST the VALIDITY/ REALITY/ TRUTH of MY OWN EMOTIONS ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR THEM. I need to learn how to ASSERT that truth AS truth that CAN'T BE ALTERED BY MERE SUGGESTION??? Which requires REASON & DISCERNMENT, but also SELF-TRUST, which is ACTUALLY ONLY POSSIBLE AS PART OF THE SYSTEM. THAT TRUST MUST ALWAYS BE COLLECTIVE. Which makes TOTAL SENSE actually; if OTHER PEOPLE are feeling/ contributing TO those emotions, and I'm NOT acknowledging or consulting THEM, then of COURSE "I" won't be ABLE to "assert" mySELF" because I'd be IGNORING OURSELF!! We live this life & feel these emotions TOGETHER.
✳ TREATMENT RELATED: "flung around by my emotions" BECAUSE YOU WON'T LISTEN TO THEM, LET ALONE DIALOGUE!!
✳ This ALSO ACTUALLY AFFECTS "SELF-ASSERTION"?? AND "SENSE OF SELF-IDENTITY APART FROM OTHERS"?? Because I ONLY struggle with "fusing my identity with those around me" when I'm OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE SYSTEM, because I'm USED TO & even MADE FOR a "collective self-body," just INTERNALLY. I can only "DISCERN MYSELF" when I am WITH "MY OTHERS" TO DISCERN MYSELF AMONG & WITH. It makes MORE SENSE to "know MYSELF" IN THEIR LIGHT, as a PART of "US." And when I'm truly ANCHORED into that, then I DON'T try to mirror OUTSIDE people because I've FOUND my place & purpose, and ONLY THEN CAN I RESPECT the DISTINCT UNIQUENESS OF OTHERS. As for ASSERTION, to DO that REQUIRES that I "BELIEVE" that WHAT I am asserting is TRUE & RIGHT, AND THAT I HAVE THE "RIGHT" TO ASSERT IT. And if I'm speaking up FOR THE SYSTEM, I DO. I'm ALSO doing this WITH MY FAITH, as I MUST and as is JUST, now that GRACE has CONVINCED & CONVERTED MY HEART TO THE TRUTH. BUT in "CONTRAST" to that, if I'm "cut off" from my REAL IDENTITY as BOTH a CHILD OF GOD & SYSTEM MEMBER-- BOTH as a PART of a WHOLE, a BODY together-- then I CAN'T be assertive because what IS there TO assert?? I ONLY EXIST IN COMMUNION & I CAN ONLY ASSERT MY IDENTITY & NEEDS IN CONTEXT OF THAT PARTICIPATION!! Disconnected from that, I'm LOST & EMPTY. And I HAVE been disconnected for TOO LONG. No wonder "I" couldn't recover. So PLEASE, LIVE FROM THIS TRUE SPACE. HONOR & CHERISH your GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY, and for HIS sake, SELF-ASSERTION will be an act of HONOR & LOVE. ✳ "UNPROCESSED GRIEF & RAGE." This is ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS BEEN DORMANT. That grief & rage is HELD IN OUR HEARTS. WE'VE SUFFERED, TOGETHER, and to DENY/ SUPPRESS/ HIDE OUR EXISTENCE & HISTORY, results in PERPETUAL STAGNATION & EMOTIONAL HOLLOWNESS-- ironically, because the TRUTH of what WE feel STILL REMAINS, buried & avoided, and ALL that pain just turns to MAGMA underground. The volcano WILL erupt eventually. And GOD WILLING I CAN'T WAIT. That's the ONLY way it CAN be processed after SO LONG of being pressurized while red-hot & agonized. It NEEDS to be brought up to the surface ENTIRELY, and it's INEVITABLE. THIS IS WHY WE ALWAYS "WAKE UP" IN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED CRISIS SITUATIONS; IT BREAKS THROUGH THE CRUST. THANKFULLY, there IS a way to "prevent a volcanic eruption" and that is by GOING UNDERGROUND & MEETING THOSE HURTING HEARTS. We DO have "lava tubes" in headspace, remember, down with the chthonics. But setting the metaphor aside, the POINT is that THE GRIEF & RAGE CAN ONLY BE PROCESSED IF IT'S UNBURIED & ACKNOWLEDGED & FELT, and it CAN ONLY BE FELT BY THE NOUSFONI THAT CARRY IT, because THEY EXPERIENCED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU CAN'T PROCESS TRAUMA THAT'S NOT "YOURS," AND APART FROM THE SYSTEM, IT'S NOT.
✳ THIS PRESENTS A NEW & VERY CONCERNING "OBSTACLE"-- MOST OF US "NEVER CAME BACK" AFTER CNC. INFINITII DIED. AND ZE WAS THE FOCUS OF THE WORST TRAUMA, BY HIR VERY FUNCTION. Literally NO ONE ELSE CAN EVEN TOUCH HIR MEMORIES/ EMOTIONS. All we have is SECONDHAND DATA from the (thankfully rare) horrific moments when the trauma got SO BAD it BROKE THROUGH specific fronter consciousness & scarred our COLLECTIVE awareness. That ONLY OCCURS under the TERROR of IMMINENT DEATH. And it DID. BUT WE CAN'T PROCESS IT as sheer panicked doom data, because it's NOT PERSONAL... and we don't know HOW to "MAKE it persona' in such a blood-close, excruciatingly intimate way, UNLESS ZE COMES BACK. Somehow. It's in God's hands. So is ze. But... step one is READING what we have. And we will see what happens.
✳ The last listed weakness, to briefly address: "panic & dissociation in social settings." To repeat, the vast majority of this is caused by disconnection from the System & from the faith. BUT the OTHER half is SENSORY OVERWHELM and we CANNOT DENY THAT CONCERN. It's a REAL ISSUE and we MUST RESPECT IT with MUTUAL respect. We can't isolate-- we don't want to-- but we ALSO CANNOT FORCE OURSELF TO SOCIALIZE BEYOND OUR GENUINE CAPACITY. We have to HONESTLY DISCERN & ASSERT OUR REAL LIMITS & NEEDS, IN ORDER TO GIVE OUR GENUINE ALL TO OTHERS WITHOUT BURNOUT (DISHONESTY)!
✳ DISSOCIATION IS A SURVIVAL RESPONSE. When we fear/ sense impending burnout, we SHUT DOWN. It's a last desperate instinctive response, in the attempt to PROTECT OUR MENTAL INTEGRITY?? Because honestly, if we're NOT acting AS a FAITHFUL System, then the "PSEUDO-SINGLETS" START TO SABOTAGE OUR INTEGRITY because they HAVE NO FOUNDATION. Therefore they CAN'T BE "HONEST" because they are UTTERLY UNMOORED from ANY DEEPER IDENTITY-- which MUST be ANCHORED in COMMUNION. Ironically, all their people-appeasing will NEVER accomplish that because YOU CAN'T CONNECT WITH OTHERS UNLESS YOU FIRST EXIST AS A PERSON DISTINCT FROM THEM. That's the paradox of love. HENCE THE TRINITY. (And YOU ARE CALLED INTO THEIR LOVE!)

Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

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Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)

Psychologically, I am in a COMPLETELY different state now than I was in UPMC & that's not good news. I'm stuttering & dissociating & shaking. Is it because I have no space or privacy or silence here? I feel trapped, overwhelmed, overstimulated, rushed, surrounded, helpless & watched like a caged animal. WHY? This place is SHOCKINGLY LENIENT compared to UPMC. But... I think it's the bigger shift from a solitary home & hospital to suddenly being surrounded by people, even lovely people, with NO "escape" physically. I'll talk to treatment team IF I can phrase this without putting myself in danger. What I really need to do is learn how to assert my boundaries, whatever that means, without offending or hurting or ignoring others. I'm not the only one struggling or suffering. I NEED to be a man, so to speak. That's a problem too. Yeah I'm a woman but I MUST BE STRONG & BRAVE & COURAGEOUS. Or is this God humbling me? I came in here thinking "I'll be a good example & inspire others" because I base my worth on that. But I showed up and burnt out fast & I'm a trembling shrinking coward. I'm a disgrace. And yet I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. I CAN'T. That would betray my own ideals & work towards integrity. But part of me does want to bail. It's jumping to conclusions. Listen, WORK HARD, WOMAN UP, & GIVE IT A WEEK. Cooperate entirely with the team & let them know you ARE determined to heal-- which means PARTICIPATING IN GROUPS & NOT ISOLATING & LEARNING TO NOT FREAK OUT IN SOCIAL SETTINGS. Otherwise they'll choke you on pills. KILL THE EGO CURVED IN ON ITSELF. GO OUT TO OTHERS IN LOVE. That's what JESUS would do, and you ARE His Temple, & SO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE. Live like it!!

How do I change HARD & FAST tomorrow? Do I need to anchor in an overlay? God please help me to stay in the right mindset without getting proud or stupid or blind. Honestly THAT'S what I'm afraid of. A BIG part of this eating disorder IS "SEDATING THE DRAGON." I feel like I'm a MONSTER inside & if I DON'T keep that horror starved & weak, refusing to feed it, it will-- I will-- inevitably be a VIOLENT AGGRESSIVE FIRE destroying all that comes near. I'm terrified that EVEN NOW, although still thin, as I feel STRENGTH & ENERGY returning THROUGH FOOD, the monster WILL hurt everyone UNLESS I keep this ANXIETY CAGE around it. It's just a different restraint; if I can't tranquilize, at least not unless I sleep-deprive it. But it ALL boils down to NOT TRUSTING MYSELF because I KNOW I'M DANGEROUS & OFFENSIVE & INAPPROPRIATE & OBTRUSIVE & RUDE & HAUGHTY & BAD. Deep down I just hurt people. Deeper down I love people so much it hurts and I want to weep bitter hot tears forever because dragons burn people, not embrace them. I'm meant to be slain. "Scorpion Part I." Is that really my nature? NO. Scripture says YOU'VE BEEN BOUGHT AT A PRICE & CHANGED IN CHRIST. Yes, EVEN a cobra like you. The Child DOES put His Hand on you. And He HAS, so please, BELIEVE it!! STOP ACTING SO COWARDLY. But there's some deeper level there too, I feel it now in action. I'm SCARED of doing something wrong & BEING SLAIN and it's making me TERRIFIED to even TRY??

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COUNSELING TOPICS =
● distrust of self; "if I choose it, it's WRONG" = must OBEY AUTHORITY (arbitrary???)
↑ TIED INTO BPD APPEASEMENT "PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE; I'LL DO ANYTHING" (terror of abandonment/ rejection)
● "I'm a MONSTER"; need to be CAGED/ CHAINED/ TRANQUILIZED or else I'll kill someone

✳GUILT = "I MADE A MISTAKE"
SHAME = "I AM A MISTAKE"

So the weekend was rough. I woke up to screaming on Saturday, after having spent the previous day battling a stomach bug and horrific stress levels from Thursday. And Sunday was spent at my dad's house, mostly listening to some woman I didn't know tell me how to live my life. I knew she cared but she didn't know what she was talking about and it made me very very sad. Then I got sick again. I don't like weekends.
However, my patience has paid off. That is why I'm updating.

I saw my therapist on Friday, after over a month of no appointments. We reviewed my neurology test results, and honestly, I am pretty surprised by the evaluation I got. Not shocked, just surprised.
Apparently I have a high IQ and I show strong symptoms of PTSD? Interesting. He was flipping out over it, haha. But he does agree that my gender issues are our biggest concern, so we're going to spend (hopefully) our entire next appointment discussing them. That will be two days after Genesis' 6th birthday, which is great.
I've been updating my IJ lately with all my minor dark personal incidents. I tend to save this journal for more in-depth evaluations of things. I won't restate those points here, as I'll only be repeating myself.
Oh yeah, and I am abysmally late for a Xanga session as of late, thanks to how difficult it now is for me to function with so much channeling. We've determined that my health is greatly suffering from my stress levels, which I'm trying to work with, but the fact still stands that we NEED to have another session ASAP. I'll plan for Monday, as my bros are out of school for the summer, so I don't have free mornings for a few months.
More time to do series research, I guess. I'm slowly getting back into drawing again, so that should help me immensely there too. The main reason why I haven't worked on several of my series very much is because they have almost no art. Without that visual on my part, it is very, very difficult to get the story down. The single reason why Oneircia isn't as fleshed out as it could be is because of Isabelle. Darn your curly hair and fancy dresses!

On a darker note, though. I was thinking about that, how I apparently show all the symptoms of a badly traumatized person.
I didn't understand how until he elaborated on it... pointed out how my eyes are always wide open, mentioned how I'm always in 'red alert mode.' Always on edge, always panicked. Too much stress, too much anxiety. Too many panic attacks. Body pain, self-harm, eating disorders, nightmares. And it frightened me, because he had NO IDEA what caused all that, but he still knew exactly what it meant... trauma.
There's only one problem.
It's mental.
Now you invisible readers should know this well enough to not need elaboration, but understand that every day, I deal with needing to do this over and over again. I repeat myself constantly. Most of the world does not know how strange my life is. And it is truly difficult to have to constantly check myself, to constantly re-evaluate myself, to make sure my life story is worded coherently and sensibly enough that my therapist, or parent, or friend, or teacher, will understand it... well, without calling me 'crazy' in some sense and tossing me out the door. It has happened before.
But I don't usually get this much understanding from a therapist without going into detail. He knows I have gender problems. He knows I've been traumatized. But I'm honestly afraid that, although I've laid down that framework accurately enough, once I start showing what that framework holds, he may view it as invalid.
I don't care how high my IQ supposedly is; when you venture as far away from the 'norm' as I apparently have, people wonder if you're crazy. And I'm honestly afraid, because I can't say that I'm not.
It all boils down to the truth of the trauma.
Typically, in trauma cases, the victim is treated to eventually understand that "their reactions are normal." Unfortunately, this assumes that the trauma they experienced was a 'normal' trauma as well. They were abused, they witnessed a violent event, etc. It is absolutely normal to become traumatized from such things.
Now, I won't deny that I have experienced several incidents that can be considered 'traumatic' in this vein. But they are not the ones that haunt me from day to day. They are not the incidents that keep me up at night, afraid to sleep. They are not the incidents that leave me sobbing in locked rooms, hiding from mirrors, praying for impossible deliverance.
Those other incidents occurred, and they ended. Those other incidents were out of my control. They happened to me and I moved on.
The one incident that has hurt me so badly did not end.
Yes, some people can be badly traumatized by incidents that may not faze others.
But what about when it's all upstairs? Does that still count?

"It's all in your mind."
I am so sick of hearing that. "It's all in your head. It's not real. You'll be okay."
Why do some people treat the inner reality of the mind as invalid? Why are psychological horrors taken less seriously than physical ones in some cases? Both physical and mental sufferings are equally damaging, are equally grave. So when I finally collapse and confess that I have been terribly hurt, but only on a mental plane, I am often not taken seriously. And when that happens with therapists, I lose my chances for a better life. They view me as unstable and unsafe, and unfit for continuing in my original line of thought. Delusional.
Let me repeat a line from an entry I wrote while still in the local psychiatric ward...
"The supervisor just asked me if I was okay. Answer? NO. I wish I could just say "I'm not safe, stable, or secure here. Get me the heck out." But that doesn't sound intelligent or sane. I try so hard to sound intelligent & sane so people take me seriously, but then I don't speak up when I'm emotionally distraught like this."
It is sick, sick and sad, that I have to constantly censor and edit these TRUTHS in my life because I know how some people react when I don't.
I know I'm weird. I know I don't fit inside the box. I've known that since I started school, since I was first exposed to the social system I would have to face and deal with for the rest of my life. It was made very clear, over and over, that I did not fit. Something was 'wrong' with me. It may not have been said outright, but I could feel it, I could see it. My life did not line up with the stories they told, with the games they played, with the values and idols they treasured. None of it made sense to me, and I was fine with that.
I am fine with that. I don't mind being the 'outcast.' My life is better for it, personally.
I am not fine with the fact that, because my pains are equally unusual, they are not seen as real.
I am not fine with the fact that, often, this extends to everything about me. 'There's no way you're telling the truth.' 'Don't be so ridiculous.' Ignored. Invalidated.
And people wonder why I keep my mouth shut.
I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut.

But I'm getting off topic, to an extent.
I have been traumatized, several times, by Julie. This is common knowledge to those who read these journals, but to no others. And it is very serious to me, but it is not serious to many others.
To quote from another journal of mine...
"People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything... Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes... I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about."
I can't believe I'm STILL dealing with this.
How many times have I repeated myself now? Simply because the horror and pressure of keeping it all silent gets too much to bear?
I really want to tell this to my therapist and have him UNDERSTAND. But if he thinks I'm insane, I won't be able to transition, and that may kill me. No joke. There are too many risks with this form; I am painfully aware of that after this past week.

Ugh, I don't want to talk about this. I'm sounding ludicrously selfish and I'm not elaborating on points and understandings that I'm assuming are implied, which is likely making this entry feel overwhelmingly incorrect. I wish I had a better grasp on the English language. I rarely seem to make any lasting sense.

...

I'm just tired is all.
I'm tired of spending every moment of every day in panic mode, constantly guarding against hacks. I know they can happen any time, anywhere. They have happened in my sleep. Waking up, shaking, my body rebelling against me, unable to function for days afterwards... it is horrible. I don't care if it wasn't physical in the traditional sense. It hurt, it was awful, and I don't ever want to go through that hell again. I am so tired of it.
I can't run. I can't call for help. I can't go to support groups, can't casually discuss this with advisors. I can't seek justice.
To them, it's all in my mind. To them, it's not real.
To me, it's the most horribly real thing I've ever experienced.
They don't understand.
It hurts.

My thanatos splinter is working quietly again.
I noticed it today, during dinner with my mom. That powerful destruction drive works even when I don't realize it. I wondered why I had an eating disorder that felt forced? Because I was trying to destroy things, not eat them. It was simply the only way I knew to destroy things without getting 'punished.' I wondered why I loved to burn things as a child. I wondered why I could never hold on to old art, old possessions. I wondered why I abused myself so badly, even without immediate cause. Everything torn, cut, burnt, eaten, destroyed on some level. I just didn't understand why I did it until today.
Destruction is a form of creation. When I recognize something as being in the way of creation, as blocking beneficial progress on some level, my immediate reaction is to destroy it.
We don't need this much excess. Destroy it. We don't need this meaningless filth. Destroy it.
We don't need this wrong body, this hindering shell.
Destroy it.
It was almost too late when I realized there were some things I could not recreate.
You wanna know how I got these scars?...

It is still so hard for me to say no.
I drown myself in responsibilities, in debts, in goals I have no means to achieve, simply because I want to make others happy.
Yes, I am still struggling with this.
I used to take art trades all the time, when I joined dA. Nevermind that I didn't have the tools or programs to complete them. Nevermind that I was losing sleep over homework each night, to the point of getting physically ill. Nevermind that my family was incessantly loud and stressful, that I didn't have any safe spaces and had to hide on the porch just to think straight. Nevermind that I was battling with a new superego who I thought was trying to kill me, that I was battling with an old id who I knew was seeking my absolute destruction.
I still faked a smile, acted overly cheery, tried to be everyone's superhero. "I'll do everything you ask!" Slowly killing myself with it, not understanding that I mattered as well.
It all fell apart somewhere during 2008. I could no longer keep up the act. My integrity rotted, my reliability became useless. I was unable to hold onto any promises, and yet I still kept making them. "I can't let these people down. They need me!" Even if I had no way of doing what they asked, I would accept. To me, saying 'no' was almost sinful. Selfish, cold-hearted, wrong.
I began to use people. Or did I? People offered to help me, to work with me, and by accepting, I felt as if I were manipulating them. I felt as if I treated them like machines, like tools. I cared for them but I felt so detached from them. Using and helping... I can't tell the difference.
But I never said no. I always felt obligated to be everyone else's Atlas, to hold the world on my shoulders, even if I couldn't possibly keep it aloft. In the end, I only hurt people by compromising who I was for who I felt I should be for their sake.
Even today, I find myself doing this. Unconsciously, falsely, I'll find myself doing things, saying things, thinking things that have nothing to do with me, with any of us. No, they apply to a soulless shell that died four years ago, when I realized how it was running my life. But it came back, vaguely but dangerously, this ego we are trying to hard to kill, and it continues to blindly work in the spaces when I forget I am driving.
I live my days in shame, knowing that those around me love that shell and not me. I grew up in an atmosphere where, if I did not fit what was exactly expected of me, I would face the consequences. I shoved myself into the mold out of fear. I never stayed in it completely; I was too aware of the beautiful things it locked out. But I spent enough time in it to be irreparably damaged.
People wonder why I seem so different now then how I had acted as a child.
It makes me want to cry. Can't you see? I have not changed!
But they only wanted the false shell they had helped build.
They didn't like it when I told them who I truly was inside.
I am scared to show my face some days.

"Children are to be seen and not heard."
Did you ever get that as a kid? I did. It haunts me to this day.
I've often heard the expression that you 'shouldn't do something unless you'd be comfortable with your parents-- or grandparents-- watching.'
If I lived by that, I'd be dead in days. I'd feel too guilty to even eat around my caretakers. Why? Because I am still a child, on the inside. I never grew up. And, children are a nuisance. You know how many adults think that, don't you? I'm an annoyance, a hindrance! I have no right to make my own decisions. I have no right to infringe on their utopia, not until they decide I've become an adult as well.
Unfortunately I missed the boat somewhere down the line.
I'm hoping that once I live on my own I'll be able to conquer that somehow. Live as a spy, haha. I used to do that all the time as a kid. No one knows that I'm a kid in an adult body! I'll sneak around and maybe no one will notice.
But there's always that fear of being discovered, of being caught turning a corner and having my disguise torn from me. "Hey, kids like you aren't allowed here!" Kicked out. Punished. Shouted at. Beaten. Locked in the cellar. The Devil is watching you sleep. Look what you've done, you terrible child. You've invoked God's wrath. Beg for forgiveness, or face the fires of hell.
Yeah, my childhood was pretty scary at times.
So I'm still living with that fear haunting me, I guess.
I never grew up, and I don't think I ever will. I don't feel it's possible for me, on an inner level.
I just hope I can make it in a grown-up world, so to speak. It's scary out there, and kids like me don't get taken seriously...

What am I talking about?

I had inner peace, two weeks ago.
I still do. But it is peace with who I AM. It is not peace with who I am forcing myself to be.
I cannot exist as a negative paradox.
If I am truly happy with myself, but this world will not let me be myself without my falling into life-threatening danger, what do I do?
I cannot forfeit my life. I was placed here for a reason. I was placed here to help others.
But I cannot help others, not well, not honestly, in this current state of physical life.
I have no fear of death, for I know death is simply an inevitable change.
I am terrified of dying without having brought good into the world.
Have I? How do I know? Doesn't it matter?
I never understood how some people could focus their lives on their own self-improvement, and not go out and try to actively help others do the same.
Is that impossible? Is it an empty goal? I cannot make anyone do anything, but isn't inspiration important? Am I seeing it wrong?
There is still so much I have to learn.

Ten simple rules for happiness.
1. Free your heart from hatred. I have done this.
2. Free your mind from worries. I cannot do this yet. When I do, I abandon my physical life completely. That can't be right, can it? When I stop worrying, I realize that life is just a game, just a crazy journey to realize what we've had all along. I know that, and I love this game. But what now? I still need to exist here, in this society, but I cannot do so right now, not safely, not when so many others are making life so much more difficult than it has to be. What is my next step? How do I stop worrying, when that feels so similar to carelessness?
3. Live simple, stay away from drama. I would live simply if I could get out of this house. But what is 'drama?' Is it simply highly turbulent situations? What if I love those? What if I love seeing that unfold, and trying to untangle those knots, to bring relief and understanding out of a painful situation? Ignoring the pain will not solve it. I would rather dive in and bring light to the source, no matter how badly I am hurt. Surely I can't be doing that wrong. Am I?
4. Appreciate what you have. I truly do.
5. Laugh and smile. As much as I safely can. It's hard for me to not take life very seriously, though. It worries me that people view that as a bad thing. Yes, life is a game, it is a bright and amazing playground, but there is so much pain here too, that needs to be worked with. I can't just laugh and smile when others are crying in pain!
6. Learn how to forgive and forget. I see no reason not to do so.
7. Love one another. The words I live my life by.
8. Never take things for granted. It has caused me terrible pain in the past.
9. Give a lot more. Is it possible to give too much? Should I? I am indeed willing to give everything away, but then I would be left without greater means to reach others, without ways to keep my own body living on this earth. I don't know if there's a limit. I'm too eager to pass it, to abandon all attachments... and that feels horribly selfish to me.
10. Expect a lot less. I'm not sure what this means. Expect less of what? If this means saying I deserve nothing, I can get behind that. But then we can get into self-loathing territory if we're not careful. We can also become jaded, pessimistic, if we expect too little. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this, but it hurts to wonder. If I'm doing this so wrongly, why do I feel miserable when I follow the instructions others give me?
But maybe it all ends up on a completely different note.
I still believe that every soul has its own path to the ultimate destination, to that indescribable sense of... geez, connectedness? Brightness? It's not something I can put into words. But I know what it feels like.
And maybe that's what I need to focus on. Reading all these different thoughts gets me confused and worried after a while. "What if I'm wrong? What if I'm doing everything wrong?"
Maybe there is no 'wrong way' if your goal truly is to live in love and light.
I don't know. I think I just need to get off the Internet for a week again and focus on my writing.

There's just so much to think about.
I have a lot of research and reading to do. My mind is a mess right now.
I feel like I've taken a couple steps backwards, and that worries me. Then again, at least I recognize the feeling.
Ironically this always happens when I look to others for advice on how I should be living.
I guess I'm just too used to being told that I'm wrong. I need to
get over that, but it's tough when your life's on the line.

I'll leave you be for now. I deeply apologize if I've offended or hurt anyone.
...
Maybe I should just stop writing like this.
I repeat myself too much. I try to live up to too many expectations.
It feels like a cage, sometimes. Being online, keeping up communications, trying to be a sort of role model to others.
I really don't know if that's self-centered or not. Part of me says yes, part of me says no.
But typing is making it worse. I'm not helping anyone by talking about myself, am I?
I need to leave. I need to read, I need to learn.
I need to write about other things, things that can help people, that have nothing to do with my physical life.

I'm a mess.
Something is holding me back, I know it.
I'm happy with who I am; why do I still feel miserable?
Is it simply my life situation? Or is there something else?
I'll find out.

...And I keep getting caught off-guard by reasons to live.
Why. Why.
Why do I have something so achingly beautiful and it's so unnatural in the eyes of others that I can't talk about it offline.
This hurts. It hurts and I love it and oh God I can't believe this is part of my life.
What do the self-help books have to say about this, huh?
What do they say about feelings that make you want to jump in front of a bus in a good way?
Destruction, creation, one and the same in this sense. Feelings so crushing they effectively annihilate and resurrect me.
There isn't a word in the English language to express this agonizing brightness I'm feeling right now.
What is this?
Why was my grandmother so afraid after that blessing I received last year? When I told her that the Holy Spirit hurt, and it was beautiful?
Why does happiness leave me empty? Why do fun and games and laughter leave me sad and confused?
Is this what I'm really looking for?

I'm going to sleep. I don't want to be awake anymore.

I HATE endorphins.

Every single time I do anything that sets them off, I want to kill EVERYTHING.

I really, really don't like it when that happens.

I can't even exercise without wanting to eviscerate something. And not exercising is making me seriously ill.

The only exception to the rule is pain. When I'm in pain, that death drive turns inwards, and I then become disturbingly bent on eviscerating myself, so to speak. But no one else is in danger then.

When I get a 'rush' from anything else, I don't 'feel good.' I'm aware of the biological effects they're supposed to be setting off, but the only thing I actually get is that unadulterated violent rage.

Seriously, what is this??

I am so sick of not being able to do ANYTHING without this happening.

I have literally hurt people because of this, you know. Not just me.

I really do not want to put up with this biological idiocy anymore.

The worst part is that, when I read spiritual blogs, EVERYTHING makes sense EXCEPT when they say 'enjoy your body' and all that nonsense.

The single thing keeping me from being unafraid of death is the view some people have of the 'afterlife.'

I don't want to keep this nightmare of a body.

If I die, if I ever manage to become enlightened (which this problem is severely hindering), I DO NOT WANT A PHYSICAL FORM.

You know what, I've had it. I've had it with this nonsense.

I'm going to try and sleep without having a string of panic attacks. Wish me luck.

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Page generated Jun. 26th, 2025 02:58 pm

the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with rage & violence

110124

100524 nightmare

100224

100124

093024

092324 TBHU TREATMENT PLAN WEAKNESS NOTES

092224

091924 back of tablet

don't touch me

0512

i forgot to breathe