prismaticbleed | 092324 TBHU TREATMENT PLAN WEAKNESS NOTES (Reply)

"Weaknesses" in treatment plan outline/ treatment plan points to discuss

● LIMITED SUPPORT SYSTEM = OUTSIDE, not INSIDE! And we CANNOT pretend we DON'T need one, because WE MUST LIVE IN THE BODY NOW, which means LIVING IN COMMUNITY, which man was CREATED FOR (RELATIONSHIP) and which is NECESSARY to be HUMBLE & CHARITABLE. Of course therapists do help, & crisis lines. But we SHOULD seek support in the context of a SPECIFIC focus support GROUP? or even just the CHURCH! And PHYSICAL interaction is preferable so we LEARN (not in theory) TO EXIST not just IN THE BODY but as a PERSON/ in a SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT. This WILL take time & effort and honestly right now it's SCARY & EXHAUSTING because OUR "SELF" ISN'T STABLE ENOUGH YET TO DO THIS?? So THAT is PRIORITY. It WILL require "setting boundaries," "asserting needs," etc. WITHOUT isolating OR preventing vulnerability & openness.
● A BIG step TOWARDS this IS IMPROVING OUR FAMILY RELATIONS which we DESPERATELY WANT. The problem is, DO THEY EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ME? If not, I understand. But I MUST BECOME the kind of person they COULD want to be around. And THAT striving to become a better person for them WILL allow me to be that better self SOCIALLY. It really is self-denial & the Cross, for CHARITY'S SAKE. And again, I MUST TAKE INITIATIVE, yet STILL BE PATIENT & HUMBLE. THEY STILL MIGHT NOT WANT YOU. And so, ultimately, our TRUE motivation for this MUST BE GOD. We're striving to obey the 4th Commandment for HIS sake, NOT for ANY earthly rewards. So DON'T RELAPSE OR DESPAIR, EVEN IF YOUR EFFORTS TO RECOVER & BECOME KIND MEAN NOTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. I actually CAN'T do this JUST "for them" or I'll COLLAPSE. My ULTIMATE end MUST BE TO HONOR GOD, IN honoring my family, EVEN IF MY FAMILY REJECTS ME STILL. I'll have set my real goal higher, one that of course INCLUDES them IN LOVE, but DOESN'T make THEIR REACTION the "deciding factor" of my efforts to "be GOOD" for REAL. ONLY GOD IS THAT JUDGE FOR REAL! Love Him AND love your fam FOR Him too!
● ↑ In the event that my family DOES reject me, I NEED REAL FRIENDS. I've NEVER HAD ANY. And deep down I still wonder about relationships. But that's too much to even consider right now (due to guilt & shame & fear). Inevitably, these friendships MUST HAVE GOD AS THE TRANSCENDENT THIRD. But Lord knows I YEARN to pour myself out for someone, to really LOVE them, & HELP them, and ideally yes I WANT to PROTECT them, which always comes up when I think about this. I'll need to give that deeper thought elsewhere; it MIGHT be a REROUTING of Jay's FATHERHOOD instinct. In any case, I do want to learn HOW to have REAL, SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, esp. where to FIND or LOOK for them. My only map: CHURCH. And I must FIRST become a TRUE "FRIEND" MYSELF FIRST. I CAN'T HAVE A FRIEND IF I CAN'T RESPOND MUTUALLY TO THEIR LOVE. If I'm too bloody self-obsessed TO be truly supportive, the friendship will rot. I WANT TO BE THE FRIEND YOU CAN RELY ON EVEN AT 3AM. And honestly? THAT WEIGHTY OF A VIRTUOUS DISPOSITION HAS TO BE FED. You have to START SMALL but BE CONSISTENT & TAKE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET TO STRENGTHEN THAT VIRTUE BY MAKING IT HABITUAL. PRAY for those chances AND the GRACE TO RESPOND to them READILY & WITH COURAGEOUS LOVE. And God IS giving you those changes WITH YOUR FAMILY. Which brings us, fittingly, back around to "NEEDS." There WILL be "conflicts" but they CAN BE RESOLVED TO MUTUAL BENEFIT, IF I PUT THIS VIRTUOUS EFFORT IN. If I, through recovery, gain the INNER FREEDOM TO find ways to meet my needs WITHOUT DENYING OTHERS, then I can READILY & INSTANTLY JUMP TO SERVE, "ON CALL," knowing that BY GOD'S PROVIDENCE I CAN STILL MEET THEIR NEEDS AND GOD WILL MEET MINE IN DUE TIME. And He HAS DONE THIS ALREADY, CONSISTENTLY. HIS LOVE FOR YOU IS REAL. TRUST IT, & RELY ON HIM!!
● "Haven't learned how to plan for the future" = first, I was convinced I'd die at age 20 so I never planned. I had my first suicide attempt around that age ironically. When I didn't die & hit age 21 I was SO LOST. And that's SECOND = I "gave control of my life" to SLC/ CNC/ UPMC basically. I STILL WAS UNABLE TO EVEN IMAGINE A FUTURE because I was STILL JUST SURVIVING DAY TO DAY, and dictating ALL my behavior & "choices" according to ARBITRARY AUTHORITY. I was either INCAPABLE (trauma) of or FORBIDDEN (obedient submission) to plan for ANY sort of PERSONAL FUTURE. The FIRST TIME that's EVER CHANGED, & VERY SUDDENLY, was in 2022 when Grandma died & I moved out & I HAD NOTHING TO GO BACK TO & NO ACTIVE AUTHORITY DIRECTING ME. So I FLAILED for a while, "defaulting" to PAST "orders," and STILL JUST "LIVING TO SURVIVE." I still felt like I wasn't GOING to have a future, ESPECIALLY not "of my own"?? How could I even IMAGINE it when my life had ALWAYS been marked by a series of SUDDEN DRAMATIC UNEXPECTED TRAUMA that CHANGED EVERYTHING & therefore DESTROYED ALL PREVIOUS "PLANS" for the future because THAT future was NO LONGER POSSIBLE? It's utterly devastating & after a while you just stop planning. Getting through today safely becomes all you CAN "plan for" & it FUELS that sort of "tomorrow doesn't exist" mindset? It's why I struggle even with the concept of "leftovers." What if I don't wake up tomorrow? What if a bomb hits? What if I am forcibly evicted? And these "anxieties" DON'T occur AS "what ifs"; I DON'T "think about" them really because ultimately, I EXPECT ALL THOSE "WHAT IFS" TO END IN DEATH. So why even "plan" how to SURVIVE, if you WON'T? Deep down, some key part of my mind is just RESIGNED TO DYING, and IMMINENTLY. But WHY is that STILL so strong in my psyche?? What are its TRUE ROOTS, the roots that convinced teen me that I'd never survive to adulthood? Even in the League, I saw AGE 16 as a "full life" & COULDN'T EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE ADULTHOOD. Is THAT PART OF THIS?? ESPECIALLY WITH THE ANOREXIA? Do I feel like I CAN ONLY "EXIST" AS A CHILD?? Do I see adulthood/ maturation AS DEATH?? And, even if I COULD become a child again, how WOULD I "see the future" ahead if I DIDN'T WANT TO "GROW UP"? Does that very child mindset lock me into a "perpetual TODAY" that unfortunately inevitably makes it IMPOSSIBLE to ACTUALLY live IN REALITY NOW as an adult who NEEDS to PROVIDE for themselves AND plan for the future as PART of that effort?
✳ BUT I'm realizing that IT DOESN'T REGISTER AS "SELF" CARE??? I DON'T SEE THIS (THIN) ADULT BODY AS ME. AND "WHICH" 'ME'" IS DRIVING? I'M CHRONOLOGICALLY SLICED. There are MULTIPLE JEWELS AND MULTIPLE JESSICAS, AND WE HAVEN'T HAD A "NAME" IN EARNEST SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE DIED. The "Spinel hair" fugue is still a mystery, but EVERYONE knows how unstable we were coming back around 2023, because there were TWO FATAL INTERNAL TRAUMAS; the forced destruction of the Jay bloodline FUTURE, and Infinitii's subsequent death (in light of trauma affecting the present). And honestly, INSIDE, THAT'S the stuck point. Those two were our ONLY STABLE IDENTITY, AND OUR FIRST & ONLY HOPE FOR AN ADULT FUTURE, even if in the end it proved impossible. But they COULD "LOOK FORWARD." Now, without them, we have to learn HOW to again-- and STEP ONE is STABILIZING OUR CORE, AND THEIR NAME!!! We CAN'T plan for the future of our WHOLE self, BODY AND SOUL, WITHOUT THAT PLANNING BEING INTO A "NEW" CORE THAT INHABITS BOTH. And ironically, WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT SINCE we were a child! REMEMBER, BY 2003 IT WAS SPLIT (J/J bloodlines)! So we're OVER 2 DECADES "LATE" IN THIS. But better late than never. ALSO, did the CELEBI split happen EARLIER (poke2 & 2001)?? Geez this is ANCIENT. Still, it's explaining a LOT. Bottom line is THIS: WE HAVE TO DARE TO HOPE, IF ONLY FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even if we DO die tonight, we CAN'T SUCCUMB TO DESPONDENCY. We MUST LIVE, even if only for 5 more minutes. OUR LIFE IS BIGGER THAN US & WE ARE A STEWARD OF THIS GIFT. So we HAVE to think of THEIR FUTURE TOO.
● "Physical/ mental problems" that would be WEAKNESSES during recovery? The ONLY thing I know immediately is that I CAN'T REALLY RECOVER IF I IGNORE THE SYSTEM. I ALSO know that if I DON'T FACE OUR REAL TRAUMA HISTORY HEAD-ON, those denied/ buried horrors WILL CONTINUE TO FUEL DISORDERED BEHAVIOR, EITHER through the eating disorder OR through some OTHER form of addictive, numbing, self-abusive behavior cycles. The BAD ROOTS are giving us ROTTEN FRUITS, which is ironically VERY applicable TO our eating disorder trauma. If we don't DIG THEM UP & DEAL WITH THEM, they will only perpetuate the mental problems, and poison us to boot. We have to UPROOT that ENTIRE "TREE" branching out from the trauma, then TILL that ground, PLANT GOOD SEEDS, and NOURISH THEM TO GROW INTO GOOD FOOD, AS GOD INTENDED US TO BE, for HEALING & JOY & COMMUNION & LOVE between US & PEOPLE & GOD.
● "Physical problems" are baffling me. How would such a thing be a "weakness" in eating disorder recovery? Maybe just the IBS & GERD being potential "behavior triggers" when they flare up. But otherwise, my only OTHER obstacles are ENVIRONMENTAL, such as a lack of available transportation & limited access to stores & limited finances. But we can make it work! We CAN walk to the Dollar store & drug stores in a pinch, & the bus DOES go to at least two local grocery stores, so we'll have to try that one day, just to open up that option. AND, now that we're learning to be more free/ less stubborn & controlling with food, we CAN use what we get in food drives, AND maybe if we budget it we CAN once in a while buy a meal at a local restaurant! So there ARE things we CAN work on to continue & expand recovery. We just HAVE TO PUT THE EFFORT IN FOR EFFORT'S SAKE, so to speak. WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT. We must BUILD THE VIRTUES OF DISCIPLINE, & COURAGE, & REAL RIGHTEOUS OBEDIENCE. If we DON'T work to "expand our comfort zone" and be more ACTIVE & INVOLVED IN OUR LOCAL COMMUNITY, we'll SHRINK back down into self-centered fear. We HAVE TO GROW BEYOND OUR SELF. And we MUST get friendlier WITH OUT NEIGHBORS, which will FINALLY BE POSSIBLE when you're NOT SHACKLING YOURSELF TO RIGID EATING RULES & TIMES. When you DON'T "HAVE TO" only eat CERTAIN foods at CERTAIN times and in CERTAIN ways, then you're FREE to MEET & JOIN OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR SPACES. And God knows I LOVE PEOPLE and I WANT TO DO THAT. So PLANT THE SEEDS. START LAYING A FOUNDATION TO BUILD VIRTUE. You HAVE to start SMALL like a mustard seed & CARE for it so it CAN GROW & FLOURISH & BECOME A CHANNEL/ SOURCE OF GOOD FOR OTHERS! You NEED to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN THE FIELD. You WILL get stronger AS you eat. Your SOUL will get stronger AS you FEED IT VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY CHARITY. And NO ONE CAN EAT ALONE. IT'S ALL GIFT, ALL COMMUNION. That applies to ALL food (LIFE), EVEN METAPHOR & CONCEPT & SYMBOL. Please remember this.
● I'm not too worried about "failed treatment attempts" because I will ALWAYS KEEP ATTEMPTING. That's why I'm here. It's DETERMINED HOPE. And those past treatments DIDN'T actually "fail." I DID heal & recover & learn & grow in REAL, TRUE WAYS, and I DIDN'T & CANNOT lose that progress, EVEN when I "relapsed." I STILL CANNOT EVER "GO BACK" TO "BEFORE TREATMENT." We KEEP GOING.
● "All or nothing" thinking = this is tied to the "no future" distortion? It's an attempt to AVOID RELATIVISM & LUKEWARMNESS on one level, a "fear of grey" because that "ignores the DISTINCTION between BLACK & WHITE"? It's CONTAMINATION FEAR. "DON'T MAKE IT IMPURE." I'm so afraid of NOT BEING GOOD that I'll go to extremes & ironically PERPETUATE "bad behavior" because B&W absolutist thinking IS AN OBSTACLE TO MERCY??? Like, "you've already fallen so far, you CAN'T be good unless you're BLEACHED." And I MUST discern the PROPER "middle ground," NOT a "grey space" BUT a striving FOR WHITE (virtue, goodness, HOLINESS), while IMITATING CHRIST in OFFERING JUST MERCY. Black is STILL BLACK. Sin is ALWAYS SIN. It's NOT GREY. But you DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK THERE, THANKS TO THE CROSS! So LOOK THERE when the black overwhelms you. KEEP REPENTING. KEEP CONVERTING. GOD IS ALWAYS WASHING YOU CLEAN IN HIS MERCY, ESPECIALLY THROUGH CONFESSION, which CALLS OUT SIN for EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, black as tar... in order to RESTORE you TO PURITY BY CHRIST'S BLOOD. "All or nothing" is ironically TRUE, because GOD IS ALL & SIN IS NOTHINGNESS. But DON'T DESPAIR, because "nothingness" CAN'T WIN. Just GET BACK UP IMMEDIATELY & run into your loving Father's waiting & open embrace.
✳ I AM WAY TOO PRONE TO SUGGESTIONS/ "IMPLANTED" THOUGHTS. This is disturbing & is TIED DIRECTLY into my self-distrust, "appeasement" instinct, & history of gaslighting? I IMMEDIATELY "default" to WHATEVER others TELL me I am or am not feeling, even if deep down I "know" it's wrong somehow, BUT I IMMEDIATELY DISSOCIATE to "SHUT THAT OFF" so I FORGET my ACTUAL feelings & "EMPTY" myself in order to BLINDLY ACCEPT & CONFORM to THEIR "ORDERS," EVEN IF IT WASN'T INTENDED AS SUCH. If I say "I'm angry" and someone MISHEARS, "you're happy?" My brain INSTANTLY accepts THAT as "TRUE" & FORCES "HAPPINESS" BY DISSOCIATION & PUSHING "APPEASEMENT MODE" which is TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE & INCAPABLE OF "SELF"-ASSERTION. But deep inside I'm STILL ANGRY & SCARED & CONFUSED & LOST because NOW WHAT, if I'm NOT "ACTUALLY" ANGRY/ I'm "FORBIDDEN" to even ACKNOWLEDGE it, because it would be "IN REBELLION"/ CONTRARY TO "THE TRUTH," which is DICTATED BY THE OTHER. And this intolerable conflict ALWAYS ends with either COMPLETE depersonalization & the "appeaser/ doll" TAKING OVER, OR in the "ABUSE TERROR" (?) instinct SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN & rendering me mute & immobile. The ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS is to LEARN to TRUST the VALIDITY/ REALITY/ TRUTH of MY OWN EMOTIONS ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR THEM. I need to learn how to ASSERT that truth AS truth that CAN'T BE ALTERED BY MERE SUGGESTION??? Which requires REASON & DISCERNMENT, but also SELF-TRUST, which is ACTUALLY ONLY POSSIBLE AS PART OF THE SYSTEM. THAT TRUST MUST ALWAYS BE COLLECTIVE. Which makes TOTAL SENSE actually; if OTHER PEOPLE are feeling/ contributing TO those emotions, and I'm NOT acknowledging or consulting THEM, then of COURSE "I" won't be ABLE to "assert" mySELF" because I'd be IGNORING OURSELF!! We live this life & feel these emotions TOGETHER.
✳ TREATMENT RELATED: "flung around by my emotions" BECAUSE YOU WON'T LISTEN TO THEM, LET ALONE DIALOGUE!!
✳ This ALSO ACTUALLY AFFECTS "SELF-ASSERTION"?? AND "SENSE OF SELF-IDENTITY APART FROM OTHERS"?? Because I ONLY struggle with "fusing my identity with those around me" when I'm OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE SYSTEM, because I'm USED TO & even MADE FOR a "collective self-body," just INTERNALLY. I can only "DISCERN MYSELF" when I am WITH "MY OTHERS" TO DISCERN MYSELF AMONG & WITH. It makes MORE SENSE to "know MYSELF" IN THEIR LIGHT, as a PART of "US." And when I'm truly ANCHORED into that, then I DON'T try to mirror OUTSIDE people because I've FOUND my place & purpose, and ONLY THEN CAN I RESPECT the DISTINCT UNIQUENESS OF OTHERS. As for ASSERTION, to DO that REQUIRES that I "BELIEVE" that WHAT I am asserting is TRUE & RIGHT, AND THAT I HAVE THE "RIGHT" TO ASSERT IT. And if I'm speaking up FOR THE SYSTEM, I DO. I'm ALSO doing this WITH MY FAITH, as I MUST and as is JUST, now that GRACE has CONVINCED & CONVERTED MY HEART TO THE TRUTH. BUT in "CONTRAST" to that, if I'm "cut off" from my REAL IDENTITY as BOTH a CHILD OF GOD & SYSTEM MEMBER-- BOTH as a PART of a WHOLE, a BODY together-- then I CAN'T be assertive because what IS there TO assert?? I ONLY EXIST IN COMMUNION & I CAN ONLY ASSERT MY IDENTITY & NEEDS IN CONTEXT OF THAT PARTICIPATION!! Disconnected from that, I'm LOST & EMPTY. And I HAVE been disconnected for TOO LONG. No wonder "I" couldn't recover. So PLEASE, LIVE FROM THIS TRUE SPACE. HONOR & CHERISH your GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY, and for HIS sake, SELF-ASSERTION will be an act of HONOR & LOVE. ✳ "UNPROCESSED GRIEF & RAGE." This is ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS BEEN DORMANT. That grief & rage is HELD IN OUR HEARTS. WE'VE SUFFERED, TOGETHER, and to DENY/ SUPPRESS/ HIDE OUR EXISTENCE & HISTORY, results in PERPETUAL STAGNATION & EMOTIONAL HOLLOWNESS-- ironically, because the TRUTH of what WE feel STILL REMAINS, buried & avoided, and ALL that pain just turns to MAGMA underground. The volcano WILL erupt eventually. And GOD WILLING I CAN'T WAIT. That's the ONLY way it CAN be processed after SO LONG of being pressurized while red-hot & agonized. It NEEDS to be brought up to the surface ENTIRELY, and it's INEVITABLE. THIS IS WHY WE ALWAYS "WAKE UP" IN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED CRISIS SITUATIONS; IT BREAKS THROUGH THE CRUST. THANKFULLY, there IS a way to "prevent a volcanic eruption" and that is by GOING UNDERGROUND & MEETING THOSE HURTING HEARTS. We DO have "lava tubes" in headspace, remember, down with the chthonics. But setting the metaphor aside, the POINT is that THE GRIEF & RAGE CAN ONLY BE PROCESSED IF IT'S UNBURIED & ACKNOWLEDGED & FELT, and it CAN ONLY BE FELT BY THE NOUSFONI THAT CARRY IT, because THEY EXPERIENCED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU CAN'T PROCESS TRAUMA THAT'S NOT "YOURS," AND APART FROM THE SYSTEM, IT'S NOT.
✳ THIS PRESENTS A NEW & VERY CONCERNING "OBSTACLE"-- MOST OF US "NEVER CAME BACK" AFTER CNC. INFINITII DIED. AND ZE WAS THE FOCUS OF THE WORST TRAUMA, BY HIR VERY FUNCTION. Literally NO ONE ELSE CAN EVEN TOUCH HIR MEMORIES/ EMOTIONS. All we have is SECONDHAND DATA from the (thankfully rare) horrific moments when the trauma got SO BAD it BROKE THROUGH specific fronter consciousness & scarred our COLLECTIVE awareness. That ONLY OCCURS under the TERROR of IMMINENT DEATH. And it DID. BUT WE CAN'T PROCESS IT as sheer panicked doom data, because it's NOT PERSONAL... and we don't know HOW to "MAKE it persona' in such a blood-close, excruciatingly intimate way, UNLESS ZE COMES BACK. Somehow. It's in God's hands. So is ze. But... step one is READING what we have. And we will see what happens.
✳ The last listed weakness, to briefly address: "panic & dissociation in social settings." To repeat, the vast majority of this is caused by disconnection from the System & from the faith. BUT the OTHER half is SENSORY OVERWHELM and we CANNOT DENY THAT CONCERN. It's a REAL ISSUE and we MUST RESPECT IT with MUTUAL respect. We can't isolate-- we don't want to-- but we ALSO CANNOT FORCE OURSELF TO SOCIALIZE BEYOND OUR GENUINE CAPACITY. We have to HONESTLY DISCERN & ASSERT OUR REAL LIMITS & NEEDS, IN ORDER TO GIVE OUR GENUINE ALL TO OTHERS WITHOUT BURNOUT (DISHONESTY)!
✳ DISSOCIATION IS A SURVIVAL RESPONSE. When we fear/ sense impending burnout, we SHUT DOWN. It's a last desperate instinctive response, in the attempt to PROTECT OUR MENTAL INTEGRITY?? Because honestly, if we're NOT acting AS a FAITHFUL System, then the "PSEUDO-SINGLETS" START TO SABOTAGE OUR INTEGRITY because they HAVE NO FOUNDATION. Therefore they CAN'T BE "HONEST" because they are UTTERLY UNMOORED from ANY DEEPER IDENTITY-- which MUST be ANCHORED in COMMUNION. Ironically, all their people-appeasing will NEVER accomplish that because YOU CAN'T CONNECT WITH OTHERS UNLESS YOU FIRST EXIST AS A PERSON DISTINCT FROM THEM. That's the paradox of love. HENCE THE TRINITY. (And YOU ARE CALLED INTO THEIR LOVE!)