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[prismaticbleed]

✳ WE HAVE TO FIGHT CONCUPISCENCE because GOD WANTS US TO BE STRONG & DISCIPLINED & COURAGEOUS. Being "evil" is EASY & COWARDLY. Being "GOOD" IS A FIGHT, but we're GUARANTEED VICTORY IN CHRIST! SO BE HIS SOLDIER. The DEVIL is AFRAID. As Christians, WE have NOTHING to fear, we HAVE GOD'S LOVE.

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We're still getting itchy & burny eyes/ runny nose/ nausea/ etc. after eating eggs. I will message our allergist about this tomorrow, but for now, we NEED to edit the mealplan slightly to EXCLUDE EGGS & SOY, because if a "minor skinprick response" is STILL making us feel this sick, maybe we should stop trying to "build up a tolerance". But until we hear back from her, right now I'm going to keep eating eggs (I enjoy them even so) & tracking symptoms UNLESS it gets TOO concerning or we're TOLD to stop, I guess. I'm not sure how we'd alter our BK otherwise-- to get 3P with our allergies, we would HAVE to get cottage cheese, sausage, AND sunbutter EVERY morning, OR triple one of those options, and that's both difficult & kind of gross (salty & oversticky/ dense). We'll see after tomorrow. We should at least try??  Honestly the most REALISTIC option IS the Sunbutter-- we wouldn't be eating any sausage at home, it pairs well with the breakfast items, and it's our only easily prepped/ available option for an "exchange eligible" protein at home... But seriously, think about this change REALISTICALLY. At home we can always BANK ON GREEK YOGURT. Really our ONLY concern is RIGHT NOW, & step one is TRY THE SUNBUTTER, & do WHATEVER the ALLERGIST SAYS. By the way, this DOES AFFECT CONDIMENT FORCING, because it ALL seems to have EGGS &/OR SOY OIL. But hey, that's MOTIVATION to KICK THE HABIT. We've had 12 DAYS of pseudobinge behavior with the bloody things so START CUTTING BACK, if not COMPLETELY COLD TURKEY, unless we can't avoid it as part of the menu. We CANNOT be "feeding the REAL monster" of ADDICTIVE COMPULSION, ESPECIALLY with our LIFE at risk!

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✳ WORK WITH THE LOWEST EXCHANGE PLAN UNTIL WE JOIN A GYM! WE WILL NEED TO BULK UP AS WE GAIN STRENGTH?
✳ ARE WE FOCUSING ON WEIGHTS AT FIRST? RESTART CARDIO SLOWLY?

✳I'M SO TIRED OF FOOD FOCUS. I WANT TO LIVE. Yes we STILL need to feed & nourish the body God gave us, BUT our FOCUS MUST BE ON WORSHIP/ ETERNITY!! "REMEMBER YOU ARE BUT DUST." & 1 CORINTHIANS 6:12-14!!

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✳ New marker color, but OLD topic. Basically, WHY ARE SO MANY FOODS STILL "SCARY" AFTER WE'VE EATEN THEM? And WHY does it feel like POTENTIALLY ALL "FEAR FOODS" WILL STILL BE SCARY/ AVOIDED OUTSIDE OF THE HOSPITAL??? WHY DOES CONTEXT CHANGE THINGS & "OVERRIDE" THE HEALING MINDSET?? IS IT JUST the "REBELLIOUS CHILD" INSTINCT? Am "I" just TRYING to "PROTECT" myself BY REFUSING/ FIGHTING WHEN I "FINALLY CAN AGAIN"?? If so, then THE REAL FEAR ROOTS HAVEN'T BEEN HEALED, and it MIGHT ACTUALLY be ONE BIG ROOT. So we HAVE to discern WHAT IT IS. There's a BELIEF somewhere, FALSE & NEGATIVE, fueling ALL this.

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FOODS "AT RISK OF RELAPSE" and WHY (esp. "not safe AT HOME/ IF I CHOOSE THEM?) =
1) "SUGAR"/ SWEET FOODS. We wrote about this in the back. It's an ANCIENT "HACK TRIGGER" & therefore honestly the FIRST "TRAUMA FOOD" (CHOCOLATE). This INCLUDES FRUIT, which already has cultural associations with sex on its own. "Desserts" are considered "indulgent/ sensual/ luxurious" & therefore feel like INVITATIONS FOR TRAUMA.The very QUALITY of "sweetness" is in itself a bomb siren.
2) "CHILDHOOD" FOODS. This honestly baffled me UNTIL I realized, "they were eaten WITH THE FAMILY." Even if we "LOVE THE FAMILY AND LIKE THE FOOD," there is this HEAVY VENEER of ANXIOUS DREAD over it REGARDLESS. This includes POLISH food (church picnics), ITALIAN food (going out on weekends, after church?), FAST food (from vacations & road trips), & GRANDMA'S COOKING, tragically enough. It ALSO includes a group we FORGOT until flashbacks hit here: SCHOOL LUNCHES. We could probably ALSO include CIOCI ANN/ COUSIN foods (her house AND local folks), AND HOLIDAY foods (Christmas/ Easter). We'll make the actual lists separately, but the CONNECTING POINT for ALL of them is that THEY WERE ALL EATEN WITH THE FAMILY, OR A "FAMILY" ANALOGUE (school, church), IN A GROUP/ SOCIAL SETTING... UNDER HIGH ANXIETY, due to CONFLICT and/or SOCIAL OVERWHELM? BUT they still DIFFER from the NEXT broad category, because they're NOT explicitly--
3) "TRAUMA" FOODS. This group BOTH overlaps with the previous two, AND contains its own unique items. But THESE are DEFINED by DIRECT EXPERIENTIAL ASSOCIATION WITH TRAUMATIC EVENTS, even if JUST ONE, that "TAINTED" it "ESSENTIALLY" despite later non-traumatic exposures? We're STRIVING to heal that NOW, but we're struggling because the ROOTS ARE DEEP & KNOTTED. These require MENTAL RECOVERY too.
4) "FEAR" FOODS. These are scary/ unsettling for reasons that DON'T involve PEOPLE? They're based on MEDICAL/ PHYSIOLOGICAL fears, typically born FROM ACTUAL DISTURBING/ UNSETTLING EXPERIENCES. These include NON-TRAUMA "allergy"/ "poison"/ "fatal"/ etc. fears, often "baseless" except for the "initiating event" itself. These are BIZARRELY HARD TO "GET OVER" because their roots are MENTAL & "UNREASONABLE" & BASED ON "THE UNKNOWN," claiming a "PERPETUAL RISK FACTOR" regardless of exposure: "NEXT time it MIGHT kill me." There's NO "PROOF". It requires a CHANGE in our CORE PERSPECTIVE/ MINDSET??? to "NOT FEAR DEATH," WHILE STILL BEING PRUDENT/ REASONABLE. THIS REQUIRES BOTH WISDOM AND TOTAL TRUSTING SURRENDER TO GOD'S LOVING WILL for us.

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I heard a LOT of negative food talk from patients today, & it's not the first time. "The sherbet looks so gross/ disgusting." "All this butter & mayonnaise is going to clog our arteries." "Why can't I just eat fruit & salad instead of hamburgers & hot dogs?" "I'm only eating toast without butter." "The food doesn't taste good, right?" etc. There's SO MUCH JUDGMENT of foods as "disgusting," "gross," "unhealthy," "BAD," etc. People flat-out taste a food, grimace, & throw the rest away. They refuse to try new options because they "sound gross." Et cetera. And I feel SO DEPRESSED over all this. I'm trying SO HARD to LIKE & APPRECIATE & EAT EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY the ones people say are "DISGUSTING." I DIDN'T choose the pot pie today because I thought it was "unappetizing" (because of HOME & BINGE ASSOCIATIONS, but STILL) and I can't stop beating myself up over it. BUT, although I "wanted" the "Grandma cookie" for snack, I chose the "sweet crackers" because NO ONE ELSE DID & "they were UNLOVED." BUT I'm STILL feeling "regret/ want" because the other option was "GRANDMA COOKIES" & I feel like I've BETRAYED HER. If they had simply said "chocolate chip cookies," I probably WOULDN'T have wanted them because the association is DIFFERENT & ANXIOUS (child binge punishment fear). BUT YOU SEE THE PROBLEM. THIS IS ANCIENT, but in light of recent entries IT MAKES SENSE NOW. It's PROJECTION. I IDENTIFY WITH THE FOOD. Negatively, "I AM A CONSUMABLE OBJECT"; Positively, "I AM MEANT FOR COMMUNION." And I see/hear that SYMBOLICALLY REFLECTED in the way that others, AND MYSELF, speak about/ treat FOOD. "I'M gross/ disgusting." = "I'M undesirable/ unwanted." "I'M going to hurt/ kill people if they take me into their life, because I'm "TOO MUCH" ("FAT")." "I'M distasteful." etc. "I'M NOT GOOD FOR PEOPLE." But WHY? What "MAKES" me & the food so "unhealthy & bad"? Bluntly, it's FAT & MEAT. Rich, heavy, "MANLY" food, weirdly enough. SO MANY PEOPLE act like UNLESS you're THIN/ LIGHT/ SLIM/ PETITE/ DELICATE/ MILD, etc. like FRESH FRUIT & PLAIN SALAD & RICE CAKES & FATFREE YOGURT & ALL the other stuff they MARKET TO WOMEN, YOU'RE UNPALATABLE, POISONOUS, GROSS, HARMFUL, UNHEALTHY. It's SUBTLE MISANDRY as much as it's GNOSTIC HERESY. It VILIFIES BOTH MASCULINITY AND THE HUMAN BODY... which, ACTUALLY, is ALSO BRUTAL MISOGYNY. Women are CREATED TO BE MOTHERS-- to be LIFEGIVERS. WOMEN WERE GRACED WITH THE STUNNING PRIVILEGE OF BECOMING FOOD FOR THEIR CHILDREN-- BECOMING EUCHARISTIC. Really, this DEMONIC WAR ON FOOD is a WAR AGAINST CHRIST & MANKIND, AND OUR MOTHER in a terribly specific way. So YEAH, "the insults against GOD fall on ME." I, by grace alone, am FINALLY ABLE TO SEE FOOD (AND GENDER) AS GOOD & HOLY, and so when I see/ hear OTHERS INSULTING/ CONDEMNING THOSE THINGS ESPECIALLY IN WAYS THAT IMPLY/ SUGGEST/ ACCUSE (BLASPHEME) that GOD has "MADE something BAD/ HARMFUL/ BROKEN/ WRONG," OR THAT HE HAS "MADE A MISTAKE," it ACTIVELY MAKES ME ANGRY, FROM HEARTACHE & CHARITY! I LOVE GOD AND HUMANITY and I WANT (NEED) TO DEFEND & DECLARE & UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF MAN, THE GOODNESS & PURPOSE OF CREATION, & THE LOVE/ JUSTICE/ GLORY OF GOD!!