prismaticbleed | Walking through the fog (Reply)

I don't usually update on dA anymore, but you know what, I could use some feedback and/or advice on this situation right about now.

For anyone who follows my online journals, you're probably aware that I've just returned to PA from a three-month stay in Salt Lake City. Although it went well, all things considered, I'm bothered because of the motivations behind the entire trip.
I flew out there to "escape" the feeling of entrapment I had here, and hopefully to find answers and relief to the inner turmoil I was experiencing. Unfortunately, both suffocating problems persisted throughout the trip, and actually worsened as time went on, much to my anguish. As a result I was all but forced to return to Pennsylvania last Saturday, but even then the problems did not ease.
I've been physically ill since I got off the plane and the symptoms keep piling up. On top of this psychological hell that won't be silenced, this is actually driving me to frustrated tears several times a day. I feel old and I am so tired from this already. I just feel stuck, and don't know how to heal this, at least not consciously, not with what I currently have at my disposal.

Since January, I've been haunted by a chronic, non-physical feeling of hunger and homesickness... feeling like an exile in a foreign country where I don't speak the language, and being starving/ malnourished no matter what I eat.
Initially it was vague and easily pushed under the rug. It became stronger as the months went on, however, and the incessant ache was driving me crazy. At the moment both feelings have become ravenously powerful and that alone makes me want to tear my eyes out. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I have no idea what to do about it. It feels like I'm being eaten alive and torn to pieces at the same time.

That's why I'm updating. Utah put me in "standby" and now that I'm back in PA, all that is exploding like a shaken soda bottle.
I haven't found a single person I can talk to about this yet, online or offline. I'm sick and tired of being either alone or critically misunderstood over the years. I'm not angry, just exhausted and scraped-out. It's like there's this huge metaphysical parasite living in my stomach, under my ribs, always gnawing at me. And then there's a magnet behind that, incessantly pulling me towards a place I cannot seem to find.
I apologize if this is old news to anyone, or if it sounds angsty or whiny. I need to get this off my chest, and maybe find some pointers. I don't know, I can't say I have any expectations at this point. I just want to say my piece to alleviate this a tiny bit, after this past week.

Don't worry, I'll feel better in a day or two. I just hope it stays this time.