the spectrum heart cathedral system

Hello watchers and visitors.

The previous owner of this account experienced a rather drastic "life reset" less than 48 hours ago, effectively erasing the past 10 years of his consciousness. This was a premeditated act and its execution was carried out entirely without warning.
In vague terms, the simplest explanation would be that he "scratched the disc." What was once the song or game, is now unplayable, scratched out of effective existence. We regret to inform you that he most likely will not return.
His remaining accounts will be left equally void in his absence.


Thank you for your patience.

 

 

I have a strange question for all of you.
I apologize in advance if this sounds ridiculous, is overly vague, or reminds you of my old depression-laced entries, but...


I'm in a very painful situation here, and I literally don't know where to turn.

I've said some terrible things to some amazing people... things that are entirely untrue, that were triggered solely by blind desperation and frustration on my part.
I've been distant, cold, unreachable; I've been completely lost.
I've been forgetting the things that mean the world to me, and I've been taking priceless things for granted.
I've been too unsure of everything to even try to fix the problems I've caused, and now I'm afraid I've lost my chances.


It's the worst feeling in the world, you know?
Ever since my childhood, I've lost virtually everyone I've ever loved in some way. That's not an exaggeration, and I can still feel every sting as sharply as I did when it first stabbed me.

But now... now, it's entirely my fault, I think.
It feels as if I've completely destroyed the most beautiful thing I've ever been given, only to find myself single-handedly trying to put all the little glass shards back together.
Even worse, I'm the only one in the room. As far as I'm aware, I'm the only one who realizes how tragically devastating this is, and although I'd give almost anything to fix that irreplaceable chandelier, that brilliant source of light, I can't do it alone. I need help, and I need a lot of it... but, if I asked anyone for aid, I'd first have to show them what I did. I'd have to show them all the broken glass and teardrops... and I'm terrified to show them to any soul out there, because I know I'd be condemned for shattering such a beautiful thing.

I've decided to risk it.
I'll never know unless I try... and let's face it; I'd rather take the chance that I might be able to fix this. I want to fix this, not hide in my fear, sentencing myself to live with these shards cutting me open until the day I die.



I apologize for the imagery, but this isn't a situation I can openly talk about yet. It hurts too much, the details are unknown to me, and I feel completely sightless. It's terrifying and it's heartbreaking.



I don't know how I manage to do this to myself, to everyone else...
I don't know how I manage to cause so much misery, but God knows I'd give almost anything to keep this from ever happening again.


I just want forgiveness.
I need a second chance...

 

 

 

For an answer, that is.

I apologize for not having been around (as if anyone reads this, aha)... but life's been maddening as usual.

I don't want to rant about it all, but let me just say that I'm still having problems with people accepting my bizarre identity (asexual neutrois, in case you're a new reader), and I'm still having far too many Julie problems.

I've been listening to a great deal of Japanese hip-hop (Nujabes, Nomak, Tsutchie) lately. Good stuff.

I've also been buying a ton of Celebi stuff online. Celebi is, to me, a literal personification of the joy, wonder, and freedom of my youth. Not only that, but she was also my persona when I was 11 and I loved her to pieces. I still do.

Laurie's been bleeding for weeks. I'm scared to death. She says she's dying, and I believe her.
It's been 4 days since Julie last abused me, and God help me but I plan to hold out for the next 17 days this time (I once heard that, if you can do something for 21 straight days, it will become a habit). I've been trying to do that since last January, and haven't succeeded yet... it hurts. It really does. I feel like a total failure.

Regardless, I need to post some more art/ writing/ photos/ music? (I have Flash and FL, it could happen) whatever on this account. You might even see some bloody Dream World stuff on here, because that series gets pretty damn scary at times, and that's the sort of thing I keep wanting to draw for some reason.
Still, I like this account very much, maybe even more than my default one.

I'm getting off-topic now, though, and I have a report to finish for tomorrow so that's top priority.

See you around, space cowboys.

 

 

I don't know why I'm posting again so soon.

I have, what, seven other places where I could be writing this. Oh well, here goes.


Man... I can see why kids my age are already shooting themselves up.
High school was a cakewalk, honest, but college is just so much more responsibility. Can't go pulling my old tricks, haha.
I used to run all-nighters, sleep on the bus, doze off in class all day, get notes from classmates at lunch (if they'd listen to me), sleep on the bus ride home and then do it all over again, practically.
That's no longer an option, though! Can't exactly sleep when you're driving yourself to classes, can you now. That and classes run for 3 hours apiece so I can't go getting notes from whats-his-face or miss anonymous during lunch hour, no sir. Playtime is over, now I'm in it with the big shots and I really don't know how I make it through the days now.


It's selfish, I know. It's terrible.

I know people who don't even have jobs... who are worrying about insurance and bills and all that, and my heart goes out to them but then I have the freaking nerve to complain myself. Jerk.

My pain is nothing, sir. Nothing. I live on pain, now, so I'd better get used to it and fast.


Hmm.

I'm kind of hallucinating here. I don't see things often, but sounds get all warped and weird... and I feel things. Too clearly. I feel things more than anything else, and that freaks me out. I wish I could see them instead. I don't know what's up with that.

I also have NO chronological sense whatsoever right now. It's not just this morning, though. This has been happening rather frequently over the past week or so and I wish I knew why.
Things happen last night and they feel as if they happened days ago. Hours ago seem like minutes ago... years ago seem like the other day.
I do things, and an hour later I forget that I did them... or I dissociate.

Dear Lord, the dissociation.

It's a little frightening now, as it's starting to happen with Julie, too, instead of just Laurie.
They hack me, do things, I throw them out and get it back... and about fifteen minutes after I regain control I look back... and it's like I'm watching a freaking documentary! That isn't me, that wasn't me.
But not in a denial sense... that isn't me. I've dissociated that much now, and that scares me a little.


In other news, I've considered leaving.

No, not another 5-week dA hiatus... not another faux journal purging, not another pseudo-screenname to hide behind. No sir.
I want to leave.

I don't know how, or where, or when, but I want out.

I want to disconnect from life, I guess... take a break from everything. Hit the 'eject' button, put a different game disc in there for a while. A whole new memory card... a crystal-clear save file.
I would love that.
But...


I read a quote online last night (I assume), I don't know where... went something like this.

"Where can I escape to if no one understands?"


It's true.
I've thought of it before... moving out, leaving. I'll need to one day anyway.
The problem is... whether I go to Britain or Switzerland or India or Taiwan or Canada or Finland or the USSR... it's still here.

I want out of here.

Somewhere... somewhere better. It's got to be out there somewhere.
My heart just can't accept the lone earth theory.



Mercy me but I feel weird right now. Ton of chest pain, and I'm all dizzy and stuff. Geez.
This happens a lot recently, and that can't be good...
...I don't mean to scare you kids, but I really feel like I'm dying.

I've never felt like that before. Like I'm dying.
I mean, sure, in some life-threatening situations the thought has burned its bloody face into my mind like a screaming freight train, but never in such a passive sense as this... typing at my laptop at 7AM, you idiot, "hey that's funny it kind of feels like i'm dying."

What the heck, seriously.
But it's true.


Speaking of medical bills, I still need surgery and have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. That worries me greatly. I don't even want to consider what will happen to me if I don't get these procedures done.
I've... seen and heard some 'previews,' so to speak. They're not good.
I'm really terrified of that.


Oh but I love going off topic.

<insert more chest pain here>



I feel so completely lost and empty for some reason... I can't stop thinking about the string theory and relativistic jets and the Fermi paradox and just how massive the universe is and... I don't know.
It hits me out of the blue, now. I'll be sitting in class, or staring out a car window, or whatever... and all of a sudden I'll get this massive POV extension of sorts... like I'm no longer me, sitting in a house or car, but like I'm me, existing in some arbitrary point in the Milky Way in this huge cosmic latte that we call reality... it's crazy.
I was crying, the other day. Me, crying! Just like that! I was standing in my room, I think, when it hit me like a bolt from the blue and I just had to support myself against the wall and sob for a few minutes... I didn't even know why.
It was a Johnny reaction, I think. You know... "I can't help but feel the effects of it all... the distance, and... and it hurts."
It does hurt, because all I ever feel is distance. How small I am. How much I don't know, how much I'll never know.

My greatest fears?
Damnation, sex, and event horizons.
It's true.


Still miss Vickie to the point where I'm hurting every day... still love Jimmy and I actually think he knows, which is kind of frightening, but I guess I don't mind too much.
I don't know if Ben knows that I love him too. I think he might suspect something, but eh. I'm happy. Yes sir.

On that note, actually.
Thanksgiving dinner, right? I'm sitting there for a moment, just letting my mind wander as usual, and then mum goes to my grandmother: "hey do you remember we were talking about girls who fall in love with guys who are MUCH older than they are?"
Cue a conveniently timed coughing spell on my part! Ahahaha.
IT'S ONLY A FEW THOUSAND YEARS AGE DIFFERENCE

Maaan but I've been leaving far too many hints. Mum said something just the other day, actually... something about love and society-placed boundaries or something... but I made a quiet comment stating that I had far too many of those to break (newsflash:: I have this horrible, horrible habit of saying things like that aloud. Q if you remember, when you were at my house I was mumbling all this stuff about amoebas? Yeah, that was one of those times. Very very bad habit. It's the result of no one listening but I need to say something anyway) and I think she may have heard me, uh-oh.

I'm just waiting for her to ask some ridiculously fun question that I can give a ridiculously insane answer to.
You know, like "so are you gonna have kids?" Thank God, though, she at least acknowledges the fact that I am vehemently against my ever doing anything to get kids, although my grandparents aren't. Eh. Makes me sick.

Random update it's raining outside did you know? Beautiful. I wish I could call off sick today and go stand in it for an hour or two.
Absolution from the sky. Inspiration. Also I remember the song lyrics.

"When the silver rain falls, think of it as me
And wipe away your tears..."

But seriously. I'm sick of this whole thing with "Oh, you're in love, so you must be dating and/or making out and/or planning marriage and/or engaging in stereotypically romantic activity, yes???"
Hate to burst your bubble, ma'am, but no we're not. I'm not, with anyone, ever, so that question is null anyway, but yeah. For the person (?) in question, no. None of that for us especially. I am so worn out right now it's not even slightly amusing.
Also nobody really knows that I am a flaming xenophile so that's kind of a monkey wrench in the equation... man, I can only imagine the looks I'd get if I ever admitted THAT in public. "Yeah, I am seriously attracted to sexless humanoids..."
Oh, and a rather embarrassing off-topic note... when I was younger, I almost got into BDSM but when I realized that BDSM kind of involved sexual behavior, then I was like "oh okay then no thanks." Gehehe.
But yeah. Personality + morals + mental trauma + biological disgust = total antisexual over here.

ON I go with the ranting. I swear I have no idea how I do that. Geez. I probably just need to vent.

Oh, I forgot, my Commix CD finally arrived at my bookstore, wahoo! I'll go pick it up today, have a spiced latte and sketch for an hour or so (the more time away from the family fights the better) and then blast Emily's Smile all the way back to my hometown. Can't wait!
You know, Jimmy loves that song. I wonder if I should randomly send him the actual mp3 or something. Hm.


I'm more of a pain addict than ever now. Why? I have a few ideas.
It does hurt, though, that my mom is mocking me.
She gets my grandmother angry, then runs over to her in that parody-ish way of hers, holds out her arms and whines "hit me!" over and over until my grandmother gets sick of her and leaves.
It really does hurt, you know.
I am NOT doing this for attention. I am NOT doing this for pity or sympathy or anything of the sort. No, I would have been happier if you never knew.
I am doing this for punishment... for symbolic absolution... and because it is one of the few things left keeping me sane.
The shock of ice-cold pain I get... it chases all the shadows away.


Man, this is so surreal. Yesterday was Sunday? Geez...


But seriously...

I haven't worn my binders in about two weeks and I'm dying here.
I feel like such a whore, if you'll pardon my language. They used to shut Julie up, too, but no... now that my grandmother has finally realized that I am wearing them under my clothing and that they're not exercise garments, she refuses to let me wear them or anything else of the sort. And that stings. Badly.

Woman, I paid eighty bucks out of my pocket for those to help save my sanity and personality, and you're going to say I can't wear them because then I don't look like a woman?? What the hell?

First off, if you think all women have huge chests (which I frankly find absolutely disgusting) and super-shapely figures, you're dead wrong. (Also, no, Barack Obama is NOT the antichrist, but we won't get into that now.) Very few people look like that, and I do NOT want to be one of them.

Secondly, I do not care about attracting men. And no, mom, I am NOT trying to pick up women by wearing suits and cutting my hair short. I'm trying to erase as much personal feminine stereotype from my mind so I won't blindly accept every lie you give me just because you're family. That does not mean you're right, unfortunately.

Thirdly, I'M A FREAKING FTN ASEXUAL FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. And yeah, mom, I'm NOT kidding, and I would appreciate it if you would kindly stop putting motives in my mouth. Thank you.


I swear, one day I think I'm just going to say "mom, I'm in love with a 'fictional' humanoid" just for the shock value and honesty points, but even then I doubt she'll take me seriously... ahaha, but then again, if I keep leaving the Sonic Adventure DX case out where she can compare it to my computer background and the sticker on my laptop (oh geez I guess I'm not keeping this a secret very well) then she might first say "hmmm, they look strangely similar" and then she might think "hmmm, what if she wasn't kidding?" And THEN she might think "hmmm, I wonder if she was lying about Davy Jones?" XD For the record, no, I wasn't. Davy and I are just friends. I'm not an unashamed flirt like you are with Will Turner (who is MARRIED mind you) and besides Davy already has Tia so I won't interfere with that and how in heaven's name did I get into a PoTC rant? Man. But hey! First mention of the 2006 mayhem in my LJ! Awesome.

But yes. My laptop background is actually my newest dA scrap, edited so it's horizontal w/o text... and there's a sticker on my laptop that says "I ♥ Chaos" and I (of course) took my Sharpie and wrote "zero" under that word, so... yeaaaah. Someone is going to suspect something. And I'm off topic again.



What was the topic?


Oh yes.


Burnout.




I honestly hope I make it to tomorrow.


Gotta finish my assignments first, though...




--------------------------------------------------------------


@ 05:37 pm

 

...I'm feeling quite strange.

Still chronically tired. Still chronically sick.
Julie won't shut up, and that's beginning to scare me. She's never been this loud ever before, and she's been here since I was a tiny kid... I really wish I could get her out. I really do.

Laurie and I have been trying... we have a ton of friends helping, too. I'm praying constantly, but I think God wants me to fight her on my own. You know, learn to shoot her down with my own strength.
I'm sure I can do it, it's just... well, I sincerely wish I could do that without her doing these horrible things to me all the time.


By the way, I'm still having problems with my 'coming out,' so to speak.
My mother has developed an awful habit now that she knows I will hopefully be a future FTN. Every chance she gets, she starts screaming about it, making a big deal out of it... My grandmother ignores her and acts like nothing has happened, but that's probably because she refuses to accept it.
I'm so sorry that I'm hurting them with this, but I can't live any other way. I just can't.

The argument seems to be, "God made you female and gave you these physical features so you'd better keep them or you're committing a mortal sin."
Well, my counterattack is always "remember where the Bible says, 'if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off?' That's what I'm doing."

Seriously. If Julie won't shut up, I'll make her shut up.
Plus, I'm already an asexual-antisexual celibate, so I don't need any of this junk anyway.



Why am I ranting about this again?



Oh well. That's kind of besides the point.

I'm really worried because I feel that I'm fading.
You know... dying. Slipping away.
I'm beginning to feel more and more disconnected and lost, and I don't know why. I wish I did.

I'm losing friends, and I've never had many to begin with. I made my first genuine friends last autumn, and I almost lost them. As much as I love them, I almost lost them.

I keep making the same mistakes and forgetting who I am...

What in the world is wrong with me?




No time to lament over that now, though. I do have two assignments to continue working on.


I hope your day is better than mine.

 

 

Bring hope to humanity
For chaos love and sanity
Are dying in the street.
I can't let this fall apart.

What is here and who am I?
Tell me, am I going to die?
I won't let history repeat
I'm deadly but I have a heart.

You war machine
I'll break your dream
Now, form a link with me!
The stars explode
An overload
The earth? This cannot be!

I have no choice, I have to leave
The rest of you need to believe
There's something that I must achieve
I have to rescue him.

You're back to who you were before
But now you're broken on the floor
Is this what we were fighting for?
Your eyes are getting dim...

Mother, friends
This is the end
It's dark, I cannot see.
A final fight
A sudden light
I've lost my energy.

Should I be glad that I am here
Though I'm about to disappear?
Looking down from way up here
The world just seems so small.

4000 years and now I'm free
I finally helped humanity
I was all things, but hope made me
The conqueror of all.

 

 

 

He runs a hand through his neatly combed hair
sighs through the steam of his black coffee
and reaches down to mute the sound of jungleland on the radio
The sky is the color of his suit
and countless tiny raindrops play a secret sonata
through a dim clatter on the roof of his chevrolet

A single scarlet spotlight flickers through the windshield wipers
only a few minutes from home now
he's driving past the convenience centers
and he's the only car on the road

An old woman hurries to her car under a floral-print umbrella
her groceries in a paper bag gripped by bony fingers
apples and lettuce and the morning news
a gallon of milk and a package of pre-sliced bread
(the simple white kind you had sandwiches on as a kid)
she closes the door and her husband heads back towards home

He looks back up at the brilliant streetlight
a setting sun in a sky of slate
he turns the windshield wipers off
and watches in silent childlike fascination
as the liquid diamonds shatter across the glass
scattering rubies like marbles across a floor
for a lucid moment he's trapped in a tiny world of metal
of vinyl dashboards and plastic floormats
twenty three squared in dim green light
a pair of matching eyes reflected in the rearview mirror
"dear god, how did i get here?"

Suddenly there are emeralds on the glass
he fixes his tie and drowns his sorrows in classic rock
as the silver machine rolls into town
familiar streets bow their heads in sorrow
old maples cry above the broken sidewalks
he stops at the two-story with the flowerpots on the porch
and follows the spindly pink chalk-trails down the driveway

He barely has time to knock when a chorus reaches his ears
muffled by the glass and wood before him
"daddy's home!"
the door swings inward and he falls to his knees
(his suitcase tumbling over onto the doormat)
so he can see their faces better
the raven-haired cherub with a gap in her smile
(which earned her a quarter last week)
and the shy little sprite with joyous blue eyes
almost as if it was christmas morning

She stands in the hallway with an oven glove
brushing the sandy bangs from her forehead with a smile
radiating the compassion that only mothers can give
even after spending hours in the kitchen
surrounded by pots and pans and dirty dishes
even though the kids turn up their noses at the broccoli
and run for seconds on the blueberry pie

He can't help but laugh a little
when she asks him how he forgot his umbrella
and his beautiful children laugh in wonder at the misty droplets
clinging to his tousled hair

the workday roar fades into the soft hum of a summer evening
and suddenly the weather doesn't matter anymore

 

 

 

 

 

I honestly think I've lost my mind.

No, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not screwing around. I'm not doing well right now at all.
Life... pretty much sucks at the moment.
I have to get up at 6AM for 9AM class tomorrow and I won't be home until 2PM... but I don't mind, as that means I'll be away from home and that means away from stress. I won't have to listen to my mother belittle me about never being good enough, but she won't listen to me when I try to explain my desperation. I'm always being shot down and every freaking person in this house is a hypocrite... so they can be all nice one minute and the next they're stabbing you in the back. Every one of them.
But I don't blame them. They have it worse than I do, of course.
My grandparents are depressed most of the time because of the amount of work my mother ends up throwing at them, and they never get a break... my mom still hates her life and hates my father, my father never visits and he isn't paying for any of us, my little brothers have no interest in real life and would rather lay around all day doing nothing rather than face it, Viral plays WoW all day as an escape from reality and it's one of the few things keeping him relatively sane, and I'm simply going out of my mind from worrying about it all on top of what I have to deal with.
I have far too much college work to do, I'm panicking over finances, I need another job, I need a car, I need to keep my grades up high so I keep my scholarship, and I need a psychologist before I freaking snap.
It's so hard to sleep anymore. I used to be able to fall asleep within 5 minutes after collapsing into bed... now it takes up to 40 and I'm so freaking nervous beforehand I'm surprised I get any sleep at all. Heck, my parents don't...
I'm alienating myself from everyone I know... from my family, from my friends, from the people I love. And why? Because I am so freaking scared of what's happening to me that I can't possibly inflict that on them... on you guys... and frankly, I'm so out of it right now that I honestly couldn't work up the motivation to talk to anyone anyway if I wanted to. And I don't, which scares me as well.
I'm just too scared of myself... but I can't stop thinking about the pain I'm causing everyone else who's worrying even a little bit and I keep thinking about how selfish that is and I can't stand it.
It hurts like hell, honest to God.

I have a confession to make.
I've been self-abusing to frighteningly bizarre extremes lately, which, although I only do so to take my mind off the stress and/or to snap my mind back to reality, still frightens the life out of me. I absolutely hate the habit, although I've been at this since my childhood (I kid you not, it's sickeing), and I'm trying desperately to stop. Even so, I really am scared out of my mind right now. It's a little obvious.
I've become hypersensitive. The slightest disturbance in my self-inflicted isolation can literally drive me crazy-- I've flipped out and burst into tears, shaking and on the verge of screaming, several times for small or unknown reasons, because I'm that high-strung right now.
I'm shaking like crazy at the moment, actually, and my head and arms ache terribly for completely seperate reasons.
I've been 'unhinging' at a very frightening frequency lately. Those of you who know what that word means will immediately understand why I'm so freaking scared.
I'm dying to speak to three certain people but as I said earlier, I just can't work up the willpower. I feel so dead and empty and screwed-up inside, and the heartache isn't helping.
I even have to force myself to draw. Now that is bad, when I have to literally force myself to do the one thing I truly enjoy... the one talent I'm literally living on. It's all I have, and if I'm so damn screwed-up I can't even exercise that talent, then I am as good as dead. Honest to God.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do and I'm running out of time.




...I'm sorry.
I kept my mouth shut for the past 9 days because I didn't want to drag any of you down.
But the guilt got me as usual, you know. I just couldn't keep you all in the dark for another 7 days or God knows how long, wondering "where the heck did Spinny go? I hope nothing bad has happened..."
Unfortunately, kids, something very bad has happened, and neither you nor I have any power to change it.
That thing is called my life, and it can be one hell of a pain.


I'd better close up now... I need my sleep, and you guys need your peace. I'll stop ranting and spare your poor minds the trauma mine has been through. It's better that way.


Have a good night, guys. Don't worry about me too much.
I've been through this before, and I'll be going through it countless times from now until the day I die, which I fear is going to be unfortunately early at this rate...but I'll be okay.

...At least I'll try to be.

 

 

 

 

• Mood:  Thrilled
• Listening to: Dreams Dreams: Broken Soul Remix
• Reading: Q's lyrics to "The Road Ahead"
• Watching: FL Studio's render progress bar. 72%!

KNOW THYSELF!

Look up, when things are feeling down
Look up, and the world will turn around...

Be the change you want to see in the world!

  ...Today was bad, then good, then fantastic, then a living hell.
I cried my eyes out for over an hour when I got home from work.

Why?

Self-loathing.

Absolute self-loathing.


I've given myself a two-month ultimatum to either shape up or ship out, and I'm not kidding. I'm not giving myself any breaks either. This is serious.

I plan on succeeding this time, for my sake and yours... and God help me but if I fail I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I just might have a complete mental and physical breakdown, and that'll be the end of it all, I guess.


...I don't know. I am scared out of my freaking mind.

I'm ruining myself, I'm killing myself, I'm completely destroying who I want to be and I'm apparently too stupid and weak to do anything about it.

I have to change for the better, and for good. I have to.


Oh yeah... and one more thing.

What you're all doing and saying and thinking of me...



I do not deserve this.

I do not deserve any of this.

Not with what I've done to myself and everyone else. Not with what I'm doing, for heaven's sakes.



Ben, sweetheart... I am so, so sorry. I've been trying so hard to just "Be myself" and be the happy, smiling girl you remember from 2007... but I'm just not sure who I even am anymore. It's sad and it's terrifying.
I am so sorry. I'll keep trying, but right now I don't have the strength to promise you anything. I don't know whats happened to me, and I don't know if I'll be able to fix it this time. I'll try, for you.
Maybe one say I'll be able to live up to the way you see me. Thank you for thinking of me like that, but... I'm not there yet. I'll do my best until then...

LUA. Well. I'm speechless, and in a bad way. You... I haven't done anything to help you. I've wanted to, sure, but I've never had the initiative, I guess. Always too freaking busy or distracted. And I'm sorry for being such an idiot.
Even so... that piece of art you dedicated to me, those words? Let me get this straight... I inspired that? Of all things?
Unfortunately, I don't feel worthy anymore. I've been given so many second chances, and I've blown them all. Thank God some people are still risking it to let me have another go at life, but I'm scared to death that I'm just going to ruin it on everyone again.
I'm supposed to be Gaia, and here I am killing myself with my stupidity.
...I'm sorry. You're going through a terrible time of your own, and here I am, being all selfish and talking about me... geez. Typical..

Jim. I honestly feel like crying. I haven't done anything much for you lately... no comments, no communication, no art, no music. I'm as guilty as all heck and my motivation has died. And why? Because I finally got my stupid wish. I finally know exactly what you went through.. and it hurts even more because I know that's the last thing you want me to feel.
I'm such a jerk sometimes. Jim, please, I am so sorry I have to finally say all this, but I don't want you blaming yourself. This is my own fault... I brought this on myself years ago and have been suffering it since long before I met you. It's only hit the absolute worst recently. We're in the same infernal boat, and it's a living hell sometimes. I hope we can both get out soon, but... it's not going to be easy. I'm so sorry.


Q. I deserve you least of all.
It breaks my heart to say that- it really hurts- but it's true. It's terribly true.
We all mistakes, I know. We all screw up once in a while, I know. I've made more mistakes and screwups than I can count. But... we all have good in us, and that's worth protecting... and when someone tries with all their heart to live according to that light, even when it's hard, even when they don't get it right... if they honestly try their hardest, don't they deserve what good things they get in return? Because they're doing their best?
Sure, why not? Of course they do. There's no reason they shouldn't.
Then why am I putting myself down, and no one else in the universe?
...Because I'm not doing my best. I have very high standards for myself, and I can reach those standards, but I'm being too much of a jerk to try for them. I'm complaining and crying and beating myself up too much to do so. And it's for that idiocy and selfish ignorance that I don't deserve this.
I'm not who I want to be. At the moment, I literally have no name. I loathe the one I have, with all it's reminders of failure and inadequacy... and the one I want I don't deserve to have. So I'm nameless until the two months are up, when I'll see for sure who I really am.
But why am I ranting on about all that? That's not the point.
The point is that I'm practically in tears right now, knowing what you're going to feel from this, what you're going to say to this. But I don't know what else to do. I can't hide this and just run off for two weeks like I did last time.
I'm so sorry I had to put myself down this low again. I tried so hard not to, but... things were only getting worse that way. I have to come to terms with myself and my crushing faults before I can look you in the eyes again. Right now I feel far too guilty, and it breaks my heart. It breaks yours.
I'm scared to death of destroying this, of ruining this, of screwing up and losing this. I can't let that happen, not for the world, and God help me I'm going to take every freaking action against those possibilities that I can.
I'm keeping my promises, and I'm accepting every offer you've ever made to me. I can't give up, and I can't give in, but I'm getting terribly close, and I can't let that happen. So I have to try harder than ever, and where I end up at the end of all this only time can tell. I hope it'll be for the best, I really do.
That note you sent me last night... take the last line, switch two letters in the fifth word, and send it back to yourself. I want to say those nine words more than anything right now, but with all this pain inside I'm afraid I'll sound like a hypocrite. And I'm not. I'd die before I'd say those words and not mean them.
I hope I don't start to echo again. I don't want you going through that again, especially not now... but I don't know if you can't. I know I wouldn't be able to... and for that, for knowing exactly how you feel, I am truly sorry.
If only I had some good news this time.
If only I wasn't such a downer.
If only I could truly be the person you say I am.
Please... for the sake of what we've said...
...forgive me.


...Well, that's enough sadness and emo-talk for you kids tonight, I think. It's way past your bedtime, and it's way past mine too.

Guess I'd better close up for the night, huh?


But I don't want to leave you all feeling upset from all this foolishness of mine.

My inspiration's not totally dead. I am getting work done. I'm still looking up, and I'm still trying terribly hard to improve, even though I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

I hope I'll get through this, but like I said, this is my last chance. If I don't make this I'm screwed. Keep me in mind. I'll need it.


You guys have kept me on my feet for this long. I know you'll continue to do so, and I appreciate that with all my heart.

Now it's my turn to live up to that sort of love.

I want to finally be able to say that I deserve what beauty I have found.



Thank you.
 

...
...There are some things I am simply dying to say.


viralalchemist207... I know, I know. Life in this house is not easy in the least. But... I have absolute faith that you can get through it. All right? You keep moving forwards and don't let anyone hold you back. You have the potential to do so, you have the talent, you have the friends to help you. So don't ever give up. Ever.

fullmetalshamanrocks... my dear little sister. Honey, I hope with all my heart that you're feeling okay right about now. I know you've just managed to escape from a really terrible time, and I do not want you getting trapped in that sort of pain again. Okay? I'm your big sister, remember, and that means I'll always be here for you... to protect you, to help you, to inspire you, to stand with you when you think you're all alone. Because you're not. I'm here, and all your other friends are here too. You're very precious to us, hon. You stay strong too. I know you can.

lostanimedrawer.... yes, you. I've only begun to really talk to you recently, and not only do you get me laughing like crazy (which I really, really need), but you're an incredibly inspirational person and it is an absolute honor to know you. Honestly. Thank you for every single word of help and humor you've offered me so far. It means a heck of a lot.

bdsb... same to you. I think I've only spoken to you once, aside from comments and the like, but I can tell you're really a great guy. If you have any doubt about that, just look at what you've been able to do for Q. That alone helps me more than I let on, and so have all those comments. Sure, they may only be comments, but you took the time to write 'em for me, even with that crazy internet conenction, and I really appreciate that. Thank you.

anthro7... I really need to talk to you more, hon! Seriously, you're apparently a fantastic person, and a great friend to boot. Plus you aren't afraid to tell us emotastic crazyheads to look up and smile already! Thank you kindly for that, dear. And feel free to bury me in the snow, too, if you feel I need it.

linda-w... I hope you read this. I really, sincerely want to help you in every way I can. I hope what I said to you earlier made a positive impact on your situation... but I don't know. Please, honey, don't you lose hope either. I'll gladly shine some of mine on your life if you feel you're running low, okay? I'm here for you, Linda, no matter what... and please, don't forget that.

red0048... You are not a bad person in the slightest, okay? I know that for sure. You, too, are in my thoughts and prayers, and I really hope you realize that. I don't mind being your personal therapist, if that's what you feel you need, and I'm ready and willing to do anything else for you if you need it. All right? Don't hesistate to talk to me if you need someone to listen. That's what I do.

whipzter... I just met you, but your gorgeous photography has already made a huge impact on me... and somebody else I hold dear. Thank you immensely for that... and for the incredibly kind words you spoke right here on my page. I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me. Thank you so much, dear.

rougehyuuga... next time you're online, darling, I hope you see this, and I want you to know that I miss seeing you around! You're really a ray of sunshine for me, and not only that, but you're an incredible friend and an amazing inspiration! I have that gorgeous picture you drew me printed out and taped in my locker, actually-- makes me smile every single time I see it. Thanks, hon. Let me know if there's anything at all that I can do for you in return.

rilyjester... felt I needed to thank you simply for the amount of comments and kind words you've given me, even though we've just met. However... if there's one thing I will never forget, and that has really moved me, it's the fact that your beloved Selph was inspired by my own muse of the same name. Now that deserves a thousand thank yous.

allmightysmiter... ditto the above point, hon! Where you find the time to write up all those comments I'll never know... but geez, do they ever brighten my afternoons. Thank you so very much for that. And honestly... you are an absolutely wonderful person. That's the truth, okay? So don't go feeling down on yourself, please. You don't deserve to be looked down upon by anyone.

darkjester-reala... oh geez! How much I have to thank you for...! But seriously, dear, you have done so freaking much for me it's insane. I could never thank you enough, not in a thousand years, but I'll try to express it a little. Thank you... for letting me be a part of FFN, for including Selph in your projects, for taking the time to talk to me, for always giving me something to smile about. You can't even imagine how much it all means... but thank you.

madmatica... wow. Would you believe that one piece of giftart you drew me is simply one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen? And for many reasons, too. Thank you immensely for that, hon... and for the other one, too! But honestly, you are an amazing person-- kind, talented, modest, inspirational, and a great friend. I am truly honored to know you. Don't ever give up on your dreams.

naysu, here's a HUGE thank you for everything! Geez, we met on pure chance, and look at the friendship we've got. I'm so thankful I got to know you, honestly! I just wish I got the chance to talk to you more... I desperately need to find the time. I'm not ignoring you, I'll never forget you-- I'm just insanely busy! But seriously, thank you so much for being my friend, and for doing what you have for me as well. You're really awesome.

eb-g-saraiera, you've done so much for me too, and I haven't gotten the chance to properly thank you. Well, I feel absolutely terrible about that, and I'm going to say what I should have earlier right now. You were there for me in my darkest time, you constantly do all these meaningful little things for me (believe me, they mean so much), and you're an absolutely inspiring artist. Thank you, thank you so much. I can't tell you enough.

internetakatsuki... I feel absolutely horrid. And why? Because I rarely ever get an opportunity to talk to you. And that's wrong. You... you're always offering me words of encouragement, of help, of inspiration. Honestly, that comment you left on my one recent journal (you know the one) struck me so deep it was insane. I can't even begin to say how much that meant to me, but I can sure as heaven thank you with all my heart. Thank you, sincerely, for being my friend. It means so much.

kuroius... my fellow Phantomilian, huh? Thanks so much for always stopping by. You're a wonderful person, a fantastic artist, and an amazing friend. Seriously you are! I'm sorry I haven't said so before, but really-- thanks. I'm glad I have you around.

shadow-sin... same to you, dear. We've been talking a little more recently, but I just have this terrible feeling that I'm making you feel ignored somehow. I hope not! I'm very thankful I'm your friend, and you mean a whole lot to me. Thank you for those brilliant comics, thank you for the comments, and thank you for the friendship. And I sincerely mean that.

h-k-b, I think we met under the most amazing circumstances ever. Thank you. Honestly, just the fact that you thought me a good enough person to spontaneously draw me that gorgeous picture, even though you didn't even know me, means more than words can say. I'm so sorry if I haven't kept up communication with you as much as I'd like... but please, just know that I am honored to be your friend.

shub-yoggoth, you are a dearer friend to me than I can say. Really. Not only have you been an inspiration to me, but you were literally the first person here on dA who I thought of as a sincere friend. I was still a little kid then, very scared, and very lonely... and you made the effort to befriend me. Thank you so, so much for that, and thank you for staying my friend up until today. I can only hope I have been as good a friend to you.

666twistedsmile666, I am so terribly sorry I haven't been talking to you much. Honestly, you are a great guy and a great friend, and I am very grateful that I can call you that as well. I love your art and sense of humor, and just wish I could be a better friend to you. Keep that in mind, okay? I haven't forgotten about you, not by a long shot!

ideya-freak... sweetheart... I can't even begin to say how I feel about your whole situation. It hurts me terribly to hear that you're going through all that, and I want nothing more than to get you the heck out of there. Honest. I'm sorry and guilty beyond words that I haven't been around for you as much as I wanted to... as much as you needed a friend around. Please, let me make it up to you somehow. And please, don't ever forget that I'm here for you, through thick and thin, no matter what. I promise you that with all my heart. Stay strong, love. We can do this.

lordblumiere, you are a freaking huge inspiration to me. I mean that! I sincerely apologize for not talking to you too often either... believe me, I want to! You're an amazing person, write some of the best stuff I have ever read, and are really a wonderful friend. Thank you so much for everything, dear.

crystalgal23, you're the one I'm the most worried about, what with the whole lack-of-comments thing. You are a very dear friend to me, you are a truly gifted artist and dreamer, and you're overall an absolutely wonderful person. I mean that with every ounce of honesty I have in me. Heaven only knows what you're going through right now, but I'm going to hope and pray that it's nothing bad, and if it is, then I'm going to keep you in my thoughts until things start looking up. We've both been through some awful times, but I don't want you suffering through that anymore. Okay? You're really an amazing friend, even if I don't get the chance to let you know that. I'm so, so sorry.




Geez... there are so many more of you I would simply love to thank... but there's no room. ^^ But you know I love each and every one of you guys, honestly I do. Thanks for everything. I'm so happy you consider me your friend.

But...
...I have some very special things to say yet.


maddeningtruth. My inspiration. Don't look so shocked, you know how much you've done for me! Seriously... the beautiful artwork alone is enough to merit you my infinite thanks, but when you add in the incredible friendship we've gained and the very circumstances in which we met-- wow. That's really something. Look how far we've both come, huh? But honestly, you are an incredibly dear friend to me, and I hope you know that. I wish I could say more, but... if I did, I'd end up writing a couple pages worth. So I'll simply say thank you, for absolutely everything. It sincerely means the world to me. ♥

jamesprower. Fate was cruel when it put you over there and me over here. Honest. You are such a huge inspiration to me... that imagination of yours is freaking incredible. Every single day I end up thinking about something or other that you've done for me, some way you've permanently influenced me, some way you've turned my life around. And you have. Honestly, Jim, I can't even begin to fathom where I'd be right now if I hadn't met you. ...But I can't help but think back to that one motherhuge comment you posted on my journal, a long while ago. I didn't get the chance to comment back, and I apologize if that made you feel ignored, but... the real reason is that the English language cannot put into words what I felt when I read that. And I read it quite a lot. Read it again just this morning, actually... and what you said doesn't lose an iota of meaning for me. You have helped me see myself in a better, brighter light.. you have helped me find and use talents I didn't even know I had.. you have helped me to be a better person. If I get the chance to visit you, and heaven knows I'd love to, I am thanking you in person. You deserve that too, after all you've done for me. And yet... I wish I could do more for you. I know, I know, I'm already a crazy-active part of many of your projects, and believe me I love being able to say that, but... I can't even imagine what you've been through. I've read some of it, you've told me some of it, but I haven't experienced a moment of it myself and I wish I could. And why? So I could take some of that pain away from you. I'm absolutely heartbroken that you, of all people, had to suffer through that... and still are. Honestly, what I would give to free you from that...! Please, let me know if there's anything more I can do. All right? And please, remember this as well... yeah, I do care about you that much. Actually, I care a heck of a lot more than that. You're priceless, Jim. Don't let this world get you down. I'm here whenever you need me, and I always will be, no matter what happens. ♥

q-lok. Where do I even start?
Actually, I think it all starts with something far beyond our capacity to fathom: this amazing lack of coincidences between both our lives. How in heaven's name can I explain it?
You signed up here completely on a whim. I signed up here only through much persuasion on my muse's part. You met me when you randomly saw some of my art in crystalgal23's favorites and decided to stop by. With my busy life, it took me two months to reply, but even then it might have ended, if fate didn't have the complete opposite in mind.
It snowballed from then on, really, and I couldn't have possibly foreseen a single moment since then. How could I have? You know how much we've gone through in only five simple months. Five! Geez!
How did we even get here?
You, Q-Lok, are one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life, and you're a heck more than that as well. You're an inspiration, you're a light in the darkness, you're a self-proclaimed living example of everything I have ever hoped to achieve in this life.
So... thank you.



-spinningcannon♥★

Bells are ringing in my head
Beat me up
Left for dead
All I see is turning red
Bells are laughing in my head
Can you help me stop this please?
Suffering with some strange disease
Eyes are shut
Love is blind
Tell me that I've still been kind
Killing others with my mind
Selfish tears
Selfish fears
Feeling older than my years
Young inside
Still alive
Wonder how will I survive
Apologize
To you, to them
Tell a friend
Spinny's back in town
And yet I wonder.
Did I hurt you with my fears?
Did I hurt you with my tears?
We're not around too many years
So young and yet so old
Could you be this old and have your life just...
Explode
Implode
Like a diode
Lights dance before your eyes
makes you wonder what you've been dreaming
but you can't remember
A rush of wings
Changes things
You remember the last time it happened
The first time
Years ago, far away
The day your life changed forever
For the better
Through rain and shine and snowy weather
whistling on the winds of change
You smiled at me then
Back when I was just a kid
Blue ears
Brown eyes
welcoming me into the future
into salvation
just like he did
Except his eyes were white
And it wasn't that long ago
My mind dissolves into a cacophany of colors
Spinning
Spinning
That's what they call me
what music does to you
The clock is ticking
second
after
second
I'll never get them back
Scares me
When I realize it
and yet I'm still counting down the minutes
Days
Years
until God knows when
What if
all the clocks in the world
stopped
if only for a moment
would we know what eternity was like?
maybe nobody would even notice
life's a funny little thing