Impulse: Heart of Glass

[prismaticbleed]

I'm sorry.
                             How many times have I said that?
                                                                                       Far too many, it seems

And yet
In my heart
There's still so much I have to apologize for.

                                                                                           Or do I?

You say there isn't


                                    You say I don't owe you anything
                                You say we're on exactly the same level

                                                 And I believe you.
                                                    Honestly I do.

                              I believed those words with all my heart

But...
           I guess I've already been hardwired
                                Over the past eighteen years
                                                       To accept these pains as my fault
                                                                                  Even when they're not

                                                                 Just so the blame goes somewhere
                                                          Just so the fights stop
                                             Just so the damage heals
                                    Just so the tears dry
Because I don't want anyone to suffer like that
                                                              Because of such a misunderstanding

I know how it feels.

                                             So for a very long time
                                                I took all the blame
                                                  Took all the hurt
                                                Took all the shame

                                                   And nearly died
                                                     On the inside.

So you had me promise you
That I would change
                                                                                         If not for my own sake
                                                                                                     Then for yours.
                      How many times have you said that?
                      How many times
                                                       Over the years
                      Have I been told that?
                                                                                 
                                                                             Why don't I ever listen?


Why am I always such a...
                                                                                                  


              I'm still so afraid
                                                     To let go
                                                     To hold on
                                                     To open up
                                                     To close out
                                                     To say things
                                                     To keep quiet
                                                       
                                                     To be me
                                                     For everyone's sake.

                                                                                                                Why?
Is it really that hard                                                               Why am I so scared?
To change what they've turned me into?

To take off the mask they fashioned for me                                    A strange
                         with their                                                           and lonely child?
                                 blind hands?
                                                                                                    I had felt so lost...

To leave this name behind
And finally live
The way I've always dreamed of living?
                                                                                    To succeed?



                                                 I'm sorry if I hurt you.
                                                 I never meant for it to.
                                           But I couldn't let it go unvoiced
                                 Even if I couldn't find the strength to speak.

                                                          



                                                     You said it back.

                                                You actually said it back.




                    Oh, I never doubted it
                                                           I hoped for it with everything I was


And simply prayed
                               That I wasn't
                                                                                             mistaken

                                                                                                  again.           


Hoping too hard for something beautiful
That I never
                    really                                                              
                              had.




And yet I believed it just the same.

                                                                                                     Desperate
                                                                                                         Scared
                                                                                                              Lost
I believed it just the same.



                                                  ...How did you feel?




You're so lucky, though.

You can cry when the pain hits.

                                                                                                      Me?

                                                                                            I hold it all inside.
And I've been keeping it hidden
For so long
                                                                      That I've forgotten how to let it go.

And it hurts.
                                   

                             A glass heart can only take so much, you know.

A little too much
                                                                                                No matter what it is
Just a little more pressure                                                                   Good or bad
                                                                                                                        Both?
                                              And the glass shatters.


Tiny little pieces
                         All over the cathedral floor.
                                                                              Takes a long time to pick 'em up
              
                                                                                                    By myself, that is.


There's only one problem.

                                                         When I finally get myself back together
                                                                  There's always a piece or two missing.

Most of the time I've given them away
                                                            To the souls who put themselves in danger
                                                                               Picking up the pieces
  The tiny bits of broken glass                                                   (So many of them...)
   Kind of like a kaleidoscope
That someone was careless with                                       With their bare hands.

One too many times.                                                    Don't you get cut?
                                                                                 Even a little?


                                     But you only smile
                     Hide your bloodied hands
                            So I don't blame myself again

                                                                                     "It's okay."
        "But I--"                                                     "Please... don't worry about me..."

                                                        "...You're the one who's heart is in pieces."

And then I realize
My hands are a lot bloodier than yours
From all the times                                                     "Let me be the one
I had to try and fix myself alone.                                   to worry for once...
                                                                                                       ...Okay?"
"...Okay."

                                                                  But it's terrible
                                            Because for the longest time

                            All I could do in return

                            was smile
            And thank you with all my heart
       
                                                                                         Or at least...
                                                                            ... as much of it as I could give.



It's always so difficult to say.
                                                                                     Is that all right with you?
But all I can do is try.


                                                 
                                              The sunset is reflecting off this glass heart of mine
                                                                                          
                                                                           and all I can do is smile.



...Oh, hey.
There's one piece left.

Couldn't see it with all these colors around.

                                                                                
                                                                                                        
                                                          Here...
                                             ...This one's yours too.