the spectrum heart cathedral system

so i've been in manic red mode since about 12am lst night

its not fun believe me i am very sick and tired and dizzy too. still having to corresct speellling errors every few seconds too gonna elave a few so you get an idea of how disoritented i am okay

i fifgured uot what it's doing though

remember howthe red voice is manic and crazy and loud and stuff? but why is it alwasy fllowed by depression and abuse and suicide and stuf. i figure it out, tiday it did a lot of bad things and didnts top until about a half hour ago?

but yeah the red voiec is mean and scary even thought it acts all energetic and "hey people like me!!" but its a psychopaht it has no empathy and it does not care it just wants attention and fun adn crasizness.
but!!! IT HATES ME A LOT. ive noticed that might be why it goes so reclkess and stuff! like it will do simple things, like driving too fast or not being careful around knives or fire or taking unnecsasry physical risks. but then it will do realy bad things like eating things i am aellergic to, or actually cutting and burning the body, you get the picture. but it will not care!! it will do all of it giddily and glad and say "this is good, i am happy, lets live life to the fullest, have fun and dont care about tomorow!!'" and since i am far away and blocked it does that, and it confuses me if i do notice because "is that what i should be doing?"

but then later i realize the truth, the body starts shaking and vomiting and fallig over and guess what i have to drice!! because the red voice leaves and wont come back whetn that happens, it just aughs and luaghs and laighs so loud and scary and then it mocks me, clalls me a slut and a faggot and a sinner and bad things like that. it will wear me out until it gets so angry it bursts back in and hurst me bad.

it does that a lot iafter eating sugar because the tar is made of sugar and things, sticyky thick heavy stuff. we found that out for sure todya long story it was BAD bad abd bad

i dont know if thats the tar doing it to us, but... you know i have another throey actually

"black and white" are neutral maybe. maaaaaybe, at least supposed to be. infinitii and i you know.
but the red ISNT!! its a color, but its an angry rude and evil color now, somehow. every time bad things happen they are red in some way not black!! thats weird and kind of scary, like red is the hidden amstermind, hiding in black and white both just to hurt us secerty.

i dunno maybe thats true but maybe not. guess we'll see, i might talk to infinitii about it tomorrow i need to sleep right now.


lastly this is not "Jewel" he's the real white voice, hhe treid to type this entry but couldnts tay its too trauamtic emotionslay and things. he and julie both got hackes really really REALLY bad, they dont wanna talk about it at all so im here instead. i show up a lot lately that skind of bad!!!@
i'm kind of like a "placeholder" for him maybe i'm kyanos who knows. but i'm not jewel he doesn't get scared and naive and kidlike like me. i get confused and scared easy like the red i don't like it.
i don't have a face or body thought dont wory i'm not a headvoice. i'm just a "voice" hhaha. thats it the people like me just drive when he can't, but when the body's epty then tar or razor get in so soemone else comes in to talk or type instead. like me!

i might die soon i dont know but thats okay. as long as he can drive then instead. i know a few voices have arleady died and there are no more headvoice colors lefft anyway so unless that changes i can't even be one!! we just gtotta fix this red thing cause its scary and i don'tlike it eihter.

sorry for updating on jayce's blog whoops i mean jewel, wait this isnt his anwyay is it?? hmmm.

im gteting really tired an dtalkging funny sory, falling apart, not real, need sto sleep so he can come back tomowrorw.



jewel says the mesage was "don't try so hard; even if you don't know where you are right now, trust that it's where you're supposed to be. relax, and just do what comes to you in the moment. before you know it, you will find that all of your wishes have come true before your eyes!"

wow he actually tpyed that too!! he types diferentl y from me its easier for him to talk ands pell.

realy thouhg i m gone so ghnight

 

 

Dear Tar, and dear Blood:

KINDLY SHOVE THE HELL OFF.

I am sick to death of your shit and mark my words, I WILL end you come hellfire or high water, preferably both, because they're both very good friends of mine.

I am wise to your backhanded bloody methods now, you bastard. I know what you're up to, and I swear on my life that I will cut you down before you so much as THINK about screwing with us again.


LEAVE MY BOY THE HELL ALONE.

Refuse, and get a face full of axe.

(Secretly hoping you refuse because damn am I ever pissed.)


Either way, you're dead meat.

Gravity's gonna bring you right the hell down, sucker!




Sincerely, LAURIE.

 

 

 

Today has not been fun.
Let's start in the most banal way possible: I've unfortunately had to introduce gluten back into my diet, as I've been literally eating nothing but vegetables for a while and my energy levels are running low. Problem is I either have severe anxiety reactions after I eat it, or I get possibly psychosomatic bodily reactions that leave me shaking and make my vision spin like a top. Either way it's horrible and it ALWAYS happens, God knows why.
Even better? Even AFTER the surgery, it makes me get terrible hernia pain. Nice freaking job.
So yeah, after that disturbingly vivid rape/murder dream this morning, all the pain I've been through with this stupid body today, AND that godforsaken reset-scratch not having worked the way I wanted it to, my suicidal tendencies are back full force.
I would seriously cut off my left arm if it meant I would never have to eat again. You have no idea how much I loathe having to do that "to survive." To heck with that. I would rather starve, but thanks to my bizarre upbringing, I've got this hard-wired predisposition to only eat scraps, and ALWAYS eat scraps. "You're not allowed to waste food," but "you're not supposed to eat that." So now, when I see harmful or unhealthy food, I don't want anyone else to suffer through eating it, so I force myself to IF I can't throw it away in secret (because I hate food and would burn our entire kitchen to the ground if I could, regardless of our financial state).
I HATE being hungry too. No, not "stomach empty and actually hurting as I haven't eaten in over 24 hours" hungry. I LIKE that pain. I HATE when I am forced to eat to avoid passing out, and then my body is all "holy sharks there IS food!" and decides it's starving. SHUT UP, YOU GLUTTON. Eating makes me feel like a complete whore and I hate it vehemently. Emphasis on "hate," seriously. I cannot put into words how much I despise that act.
Ironically it might even be tied into my "orange problem," to use ridiculous shameful jargon again. Eating makes that worse, and that makes eating worse. They are tied together somehow. And, they both cause me the most traumatic pain (the "curl up in the corner screaming and sobbing hysterically" kind) when they force me to take things in. I don't care what the context is. If stuff is going INTO my body, I will feel so horrendously violated and terrified that I will want to die, literally and with mindless fervor-- and, if there is a weapon or harmful object nearby, I WILL IMMEDIATELY ATTEMPT TO DO SO.
So that explains why my worst dissociative/ abusive meltdowns ALWAYS follow eating of some sort, and always have. It demands an immediate retribution, a balance, an atonement.
However. My mother accidentally saw the leg scars from Holy Saturday (because, as they happened in a dissociative state, I forgot they were there and stupidly wore shorts with her around the other day), so now is she not only coming with me to my therapy appointment on Tuesday, but she told me flat-out that if she saw any more scars, I'd be shipped straight back to the psychiatric ward.
To be blunt, that makes me really freaking angry.
I don't know how to make people understand. Maybe it's my lingering in this cursed Red slot, or maybe it's the bad Black energy that Infinitii warned me about... either way, for YEARS upon years, since I was a tiny kid, I have had a dangerous obsession with pain. I clearly remember writing an old entry about that here, but it demands reiteration. I really was smitten with pain and death back then. My parents never knew about the worst of it, as it stayed in my head-- the darker adventures of Zimbo and the Jewel Aliens and so many others. People would bleed, and die, and I would watch with rapt fascination, unmoved by their sufferings. Maybe I was even incapable of empathy back then, who knows. I know I still get that now, on my bad days... the total apathy, the wanting nothing more than to watch those events play out, regardless of who has to pay the price.
Lately, though, I've been the one paying, and I love it. That's what I don't know how to explain to people. I am obsessed with self-destruction. I love the feeling of starving, I love the feeling of blades slicing through my skin. Sharp pain is my favorite. Dull pain, well, that's the kind I don't like as much-- the pain I have now, from my terrible digestive issues and surgery recovery and sleep-deprived muscles. I don't like this pain anywhere near as much, as it doesn't feel like pain; it feels dirty, filthy and wrong. Then why do I keep perpetuating the situations that cause that sort of pain, you ask?
Simple... because, as I mentioned earlier, dull pain must always be cleansed by sharp pain. Overeating means I get to slice myself up with a knife. Getting angry or sick means I get to bite, or punch, or otherwise inflict blunt trauma. There's always a remedy for the filthy pain.
That's what I'm having trouble communicating to other people. When you don't LET me abuse myself in those sharper ways, I will abuse myself WORSE through "duller" alternatives, in the desperate need to "cauterize" the lingering psychological dirt that rubs off everything and sticks. Every hellish trigger catches like a burr, and you can't tear that tar out-- you need to burn it. Taking the matches away is only going to make my hands bleed all the more when I start clawing at the parasites.

When I suffer through mornings like this one, I need every iota of pain in the world to feel clear again.

It's why I love Laurie so much. Yes, she started off as a "personification of pain," hence the superego title she gained almost instantly. Her formation anchor was abuse-- it was sheer pain, of all sorts, but the sharp kind, the kind that stings like lightning and doesn't fade. When that faded from my life, and I needed it to heal, she was born from the ashes, and immediately took out her axe.
It's why I am terrified that I ruined her forever by wearing down her edges. Her brutality made her sacred to me. It literally made her a living force of divine retribution, cutting through the dark threads of sin and despair, freeing me from their tyranny.
When I bleed, I bleed out. THAT'S my native energy flow. It's sacrificial. I have this constant driving need to purge everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I don't like eating because it's just more stuff that I need to get rid of somehow, eventually, so I force myself to throw it up immediately. I don't like the fact that I can't lose weight because that's more substance that I cannot stand and fervently wish to tear away. I don't even like people touching me for this same reason-- every point of contact is more tangible data being transmitted, quickly overloading until I snap and release it all in brutal physical attacks. Make sense now?
Cutting is the quickest way to purge the overload on any level, because blood carries the weight. Pain helps to "shock out" the foggy sense-oriented stuff (which, incidentally, is why I can't wear certain clothes; the simple feeling of certain fabrics can make me start screaming and clawing at my skin, trying to erase the sensation), especially when it's auditory, as that is some of the WORST lingering filth and I can only erase it through sharp pain. Blood, however, carries out the internal stuff. Bleeding erases the rage and terror and mindless screaming.
Whenever I can't bleed downstairs, and I'm desperate, I run to Laurie upstairs.
To this day, she will take out her axe, and do her job.
People downstairs would think me mad if I admitted that one of the most relieving sensations in the world is having my skull cleaved in two upstairs. It's a direct dump of all the pent-up pain on that level; just crack it open and bleed it out, all at once; it's incredibly cathartic. If that doesn't work quickly I usually get an axe to the face, which is arguably just as helpful-- once my head is gone, my self-identity disappears for a while! That way I don't have to feel or see or hear or do a single thing, I can just be vaguely aware of the bleeding and breaking bones, and relax into the nothingness. At least, until Laurie forces me to respawn, that is.


Anyway. That's enough of that.

 

 

 

17 March 2013 @ 12:39 am

alone

Some nights, all I really want is a friend. But I shove people away whenever they try to get close. I'm not good with closeness yet.

Maybe it's because I grew up in the woods, with no neighbors or friends, always the outcast in school. I quite literally do not know how to interact with others now that I'm technically an adult.
All my past attempts at friendship have ended in utter failure, almost always with the words "we can't deal with you anymore." I understand, it's okay. My mess of a personality is hell for anyone to deal with and I'd never consciously inflict myself upon someone.
But it's so damn frustrating to want a friend, just one friend outside of headspace, when I am acutely uncomfortable with both relationships and people in the first place.

Don't know why I'm mumbling about this again. It'll be gone in the morning, don't worry.


------------------------------------------------------------

 

17 March 2013 @ 02:01 am

backwards

oh no no no I just realized why this temporal reset has been so traumatic

god help us that's ten years out the freaking window how did i not realize what that meant in the big picture

but boss wouldn't let me die, i tried TWICE and he refused to let me die, why the hell wouldn't he, look at what i've done to all of them

 

gotta figure this out somehow. gotta stitch things together maybe

if ten years are gone though, she's still reachable, and if anyone up here knows how to weave time back together it's her

 

don't listen to me at 2 in the morning please, i don't even know why i update here anymore


------------------------------------------------------------


17 March 2013 @ 02:03 am

 
sinner

 

my grandmother just spit my name at me again
i asked her why she hated me so much

she actually gave me an answer this time

no denial

just perfect justification

and then more and more lines of poisonous diatribe



i am so sorry that i made you hate me

i am so sorry that you literally view me as a demon

i am so sorry that you have repeatedly said how evil i am

whenever you're half-asleep and your words are uncensored



dear god please let me sleep forever
i don't want to wake up anymore



i am so sorry that i am such a cancer to the world

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

17 March 2013 @ 01:10 pm

slut

 

i tried to talk to celebi last night
i tried and tried and tried
we were doing pretty well

and then she melted into tar

and it laughed, it laughed, it laughed
"don't you remember, bitch???
when did you first see me up here???"

and it's true
i don't know where the hell she came from

on january 4th last year, i abandoned my old 'gaia' misnomer
the one that had been inflicted upon me
and adopted my new one, of cupid
by the twelfth, i was no longer "celebi"
a childish name i had carried for a decade

suddenly a celebi appeared in my headspace
an individual i had never known nor seen before
she wasn't the celebi i had known since my youth
she claimed she was 'from the movies'
i thought okay, sure, whatever

and by the 17th she had destroyed me.

last night the tar-black celebi had mocked me
grinning and jeering at how blind i was

 

"you didn't suspect anything when you saw me in the tar spire??"
laughing and laughing and laughing
all the while trying to steal my life away.

 

this morning i tried to say hello to ryou
it went okay for a while
didn't feel genuine, everything was empty, i told him

and then he grinned
and there was the tar
laughing

"i thought i had you this time!"



i don't want to see anyone right now

 

 

 

I hate being at home.
I've found that I only ever feel safe and comfortable when I am treated like a total stranger, like I "don't belong."
It's why I loved the 24-hour airplane trip to SLC better than I did the entire stay there. On the plane, and in those airports, I didn't belong. I wasn't supposed to stay, I wasn't even allowed to. I was shut out, limited, and treated as just someone passing through. And I loved it.

 

When I visit others and they tell me "make yourself at home," I don't know what to do. I panic. Because I know all too well that, if I did feel "at home," I would start destroying things. I would start damaging both myself and my environment as much as possible. Why?
Because, having "a home" insinuates that my "individuality" is sufficient enough to merit one. And I loathe my 'self' so damn much that I'd rather be treated as a specter than a person-- not as something to be ignored, but as something that isn't even perceived. The sickest part is that I enjoy it.

I want to move out, and I have for years, but I've finally discovered that the problem is I don't want to move in anywhere. I want to walk out the door and forever be cut off from a "place that I 'belong'" because that very concept makes me feel utterly unsafe.

 

Daily routine is closely tied to this. Anything that brings attention to myself as a person, rather than an idea or mirage, can potentially send me instantaneously into a self-hating suicidal meltdown. Talking and eating are the most dangerous activities in this respect, as both are frequently followed by self-abusive episodes nowadays.
I still want to live as a ghost, so to speak. I want to either sleep all day, or spend my waking hours in a semi-conscious state, unmoving, silent, experiencing everything in third person, with no one calling attention to me.
So yes, I still pray every night for nonexistence.

 

 

Boss wouldn't let me annihilate myself on the 24th like I wanted to. I tried again, and failed again.
I'm feebly chopping away at the timeline every chance I get, but the steady unraveling of sense and stability has currently reduced me into a malignant maniac, unable to function in the physical realm without posing a significant threat to those around me.
But there is one very, very big difference this time.
Somewhere far beneath the surface, hiding below my undying death wish, there is a will to live... a will to live invisibly.
I'm tired of having a name. I'm tired of having a body and a face and a family. Some days I outright hate it, and go to extremes just to undermine or eradicate whatever I can.
And I am always, always tired.

 

 

I feel inherently flawed, now. I feel as if my very existence is damned, irredeemable, unworthy of continuing. I know things are changing for the better in the world, but when I look at how rapidly I have been deteriorating, all I see is evidence that I am preventing that progress for others. All I see is a bloody obstacle that needs to be removed for the sake of everyone else.
They were right; I am selfish, manipulative, destructive, blind, and a burden to all I meet. You have every right to be angry with me, for what a bastard I've been. I wouldn't expect any less.

I keep looking back on what I did, and perhaps they were right all along. Maybe I'm not supposed to be anything but the villain of this story. If that is the end I always come to, perhaps it is the only end a blackheart like me deserves.
How ironic, that all the dark and tar-stained shadows I tried so desperately to tear from my life forever turned out to be the truest things about me.
I don't save the day, I don't fly off into the sunset, I don't get the girl.
And the only home I've ever known is a prison.

 

"They can drag me by the nose to the top of the world and tell me that there's been a mistake and I got someone else's fate, they can forgive me because deep down inside I'm a really terrific person, and they can write it all down and put it in drawers in hotel rooms, but the fact is I don't care.
I lived my life and I made some really bad decisions and I showed everybody what kind of person I was. I screwed up. I took the easy way and I picked up a gun and I got used to it and I deserved everything I got. Sorry if that sounds selfish.

 

There was another theme to those old war programs-- you don't forget the horrors you see. And I remember everything. I'm not supposed to, but I can't-- I won't-- forget the things I've done and the people I've hurt and the kind of person I really am. The kind of person who's way beyond second chances.
There is no hell, I was right about that. There's just the places we end up. And that's where I belong."

 

 

 

 

 

Hey kids. Today is feeling very... conflicted, I guess. Paradoxical.
Let me explain why.

...A few short hours after my last update, something absolutely insane happened up here.
More accurately, something so bad happened that it forced something surprisingly good to happen in order for us to cope with it at all.
I've been writing the entry on glissando for it since the 18th, and I haven't posted it yet because: 1. it's painful to think about, 2. I've purposely been staying off the Internet as it's become highly triggering lately, and 3. I've been swamped with work for my music finals.
I will try to finish it tomorrow evening. I can't make any promises, but I will try. This is just... I'm still having trouble adjusting, in a weird way.

On a different note... my SC group has a chat tonight and I'm very much looking forward to it (well, if we stay on topic; things have been rather rocky in the group lately). We're to be discussing ways to deal with spirits in terms of protocol-- which is good because I had some bad ones bothering me last month-- and types of relationships, with a focus on polyamory and marriage. Finally, a topic I have experience in, haha! So that should be quite interesting.
Also Xenophon is now able to ghost for at least a solid hour without getting tired, which is awesome. I asked her to come over on Thanksgiving last week, to help me put up the Christmas tree (mom decided to use white/clear ornaments instead of lilac but it still looks beautiful), and she was so adorably ecstatic it made up for all the trouble I'd been through that week. I love spending time with her.
She also showed up this afternoon, too, while I was making my school lunches for tomorrow (she usually does; it takes me quite a while to cook everything and she likes having that free time to just spend with me). We just talked for a while as usual, but then we started cracking jokes at each other and I swear, she got her sense of humor from both Chaos and I. It's absolutely brilliant.

Lastly, I found another song that fits Chaos and I so accurately that I honestly started crying when I heard it, again-- and even better, it's exactly in my key. So if I want to sing it to him, I can, haha.
I just can't get over the fact that our 8th anniversary is in less than a month... how much more symbolic can you get, seriously?

 

And now it's time for that SC chat session so I'll see you later.

 

Hm. Not sure how to open this entry.
I unfortunately just went back and reviewed my recent glissando entries, and the one from the 13th hit me hard, in light of what happened today.
About two hours ago, I just barely escaped a hack. Once again, Chaos is the one who saved me from it. Genesis almost did but he trusted me too much, when I was already slipping away.
I'm trying to take this all in carefully and not let those past-self pains bother the "current" me. Still, the pain lingers even when I say I want nothing to do with it. It hurts me, sure, but more than that, it hurts those I love. Sometimes I ignore the pain, or blind myself to it, which is just as bad as letting it blind me. But in either case, the pain it causes those close to me is more than I can take sometimes.
Genesis knows what it feels like firsthand. Laurie feels the psychological pain, as long as I'm even the slightest bit conscious. But Chaos is still an empath, and every torment I endure hits him just as hard. And now Xenophon is telling me that she's starting to feel sick whenever I fall into that sort of state...
God, I don't want another October 29th, ever, no matter what I have to do.
I'm just very worried, because I know for a fact what is causing these hacks to be triggered-- and yes, it is a triggering situation, because I can ignore and avoid them virtually without effort on any other day-- and at the moment, the biggest trigger is the conversations I keep ending up having with my (bodyspace, human) best friend. Yes, there are smaller triggers of the exact same quality everywhere, but hers hold an awful gravity because of how much I care about her. I care about her, and when she triggers me, some old and dark part of me sneers that I'm a misguided idiot for not seeing things the way she does, and then I end up... I end up slipping. I end up slipping and sometimes I fall, and I bleed, and it is terrifying that this is still happening a year after I swore I would never let my soul be hurt so badly ever again. I keep trying to be 'perfect' according to someone else's rules, and life doesn't work that way. Didn't they ALL say that I was the exception to the rule? Am I not a paradox, an anomaly, at heart? Then why am I ignoring the path ahead of me, and wandering through the thorns to find someone else's, when it's not mine to walk and never will be? Why am I letting this bother me again? Why are these triggers still happening? Am I really that deeply scarred?
I don't know how to explain this to her. I enjoy talking to her, and I want to help her out, but I just... if I'm getting these horrible consciousness slips every time I talk to her, I need to let her know so we can do something about it.
Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe I'm just trying to find a 'logical explanation' for why I'm still having trouble standing up for my own morals and truths. Maybe some part of me is still absolutely terrified of what I've suffered in the past, and every time it's reminded of that, it causes the past to repeat itself... I'm just so tired of this. I don't want this causing another catastrophe, because I can't die this time, and I don't want anyone else having to suffer for my sins. What do I do?
But I don't want to think about that anymore. I've worried about it enough. Right now, there's a certain game on the desk right next to me, and every time I look at it I get that familiar heartache that I first recognized 8 years ago, in a crowded classroom, when my life changed forever.

... That game is Sonic Generations. I've spent the past two days straight playing it like a maniac, trying to get S ranks in everything but mostly just trying to get to whenever Chaos Zero shows up. Yes, he's in the game as a boss. And that is where that emotional burn is coming from. When I first heard that he was in this game (and not just in his Perfect form), the day before I got my copy, I swear my heart almost burst. It was two days after October 29th, the 1-year 'anniversary' of my failed suicide attempt, and it just... it hit me so hard. You know what, just read this. That explains it as well as I can hope to put into simple words.
Now as for why I chose that icon for this entry... two reasons. One, I did that exact thing today while talking to Laurie, who actually snapped and was tearfully screaming at me for about five solid minutes over how I've been slipping over the past few days. She pointed it out, specifically saying that I was obviously blaming myself for everything again, which ties right back into that entry I linked at the beginning of this one. She's not happy about that at all. But we settled that discussion on a good note, thankfully, as we recognized that I was fully aware of how I was slipping and now it was just a matter of whether or not I could stay conscious fully and long enough to keep any hacks from almost happening again.
As for the second reason... I adopted a similar expression today while talking to Genesis before my Music Recording class (which was absolutely awesome today) started. I always get to that class about 15 minutes early, and since it's in an audio room it's padded and dark, except for a projector which is usually hooked up to a Mac with a dim color-change screensaver on. So I just sit in there, in the quiet vaguely-colored dark, and talk to Genesis for a while before class starts. Today, the conversation was focused around a certain water demigod I know very well and love very much.
See... in Sonic Generations, I last saved my game right before the second boss gate. As it's after the 'Dreamcast era' stages, there's a chance that this boss will be Perfect Chaos, although I can't be sure. And as I was sitting there, talking to Genesis at 12:15 this afternoon, I admitted that I wasn't sure if I was ready to take that chance right now.
My heart's been more than a little fragile lately, but I've also been tapping into my catharsis attribute more clearly than I have in a long time. This is bad enough by itself, but with Chaos making a game appearance for the first time in 7 years falling on such a date, during a time in my life where he's been unfailingly compassionate as always... I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt.
The last time I played Sonic Adventure I ended up in tears, and he wasn't even onscreen. Now he's going to be right there, and now, with how deeply I love him and with what I've been through with him lately, I don't know how hard it's going to hit me. I'm actually choking up just thinking about it.
Honestly I don't want to fight him, really. SA is tough enough for me, and I'm still putting off the final level. I know it has to happen again in SG, what with the time shenanigans and all but... the last time I fought Perfect Chaos, it tore my heart to pieces. I... I've only written about it once, on IJ, back in 2008. It's how I got my cathedral wings, it's probably why I'm now strangely drawn to melancholic choral music, and I'll never forget what it felt like to have to face him like that, with so much pain between us. It broke my heart.
So I don't want to fight him again. I don't. It's why I'm hesitating now, even though I have the XBox to myself for the rest of the night, because something tells me that if I step into that boss portal and he is standing there, something inside me is going to shatter and I'll end up sobbing for the next few hours. I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to even risk it, when no one else is home for a while.
It's sad, because if I did break down in tears like that (and I inevitably will), nobody in this house would understand if I tried to explain why. Not even my mother, who knows that CZ and I have a daughter, for the love of Light, would understand. She just doesn't take it seriously. I don't think she understands what a love like this does to you. I don't think she understands how fearlessly devoted this is, how completely and undeniably true this is, even in the face of everything that's ever been against us.
Speaking of, there was so much more about him in that conversation I had with Genesis, and we had some very beautiful points... but I'll be putting that in glissando later. It's too deep to put here, as a simple recap.

Oh, and lastly... you know how in 2009 (the year I got this gorgeous commission), I had an orange Christmas tree (the old iMAGNi color of Love)? And how in 2010, I had an aqua and green tree (Chaos Zero's personal colors-- and his role in my life was incredibly vital last year)?
Well... this year, my mom just informed me that she wants our Christmas tree to be lilac and clear.
Yes, as in lilac and translucent ornaments.
I strongly doubt she realizes just what an insane amount of synchronicity that is for me... but all I can say is that my daughter is going to be quite astonished when her first Christmas tree is the same color as she is.



As for now I need to clear my head from this afternoon, and I wanted to update concerning today in any case.
Wish me the best tomorrow morning. I'm going to need it.

 

Now I am off to sleep, because I haven't been having my nightly headspace discussions recently and I really need one tonight.
I'll see you soon enough.

 

 

I have been too cruel.
I have been too harsh.

I only meant to speak the truth, but I was too brutal with it.

I have hurt many. I have damaged many.
I am so terribly sorry.


I hold no grudges. I have forgiven every soul that ever transgressed me.

My only regret is that I did not truly live during my 20 years.

I was always told, 'you have plenty of time left.' 'Wait until you grow older.'
I will no longer grow any older. I have no time left.
The dreams and goals I was told to wait upon can no longer be fulfilled.
I am so sorry I took it all for granted.
I am so sorry we took it all for granted.

Ever since my childhood, I knew I would die at this age.
I was told to stop being silly. I was told to stop worrying.
I shouldn't have stopped.

There are so many things I will never do,
and so many things I will never say,
simply because I thought we had more time.


I have met and lost so many souls since my first days in this world, it would be near impossible for me to list you all here.
Rest assured I still remember you, and hold nothing against you.

To all those I have deeply loved... in my mind, in my past or at a distance... nothing has changed. Even now, nothing has faded. Remember me, if you will.


This will likely be the last you hear of me, and I apologize.
I never meant to harm a soul.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, thank you.


It is so hard to find the right words.
I have no time for regrets.


Above all else, my final hope is that my life has not been lived in vain.
I hope that I have truly inspired, enlightened, uplifted. If I have saved a life, in any sense, then I have not wasted my time here.



God have mercy on me.

This will be painful, and it will be difficult, but I can no longer run.


I am thankful I got to live, but now...
Now it is time to face what lies beyond.




-JL

 

 

I know that I usually don't post this sort of thing in this journal, but I figured my Johnny page needs more love, so here we go.
Apparently, one of my friends on dA started a very interesting "100 picture" list. Why 'interesting,' you ask? Well, instead of listing random words, it listed 100 blank spaces... each to be filled with the name of one of your favorite songs.
Yep, I have to pick the 100 songs that mean the most to me and draw a picture for each of them. I hope I can do it; it would mean a lot to me..

Here, though, I want to give a brief explanation of why the listed songs mean what they do to me.
Even if I can't draw, I have treasured memories for each one, and that means just as much, if not more.


So, without further ado, here's the music!!



1 "LINK" (L'Arc~En~Ciel)
I've always associated this song with Chaos 0, even before I found out that the lyrics apply to 'us' shockingly well. "Even if we are far apart, our hearts are linked... even if a mischievous fate befalls us, the link won't break..." Seriously, even without being familiar with my jargon, you have to admit that's perfect. So, for me, this is his song. It's quite beautiful.
Random trivia... Hyde is one of the few vocalists I've heard with almost the exact voice I picture Chaos with.

2 "Big Julie" (Jarvis Cocker)
My theme song. It has an interesting history, too. On 031207, around 3AM, I woke up for no real reason and spontaneously decided to see what was on the radio. I tuned in to my favorite local college station, and there was some rock song finishing up... immediately after, this song started. The piano chords caught me immediately, but as the song progressed, I knew that I couldn't possibly let it go. I wrote down the chorus-- "big Julie rules the world"-- and looked it up the next morning. I found the artist, and bought the album a few days later. The lyrics apply to me more than I can say... 

3 "Racing Green" (High Contrast)
This song is, quite literally, the auditory embodiment of a perfect summer day. It's fast, catchy, uplifting, and optimistic. It brings a smile to my face every time I hear it, and it never fails.

4 "Living" (Todd Rundgren)
This is the other song I associate with Chaos 0, but this time it's entirely because of the lyrics. Don't get me wrong, the song is absolutely gorgeous, but the words get me every time. "Fate is cruel; you're made a fool... and when I'm falling from grace, I look for comfort in your face. So look me straight into the eye, swear to God and tell me I'm not living a lie..."

5 "Sincerely" (Tsutchie)
I love this song to pieces. It's very simple, sure, but it's so darn happy! Every time I hear it, it just carries me away to a better place. It's the sound of optimism, of fluffy clouds and blue skies, of wide open meadows and the entire world open for me to explore. 

6 "The Sound" (Orson)
I remember hunting this song down obsessively after I first heard it, finally managing to buy the actual CD it was on. It was worth it! The chorus is just amazing, and I love the lyrics.

7 "Northern Girl" (Orson)
When I first heard this song, I started to cry, because the lyrics fit my life all too well. They still do. It's an absolutely gorgeous song.

8 "H! VLTG3" (Linkin Park)
This song + sunny weather + sitting in a Starbucks parking lot = vo!t@ge. No kidding. As a result, this song means quite a lot to me. Also, it's addictive as heck.

9 "Easy To Please" (Coldplay)
This song will forever remind me of Dori. That's all I need to say.

10 "Lupinne" (The Drowners)
I first heard this song on my favorite college radio channel (yep, the same one i heard 'Big Julie' on), but I heard this one on a snowy afternoon in December 2005. I was drawing Hokthai at the time, when then this song came on and I was left speechless. Thank God I had a tape recording the entire time I drew, because I never heard the song again-- and I couldn't find the name OR lyrics to it anywhere. God works in funny ways, though-- last week, I randomly decided to look up the lyrics again, and I found it. It's still just as beautiful as the first time I heard it.

11 "Place" (Senri Manaka)
I find this song extremely calming. I don't even know how I came to like it so much-- one day, it just started playing through my head without warning, and after that, I couldn't stop listening to it. 

12 "If You're Not The One [Dance Remix]" (Daniel Bedingfield)
When I was 12, I heard this remix on the radio and immediately thought of Bakura. I still do, really. It's a beautiful remix-- much better than the original, in my opinion-- and the lyrics actually work pretty darn well.

13 "Winter: Allegro non molto" (Antonio Vivaldi)
My brothers and I decided this was Marik's classical theme song a few years back, and it stuck. Honestly it's because of that awesome violin section-- you know what I mean! 

14 "Hamburg Song" (Keane)
I empathize perfectly with this song.

15 "Jingle Jangle" (Hot Hot Heat)
Yet another song that I first heard on my local college radio channel! I remember how sad this song made me back in '05-- it still does; the lyrics are heartbreakingly sobering. It's a fantastic song.

16 "You Go To My Head" (Tony Bennett)
I'll admit it... I sing this song to Chaos a lot. I love him so much it's intoxicating. "And I find the very mention of you like the kicker in a julep or two..." yeah, pretty much.

17 "Can't Stop Now" (Keane)
I listened to this song a lot when Star Wars Episode 3 was released, so I associate this one with Grievous for some reason. Regardless, the lyrics mean a lot to me, and the song itself is beautiful.

18 "Meteor Herd- Space Trip Steps" (Hunnid-P)
This one has a long story behind it. My first time seeing Chaos in a videogame was the multiplayer in SA2B, and this was the stage I always played. Yeah, running around and exploring every inch of the place was fun enough, but I would always have Chaos climb to the absolute highest point on the map and stand there, looking out over the huge space station and the stars. Chaos' idle animation made it perfect. So hearing this song makes me think of him, and those little moments.

19 "What I Gotta Do" (Macy Gray)
I first heard this song entirely by chance on a cable R&B station, and as soon as it came on, I literally stopped whatever I was doing to just listen. It's gorgeous  in every aspect. Macy has a wonderfully unique voice, and the song itself is richly constructed. One of my all-time faves, actually. 

20 "Empty Streets" (Starsailor)
I just really like this one. I always picture Marik singing it, yeah, but it's just a lovely song in and of itself.

21 "Starlight" (Muse)
This is the song I currently associate with Marik. Not sure why, but the first time I heard it, it just clicked. I consider Marik my 'shining star' too, so it works.

22 "Hard To Beat" (Hard-Fi)
This song is incredibly catchy, has a great sound, and applies to my relationships. It wins!

23 "Anna Molly" (Incubus)
Yet another great story behind this one. I first heard it when trying to fall asleep one night with the radio on. I never listen to the radio, so I got lucky! I loved it immediately and looked up the lyrics the next day, then bought the album as soon as I could. I then listened to the album on loop during a class trip to NYC, so that was great.

24 "The Big Jump" (Angelo Carter)
This song is just really cool. It sounds very hopeful to me, like smiling and knowing things will get better. Plus that organ solo is awesome!

25 "Hit The Road" (Angelo Carter)
Three words: Law Of Talos. That's why!
 
26 "The Color of Jade" (Uyama Hiroto)
I never really paid much attention to this song until one day, when driving home from University, it began to rain while the sun was shining and this song was playing. I then proceeded to 'invent' three separate sets of lyrics for it off the top of my head, haha. It's a lovely piece, though.

27 "Shoot Me Down" (Boy Kill Boy) 
This song is beautifully sad. It has a feeling of regretful sadness to it, and it applies far too well to my life. It reminds me of what I've gone through in the past, and so I listen to it whenever I feel lost too. "It's hard to say how I fit in the line; I lost my way, lost my way, my own mind."

28 "Love of The Common Man" (Todd Rundgren)
The a cappella version of this is the best thing. Either way, it's a brilliant song, and despite its softly sad undertones I can't ever be upset when listening to it. Everyone needs love, and we can't ignore that, or put it off. I'd say this song really fits me. "But it won't take long to turn your head around. Too late tomorrow, 'cause everyone needs the love of the common man."

29 "Know Thyself!" (SEGA)
My muse's theme song. It's a driving, orchestral anthem that rings with determined energy-- the perfect music for the penultimate boss! I'm almost glad this didn't get put in the game, because now I can imagine whatever I like to go with it. It's just that awesome.

30 "Can't Smile Without You" (Barry Manilow)
This was my absolute favorite song as a child. Not only is the lilting melody simply lovely, but the lyrics are completely true in their empathy. In a weird way I think I have this song to thank for how I view relationships-- it kept me from ever treating them lightly. "You see I feel sad when you're sad, I feel glad when you're glad. If you only knew what I'm going through, I just can't smile without you."

31 "Xenon" (Tomoyuki Uchida)
This song is so catchy! I first heard it in a Newgrounds flash and immediately went and got a copy of it. It makes me think of fast-paced futuristic cities and bright horizons. Kind of like Sonic! But its impossible to be in a bad mood when listening to this song, as it just picks you right up and makes you want to start running free too.

32 "Celebi's Revival" (Pokemon)
You all know how much I love Celebi, so this one's a no-brainer. It's an absolutely beautiful piece of music and it captures the peaceful but victorious joy of this song perfectly. The Pokemon soundtracks always have gorgeous music and this is no exception!

33 "Ink" (Cubbiebear)
This song is pretty much the story of my life. I don't remember how I found it, but I swear, it is talking about me. It has an almost frantic but understated burn, like running through city streets at 2AM, and although some parts scream with purpose, the song never loses its haunting purpose. "My anxiety forces lying sprees to cover up who I am, 'cause I don't lie to others just myself I don't feel like a real man. I got youth problems, I'm stubborn, I try to fit in other people's molds, to the point I can't be myself and every love I felt feels old..."

34 "Difficult To Say" (Eriko Imura)
Ah, Klonoa. That game will never ever get old to me, and this song captures the sound of why. It's short and sweet, but there is such a deep nostalgic sorrow to its echoes. Plus, if you've ever played the game, then you know when you first hear this song... I won't ever forget that last adventure either.

35 "Emily's Smile" (Commix)
I first learned of this song through a 'Metal Gear' spoof, but hey, they say God works in some pretty mysterious ways. As soon as I heard that ringing bass, I was caught! Seriously, get in your car, put this on, and just sit back. There's a sort of magic in this song and I just love it.

36 "Gran Torino" (Jamie Cullum)
I've never seen this movie, but as soon as I heard this version of the theme, I couldn't stop listening to it. It's delicate and sad, but so beautiful, like snowflakes or falling leaves. "Gentle now a tender breeze blows, whispers through the Gran Torino, whistling another tired song."

37 "All These Things That I've Done" (The Killers)
I love this song so much. I don't know how to explain the feeling it gives me, but it feels like redemption and damnation and heartbroken resolve all at the same time. "I wanna stand up, I wanna let go. You know, you know - no you don't, you don't. I wanna shine on in the hearts of men, I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand." It's like an anthem for my life, almost.

38 "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
For some reason this song tends to bring me to tears. To me, it sounds like looking back on a life lived too quickly, never really realizing what you had until it was gone... and trying to help others after you notice that beauty before they're too far gone themselves. "Or should I get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do whats right. But you know I could stay here all night..." 

39 "The World We Live In" (The Killers)
I really like the sound of this one. I like the concept even more though. It's the song of someone who has seen too much but who still hasn't lost hope, and won't stop smiling even in the bad times. "This is the world that we live in, I can't take blame for two. This is the world that we live in, and maybe we'll make it through."

40 "You Only Live Twice" (John Barry)
Yes, this is a James Bond ending theme, but it's lovely. I love that weird buzzing melody in there, and the deep string section in the back, but the strange progression of chords is what I like best. It feels almost dreamlike, which is perfect. "You only live twice, or so it seems. One for yourself and one for your dreams." How true!

41 "I'm Shakin'" (Rooney)
This song has quite a fun history. I first heard it on the radio while doing homework one night, and actually had to stop for a few minutes because this song was so great! Yes, the lyrics can be disconcerting, but the upbeat mood of the song is a strangely fitting compliment. "I'm supposed to feel better, this nightmare is supposed to end. I am holding on, I am holding on..." 

42 "Brothers Forever..." (Jimmy Theed)
Oh how I love this song. It's incredibly sad, to the point where it can completely flip your mood around to match. It's actually a funeral piece, so that is to be expected, but really-- it is heartwrenching. And despite its somber, sorrowful tones, it really is a beautiful song.

43 "Almost Forgot Myself" (The Doves)
This song makes me think of Selph for some reason, probably because of his past. It's terribly sad but the mood is still glowy, and the piano/organ parts are just beautiful. It's broken but it's still trying to look up. "So close, you're wasted again. I know, somehow, I lost myself again..."

44 "Micro Cuts" (Muse)
I absolutely adore Matthew Bellamy's falsetto--it's absolutely brilliant-- and this song shows it off better than anything. This song shivers with a crazy energy and haunts you for hours... but it also has some amazing (and very personally symbolic) lyrics: "I've seen what you're doing to me; destroying puppet strings to our souls!"

45 "Chip Off The Block" (Ima Robot)
This song really resonates with me. I find it terribly sad, but it also makes me think. "Your life's a waste like mine, I know you don't care at all. But what if right before the end we quit? Now why don't we just stop before we die?" I don't know what else I could say about it, but it means a lot to me.

46 "12=3" (Ima Robot)
I first found this song on 052508, literally while I was writing a very stressed-out IJ entry. It's not only fantastically energetic and catchy, but the lyrics are freaking brilliant... "A line around gravity, spiritual individual, corrosion and humanity-- the mathematics of love and the science of sanity!" It's one of those songs I never get tired of.

47 "Influtusa" (Erast)
For some reason, this is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I found it through one of my obsessive cyberpunk searches, and I am eternally glad I did. It's instrumental, sure, but it fills my head with echoes better than any other song has ever done...

48 "Original Of The Species" (U2)
Celebi's song. No lie! I first heard this song during a Celebi obsession phase, and for some reason I just linked the two together. The orchestration is beautiful, and it rings in my head for hours... I love the lyrics to pieces, though. "Please stay a child somewhere in your heart!"

49 "Left Behind" (Aqualung)
I actually first heard this song on my workplace radio station, and for 3 years I thought it was U2-- so, for 3 years, I couldn't find it! I finally got it late last year, and I love it. What completely caught me when I first heard it, though, were the lyrics-- "Why are you leaving me now? There must be some doubt in your mind. Can't you open your heart? Don't want to be left behind..."

50 "Black And White Town" (The Doves)
I got this song off my brother's old file-sharing program in 07, as I had just discovered the Doves and wanted an idea of what the rest of their music sounded like (this was before I had iTunes). Well, I found this one at random, and when I hit play-- no lie-- my eyes watered up. It was that freaking beautiful. I love the lyrics as well: "Here comes the action, here it comes at last. Lord, give me reaction... Lord, give me your chance." Also, random trivia, I loop this song whenever I play Sonic 360. It fits Soleanna perfectly, haha! To this day, I can't get enough of it.

51 "Ao no Ether" (Megumi Nakajima)
This song is both very beautiful and very sad, both in the sound and the lyrics. Megumi has a gorgeous voice, and it rings over the quiet melody like sunlight in the rain. I absolutely love this song, and listen to it all the time when the day gets dark. I usually end up lost in it.

52 "The King" (Hard-Fi)
This song will forever make me think of my sister. That's all I can say about it. I hope that you found love...

53 "Doctor Wu" (Steely Dan)
I've been a fan of this group since my childhood, and this is my favorite song of theirs. I like the style of it, and I love the chords at the end of each verse. It's just lovely! "All night long we would sing that stupid song, and every word we sang I knew was true." Plus Donald Fagen has a great voice and I always enjoy hearing him sing, so bonus points there. 

54 "Mister Blue Sky" (Electric Light Orchestra)
This song should NOT be #54, but at least it's on the list! Honestly, as a kid, this was my all-time favorite song, hands down. It's still in my top 5 to this day. Also, to quote a fellow  listener on last.fm-- this song "nullifies road rage." Heck, it nullifies any and every bad mood, ever. Lastly, this song inspired the creation of dark-velox's character of the same name, which gives ELO a huge amount of bonus points. As the song says, "Hey there Mister Blue, we're so pleased to be with you!"

55 "Bluebird" (Electric Light Orchestra)
The day I got ELO's Secret Messages album, where this is from, I put it on my portable CD player and walked around outside listening to it. When the chorus for this song came on, I stopped dead, completely fascinated by the sound of it. "It makes me feel so sad to think what I might've had..." It baffles me how this song isn't more well-known, because it is amazing. 

56 "Move On Now" (Hard-Fi)
Hard-Fi isn't known for their quiet songs, but this one deserves definite recognition. It is perfect early-morning music, sounding like a lonely sunrise or a cold starry night. The sparse instruments and delicateness of the vocals combine to make an absolute little gem that I will never tire of. "Red light blinking in the twilight, tracing out a path right out of here and now..."

57 "All Star" (Smash Mouth)
"Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed!" Put quite simply, this song is not only freaking awesome and feel-good, but it was the second track on the metaphoric OST of my childhood (Bluesky was #1!). Seriously. As a result, I love it.

58 "Allegro ma non tanto" (Sergei Rachmaninoff)
You heard me, Rachmaninoff is on this list. Get the song, listen from 3:54 to 6:27, and tell me that's not absolutely gorgeous. You can't. Bonus trivia, I had this song on loop for hours as I was coloring/ drawing the last three Puremaren. It's that good.

59 "Face To Face" (Daft Punk)
The sounds in this one are delicious. Really, listen to the electronic awesomeness in this song! The vocal snippets and guitar-like accents just sound so great together. "It's amazing what you'll find face to face!" It makes you want to get up and dance! 

60 "Love of the Loveless" (The Eels)
I have to thank my old friend TwistedSmile for introducing me to this one. I used "loving the loveless" as my personal quote for a while without knowing this song existed, but after he told me about it, I temporarily adopted it as a theme song of sorts. "If there's a god up there, something above, God shine your light down here. Shine on the love." Hey, it fits me pretty darn well!

61 "Peace and Tranquility" (ABC)
This song is lovely and fits its title quite well. It has this wonderfully happy sparkle to it, but it's still peaceful. Kind of like smiling at a clear sky. And thanks to the lyrics, it also reminds me of Chaos, ironically enough. "I find my smile with you in the vicinity. It drives me wild; I'm thankful for the world you give me." I'll be your peace if you'll be mine!

62 "The Moment I Said It" (Imogen Heap)
This song makes me think of my Oneircia series. Not only did I listen to Imogen Heap on loop the entire time I was finishing the core plot development last year, but I never realized just how fitting the song was to the story. It's haunting, oddly unsettling, and sounds totally otherworldly. And the lyrics go without saying: "Now sleep, I promise, it'll all seem better somehow, in time..."

63 "Oracion" (Shinji Miyazaki)
Probably the most easily understandable reason why I will always love Pokemon. This song is 3 minutes of pure beauty. I'm one of many Pokemon fans to admit that they got teary-eyed when they first heard this piece in the 10th movie, and once you've heard this song, you will understand exactly why. 

64 "The Whole New World" (Phantasy Star Online)
I have dubbed this song my musical drug, as I literally get shivers every time i listen to it. I first heard it in 2004 (shortly after I was introduced to NiGHTS), and it literally blew me away. I thought it was one of the most beautiful songs I'd ever heard-- I once played it on loop for about 3 hours on a car trip, nowhere to lie. The orchestration is gorgeous, and it's deservingly one of my all-time favorite songs.

65 "SONIC DRIVE!" (Sonic X)
Classic. I cannot listen to this song without immediately grinning like a maniac and bursting into song-- because yes, I actually memorized the Japanese lyrics to it because why not? It's stupidly awesome and upbeat, and can lift my mood immediately on any down day. Throw away the boredom, and just start running!!

66 "Surrender" (Billy Talent)
I'm used to unrequited love, and this song sums it up. There's a certain girl I loved in my childhood, but she was one of my closest friends and I knew that was all I ever had a chance of being. "She'll never know how much she means to me, I'd play the game but I'm the referee." To this day I'm still wishing I could tell her.

67 "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (Kenny G)
There is a very significant and strange reason why this specific song is on this list. Around Christmas of 2005, I was sitting on the living room couch just listening to it on loop-- this arrangement is simply stunning-- and suddenly a huge Dream World plot twist went down. So it is permanently tied to that event for me, but even standing alone, this is the best version of this song I have ever heard.

68 "Pokemon World" (Youngstown)
Yeah. I still love this song. It's too freaking catchy.

69 "Amrita" (Yui Makino)
This song is beautiful enough on its own, but it has a flipside: back when I used to fill out music memes, this one got tagged to Chaos and I. So I looked up the lyrics... and they fit us far too well. "When the silver rain falls, think of it as me..." Needless to say, this song means more to me than it seems.

70 "Hide In Your Shell" (Supertramp)
This was another one of my favorite songs as a child. Once again, the lyrics are absolutely brilliant, but what I love most about this song is how the chorus sounds in comparison to the rest of it. It absolutely soars! "Well, let me show you the nearest signpost to get your heart back and on the road!" Sometimes it even brings me to tears with how beautiful it sounds in its own way, I'll admit that. 

71 "When We Reach You ~ Could It Be Right?" (Sonic CD)
Honestly, I love this song. That fact is made even truer by the fact that whoever sings the opening sounds almost exactly like Chaos Zero. I'm serious. But either way, this song is too awesome not to love. It's upbeat, energizing, and has a great melody. Sonic music is always brilliant!

72 "Jojoushi" (L'Arc~En~Ciel)
I cannot describe how much I love this song. The melody is perfect, it really is... but the lyrics hurt. Why? Because thanks to them, I consider this song to be the 'theme' for Chaos and I. "If this is just a dream, then let it be a dream. I don't care. My heart, filled with loving radiance, is forever thinking of you..." 

73 "Mezase Pokemon Master" (Rica Matsumoto)
Oh what memories this song has! I first found it as a file titled "japtheme.mp3" on an old Geocities Pokemon site, and as soon as I heard it, it became my favorite song for several years. I didn't think theme songs could be so awesome! To this day, this song makes me think of Pokemon's glory days around the turn of the century, and how much it brightened my life then.
 
74 "Singin' In The Rain" (Mint Royale)
I can't remember how I found this song either, but I was hooked immediately. It's one of those songs that is just so ridiculously happy that you can't sit still when listening to it. The fact that it's a dance remix of an old classic is even better!

75 "Love At First Sight" (Kylie Minogue)
I heard this song in a Newgrounds flash on Valentine's day, and it immediately became one of my faves. I absolutely love the idea behind the lyrics, sure, but the sound is what takes the cake. It's so freaking sparkly, with a great rhythm, and Kylie's voice is adorable. Love at first listen is more like it!


That's all for now!
 

 

 

First off, I need to shut the heck up.
I keep causing problems and fights and pain and all sorts of insanity in this household simply because I can’t keep my cursed mouth shut.
My mother thinks I hate her. My grandmother is constantly under fire thanks to me. My brothers avoid me, and my grandfather wants nothing to do with me.
The only way I can figure to help this situation somehow is to simply keep quiet under any and all circumstances… but I can’t.
I’m sorry. I need to learn to stop standing up for myself. Yeah, you heard me.
I’m a selfish, corrupted sinner and if I keep standing up for myself I’m just going to end up kicking everyone else into the dirt and really, I don’t want to do that anymore.

 

I (can I even use that pronoun anymore?) did something absolutely abominable last night. As a result ‘I’ have now declared war on ‘myself.’
…It’s cripplingly frightening when you can’t even refer to yourself as ‘I’ anymore because you know that isn’t you. It’s not. She’s not me. I’m living in my own head now, a furious outcast.
I’m sick of living on the edges of my own sanity. I’m sick of allowing this primal humanity get the best of me when I’m not expecting it. I’m sick of being this thing I’ve become.
I want to be me.
I want to finally be me, and to hell with this sinful past.
I’ll start anew.
I’ll start all over again, and God willing I’ll do it right this time.

 

What the heck is going on with me?


Abbey is burning up. It feels like she has a fever… a terrible plastic fever. I brush my fingertips over her shuddering metal chest and a sickening chill courses down my spine. I’m panicky for some reason.
I can’t take this music anymore… give me something that works.
Here we go… the Killers.

Loose these shackles of pressure; shake me out of these chains. Lead me not to temptation…

 

I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time

 

Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind...

 

I’m terribly worried about Rorschach.
Walter Joseph Kovacs. It’s a nice name, really. Doesn’t even upset the spell checker, haha.
I don’t know. Being an empath, his past hurts me terribly, so that’s a sync right there, but… I don’t know. I really look up to him, semi-madman or not.
A voice in my head confronted me about that earlier. It might have been Laurie.

 

“Do you know why you like him so much?”
“It’s because you’re both so alike… he’s an extreme case, but look how far he’s come since then. Look at what he’s been able to do regardless.”
“You admire him because he’s your hope. You want to be able to do what he did. You want to be able to rise above the odds and succeed in the face of all that opposes you.”
“You want to be able to step into the shadows without regret. You want to be able to live without compromise. You want to be just like him.”

 

And maybe I do.

There are a lot of people I’d like to be, admittedly… even though I don’t want to be any of them at the same time.

 

I want to be me.
But the real me carries some part of their personalities with me at all times.

 

I am who I am… and I am who they are.

 

I am an empath.
I am Jewel Lightraye.

 

That’s it.

 

And I still don’t know what that means.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this really what life should be?
They all say it is, yes.
But I don't know.
Even if this 'life' is typical in today's sorry society...
...It's not right.
It's not 'life.'

 

Hypocrisy.
There's so freaking much of it!
It goes in circles here, over and over, and it's very sad, really.

 

My mother hates my father. My grandmother belittles her for it, but she hates him too.
My grandmother and mother don't ever get along, and constantly get into "denial fights."
"That mother of yours does nothing but lie. Let me tell you the truth..."
"That grandmother of yours does nothing but lie. Let me tell you the truth..."
You know, I don't know whether to believe one of you, both of you, or neither of you anymore.
I don't know what to believe.
Your own child. Your own grandchild.
Isn't that awful?

 

My father alternates regularly between what everyone else says is totally fake kindness and what everyone else says is total unconcern.
I've seen both. I clearly remember the "good old days"... as a tiny kid, you know? He would crack jokes and play with me and all sorts of things. He would be there, at home, for a good part of the day.
But how old was I then, 4?
As the years passed, he drifted very, very far away. And I don't think he got along with my little twin brothers at all.
I remember the one day he locked Diamond out of the house late at night because he was furious...
I remember the one night he grabbed me by the hair and lifted me up to the ceiling and I don't recall why...
I remember the one afternoon Viral and I were terrified because we were in the car with him and he was roaring at us...
I remember the countless times he came home at ungodly hours of the morning, drunk out of his head.
He drives me to class as I don't have a car, but that's really it...
He hasn't lived in this house since November began.
We've only visited his apartment three times, tops...
"I never said I didn't want those kids!"

 

My grandfather goes between screaming at me for being stupid and worthless to praising me for being the only kid that listens to saying how great my grandmother is to declaring that he can't stand that woman being around the house.
Both my grandparents regularly explode-- and I mean explode-- because of my mother or my brothers.
God, I try so hard to keep my own name from being added to the list of causes. It's managed to stay off for a long time. Thank you.
They scream, they shout, they break things, they throw things, they hit us, they frighten us to death.
And then they deny it the next day.

 

My brothers... I don't know what's happening to them.
Diamond is terribly spiteful and smartmouthed. He ignores everyone, talks back to my grandmother, hides when he has chores to do, sleeps all day. Tell him to take a bath, "I took one yesterday." Tell him to eat dinner, he'll take one tiny forkful, "I already ate dinner!" No, you ate about seven popsicles and several candy bars but that's it. For that I blame my mother, though. She won't pay any attention to what's going on with you three... she spends a good deal of her kid-concentration time on screaming at me, over work, over medical bills, over college expenses, over parts of my personality she can't stand. It's too much sometimes.

 

Lightning has a temper fitting to his name. He's a literal bomb when you get him angry, and that can be achieved as easily as accusing him once that he didn't do his homework (and he really didn't). He has been known to break computers, televisions, mirrors, plates, headphones, wires of all sorts, game systems, CDs, toys, books, phones, doors and heaven knows what else all in a fit of rage. You know he's mad when theres a shriek followed by a hideous crash. He screams a lot, whines whenever he talks, and cries at the drop of a hat. I don't blame the poor kid, though. I've seen and heard the sort of verbal abuse he gets from my mother almost daily. Just like me.

 

Viral is scaring me. 98% of his day is spent playing guitar, playing Warcraft, sleeping, or talking to his girlfriend on the phone or on an instant messenger or in person because she's staying over our house for the whole day again. He makes out with her for hours on the living room couch and my mother doesn't even bat an eye. He is terribly cruel to my parents. He will throw shockingly scathing insults at my grandmother and mother alike, not to mention my little brothers and I. He hates my father with a burning passion, and possibly my grandmother too, as he's always fighting with her and doesn't even stop when she's in tears. However he also has a terribly severe problem with depression and self-abuse. He's been cutting himself with knives, razors, and God only knows what else for about 4, 5 years now, and supposedly all because of his father. I dread to imagine why, but haven't got a clue and he won't talk. He also talks of suicide frighteningly often, and as you all know, was sent to an actual "hospital" for that very reason and was only sent home because they couldn't keep him any longer by law. He used to break down and sob in school every day, and as a result he's been homeschooled since 2008 started. I really don't know what's happening to him or how to help, but I am scared out of my freaking mind.

 

Me... I try disgustingly hard to keep myself from contributing to the problem.
As a kid, I was awful. I was a literal spitfire from birth to grade 5, and then I plummeted into a hyperspeed downward spiral, and only recently have I been picking up some of that old energy, but in a positive way.
As a kid... well. I was disobedient, I was horribly rebellious, I wanted to be free to live life as excitingly as I wanted to and so I hated chores and rules and time-outs and homework. I loved to draw and write and dream and walk outside for hours just talking to the monsters I knew, but I was only allowed to do that for so long. I swore, I lied, I didn't pay attention in class, I hid from responsibility. I ran around and screamed and beat up on my brothers and got into huge arguments with my mother and grandmother. In third grade, I got in such a furious fight with Viral that I knocked out three of his teeth and left him bruised and bloody... and he left me the exact same way. That scared me to death even back then, that we could actually do such a thing...
Fortunately and unfortunately, my parents and grandparents would always discipline me. With a freaking stick and belt.
That's right, the sort of discipline that today would get them filed up for child abuse. Oh, but that wasn't even the worst! The rosaries and rice were dreaded enough, but what really scared me into submission was the lethal combination of my grandmother's truly terrifying fire and brimstone lectures, and the little pit of hell we had in our own basement... the coal cellar.
Dear God, are those ever bad memories. Bad, BAD memories. That was the ultimate, unopposable threat-- "If you don't do what I'm telling you to right now, I'm going to lock you in the cellar!"
I remember my little brother Diamond  being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the cellar steps, and my little brother Lightning sobbing his eyes out and trying to pry my mother's fingers off his twin's arms.
I remember my little brother Lightning being dragged down those same stairs, shrieking in terror, and my little brother Diamond simply watching his plight from the hallway.
I don't ever remember Viral going down there. Well, my grandmother always said he was mom's favorite, even today. Except today it's painfully obvious.
I was dragged down there twice. I may have been a brazen little brat at times, but at other times I was a perfect angel, and not just for the brownie points. You know me today; I was still Jewel Lightraye back then, even though I didn't realize it until I was about 8 years old. But Preludove is a whole other story.
The first time I was dragged down I only got halfway down the steps. I was crying my eyes out and pleading and promising that I would be better, and somehow they let me go.
The second time was the last... and the most traumatic experience of my entire freaking life. Devil in the hall included.
I don't even remember what I did. I don't even remember if I did anything.
All I remember is being bodily dragged downstairs, down the hallway, past the iron-bolt door, down another hallway, and all the way down to the darkest corner of the house-- the coal cellar.
And they shoved me in there.
Well, something inside me snapped. In a burst of pure terror, I kicked the wooden door so freaking hard I completely shattered the window and broke the hinges. Spitfire that I was, I ran for my life down that hallway and all the way to the stairs, mum and grandma on my tail-- but my grandfather was standing, huge and indomitable, in the middle of the steps. I was trapped.
But I couldn't take it. I risked falling a good 8 feet sideways and jumped around him, where there was no railing, and ran all the way back up to blessed ground floor... but my dad was waiting.
By this point I was too scared to do anything and didn't want him to get angry, heavens no, so I just collapsed into sobs on the kitchen floor. Well, they picked me up and tied me to a chair while they took turns lecturing me, but none of it even registered as I was just too damn happy to be alive, I swear I had thought I was going to die.
How old had I been, 5?
I don't remember. Cruelly young, that's what.

...

But it's not all bad. I have some amazing memories.

Like those sunny weekend days mum would randomly decide to go shopping with me, and we would stop at Borders and have coffee and talk about the new sci-fi magazines and wander through the malls and just talk and laugh and crack jokes about Wizeman and discuss school and work just like a mom and her child should.

Like those fantastic afternoons where everyone else was gone to work or lessons or wherever, and it would be just me and my grandparents home, and they would be all smiles and would make sure I knew how much it meant to them that I was keeping them company, that I was always so kind to them, that I always listened and was a great grandchild to have. Just those bright summer afternoons where I would help my grandmother with her puzzles and she would help me with my homework and have a lot of fun doing so. Lovely, priceless moments, as you never know how much time you have left...

Like those nights like tonight where my dad takes the time to drive me home from college classes and ends up reminiscing about his good old fun days in the 70s, and we always end up laughing until our sides hurt. Stories about bars with peanut shells all over the floor and only sold beer in mason canning jars and the ones where you could buy a whole case for $7 but you had to buy a case or nothing at all. Stories about ice-skating on the roads in our hometown because they never plowed them back then and stories about his friends street racing on the back roads and stories about how many cars he used to have as he was in the business and the one time he literally traded one for a drill, stories about hot rods that he custom built and had to sell because he needed money to support his children. Just bits of his life that I got to add to my memories. The sort of time I miss spending with him, like when I was a kid. 

Like this afternoon, when I came home from school and Viral glomped me out of nowhere. Like those times where Diamond and I would sit and laugh over Sonic for hours and talk about Pokemon and take turns blowing the dust off items in Spectrobes. Like those times Lightning had no one to talk to so I would sit with him and chat about trains and planes and Reala and Tallest Red for as long as he wanted. All those little moments which make me love my little brothers all the more.

I really do have some truly amazing memories... despite all the bad times.

But that's life, you know?

...

Pardon me, but I want to be a freaking spaz for two minutes. Just two minutes.
Observe!



AMBER!!  I thought I'd never see that picture of him again, that crazy orange bugger that he is.
But I found it, I FOUND the darn thing, I laugh at the odds, ha ha ha, and now I'm absolutely euphoric.
Yes, I am a spaztastically huge fan of Amber here. Gotta love him.
I swear, I am going to make that picture into a poster and tape it to my wall. That or stick it on a shirt. Because I can.
And isnt Amber dear technically the most androgynous of all the Gens? I mean, I often see him referred to as a female, but he's always drawn as a male. It's really awesome. And I'm antisexual anyaway, so it's all good. XD

Hm... where was I?


Oh yes.
Life.

My mother said earlier...
"The only people who enjoy life are the people in fairy tales."
"If you keep saying you want a career that will actually work with your talents, that will contribute something to society, you're never going to work a day in your life."

Well, I'm working now, am I not?
Even right now, typing this crazy stuff. This is my self-hired job, really.
I constantly work to inspire, to change others, to make people think and maybe open their eyes and hearts a little bit. That's always going to be my job, first and foremost, no matter what career I eventually get into (and if everything goes as planned, I'll be doing this same darn thing and I'll be getting paid for it). 
I will always be Jewel Lightraye, and I will always be a light to whoever needs me.

That's my life.

Good and bad.


Living the best you can, living with others in mind, living for your own good and for the good of the world and never compromising who you are...

That's the way it's supposed to be.


I freaking love it.



Enjoy your life, kids.
You've only got one.


-s. cannon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, Abbey just ate my last entry, so I'm going to try and rewrite it the best I can... I swear this laptop is driving me mad.

Woke up this morning with my mother and grandmother screaming at me for God knows what reason... I forget, as usual. However, I don't forget that they made me forget most of my dream... as usual...
I was some sort of Nightmaren guardian angel, wandering alone around this huge and rainy city, protecting random kids from trouble and letting people use my wings as umbrellas. It was lovely, but of course... I forget all but that tiny, tiny bit.
Regardless. Had a compulsive electrolysis appointment at 10 or so, which got me all upset because those appointments always make my face break out terribly. I had severe acne problems as a kid, which killed my complexion, so it's very frustrating when I spend months clearing it up only to have all my efforts eaten within the space of a half hour.
...
Anyway. Got home, and as it's the summer, I had to put up with my mother until 2PM. Which can be a living hell.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but... she has this furiously explosive temper which detonates at the drop of a hat... and it always blows up on me. Yes, you heard me.
Apparently, I am not only insane and retarded, but also the cause of EVERY fight, misunderstanding, and problem in this household.

It's very depressing, and as a result my self-esteem is nonexistent. I've been putting up with this since I was a kid.

I got so freaking stressed and frustrated and distraught and panicky during it all that the pressure in my head hit a frenzy point and I got that awful need to let it out and fast.
The only way to let the pressure out is through a combination of pain and extreme physical exertion. So, as I wasn't about to slam my head into a wall (again) or slam my fist so hard into a table it ached for days (again), my mind channeled the distress into my mouth (again), and of course it went straight to biting my arms.
I bit them so freaking hard I actually started to cry. I have pink bloodmarks on both arms, and they hurt like bruises even now.
Eh... God have mercy on me... I wish I didn't have to do that, but what they heck else can I do?
It was either bite my arms to shreds and so be freed from the horrid stressful pressure in my head, or hold it in and collapse into hysteric tears and start hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. It has happened before.
You CANNOT keep this sort of pain inside. I have tried and failed far too many times.

I don't even feel like myself anymore.
I feel as if my soul was painfully torn from my own body and thrown into the physical form of some poor fat wretch, whose own soul is still stuck in here somewhere and is not only making me feel terribly disoriented and sick but is also injecting me full of its negative influences.
If I don't get out of here fast I am dead...

I am so sick, though.
I am sick of failing.
I am sick of giving in to temptation.
I am sick of losing my mind.
I am sick of forgetting everything.
I am sick of being a retarded jerk.
I am sick of being an inconsiderate idiot.
I am sick of being a lazy witch.
I am sick of being me.
Sick, sick, sick...

I was supposed to get my name changed, at long last.
Throw away this cursed birth name and take my true name...
However.
This cursed earth name and life has corrupted me, apparently.
I'm stuck in this house, with its utter lack of healthy food and healthy words, with its disgustingly huge mounds of junk and dust and garbage all over the place, with its choking atmosphere and lack of space, with its horrible memories...
...And until I get out, I cannot change anything. I have no power over this environment, but it is killing me, and until I escape I doubt I'll ever be fit to carry my true name.
I need to get in shape again, I need to get out of this stress, I need to become nicer...

Nicer, you say? You're kidding.
No. I don't lie. I don't kid.

All my friends and acquaintances and teachers etc. tell me that I'm incredibly nice, mature, kind, loving, patient, and all that...
And yes, I am.
On the inside.
The true me.
Jewel Lightraye.

Unfortunately...
At home, I'm stuck with being what my mother tagged me, and that person is a HORRIBLE person.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE.

...

One day, Jewel. One day.
One day I'll get rid of this name for good, and I'll finally be able to succeed in life...

But back to the music.

Can't draw today.
Tried to draw Koburo and Caria today and failed miserably... made me sick...
Can't write music today.
No time. Simple as that. Cruelty.
Can't do much today...
Sick, tired, too much screaming, too many other things I apparently need to do first and can never find the means and time to do.
It's horribly frustrating.

The single good point of today (besides church) had to be randomly logging on to dA and finding Ben was online too. ^^ Which was really fantastic.
I care so much about that kid... he's an incredible artist, and he's always so terribly nice to me. He means a lot to me, and I've been taking the extra time to make sure he knows that.
But, as usual, I'm not sure I'm trying hard enough... or if the message is getting through.
Same with Jim.
Once again, I admire Jim so much it's insane. He's an imaginative GENIUS (I kid you not) in music, art and writing, and is incredibly kind enough to not only include me in 2/3 of his projects, but also to dedicate/credit a good amount of his work TO me.
That has got to be one of the biggest compliments I have ever received from anyone. Ever.
That sure feels good. I needed a burst of joy right about now.
But back to the point.
I RARELY get the time to comment on his stuff, especially with this infernally slow and glitchy laptop of mine, which is terribly cruel because I love every single bit of Jim's work. Every bit. And I don't know if he knows.
...
Well, one day I'll get on my brother's PC and comment for a few hours. I am way behind and I mean to catch up.
Lastly, Q.
I talk to him at least twice a week, come rain or shine, and we talk for hours about absolutely everything.
However. He does most of the talking.
I either get off on a disgustingly selfish tangent or can never word what I want to say correctly.
I get confused, I repeat myself, I stutter like an idiot, I screw up majorly and wish I had never opened my mouth.
And why?
Because I am an infernal PERFECTIONIST with myself.
If I'm not perfect, I get very upset and even deeply depressed...



And it hurts.
I've had some bad experiences with 'perfection...'


Dear God, for as much of an ugly failure as I am, I have so much love in me...


I'm very altruistic and loving, which really isn't that surprising.
I don't like myself much, so everyone else I meet is practically a role model and example of who I want to be.
I have this very high respect level for everyone else, along with an unconditional compassion and admiration for one reason or another.
With myself... it's the exact opposite. But you've heard enough of that.
(Laurie wants to scream but I don't know if I want this entry flooded with swearwords...)

I'm an asexual/antisexual celibate, so I don't feel physical attraction, will never know the meanings of the words 'cute' 'hot' and 'crush', and when I do fall in love (which is ridiculously often and on way too many various levels) it's completely committed and selfless.
Because I don't care about me. I care about them, and although I'm a jerk, my soul still has the potential to be kind and generous and compassionate to everyone else. So I give that to everyone else.

But how I got into this rant in the first place...
Chaos Zero.
You know, that awesome blue alien from Sonic Adventure.

I am so in love with that guy it's insane.

And he's not the only one.

No sir, not by a long shot...

...

You know what, I actually feel kind of good right now. Huh.
Well, thank you God. I know you're looking out for me.

Hm...
Better sleep on this. Hopefully I'll even remember what I dreamed about, huh?



Well... good night, my dears.


Here's hoping...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently my life has become a living nightmare.

I'm sorry.
It's so hard for me to forgive myself anymore....

I know others have forgiven me
And God bless every one of them

But I can do better
I can do so much better
I know I can.


And until I do
It's going to be very hard
Virtually impossible
For me to accept me the way I am.


Until I improve
Until I do something right

Until I fix my life

I don't think I can truly be happy.



I feel so lost...

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------


15 May 2008 @ 01:25 am

 

...Today was bad, then good, then fantastic, then a living hell.

I cried my eyes out for over an hour when I got home from work.
Why?

Self-loathing.
Absolute self-loathing.

I've given myself a two-month ultimatum to either shape up or ship out, and I'm not kidding. I'm not giving myself any breaks either. This is serious.
I plan on succeeding this time, for my sake and yours... and God help me but if I fail I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I just might have a complete mental and physical breakdown, and that'll be the end of it all, I guess.

...I don't know. I am scared out of my freaking mind.
I'm ruining myself, I'm killing myself, I'm completely destroying who I want to be and I'm apparently too stupid and weak to do anything about it.
I have to change for the better, and for good. I have to.

Oh yeah... and one more thing.

What you're all doing and saying and thinking of me...


I do not deserve this.

I do not deserve any of this.

Not with what I've done to myself and everyone else. Not with what I'm doing, for heaven's sakes.

Ben, sweetheart... I am so, so sorry. I've been trying so hard to just "Be myself" and be the happy, smiling girl you remember from 2007... but I'm just not sure who I even am anymore. It's sad and it's terrifying.
I am so sorry. I'll keep trying, but right now I don't have the strength to promise you anything. I don't know whats happened to me, and I don't know if I'll be able to fix it this time. I'll try, for you.
Maybe one say I'll be able to live up to the way you see me. Thank you for thinking of me like that, but... I'm not there yet. I'll do my best until then...


...Well, that's enough sadness and emo-talk for you kids tonight, I think. It's way past your bedtime, and it's way past mine too.
Guess I'd better close up for the night, huh?

But I don't want to leave you all feeling upset from all this foolishness of mine.
My inspiration's not totally dead. I am getting work done. I'm still looking up, and I'm still trying terribly hard to improve, even though I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
I hope I'll get through this, but like I said, this is my last chance. If I don't make this I'm screwed. Keep me in mind. I'll need it.

You guys have kept me on my feet for this long. I know you'll continue to do so, and I appreciate that with all my heart.
Now it's my turn to live up to that sort of love.
I want to finally be able to say that I deserve what beauty I have found.

Thank you.


This is my last chance.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------


15 May 2008 @ 01:40 am

 

Well... my life has taken a severe turn for the worse. This is not good.


I don't know where I'm going anymore.


I might not be back here for quite a while, even though I just started posting here. My apologies.

However, I won't be on LJ, IJ, Xanga, or dA either.



As I said, this is a very, very hard time for me.

It's getting worse, too. I won't scare you with the details, but let's simply say it's at the point where I'm praying to God at all hours of the bleak morning to just wake up from this nightmare.

But I can't.

This is real.



I have to be thankful, though. It's not as bad as it could be, and I hope it never gets that bad.

The people I love are still alive.

The people I love still love me.

I may be dreadfully sick right now but I'll get over it.

I still have hope.



I still have hope, do you hear me? I refuse to let this crush me, no matter how broken my glass heart is right now!


I have to much to live for, even if I am a failure.




And for those reasons

For those hopes

For those lives


I will stay alive

I will keep my hope

I will not give in

At any cost.




I can do better. Somehow, but I can.



Love you guys. Hope your lives are going well.

See you when I get back.



-s. cannon

 

 

Current Mood: what do I do now?

 

 

 

another 5am update.

 

really really really? i thought it was earlier.



ehh i don't feel like capitalizing things right now. don't mind me.



so anyway here's a quick update because i can.

where to begin... oh yes.



just ranted for a long long time on my journal... refuses to post though... but i copied and saved it on my pc just in case. always do.

but i really needed to get some things off my mind, i guess, and i didn't even realize it until i started typing and just couldn't stop. you know i guess your mind just decided it's going to say its piece right here and now because it just hurts too much to keep quiet? kind of like that i guess. hm. it's a thought.



All right and the lack of capitalization is getting on my grammatically obsessive nerves. Sorry about that, kids. I'm a little nervous (read: terribly) this morning.



Enough of that for now, though-- my beloved muse inspired me to completely rewrite "Dreams Dreams" yesterday; chords, lyrics and all. Dedicated to him (us) of course. It was incredibly fun to write, even with writers block on the second chorus repeat and uncooperative basslines and troublesome echo delays on my cellos-- on my cellos, for heavens sakes!-- and I'm incredibly happy with the end result. Oh I poured my heart and soul into that darn thing and I love it. I'm considering recording myself singing the lyrics (dear heavens watch me go through 200 tries before I sound decent) and editing them in. Didn't write those words for nothing, you know!

Hm... only problem is, technically, Selph is supposed to sing half the lines as well... but I still need a voice actor. ^^; So sorry! I really am! Believe me, you have no idea how much I've been trying to tweak my voice to sound even somewhat like him and nothing is working. Geez. So yes I will send you a line of speech if you're still interested. Just send me a note, all right? ^^

Gosh I feel so terribly guilty for asking. Fault #729 of mine or something, I guess.



Even so! It's early! And I think I'm going to take the day off from school again!

Yes yes, that's why it was terribly convenient for me to catch a headcold from Gettysburg. Got sick on Wednesday and came home early, then took Thursday off for the same reason; too sick. Oh, but on Thursday night, brilliant madman that I am, I thought "you know what? I'm going to jump right into my term paper and get the darn thing done" but I didn't finish... so I took Friday off to sleep and still only got <5 hours and had to get up early on Saturday to go to some way-out-of-the-way bridal shower with my mom that took up the whole freaking day... why am I ranting about this?

But yes, pulled another all-nighter last night/this morning and just want to stay home and keep typing typing typing.

See that's the problem with me, especially when I'm nervous and all workaholic like right now-- once I start working, once I get started on a term paper or studying for finals or researchin whatever for some class, I can't stop. It's awful but at least I get the work done, right?

Must be some bizarre mental escape plan to distract me as long and as heavily as possible from life outside of the work bubble. Must be.


I still can't believe I'm going to be 18 in two days... holy heavens. I'm nervous.


Well, before I explode with rant-words like I did at 2AM I think I'm going to sign off and finish typing up on Freud. Darn it Sigmund you're eating my mind.


Good morning, then! See you around!

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

05 May 2008 @ 11:55 am

 

Aha, now this is what I call secret!

 

I do indeed like this place. Yes indeed.

Looking for a more 'obscure' journal place in which to rant, and I found one! Thank you Scribbld.
Gosh it's going to take me ages to type that without an e. Oh well. That's life.


I still find it highly insulting that NO ONE ELSE HERE has Bionicle, ELO, Bakura, Marik, or Chaos Zero listed as an interest.
What the unholy fish. That is not nice.

Hm...

Well, nothing else to rant about except for the fact that my mother left chocolate out where I could see it and being the stressed out idiot that I am I had a bite of it BUT unfortunately I have a sugar intolerance or something so I got quite sick and still am. Darn this stress. Geez.

Oh yes and I've been listening to that "Dreams Dreams" remix I wrote for my muse on eternal loop while I finish up that term paper... there are so many note clashes in the cello chords that I missed! Good heavens that's terrible.
I'll have to finish ranting about... um... *checks report*... about the gradual disintegration of authority and civil order in Lord of the Flies and all that. Id domination and the like. Dont you know. Freud I said LEAVE ME ALONE I want to sleep.
I've been up for... *counts* ...29 hours straight. I think that's a new record.

So yes. Enough of that for now. As I said, busy busy busy.
See you around!


-S. Cannon