another one of these nights

[prismaticbleed]

 

Apparently my life has become a living nightmare.

I'm sorry.
It's so hard for me to forgive myself anymore....

I know others have forgiven me
And God bless every one of them

But I can do better
I can do so much better
I know I can.


And until I do
It's going to be very hard
Virtually impossible
For me to accept me the way I am.


Until I improve
Until I do something right

Until I fix my life

I don't think I can truly be happy.



I feel so lost...

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------


15 May 2008 @ 01:25 am

 

...Today was bad, then good, then fantastic, then a living hell.

I cried my eyes out for over an hour when I got home from work.
Why?

Self-loathing.
Absolute self-loathing.

I've given myself a two-month ultimatum to either shape up or ship out, and I'm not kidding. I'm not giving myself any breaks either. This is serious.
I plan on succeeding this time, for my sake and yours... and God help me but if I fail I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I just might have a complete mental and physical breakdown, and that'll be the end of it all, I guess.

...I don't know. I am scared out of my freaking mind.
I'm ruining myself, I'm killing myself, I'm completely destroying who I want to be and I'm apparently too stupid and weak to do anything about it.
I have to change for the better, and for good. I have to.

Oh yeah... and one more thing.

What you're all doing and saying and thinking of me...


I do not deserve this.

I do not deserve any of this.

Not with what I've done to myself and everyone else. Not with what I'm doing, for heaven's sakes.

Ben, sweetheart... I am so, so sorry. I've been trying so hard to just "Be myself" and be the happy, smiling girl you remember from 2007... but I'm just not sure who I even am anymore. It's sad and it's terrifying.
I am so sorry. I'll keep trying, but right now I don't have the strength to promise you anything. I don't know whats happened to me, and I don't know if I'll be able to fix it this time. I'll try, for you.
Maybe one say I'll be able to live up to the way you see me. Thank you for thinking of me like that, but... I'm not there yet. I'll do my best until then...


...Well, that's enough sadness and emo-talk for you kids tonight, I think. It's way past your bedtime, and it's way past mine too.
Guess I'd better close up for the night, huh?

But I don't want to leave you all feeling upset from all this foolishness of mine.
My inspiration's not totally dead. I am getting work done. I'm still looking up, and I'm still trying terribly hard to improve, even though I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
I hope I'll get through this, but like I said, this is my last chance. If I don't make this I'm screwed. Keep me in mind. I'll need it.

You guys have kept me on my feet for this long. I know you'll continue to do so, and I appreciate that with all my heart.
Now it's my turn to live up to that sort of love.
I want to finally be able to say that I deserve what beauty I have found.

Thank you.


This is my last chance.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------


15 May 2008 @ 01:40 am

 

Well... my life has taken a severe turn for the worse. This is not good.


I don't know where I'm going anymore.


I might not be back here for quite a while, even though I just started posting here. My apologies.

However, I won't be on LJ, IJ, Xanga, or dA either.



As I said, this is a very, very hard time for me.

It's getting worse, too. I won't scare you with the details, but let's simply say it's at the point where I'm praying to God at all hours of the bleak morning to just wake up from this nightmare.

But I can't.

This is real.



I have to be thankful, though. It's not as bad as it could be, and I hope it never gets that bad.

The people I love are still alive.

The people I love still love me.

I may be dreadfully sick right now but I'll get over it.

I still have hope.



I still have hope, do you hear me? I refuse to let this crush me, no matter how broken my glass heart is right now!


I have to much to live for, even if I am a failure.




And for those reasons

For those hopes

For those lives


I will stay alive

I will keep my hope

I will not give in

At any cost.




I can do better. Somehow, but I can.



Love you guys. Hope your lives are going well.

See you when I get back.



-s. cannon

 

 

Current Mood: what do I do now?