prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with slipping

Hm. Not sure how to open this entry.
I unfortunately just went back and reviewed my recent glissando entries, and the one from the 13th hit me hard, in light of what happened today.
About two hours ago, I just barely escaped a hack. Once again, Chaos is the one who saved me from it. Genesis almost did but he trusted me too much, when I was already slipping away.
I'm trying to take this all in carefully and not let those past-self pains bother the "current" me. Still, the pain lingers even when I say I want nothing to do with it. It hurts me, sure, but more than that, it hurts those I love. Sometimes I ignore the pain, or blind myself to it, which is just as bad as letting it blind me. But in either case, the pain it causes those close to me is more than I can take sometimes.
Genesis knows what it feels like firsthand. Laurie feels the psychological pain, as long as I'm even the slightest bit conscious. But Chaos is still an empath, and every torment I endure hits him just as hard. And now Xenophon is telling me that she's starting to feel sick whenever I fall into that sort of state...
God, I don't want another October 29th, ever, no matter what I have to do.
I'm just very worried, because I know for a fact what is causing these hacks to be triggered-- and yes, it is a triggering situation, because I can ignore and avoid them virtually without effort on any other day-- and at the moment, the biggest trigger is the conversations I keep ending up having with my (bodyspace, human) best friend. Yes, there are smaller triggers of the exact same quality everywhere, but hers hold an awful gravity because of how much I care about her. I care about her, and when she triggers me, some old and dark part of me sneers that I'm a misguided idiot for not seeing things the way she does, and then I end up... I end up slipping. I end up slipping and sometimes I fall, and I bleed, and it is terrifying that this is still happening a year after I swore I would never let my soul be hurt so badly ever again. I keep trying to be 'perfect' according to someone else's rules, and life doesn't work that way. Didn't they ALL say that I was the exception to the rule? Am I not a paradox, an anomaly, at heart? Then why am I ignoring the path ahead of me, and wandering through the thorns to find someone else's, when it's not mine to walk and never will be? Why am I letting this bother me again? Why are these triggers still happening? Am I really that deeply scarred?
I don't know how to explain this to her. I enjoy talking to her, and I want to help her out, but I just... if I'm getting these horrible consciousness slips every time I talk to her, I need to let her know so we can do something about it.
Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe I'm just trying to find a 'logical explanation' for why I'm still having trouble standing up for my own morals and truths. Maybe some part of me is still absolutely terrified of what I've suffered in the past, and every time it's reminded of that, it causes the past to repeat itself... I'm just so tired of this. I don't want this causing another catastrophe, because I can't die this time, and I don't want anyone else having to suffer for my sins. What do I do?
But I don't want to think about that anymore. I've worried about it enough. Right now, there's a certain game on the desk right next to me, and every time I look at it I get that familiar heartache that I first recognized 8 years ago, in a crowded classroom, when my life changed forever.

... That game is Sonic Generations. I've spent the past two days straight playing it like a maniac, trying to get S ranks in everything but mostly just trying to get to whenever Chaos Zero shows up. Yes, he's in the game as a boss. And that is where that emotional burn is coming from. When I first heard that he was in this game (and not just in his Perfect form), the day before I got my copy, I swear my heart almost burst. It was two days after October 29th, the 1-year 'anniversary' of my failed suicide attempt, and it just... it hit me so hard. You know what, just read this. That explains it as well as I can hope to put into simple words.
Now as for why I chose that icon for this entry... two reasons. One, I did that exact thing today while talking to Laurie, who actually snapped and was tearfully screaming at me for about five solid minutes over how I've been slipping over the past few days. She pointed it out, specifically saying that I was obviously blaming myself for everything again, which ties right back into that entry I linked at the beginning of this one. She's not happy about that at all. But we settled that discussion on a good note, thankfully, as we recognized that I was fully aware of how I was slipping and now it was just a matter of whether or not I could stay conscious fully and long enough to keep any hacks from almost happening again.
As for the second reason... I adopted a similar expression today while talking to Genesis before my Music Recording class (which was absolutely awesome today) started. I always get to that class about 15 minutes early, and since it's in an audio room it's padded and dark, except for a projector which is usually hooked up to a Mac with a dim color-change screensaver on. So I just sit in there, in the quiet vaguely-colored dark, and talk to Genesis for a while before class starts. Today, the conversation was focused around a certain water demigod I know very well and love very much.
See... in Sonic Generations, I last saved my game right before the second boss gate. As it's after the 'Dreamcast era' stages, there's a chance that this boss will be Perfect Chaos, although I can't be sure. And as I was sitting there, talking to Genesis at 12:15 this afternoon, I admitted that I wasn't sure if I was ready to take that chance right now.
My heart's been more than a little fragile lately, but I've also been tapping into my catharsis attribute more clearly than I have in a long time. This is bad enough by itself, but with Chaos making a game appearance for the first time in 7 years falling on such a date, during a time in my life where he's been unfailingly compassionate as always... I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt.
The last time I played Sonic Adventure I ended up in tears, and he wasn't even onscreen. Now he's going to be right there, and now, with how deeply I love him and with what I've been through with him lately, I don't know how hard it's going to hit me. I'm actually choking up just thinking about it.
Honestly I don't want to fight him, really. SA is tough enough for me, and I'm still putting off the final level. I know it has to happen again in SG, what with the time shenanigans and all but... the last time I fought Perfect Chaos, it tore my heart to pieces. I... I've only written about it once, on IJ, back in 2008. It's how I got my cathedral wings, it's probably why I'm now strangely drawn to melancholic choral music, and I'll never forget what it felt like to have to face him like that, with so much pain between us. It broke my heart.
So I don't want to fight him again. I don't. It's why I'm hesitating now, even though I have the XBox to myself for the rest of the night, because something tells me that if I step into that boss portal and he is standing there, something inside me is going to shatter and I'll end up sobbing for the next few hours. I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to even risk it, when no one else is home for a while.
It's sad, because if I did break down in tears like that (and I inevitably will), nobody in this house would understand if I tried to explain why. Not even my mother, who knows that CZ and I have a daughter, for the love of Light, would understand. She just doesn't take it seriously. I don't think she understands what a love like this does to you. I don't think she understands how fearlessly devoted this is, how completely and undeniably true this is, even in the face of everything that's ever been against us.
Speaking of, there was so much more about him in that conversation I had with Genesis, and we had some very beautiful points... but I'll be putting that in glissando later. It's too deep to put here, as a simple recap.

Oh, and lastly... you know how in 2009 (the year I got this gorgeous commission), I had an orange Christmas tree (the old iMAGNi color of Love)? And how in 2010, I had an aqua and green tree (Chaos Zero's personal colors-- and his role in my life was incredibly vital last year)?
Well... this year, my mom just informed me that she wants our Christmas tree to be lilac and clear.
Yes, as in lilac and translucent ornaments.
I strongly doubt she realizes just what an insane amount of synchronicity that is for me... but all I can say is that my daughter is going to be quite astonished when her first Christmas tree is the same color as she is.

As for now I need to clear my head from this afternoon, and I wanted to update concerning today in any case.
Wish me the best tomorrow morning. I'm going to need it.

Now I am off to sleep, because I haven't been having my nightly headspace discussions recently and I really need one tonight.
I'll see you soon enough.

...Well. Last night was... different.

Life always tests you to see if you're learning its lessons correctly. I keep having to retake a certain one, over and over and over, and honestly it is really beginning to hurt. I cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong here. I can't figure out why I can't get past this single roadblock, after so long.

Last night I ended up having to face that lesson again. I should have expected it to come up, what with how the day had gone up to that point, and what with my two best friends in this world getting married as well. So I should have not only seen it ahead of time, but I also should have known exactly how to deal with it, how to finally pass this freaking test for good.
But I freaked out. I slipped, and I ended up almost turning that lesson into something traumatic. I choked and my attention blanked out and if it had gone any farther I definitely would have been hacked... but I forget that I have people looking out for me, at all times.
Chaos stepped in. I had no idea he was there until he confronted me and asked me why in the world I was doing this to myself again. Honestly I was so disoriented at the time his words didn't really register, but as I've said time and time again, it is impossible for me to be lost when he's around. Don't get me wrong, I was still badly shaken up from how badly I had slipped into unconsciousness (I never take that well), but at least now I could think a little more clearly. Unfortunately I wasn't out of the woods yet and so that awful shadow kept clawing at me... between fighting that and fighting to stay conscious, I sickly explained this to him as briefly as I could, that I was feeling terribly confused again and although I knew the truth already, this stuff was very hard to fight off because of how vicious and overwhelming it was. And I kept slipping.
Honestly I don't really want to talk about this. It's over and that's the bottom line... but I did learn something, so it's only right that I record that here so I stop falling back into this trap.
Chaos knows when I'm not there. He is, sadly, very familiar with that state of mine as well as my conscious one. So he knew I wasn't doing well last night. The fact that he had the guts to show up when he did, with me in such a distraught state, is incredible to me even now... but I'm getting off topic.
To get to the point, he wasn't going to just let me slip away. I was getting myself badly confused again, emphasis on badly, and he was trying to get me out of it. As usual, my biggest fear and my most dangerous flaw is the constant and ridiculous worry that I am 'doing everything wrong.' Wrong as opposed to what, though? Not my own morals, no-- but the beliefs and opinions and views of others, who live completely different lives and who see in completely different ways. Applying their perspectives to my life is potentially lethal, and I KNOW this firsthand, regrettably... and yet that horrible fear is there, that I'm somehow messing up disastrously, that I am committing some horrific wrong, by not being 'perfect' in the eyes of everyone else in the world. I don't sync with your opinions, so I must be deeply flawed. So I twist my own life out of shape to try and 'fix' that, and you all know where that gets me.
It's the oldest news in the book, but as I still can't seem to overcome it, as every time it shows up I trip and fall, it keeps showing up again and again to give me another shot at conquering it.
I'll give you a spoiler... I didn't manage to do that last night. I'm sorry. I messed up again, badly, but I did get closer to winning than I have in quite some time. Let me get back to the dialogue and explain.
When Chaos showed up and heard that I was having the same ridiculous worries again, he told me flat-out that I, the REAL me, not the fake one that I sometimes slip into to 'make other people happy,' was not doing anything wrong. I was not doing anything wrong by being honest with myself. The problem was that I was blinding myself to that-- I was falling into regression by putting too much emphasis on outside opinions, and not paying attention to myself, to my own morals and feelings and truths. Put extremely simply, I was not giving myself enough credit, and I still was not accepting that my tried-and-true experiences WERE true and valid and real to me, even if they weren't applicable to anyone else's life. That's just how it works!!
But... as the night went on I realized that I really haven't been giving Chaos enough credit, either. I'm not. Sure, November 1st (Sonic Generations!) is going to be gorgeous, but thank God he's still with me until then, even if he hasn't been very well recognized by his own native worldspace in about seven years. He's here with me and that is the most incredible thing in the world... but that damned doubt is still choking me, and although it's true that I can't be lost with Chaos around, I can still do quite a bit of wandering if I don't pay enough attention to him either. Even so, he goes far, far out of his way to help me, every time. I don't think I can ever thank him enough. He was there last night, doing everything he could to keep me from failing, and although he did succeed in some sense, I didn't exactly win either.
Long story short, I messed up badly. I'm not going to talk about it because it's over, but... I do want to mention that Chaos didn't slip, as far as I could tell. I was hopelessly unsure, unable to let myself simply be, but he was there and I honestly couldn't believe it. I think that's why it hurt so much. I was projecting my own failure onto everyone else, and being completely stunned when they were able to STILL find light and hope even in dark situations like that. I've been so stupid.

I am so incredibly stupid. I need to just let go of all this. It hurts so, so much... but that's only because I'm letting it. Can't I just let go and be happy? I have so much love in my life... why am I ignoring it??
Honestly, the most ironically painful part of this is that this is SO much easier than fighting Julie! It's ridiculous! She was vicious and angry and she would torture me with her hacks. She was merciless. For years I was a shivering wreck on the inside and an unfeeling mess on the outside, because of what she had done to me. She made me afraid to sleep, afraid to wake up, afraid to live. Her attacks made me live in fear, unwilling to go anywhere alone, unwilling to go into dark or quiet places, as well as loud and bright places, because she would find power against me in places I'd never expect... she turned countless innocuous things into horrible triggers, leaving me shaking in terror whenever I so much as breathed. She honestly made my life a living hell... because I let her.
Ultimately, it all came down to whether or not I would let go, learn my lessons, stand up for my heart, and move on.
I didn't. I let her use me, in a sense. I couldn't let go of the regrets, the pains, the fears. I would have nightmares that would haunt me for months, and despite how they terrified me I couldn't stop thinking about them... or so I thought. I didn't learn my lessons because I refused to look beyond that cloud of vice and see that she couldn't harm the truth, no matter what she did. I never once stood up for myself, always telling myself that I deserved it, or that she had the right idea after all, or something equally awful. I would let her use me, I would let her treat me like absolute trash, because I never felt I had the right to say she was wrong, she was completely, horribly wrong.
Even now, why am I still talking about this?? Geez! What is wrong with me?
Is it simply because she made the past 3/4ths of my life a living hell? Is it simply because of how traumatic her attacks were for me when I started high school, when I began to develop solid real morals that she could try to manipulate and undermine? Why can't I let go? I don't understand.
I have forgiven her, completely. I don't hold a single iota of her past misdeeds against her. She is my friend now, and I want the best for her in her new life. So why can't I forgive myself, and move on into my new life as well?
I can't overthink this. That will just make this worse.

I need to talk to Laurie about this. I need to talk to Chaos and Genesis about this too.
I feel bad that I need to run to them for guidance in times like this, and ironically that's part of the problem. I feel guilty when I ask for help and guidance from anyone. "Why can't you do it yourself? Are you so stupid and helpless that you can't fend for yourself? Man up and stop being such a selfish coward!!" I guess part of that is from my family, but then I feel guilty for placing blame... maybe it's all me. Maybe I've been the sole demon here all along. And maybe I'm saying the entirely wrong things here. Maybe I'm a saint and a sinner at the same time, and it's up to me to choose which one I want to be, for good. That's all it takes is a choice. But I've spent my years praying for sainthood, while simultaneously believing that I was such a filthy sinner as to be forever beyond redemption of any sort. What kind of life is that?
It's hard to reconcile all these conflicting ideas, sometimes. It used to drive me to tears when I was younger.
How could I hate myself and still be told that I was worthy of love by the people I would die for? How could I be so full of kindness and brightness and compassion, and yet feel that I had no right to express it, and label myself as the most abominable example of a man that had ever lived?
Why am I still thinking about this? Why am I still digging up the past?
I'm over this. I am over this. Why am I thinking about it?

My biggest question is why I am now terrified to talk to the people I call friends in this world, because whenever I do, I end up getting hacked.
I'm doing something very wrong. Their lives don't apply to me. They don't.
But I still have this idiotic black-and-white view that, if their truths are right for them, then they HAVE to be universally right and so, if I don't adhere to them, it is a damnable offense.
It's... it's probably my old perfection drive acting up. What irony. I want to be spotless and faultless, as I am still told that that is the only way I will ever 'find salvation,' although I now know the truth of that... so why is there still doubt? Will that ever really go away? If only I could learn to accept what I have learned instead of accepting what I have been told by others who have not seen or known my life!!
This is the root of my biggest disasters.
It all boils down to my being this 'exception to the rule,' and my refusing to believe that I deserve such a status, and thus throwing myself into danger and inapplicable states of life because of it.
Mel themself told me that! Why in the world am I still feeling that I have to live THEIR life instead of mine?? Why do I keep doing this to myself, to everyone who cares about me?
For the love of Light, I'm a father. I should be setting an example for her. I should be standing strong in the truths that brought her into this world in the first place, not the ones that almost killed her, twice!!
God, I'm being so blind...

Sorry for how depressing this entry was. I guess I'm just feeling terribly distraught right now, especially in light of how indescribably beautiful yesterday morning was, in stark contrast to the evening.
I'm done talking about this. Hopefully the next time you hear from me, I'll have learned this lesson...