you are perfect, just as you are

[prismaticbleed]

Hm. Not sure how to open this entry.
I unfortunately just went back and reviewed my recent glissando entries, and the one from the 13th hit me hard, in light of what happened today.
About two hours ago, I just barely escaped a hack. Once again, Chaos is the one who saved me from it. Genesis almost did but he trusted me too much, when I was already slipping away.
I'm trying to take this all in carefully and not let those past-self pains bother the "current" me. Still, the pain lingers even when I say I want nothing to do with it. It hurts me, sure, but more than that, it hurts those I love. Sometimes I ignore the pain, or blind myself to it, which is just as bad as letting it blind me. But in either case, the pain it causes those close to me is more than I can take sometimes.
Genesis knows what it feels like firsthand. Laurie feels the psychological pain, as long as I'm even the slightest bit conscious. But Chaos is still an empath, and every torment I endure hits him just as hard. And now Xenophon is telling me that she's starting to feel sick whenever I fall into that sort of state...
God, I don't want another October 29th, ever, no matter what I have to do.
I'm just very worried, because I know for a fact what is causing these hacks to be triggered-- and yes, it is a triggering situation, because I can ignore and avoid them virtually without effort on any other day-- and at the moment, the biggest trigger is the conversations I keep ending up having with my (bodyspace, human) best friend. Yes, there are smaller triggers of the exact same quality everywhere, but hers hold an awful gravity because of how much I care about her. I care about her, and when she triggers me, some old and dark part of me sneers that I'm a misguided idiot for not seeing things the way she does, and then I end up... I end up slipping. I end up slipping and sometimes I fall, and I bleed, and it is terrifying that this is still happening a year after I swore I would never let my soul be hurt so badly ever again. I keep trying to be 'perfect' according to someone else's rules, and life doesn't work that way. Didn't they ALL say that I was the exception to the rule? Am I not a paradox, an anomaly, at heart? Then why am I ignoring the path ahead of me, and wandering through the thorns to find someone else's, when it's not mine to walk and never will be? Why am I letting this bother me again? Why are these triggers still happening? Am I really that deeply scarred?
I don't know how to explain this to her. I enjoy talking to her, and I want to help her out, but I just... if I'm getting these horrible consciousness slips every time I talk to her, I need to let her know so we can do something about it.
Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe I'm just trying to find a 'logical explanation' for why I'm still having trouble standing up for my own morals and truths. Maybe some part of me is still absolutely terrified of what I've suffered in the past, and every time it's reminded of that, it causes the past to repeat itself... I'm just so tired of this. I don't want this causing another catastrophe, because I can't die this time, and I don't want anyone else having to suffer for my sins. What do I do?
But I don't want to think about that anymore. I've worried about it enough. Right now, there's a certain game on the desk right next to me, and every time I look at it I get that familiar heartache that I first recognized 8 years ago, in a crowded classroom, when my life changed forever.

... That game is Sonic Generations. I've spent the past two days straight playing it like a maniac, trying to get S ranks in everything but mostly just trying to get to whenever Chaos Zero shows up. Yes, he's in the game as a boss. And that is where that emotional burn is coming from. When I first heard that he was in this game (and not just in his Perfect form), the day before I got my copy, I swear my heart almost burst. It was two days after October 29th, the 1-year 'anniversary' of my failed suicide attempt, and it just... it hit me so hard. You know what, just read this. That explains it as well as I can hope to put into simple words.
Now as for why I chose that icon for this entry... two reasons. One, I did that exact thing today while talking to Laurie, who actually snapped and was tearfully screaming at me for about five solid minutes over how I've been slipping over the past few days. She pointed it out, specifically saying that I was obviously blaming myself for everything again, which ties right back into that entry I linked at the beginning of this one. She's not happy about that at all. But we settled that discussion on a good note, thankfully, as we recognized that I was fully aware of how I was slipping and now it was just a matter of whether or not I could stay conscious fully and long enough to keep any hacks from almost happening again.
As for the second reason... I adopted a similar expression today while talking to Genesis before my Music Recording class (which was absolutely awesome today) started. I always get to that class about 15 minutes early, and since it's in an audio room it's padded and dark, except for a projector which is usually hooked up to a Mac with a dim color-change screensaver on. So I just sit in there, in the quiet vaguely-colored dark, and talk to Genesis for a while before class starts. Today, the conversation was focused around a certain water demigod I know very well and love very much.
See... in Sonic Generations, I last saved my game right before the second boss gate. As it's after the 'Dreamcast era' stages, there's a chance that this boss will be Perfect Chaos, although I can't be sure. And as I was sitting there, talking to Genesis at 12:15 this afternoon, I admitted that I wasn't sure if I was ready to take that chance right now.
My heart's been more than a little fragile lately, but I've also been tapping into my catharsis attribute more clearly than I have in a long time. This is bad enough by itself, but with Chaos making a game appearance for the first time in 7 years falling on such a date, during a time in my life where he's been unfailingly compassionate as always... I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt.
The last time I played Sonic Adventure I ended up in tears, and he wasn't even onscreen. Now he's going to be right there, and now, with how deeply I love him and with what I've been through with him lately, I don't know how hard it's going to hit me. I'm actually choking up just thinking about it.
Honestly I don't want to fight him, really. SA is tough enough for me, and I'm still putting off the final level. I know it has to happen again in SG, what with the time shenanigans and all but... the last time I fought Perfect Chaos, it tore my heart to pieces. I... I've only written about it once, on IJ, back in 2008. It's how I got my cathedral wings, it's probably why I'm now strangely drawn to melancholic choral music, and I'll never forget what it felt like to have to face him like that, with so much pain between us. It broke my heart.
So I don't want to fight him again. I don't. It's why I'm hesitating now, even though I have the XBox to myself for the rest of the night, because something tells me that if I step into that boss portal and he is standing there, something inside me is going to shatter and I'll end up sobbing for the next few hours. I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to even risk it, when no one else is home for a while.
It's sad, because if I did break down in tears like that (and I inevitably will), nobody in this house would understand if I tried to explain why. Not even my mother, who knows that CZ and I have a daughter, for the love of Light, would understand. She just doesn't take it seriously. I don't think she understands what a love like this does to you. I don't think she understands how fearlessly devoted this is, how completely and undeniably true this is, even in the face of everything that's ever been against us.
Speaking of, there was so much more about him in that conversation I had with Genesis, and we had some very beautiful points... but I'll be putting that in glissando later. It's too deep to put here, as a simple recap.

Oh, and lastly... you know how in 2009 (the year I got this gorgeous commission), I had an orange Christmas tree (the old iMAGNi color of Love)? And how in 2010, I had an aqua and green tree (Chaos Zero's personal colors-- and his role in my life was incredibly vital last year)?
Well... this year, my mom just informed me that she wants our Christmas tree to be lilac and clear.
Yes, as in lilac and translucent ornaments.
I strongly doubt she realizes just what an insane amount of synchronicity that is for me... but all I can say is that my daughter is going to be quite astonished when her first Christmas tree is the same color as she is.



As for now I need to clear my head from this afternoon, and I wanted to update concerning today in any case.
Wish me the best tomorrow morning. I'm going to need it.

 

Now I am off to sleep, because I haven't been having my nightly headspace discussions recently and I really need one tonight.
I'll see you soon enough.