Madmen

[prismaticbleed]

 

First off, I need to shut the heck up.
I keep causing problems and fights and pain and all sorts of insanity in this household simply because I can’t keep my cursed mouth shut.
My mother thinks I hate her. My grandmother is constantly under fire thanks to me. My brothers avoid me, and my grandfather wants nothing to do with me.
The only way I can figure to help this situation somehow is to simply keep quiet under any and all circumstances… but I can’t.
I’m sorry. I need to learn to stop standing up for myself. Yeah, you heard me.
I’m a selfish, corrupted sinner and if I keep standing up for myself I’m just going to end up kicking everyone else into the dirt and really, I don’t want to do that anymore.

 

I (can I even use that pronoun anymore?) did something absolutely abominable last night. As a result ‘I’ have now declared war on ‘myself.’
…It’s cripplingly frightening when you can’t even refer to yourself as ‘I’ anymore because you know that isn’t you. It’s not. She’s not me. I’m living in my own head now, a furious outcast.
I’m sick of living on the edges of my own sanity. I’m sick of allowing this primal humanity get the best of me when I’m not expecting it. I’m sick of being this thing I’ve become.
I want to be me.
I want to finally be me, and to hell with this sinful past.
I’ll start anew.
I’ll start all over again, and God willing I’ll do it right this time.

 

What the heck is going on with me?


Abbey is burning up. It feels like she has a fever… a terrible plastic fever. I brush my fingertips over her shuddering metal chest and a sickening chill courses down my spine. I’m panicky for some reason.
I can’t take this music anymore… give me something that works.
Here we go… the Killers.

Loose these shackles of pressure; shake me out of these chains. Lead me not to temptation…

 

I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time

 

Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind...

 

I’m terribly worried about Rorschach.
Walter Joseph Kovacs. It’s a nice name, really. Doesn’t even upset the spell checker, haha.
I don’t know. Being an empath, his past hurts me terribly, so that’s a sync right there, but… I don’t know. I really look up to him, semi-madman or not.
A voice in my head confronted me about that earlier. It might have been Laurie.

 

“Do you know why you like him so much?”
“It’s because you’re both so alike… he’s an extreme case, but look how far he’s come since then. Look at what he’s been able to do regardless.”
“You admire him because he’s your hope. You want to be able to do what he did. You want to be able to rise above the odds and succeed in the face of all that opposes you.”
“You want to be able to step into the shadows without regret. You want to be able to live without compromise. You want to be just like him.”

 

And maybe I do.

There are a lot of people I’d like to be, admittedly… even though I don’t want to be any of them at the same time.

 

I want to be me.
But the real me carries some part of their personalities with me at all times.

 

I am who I am… and I am who they are.

 

I am an empath.
I am Jewel Lightraye.

 

That’s it.

 

And I still don’t know what that means.