bad news

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

I honestly think I've lost my mind.

No, I'm not exaggerating, and I'm not screwing around. I'm not doing well right now at all.
Life... pretty much sucks at the moment.
I have to get up at 6AM for 9AM class tomorrow and I won't be home until 2PM... but I don't mind, as that means I'll be away from home and that means away from stress. I won't have to listen to my mother belittle me about never being good enough, but she won't listen to me when I try to explain my desperation. I'm always being shot down and every freaking person in this house is a hypocrite... so they can be all nice one minute and the next they're stabbing you in the back. Every one of them.
But I don't blame them. They have it worse than I do, of course.
My grandparents are depressed most of the time because of the amount of work my mother ends up throwing at them, and they never get a break... my mom still hates her life and hates my father, my father never visits and he isn't paying for any of us, my little brothers have no interest in real life and would rather lay around all day doing nothing rather than face it, Viral plays WoW all day as an escape from reality and it's one of the few things keeping him relatively sane, and I'm simply going out of my mind from worrying about it all on top of what I have to deal with.
I have far too much college work to do, I'm panicking over finances, I need another job, I need a car, I need to keep my grades up high so I keep my scholarship, and I need a psychologist before I freaking snap.
It's so hard to sleep anymore. I used to be able to fall asleep within 5 minutes after collapsing into bed... now it takes up to 40 and I'm so freaking nervous beforehand I'm surprised I get any sleep at all. Heck, my parents don't...
I'm alienating myself from everyone I know... from my family, from my friends, from the people I love. And why? Because I am so freaking scared of what's happening to me that I can't possibly inflict that on them... on you guys... and frankly, I'm so out of it right now that I honestly couldn't work up the motivation to talk to anyone anyway if I wanted to. And I don't, which scares me as well.
I'm just too scared of myself... but I can't stop thinking about the pain I'm causing everyone else who's worrying even a little bit and I keep thinking about how selfish that is and I can't stand it.
It hurts like hell, honest to God.

I have a confession to make.
I've been self-abusing to frighteningly bizarre extremes lately, which, although I only do so to take my mind off the stress and/or to snap my mind back to reality, still frightens the life out of me. I absolutely hate the habit, although I've been at this since my childhood (I kid you not, it's sickeing), and I'm trying desperately to stop. Even so, I really am scared out of my mind right now. It's a little obvious.
I've become hypersensitive. The slightest disturbance in my self-inflicted isolation can literally drive me crazy-- I've flipped out and burst into tears, shaking and on the verge of screaming, several times for small or unknown reasons, because I'm that high-strung right now.
I'm shaking like crazy at the moment, actually, and my head and arms ache terribly for completely seperate reasons.
I've been 'unhinging' at a very frightening frequency lately. Those of you who know what that word means will immediately understand why I'm so freaking scared.
I'm dying to speak to three certain people but as I said earlier, I just can't work up the willpower. I feel so dead and empty and screwed-up inside, and the heartache isn't helping.
I even have to force myself to draw. Now that is bad, when I have to literally force myself to do the one thing I truly enjoy... the one talent I'm literally living on. It's all I have, and if I'm so damn screwed-up I can't even exercise that talent, then I am as good as dead. Honest to God.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do and I'm running out of time.




...I'm sorry.
I kept my mouth shut for the past 9 days because I didn't want to drag any of you down.
But the guilt got me as usual, you know. I just couldn't keep you all in the dark for another 7 days or God knows how long, wondering "where the heck did Spinny go? I hope nothing bad has happened..."
Unfortunately, kids, something very bad has happened, and neither you nor I have any power to change it.
That thing is called my life, and it can be one hell of a pain.


I'd better close up now... I need my sleep, and you guys need your peace. I'll stop ranting and spare your poor minds the trauma mine has been through. It's better that way.


Have a good night, guys. Don't worry about me too much.
I've been through this before, and I'll be going through it countless times from now until the day I die, which I fear is going to be unfortunately early at this rate...but I'll be okay.

...At least I'll try to be.