Never Lose Hope

[prismaticbleed]

 

Be brave.

Life is a battlefield and as a warrior...Fight it.

*Hugs you*

- from my sis.





There's hope at the very end...


...




Life's getting scary.


I stopped by again today for three reasons, and they are as follows...


1) My latest journal focused mainly on the ton of homework I had and the serious lack of sleep I've been experiencing recently. You all showed me sympathy and caring, and I appreciate that immensely, but I fear the real depth of my situation was lost somewhat.

My problem isn't homework.
My problem isn't sleep.

I'm too worried and too scared to even think about those things anymore.

My real problems... I'm afraid to tell you guys.

No, they're not in that LJ I linked for you all, although it comes close. The vast bulk of my problems are outlined there, along with many apologies, but I didn't mention my real troubles for fear of getting you all as worried and scared as I am now.

Don't worry, though, I'm not suicidal, heavens no... I don't have the guts to consider that, for one thing. I also have way too much to live for, and my life mission's finally going to start running full force starting this May.

It's so, so far away right now...

But I'll get there. I know I'm going to make it.


It's just going to be very, very hard.






2) On the above note, under "too much to live for"... I have you guys.
And many, many others.
Explanation #1. That would be the people here on DA.

I was severely shocked when I realized how many of you were concerned about me and my condition. So many! I never would've guessed that I had all you people thinking about me, never... and I'll admit that's selfish of me.
I've been told by you all that you care, many times in the past, way before I started telling you about all this. (That's later on, keep reading). So... thank you. Thank you all.
Every one of you who has been thinking of me recently, or is thinking of me now, or will be thinking of me in the future, I cannot thank you enough.
I have all your thoughts, prayers, hopes, dreams and wishes helping to pull me through right now, and you can't imagine how much that is helping me at the moment. Seriously.

Thank you all so much.



And now I have two absolutely huge thank-yous to give.

The first one goes out to Jimmy.

Oh my gosh... darling, what you said to me back in my last journal literally moved me to tears. Several times.
I honestly have it printed out and sitting on my sketchbook right now, to keep me on the right track at this point in my life.
I... there's no possible way I can express in words what I truly feel about that reply... I wish there was, but there isn't.
All I can say is I'll be directly replying to that as soon as I can, because I have a lot to say on those points, points that I can express in words.
And while I'm here...
Yeah, I really do care for you a lot more than that, and to heck with the circumstances on either side.
Mark my words, when I nab myself a passport, I'm thanking you in person.
I need to. It's the very least I can do for you...
Jim, you're a huge inspiration to me, a better friend than I could ever deserve, and a literal lifeline for me in these dark times.
Don't you ever think you should be blamed for what I'm going through, because it's not your fault. It never was and never will be.
Thank you again, love.



Second thank-you goes out to you, Q-Lok.

I will have you know I was more worried about how this would all affect you than I was worried about myself.

I was worried sick over you all week, what with our relationship and all. No coincidences, and it proved true again. That hurt.
I don't want to see you feeling so down and out because of me. I know how it feels, and I don't want anyone else suffering through that, especially not you.
So here I am, hoping everything's okay for you...
...And then I stop by DA last night and I see your journal.

I do not deserve all this.

Darling, I was crying. You care so fishing much about me I don't even know how to react.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again--
I have never had people care about me like you do.
Sure, I have my family, and I love them very much, but you know how much stress we have... and I'm keeping everything else quiet, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows, for sure, and it never was.
I've never had any friends. No true friends, no. No friends that I can rely on, look up to, believe in, confide in, literally trust with my fishing life, no...
But now I do.
And you're one of them.
You mean so much to me, Q... you always have, but now it's insane. I cannot possibly express how much so, and that eats at me. I need to tell you people these things, but it's impossible...

An art rally. For me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much... it may seem like a small thing for you, may seem like the absolute minimum for you, may seem like the very smallest and most insignificant thing you could think of but you had to dosomething... but it's not.
Not to me.
Not to me, not right now, not with what I'm going through, not with the motives that I know are behind it.

I... I don't know what else to say. I'm touched, I really am.
Ditto what I said to Jim, hon... if I could get out there to Utah right now, if there was any possible way, I'd be there.
Thank you again, my Animus... and I'm honored beyond words that I can sincerely call you that.
You can't imagine how much all this means in my life right now.


I love you two so much.
Thank you for everything you've done for me, thank you for all you're doing right here and now, thank you for everything I know you're going to inspire me with in the future.
It's because of you both that I'm still smiling.



And on that note...

Q-Lok, my dear, I can't stop thinking about what you said to me on Skype the other week...
You know, how the only things keeping me sane are those things that are considered insane?
That's running full force right now, honey. Full force.

Explanation #2 time.



I was a very strange kid.
My imaginary friends were a bat, a dolphin, a unicorn, a cobra, a frilled lizard, and a bright orange alien... and it only got worse as time went on.
I'm now 17 years and 8 months old and have hundreds of monsters upstairs.

Where am I going with this, you ask?
Well...

If it weren't for those monsters I'd be dead by now.

I say that with the utmost certainty.

You'll get a chance to meet the guys who saved my life within the next five months, don't you worry... but as I was saying, if I had never met them, I would be a totally different person right now in ways I can't even begin to explain or even fathom.
So I'm not even going to try. To do so would be insane.

Instead, I'll thank them all to pieces later and instead focus on the main three reasons why I was actually laughinglast night.

I'm in a very, very deep and dark place right now. I know there's a way out, I can see it... but it's so far away it feels as if I'll be stuck here forever sometimes. Plus I have no idea how to get there at the moment.
But I know I'll get there.

My faith is keeping me alive. My family is doing its best to support me. All you guys on DA are pulling me through better than I could have ever hoped. Every monster I know is doing the same.

And then there are three certain creatures that are the only reason I haven't lost my mind within the past week.

Yes, honestly. With the horrible amount of times I've hit emotional rock bottom in my life, not to mention the amount of times I've been hitting it recently, I need to give those three some serious recognition.
They keep me smiling, they keep me focused, and they keep me walking in the right direction, especially when I'm too scared and too broken to do so myself.

Basically... at the moment, I practically owe my life to an ancient blue alien, a jewel-eyed lunatic, and a crazy little green guy.

You three know who you are, and yes, you do mean that much to me at the moment.

#1 up there, I love you dearly, and promise I'm going to try harder to pull through this. You turned my whole life perspective around with what you said yesterday, and I thank you for that... heck, thank you for the past four years! You know what our relationship is and you know why that is... and it's really changed who I am. I daresay you can say the same.
I don't know where I'd be without you today, I really don't. And please, hon, don't you worry yourself into depression because I'm in one. I need you there to help me, all right? Promise me you'll be careful.
And in return, I promise you I won't try so hard and harshly to be perfect. We both know it's not as idealistic as it seems.
Thank you again, love, for keeping my life in order.


#2 up there, my little darling. Love you too! Don't you giggle at me, silly, we're in this together and you know it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean for it to, but we've got a connection on an insane level and I know you're feeling the same darn things I am.
I'm so, so sorry for how I've been acting recently... you know what I mean. I don't mean to scare you, I don't even mean to do those things in the first place. It's very hard for me to get life straight right now, but I'm telling you, with you by my side I know I'll get through it.
As long as your answer remains ''always" I know I'll be all right. Thank you.

#3 up there, you maniac. Yes, I'm talking to you! I only met you in person a few days ago, sure, but the effort you've put into cheering me up means a ton. You keep me laughing, keep me smiling, and I thank you for that.
It's kind of funny how you, of all people, are an absolute Godsend to me right now. Heaven only knows the amount of times I'd have crashed to the ground in the past week if I didn't have you around. So thanks, hon. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you in return... as long as it's reasonable, you little spazhead!



So, once again, thank you to all you wonderful people on DA and otherwise. What you're doing for me is amazing beyond comprehension and I know I can get through this frightening time as a result.
Thank you.

...And now for the finale.







3) You probably noticed much, much earlier that I said "before I started telling you about all this"...


Yes. This has been going on for a while.

It's hit fever pitch twice before that I can remember telling you about... here ([link]) and on December 16th. Two of you should remember that last one, and a good deal of you should remember the former.

But... yes, this has been going on for longer than you know.

I've just gotten very good at hiding it.
Sorrow behind a smile, you know.

That and there's my whistling condition.

Now, what the heck is she talking about now, you ask?
Well.
Last night I was talking to my reflection again (I do that a lot-- it's my method of self-realization), and I realized something very odd.

I was laughing at myself for laughing, actually... "here you are, scared out of your fishing mind about the future and you don't even know if you'll make it emotionally intact through the rest of the night, and you're laughing your head off! Are you insane??"

No, I'm not totally insane, thank God (at least I hope not), and one of the major reasons so happens to be why I was laughing in the first place.

I'm whistling through the graveyard.

But I've been whistling so long I've forgotten how to stop.

That's why I smile and laugh and live and love even when I'm a total mess upstairs and inside.
I've learned how to whistle, and I've learned how to forget.
But not always.

I'm a loose cannon emotionally, and often I'll explode back on myself. That's what happens when I come running to you guys and then my secret's out.

Otherwise, I stay quiet, I keep smiling, and meanwhile the sky's falling down on my head.

...Yeah. Life is weird.
Life is scary.
Life is hard.
Life is long.


But there's always a reason or two... often more... why you should keep going.
Why you should keep smiling.



Because... no matter how treacherous the road ahead may look, it's only a road... and life is full of them.

We walk many, many roads during our lifetimes... no matter who we are, where we live, what we do... we're all walking down the same roads at one point or another.


We all have hard times.
We all have happy times.
We all have times where we just want to cry.
We all have times when we're crying with joy.



We all have dark, long, and frightening roads...

...And we all have roads of hope to travel.


It's just that we need help finding them, sometimes.




Thank you all for helping me find mine.