092124

[prismaticbleed]

It's day 3 of treatment and I wish Iscah was driving. I'm STRUGGLING SO MUCH to not only ENJOY food but even to COMPREHEND its data, and I'm struggling even to be GRATEFUL because I'm SO TIRED OF PROCESSED FOOD & RUSHED MEALS. So many things still feel like threats, like acts of passive violence, like forcefeeding & forced starvation simultaneously. I miss the hospital meals that were not only "real" food but also satisfying to hunger & enjoyable. Why am I not seeing the unit food that way? Is it the social context? Is it the fact that I'm "not allowed" to eat mindfully? It's all so rushed. I'm being watched. And this diet is making the body sick & making it stink. It's terrifying & humiliating. I feel subhuman.
(If my body is inflamed & sick & gross, is this still "healing"? I want to FEEL & BE healthy.)

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TREATMENT GOALS BEGIN!!

♥︎ Be honest with yourself, others, and God in word/ deed/ thought
♥︎ Identify your needs = body, mind, heart, soul, & spirit
♥︎ Learn how to assert your needs with respect for all involved
♥︎ See & honor your inherent human dignity, especially in the Church Body
♥︎ Don't hide anything, be vulnerable and genuine, live Truth (Christ)
♥︎ Learn & routinely practice healthy/ positive/ edifying coping skills
♥︎ Actively pursue & build healthy, loving, edifying relationships
♥︎ Learn how to act as your own person of integrity in social situations
♥︎ Learn how to identify, welcome, integrate, & dialogue with emotions
♥︎ Learn how to compassionately yet firmly govern distressing emotions
♥︎ Find what gives you real joy & integrate it into daily routine
♥︎ Remember your purpose as God's Child & orient your actions to it
♥︎ Engage wholeheartedly in at least one creative act every day
♥︎ Nourish your body, mind, heart, soul, and spirit daily
♥︎ Integrate 3 joyful, purposeful leisure activities into daily routine
♥︎ Begin to participate in community life, especially with family & neighbors
♥︎ Stick to a healthy daily exercise routine
♥︎ Spend some time outdoors each day, preferably in nature
♥︎ Establish a church/ Adoration routine
✳ YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ENJOY LIFE!!!
✳ YOUR NEEDS DO MATTER AND DESERVE TO BE MET/ FULFILLED IN HEALTHY WAYS!

From social worker printouts=
● Identify 2 NEEDS that you STRUGGLE TO ASSERT. PRACTICE asserting them IN TREATMENT. Identify 2-3 ways you can CONTINUE to assert those needs to FAMILY/ NEIGHBORS/ COMMUNITY.
(BASIC SURVIVAL NEEDS DO COUNT. They're a good starting point because I CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT THOSE AS VALID)
✳ My first & most troublesome obstacle is CALLING ANYTHING A "NEED". I feel it's ALL OPTIONAL, NOT REQUIRED OR ESSENTIAL OR IMPORTANT, BECAUSE I MUST ALWAYS BE READY, AT ANY MOMENT, TO DENY/ IGNORE/ INVALIDATE/ ETC. THEM. I "MUST" PRIORITIZE OTHERS OVER MYSELF to VIOLENT/ DESTRUCTIVE EXTREMES. Yes, I DO LOVE PEOPLE & WANT to help them in ANY & EVERY WAY I CAN, and I WILL, but it's often "forcing" me to NEGLECT & even HARM myself IN ORDER TO DO SO. But there HAS to be a point of cooperation. I MUST find a way to MEET EVERYONE'S NEEDS. But before I can do that, I do need to DISCERN & DEFINE & ADMIT & ACCEPT MY NEEDS.
✳ A "NEED" is something ESSENTIAL; it is something REQUIRED FOR SURVIVAL. But... could a need ALSO be something REQUIRED for the FLOURISHING of my SOUL? Will/ does a "need" ALWAYS answer to/ sustain HUMAN DIGNITY, on ALL LEVELS OF BEING? What does it LOOK/ FEEL like, TRUTHFULLY, when a REAL NEED is NOT MET? How does one PROPERLY DISCERN a "need" from a mere "want" or "preference"? And when IS it proper TO sacrifice my real needs for the sake of meeting others' needs? How far is it morally right to push that, and for how long? When does it become "okay" TO meet my own needs again? "Is it EVER okay, or is that being demanding/ entitled/ greedy/ egocentric/ etc.?" Am I ALLOWED to set limits and/or boundaries? Or is that cruel, rejecting & refusing to let others in when they want to? Am I ALLOWED to say "no" when that is crushing the needs of others for my own stupid "comfort"? Am I ALLOWED to say "I can't" or "I don't think that's a safe/ healthy option for me" or "I don't know if I'm properly capable of that" etc. if I TECHNICALLY CAN, IF I STOP COMPLAINING/ FEELING SCARED & just MAN UP & DO IT FOR THEIR SAKE? What is the TRULY RIGHT THING TO DO??
✳ BASIC needs involve INHERENT HUMAN DIGNITY and they are therefore both UNIVERSAL & NON-NEGOTIABLE. You can deny that or try to finagle exceptions all you want; that DOESN'T CHANGE THE TRUTH, WHICH IS FOUNDED IN GOD. The dignity OWED to HIS CREATURES is for HIS SAKE, and it is a matter of OBJECTIVE JUSTICE. To deny that justice & dignity to ANYONE is a SIN. Stop & listen to yourself when you try to argue that you DON'T "need" love or care or the like. Would God the Creator say that about His Creatures, which He LOVES INTO BEING in EVERY MOMENT? Why can't I admit that I have needs & rights? I'd NEVER say that about ANYONE else, so why am I the exception? Don't insult your loving Father. Don't break His Heart. And remember... you CAN'T obey the Golden Rule, God's Law of Love, if you EXCLUDE YOURSELF.

✳ CONTINUING the "NEEDS" IDENTIFICATION, let's start BASIC & work by REASON. DON'T MAKE EMOTIONAL JUDGMENTS. They're too damaged to think straight. Focus on JUSTICE, to BOTH GOD & MANKIND (HIS CREATION) from a place of INTEGRITY, LOVE, MERCY, RIGHTEOUSNESS, & TRUTH.
✳ DON'T EVEN "THINK OF YOURSELF" RIGHT NOW. Think of JUSTICE & DIGNITY for THOSE YOU LOVE.
✳ YOUR BODY, MIND, HEART, SOUL, & SPIRIT ALL HAVE REAL & UNIQUE NEEDS!!!
✳ My body NEEDS to sleep well, rest well, & eat well. It NEEDS NOURISHMENT. That's a LAW OF LIFE. The problem is "cutting corners," asking "what's the MINIMUM I "need" to survive?" & acting as if even THAT is unnecessary excess or greed. BUT I'd NEVER put ANYONE ELSE under those constraints. It's CRUEL & MERCILESS & MISERLY. So WHY do I do it to MYSELF?
✳ I'm SCARED that it's a "zero sum game," that if I eat or sleep, someone ELSE must SUFFER for it. "FAMINE MENTALITY." It's anti-Eucharist. God wants ALL of us to THRIVE in SHARED LOVE & MERCY. Our COMMON NEEDS are MEANT TO BE FULLY MET IN COMMUNITY, TOGETHER, IN CHARITY! There is NO "BARELY SURVIVING" IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!
✳ I'm ALSO terrified because I RECOGNIZE the Good in Creation and I'm hungry for it because I'm HUNGRY FOR GOD. I WANT to eat. I WANT to rest & sleep & exercise & play & work & ALL the things God CREATED human beings TO do WITH their bodies. But I'm SCARED of having those wants "satisfied." That very phrase sounds evil. But saying "I'm afraid to have my NEEDS MET" sounds like a selfish, greedy, manipulative LIE, an exaggeration in order to suck others dry & use them for my hedonistic gain. It's sick. I still struggle to believe that my very existence ISN'T parasitic my nature. I feel like a predator, like a gulper eel, using "I have needs!" as the bait to draw in people I can swallow alive & destroy. WHY IS THAT HOW I SEE MYSELF. I'm like one of those horrid wasps that liquefies its prey from the inside out. I just feel like my NEEDS are INHERENTLY VIOLENT, even sleep & rest & food. "Something has to die for me to live." I hate it. God I hate it. Deep down I would rather die to keep someone else alive & safe. I bet THAT'S at the ultimate root of the anorexia. But there's ALSO the guttingly vulnerable obsession with "food" as a CONCEPT, IN THIS CONTEXT. Remember how hard I resonated with joh0002naga's art when I found it, the little creatures with tiny bodies & closed eyes, lying on plates & in glasses, pierced through with forks & knives, offering their little innocent selves up to be eaten. Something in my heart is OBSESSED with that. Can I only BE that IF I'm just as tiny & thin? Is that the only way I CAN be pure & innocent, "GOOD enough TO eat" in the most sacred sense? Otherwise, what can I be? A fatted calf? Is that still a sanctifying role? If I am fattened up to be slain in celebration, does that still make me good? Am I still innocent & pure? Can I be offered in the Temple? And WHY do I feel like self-gift in love to feed others REQUIRES that I STOP LIVING ENTIRELY?

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GOAL = EMOTIONAL INTEGRATION/ COMMUNICATION!
(when we say "emotion," we're really referring to currently unnamed/ faceless nousfoni, who HOLD our emotions.)
1) ACCEPT them. DON'T REJECT them. DON'T LABEL them as "BAD." I even want to avoid "NEGATIVE" until I understand that term better. Right now, just NOTICE when an emotion arrives, and ACCEPT that you ARE feeling it. DON'T PUSH IT AWAY, DENY IT, or SUPPRESS IT. It's REAL and it's here for a REASON. It HAS a TRUE MESSAGE in its HEART.
2) IDENTIFY it. This REQUIRES SINCERE ATTENTIVENESS to it & OPENNESS to FEELING/ SEEING it as FULLY as you can. NAME IT!
3) WELCOME it. EMOTIONS ARE A GIFT FROM GOD, TOO!! And they ALL are MEANT to SERVE HIM too. That's YOUR job, "King" by Baptism! You must GOVERN them, but with LOVE, not as "slaves" but as FELLOW CREATURES? And YOU are to RULE them LIKE CHRIST!! Which first REQUIRES EMBRACING THEM AS THEY ARE. They, and we, cannot GROW/ HEAL/ CHANGE unless we BEGIN from a place of BEING LOVED & RESPECTED.  Feeling unwanted/ unwelcome only FUELS NEGATIVITY.
4) SIT WITH IT. You're friends. You can't love without spending TIME together. Don't name it and then look away or run! Don't "welcome them in" but refuse to give them a seat at the table! Remember that poem by Rumi!! Even if the emotion "won't sit" & rages about angry & crying & restless, sit there WITH them anyway & let them know they're STILL "AT HOME" there with you. Sit and be an offer of peace & listening-- be a safe place for them to rest in.
5) DIALOGUE WITH IT. This is why God made Xanga. You MUST get on GOOD SPEAKING TERMS with them, that can grow into REAL FRIENDSHIP & LOVE-- and THAT'S TRUE HEALING & INTEGRITY! But it REQUIRES DIALOGUE ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S DIFFICULT, and you DON'T understand each other YET. THE WHOLE POINT is to DISCOVER, BY DIALOGUE, NOT ANALYSIS, WHY THIS EMOTION IS HERE & WHAT THEY NEED. Then you can work TOGETHER to MEET that need AS YOU ARE ABLE, with FULL RESPECT 7 SINCERE CARE-- NO PATRONIZING, NO GASLIGHTING, NO INVALIDATION!!!