to infinity, and beyond

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

(again, WIP for relevance as these take a LONG time to write)



forgive the cheesy title but it is actually very relevant!


(last night. INCREDIBLY significant date, mark it down boy!)

(started with trying to 'sense' people's energy, reaching out and tangibly feeling it. lynne was easily sensed, but when i tried to sense josephina, he knew i was there and hugged me, but he bumped my face in the process. that reminded me of melody for some reason and that made me feel so unsafe that i nearly had a ptsd breakdown, i had to run before i started hyperventilating.
listening to ipod to calm down, talking to laurie about it. jo showed up to talk too as he felt at fault. i said he wasn't, i had just reacted violently to what seeing him face-to-face reminded me of. josephina asked why, i said i didn't know, because mel never hurt me and never would, so why would the thought of being close to them (or any female-bodied person) terrify me so much? eventually we figured this was probably my fear of feminine characteristics (not femininity in itself) spiking again. i wished it would just stop, i was tired of becoming hysterical around women because i couldn't shake the fear that they were going to hurt me. i randomly asked jo if he could change his appearance a bit to see if that would help me not freak out, the first thing he did was give himself a darker skintone. he somehow comes across more clearly that way?? i didn't feel unsafe around him either, even in the exact same situations that would terrify me if he were his previous lighter skintone. see if that works for him as a permanent thing. but that was strange, it ONLY works with him, doesn't feel right for anyone else. huh.)
("maximum joy" comes on the ipod then and jo says leave it, we needed a moodswitch. i tuned in to calm down, ended up opening a oceanside cityscape mindscape, jo gets a convertible and we just drive around the place for a while, smiling and having fun. i was looking up at the sky as we drove, laurie and jo rocking out in the front, i remember just watching the scenery for a while and laughing, it was awesome. anyway we stopped driving at edge of town, got out of the car to talk and figure out what to do now (as we felt much better), when I suddenly felt something really bad at my shoulder. look, tar-celebi hovering there, horrific grin on its face. not moving, like it was "frozen" in time, that scared me to death. i was trying to smother my fear, jo and laurie started fighting it, when it began to strike back suddenly there was a gunshot, surprisingly leon had showed up, said he'd been keeping an eye on it? warped us down to tar room, i don't know if that was accidental? can't remember.)
(tar attack full-force, i had to shield us at one point as it was filling the entire room (we would have suffocated), but the bubble kept collapsing. laurie shouted for lynne, but the sound felt "flat," i realized energy calls couldn't carry out of the room, which was unusual and scary. so no one could hear us call for help. i told us all to stand in a square, maybe that would solidify the shield, but the "roof" began to collapse from tar weight. then we suddenly made it a pyramid shape (jo, laurie, and leon holding up a corner each, me in the middle for the point), changed the energy flow so drastically that the tar was blown across the room to the corner, solidified into jess form (old klonoa-hair persona), curled up on floor, emotionless and unmoving. i walked over to it to see what was going on, bravely asked it if it was okay, hoping maybe it had reverted. it hadn't; immediately began hissing and spitting at me, i think the tar "exploded" out of jess' body then, turned into razor. before it could hurt me there was suddenly another shield, lynne came storming in from the back stairwell, said she had just barely "felt" she was needed, assumed the worst when she couldn't find us, came down here. she walked over to me, suddenly i got an idea-- i took her bow & arrow and shot it at the tar, it worked. pinned it to the wall, huge awful thing hanging there. it was struggling though so i think lynne took the arrow back? but we shot several more arrows into it, now it was frozen, we figured we'd be safe for a while.)
(eventually everyone showed up, i think nathaniel was called in first, apparently he has LEGIT healing abilities which we really needed right now. i remember at one point he went over to leon to support him, he was really worn out. spine showed up too, with waldorf, both of them immediately wanted to know what in the world was going on. julie was last, somewhat kept to herself, she always looks like a war-weary soldier when tar stuff happens because she doesn't need to ask to know what just happened.)
(i forget how it happened, but somehow there was some sort of mindscape energy alteration in the tar room and it BROKE FREE of the arrows??? maybe i was even responsible i don't know, it's all a blur.)
(anyway, IMMEDIATELY the tar warped ONLY me to a weird semi-mindscape, no one else could get in. like a small room, maybe 20 feet on every side, pure black. the tar taunted me for a while psychologically, terrifying, but didn't attack me directly, it wanted to wear me down as much as possible first. i kept standing up to it, but it continued, then it sneered at me how I was trying to "fix the spectrum" and move up to White "like i was meant to," said it wasn't going to let that happen. then told me i needed all the other slots filled to have a full spectrum, it wouldn't let that happen either, it would undermine all our efforts-- just like it had pretended to be celebi, effectively worming its way into the actual spectrum. i think it then recapped how i was still losing sight of the truth in that respect-- i couldn't remember original roles or colors, etc, kept trying to force them on people blindly. to my total shock it said that this ALSO what menchou and veradenne were?? i was forcing splinters and unstable anchors unconsciously, that's why they couldn't stick or stay stable?? anyway then the tar got this horrible smile and said "if you want new headvoices so bad, here, let me help you!" immediately it plunged its hands into my abdomen-- it felt horrific, like being impaled-- but it GRABBED something deep in my energy field, and with a sadistic grin it RIPPED something out of me. it was still attached though, by all these thick muscle and vein cords. still the tar pulled hard, trying to break it until i thought i'd die from the pain. it split into razor, got behind me and pulled backwards, still wouldn't detach but it was close. then razor let go, took out a baseball bat and brutally beat the cords connecting it to me until it snapped. the force threw me and celebi-tar onto our backs, i hit hard, felt like i was dying. i was bleeding badly, barely coherent, couldn't think straight from shock. after a minute or so i struggled to sit up a bit to see, the thing they ripped out of me was on the floor by tar. it looked like a huge insect exoskeleton, colored all dark red-orange, didn't look alive. either way the tar kept trying to harm it more and 'kill it.' for some reason this terrified me and i was trying to fight them mentally despite feeling like i was dying. then at one point they were about to deal a lethal blow, and in a burst of desperation i put every ounce of energy i had left into one blind outward burst. it completely "shattered" the mindscape we were in, and dropped us into a plain white "bubble" of a room, dimly luminous and featureless, but it felt safe. i ran over to the bug-shell-thing and started telling it "you'll be okay," feeling somewhat hysterical and in tears. i put my hands on it gently and was trying to heal/ reassure it, but to my complete surprise it started to "melt." it changed from a red-orange shell into a greyish-black liquid thing, with a red-orange sheen instead, and immediately its form began to shift and change at surprising speeds. that's when stuff got CRAZY.)

(its form was warping like mad. to my surprise though, it took inspiration directly from my favorite design styles. specifically it was mirroring this person's lineless style-- when i had found it downstairs, i was euphorically shocked at how closely that style "reflected me" somehow. started off looking very much like this, some weird bug/ snake/ bird fusion: kept slithering around, melting, lots of legs or none at all, lots of size fluctuation too; it always had big weird psychedelic eyes and lots of teeth though. then as its energy "healed" from the shock and began resonating with mine to solidify, it began taking elements from these designs (this one stood out, with the feet). it also kept "holding" energy in its chest or abdomen in the same style, that felt very significant, almost sacred? it was odd. eventually it settled on a form VERY close to this, but its body was covered in lots of eyes (to listen) or lots of mouths (to talk), never both simultaneously. gained huge black wings when it did so too, that's where the eyes/ mouths formed. it only had one of either on its face.)
(talking was odd-- at first it sounded childish and somewhat manic, but in a pure way? not harmful or scary. when it stabilized in form, its voice was somewhat echoic, not over-the-top, more like the talking doves in NiER. also it sounded very male, almost like a few talking at once, in perfect unison. lower register. i don't think the mouths necessarily moved when it spoke? at least not always. it kept fishing into my energy to "translate" what i was feeling or expecting, but in doing so i would miss the actual message it was trying to get across. it reprimanded me kindly about this.)
(ALSO you know what i just checked and it's scarily relevant? i posted that lookalike creature on tumblr when i first found it online-- back on june 24th, 2011. that was 2 days AFTER a high point in a chain of events where i was getting brutally hacked again, and 2 days BEFORE chaos and i started the entire gorgeous chain of events leading up to july 7th. that's BIG. so yeah, it feels like this creature has been in "manifestation standby" for a VERY long time, waiting for the day when it could finally be born.)

(i remember asking it if it had a name, when it was still in its birdsnake form. it giggled and said it was "infinitee," specifically with two "e's," like a gleeful take on the word. it felt right, but slightly off somehow. i began mentally debating its potential "surname" in my head-- headvoice surnames reflect virtues or roles, not lineage obviously-- and thinking back to sburb, "eternity" stood out somehow. almost immediately "eternos" clicked solidly into place. the "two e's" bit of its first name still didn't work though. as a result i will call it "infi" for the rest of this entry haha)
(also it had no gender either? "it" felt clearest as it was neutral, but both "he" and "she" were equally viable energy-wise. it was cool.)

(infi said it had been formed FROM ME?? the same way the tar had been. the Tar had been trying to keep me from moving into my REAL slot, the white slot, since at least 2009! but sandman told me easter this year was the earliest i could move, now that i was stabilizing. the tar was very very mad now, hence the attack on holy saturday. anyway, the Tar was NOT supposed to be in the Black slot!! black is not bad, at all, also the tar room is under my cathedral of all places. the tar was stealing that slot in my absence, to keep its counterpart slot empty and corrupted (remember how messed-up the BLC was when we found it after all these years). now that i had moved, things were moving very quickly in my wake, to correct things, like the way nature will heal itself automatically whenever the things that are hurting it disappear long enough. whether or not the tar knew what it had just done, the part of me it "tore out" was VERY deep, but it had "needed" to be torn out? you know how paradox space works, it's weird. but that's what allowed this being to form, having that taken out of me. apparently that COULD NOT have happened while i was red, since white is the only "double slot" (if you hold white, you also hold black, and vice versa, paradoxically). so now infi, the REAL holder of the black slot-- who is my soul energy in a "different form" i guess? we both are LITERALLY made of the same stuff essentially-- could appear and begin moving into their rightful place. anyway, yeah, that's what this creature was.)
(ALSO!! this is why the Tar used Jessica AND Celebi as form anchors-- both of them had been formed BY me as PERSONAE that fell through utterly, as they didn't truly reflect me!! and since the black slot HAS to reflect me by its very nature-- white being my core color after all-- it HAD to use something like that before it could actually steal the slot. hence the real trouble with it not really beginning until AFTER it began to let go of julie; it no longer was "anchored" to her, as she had been the ONLY thing to latch onto in pre-headspace, being an introject and therefore a "breeding ground" for tar.)

(infi said this yin/yang energy between the two slots (and by extension, us) was very important in terms of creation upstairs, concerning the matter of headspace itself. it clarified that TRUE black energy upstairs was NOT tarry or sticky or anything like that-- it was starry, like soul forms!! apparently that is black energy's NATURAL STATE. i remember being shocked when infi revealed it was the true black slot holder for that very reason-- although its body was pure black, it had an oddly satiny sheen, and had 'depth' to it too. it was a soft and spacey black, not the thick and angry black of the tar. i wonder if white energy is similar when it gets corrupted??)
(infi then said there was something important we needed to do with that energy, that it needed to show me first. then it reached into my abdomen (didn't hurt like the tar did, it felt weirdly like infi's hands just "slipped in" instead of punching through) and took out a handful of my inner energy of that caliber. disturbingly enough it was the BAD black and it burned (like a brushburn, not fire), with a weirdly "clinging" consistency (not sticky, more like it was 'grabbing' your skin even though it slid). i think it also felt rough, like bits of glass were ground up in it. it was really scary to think that THAT was inside me. however, infi's personal energy (which it took directly out of that odd spherical cavity in itself) was this glowing pearlescent stuff, beautiful really, kind of warm and satiny like liquid light. so there was that major dichotomy between our outer and inner energy EVEN though they were technically the same stuff?? infi SPECIFICALLY reminded me of how, when i tried to "give" creative energy to people (the deep sort that allows me to shape headspace and whatnot), it was never red, it was ALWAYS BLACK, but the starry liquid sort, not the sickly sort in me now. i wondered what the hell had happened, reassuringly infi said mine was CORRUPTED in that specific sense, thanks to the tar hacking me so brutally, it was not naturally so disturbed-- so it needed to be healed ASAP if i wanted to function correctly. infi said it would do that for me-- it was the ONLY entity in headspace that could, due to its existence being tied to mine, and vice versa as well. )

(for this process infi warped us to a church!! i don't know how! it looked very much like the basilica (here and here) in washington dc, all white and stately and beautiful and BIG. we were on the altar platform in the middle, directly beneath a circular painting/ window ring on the ceiling. also we were surrounded by TONS of angels, all standing at attention, don't know why. they all had helmets of course! i remember looking up at them, one right by me looked down at me a little, not judging, just observing. i think i smiled at it. anyway the entire place felt very safe and bright despite an intense significance/ gravity.)
(although the energy-healing process itself was vague, i clearly remember when infi began channeling the pearlescent white energy into me; it very slowly lit me up, like water rising. very very serene, felt holy even. i knew i was glowing too, like an intangibly warm feeling as it lit me up from the inside. i kept hoping it would dissipate whatever tar was left stuck in me, as i didn't feel any of that during this process.)

(we went back to the bubble-space, i asked where we were anyway, it felt autonomous. infi said we were indeed in a "hovering mindscape?" it was literally a bubble. then to my surprise it "focused" the energy of the mindscape inwards into a small white sphere in its hands, about the size of a baseball. as it did, i could SEE its hands on the outside of the actual bubble room! then said it would "give me" that room, via the bubble, for safekeeping, as it had just been "created" in my desperate warp attempt, and it could not stabilize into actual headspace mapping yet since the tar room was currently corrupted of course (and infi belonged there, not the tar!!). it shrunk the bubble a bit more, to the size of a golf ball almost, then formed it into a sort of necklace (the bubble clasped onto a thin but strong gold wire, very simple) and handed it to me. said to wear it, to keep it close and safe. i looked at it gratefully, but somewhat anxiously (it felt like every action i made here was incredibly important), then i elongated the necklace a bit more so that when i wore it, the bubble would rest against my chest, under my shirt. that way no one would see it either. i asked if that was okay (i felt nervous about doing it), infi said yes, but to make sure i did not "slip" or become overwhelmed by heart-resonant energy as a result? there was a stern warning. i promised i would be careful. don't know why i felt so incredibly anxious when discussing that; i think i was scared that the tar would try to get to infi through me? too much lingering from the past few days maybe. but i promised myself i would keep it safe.)

(i had been searching for its true name this entire time, when suddenly it hit me. i incredulously asked if it was "infinity with two i's," and in response, it smiled at me in the warmest way i could ever have imagined. i knew that was right. then less than a moment later, i "fell" out of the bubble and into the tar room again. thank god it was still empty of tar; i guess it was still stuck wherever it had warped us to originally?)

(everyone was in utter shock, surprised to see me, especially as I had "glitch-popped" back over in midair, someone caught me, i forget who. anyway my entire body was still pearlescent and glowing, like a soul form almost, but more glassy. also i was actually deaf at that point, i could only tell what people were saying if i "tuned in" to their energy fields. my vision was fading too, images blurred and got jumbled mentally. lastly i could not speak either; i could only communicate by gesture, or by concentrating and "sending" thoughts to others, but that was hard. everyone noticed i was in a very strange condition and decided i should just rest for the night. leon warped us back up to central, laurie literally picked me up princess-style and carried me upstairs to my room. i think julie followed. anyway chaos was waiting for me, shocked at my condition, but i don't know what happened there as my consciousness literally shut down very quickly.)


(i told boss about infinitii this morning, laurie doesn't know yet actually, nor does anyone else.)