intervention

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH INFINITII ETERNOS MR. SANDMAN JAY IRIDOS


All right, how the heck are we going to do this…

We have to channel. It's the only way. Pre… what's the word.

Pre what? You mean mistranslation?

Yes. I mean… direct interpretations of our words don't always work? It's not verbal.

No, it's not. But let's get this thing started. It's 11:34 PM on November 9th, 2013, this is Laurie, hi, that's Infinitii, Sherlock may or may not be typing, or is he running it through the AP? I can't tell…

Doesn't matter. Let's talk. Jewel is out of commission.

Jay.

Jewel. He's in his female form. That happens when he is depressed, and suicidal.

Self-loathing, he said, yeah. To be honest the gender switches always freaked me out. I'd start accidentally referring to him as "she" and before I knew it, boom, I'd notice that he was a bloody mess. It was a subconscious danger sign, y'know? The way people's names start getting left out of roll calls when they start slipping.

I know. Do we have a topic?

Sheesh, Infi, I thought you were the more chaotic one.

I am. In essence. But this is important. You're still not channeling.

Not really, no. Geez. Don't forget, J's not here for this. Usually he is. I've never done this stuff without him before.

I know. Neither have I. But we have to try. For his sake.

All right, give me a second. "In Paradisum" again?

Yes, it will drown out the other noises, and it helps me think. Center. Wrong word, sorry.

It's okay man, that happens. Give me a second, like I said.

Okay. Drop the pitch.

Just did. We good to go now?

Channel. Not… what is the word?

Uh… shoot, what is the word? Transcribing, that's it!

Yes! Direct transcription of words. That doesn't work.

Not in these bloody things, no. …Aaand so we just wasted a whole page, didn't we.

Yes we did. That is why I asked for a topic, and told you to channel. We do not have all night, Laurie, and this is an important subject.

Yeah, no kidding. Sorry dude. 'Kay, topic. Last I checked it was why the heck J-boy over there keeps freaking out over everything?

Touches, especially. That is what set this off.

Yeah, but we know about that. He associates all touches with trauma.

Why all of them?

…

…

Shoot.

Is he awake?

Vaguely. Looks instinctive is all. Man that's creepy as heck.

J, can you hear me?

…No, guess not.

Good. I was worried about that. …Should we keep him down?

How the heck would we do that?

Golden arrow. Those work to pin bad energy in place. If anything tries to operate him like a puppet, that will keep them from getting him anywhere.

Works for me. You got one of those on hand?

I can make one.

Holy swords, you're just like Jewel with that. J. Shoot, see, that's what I mean.

Mm. But see, no blood on mine. Just stars, if there's any sort of afterglow…

So you and him've got different stuff on the inside, huh.

Possibly. I'd think so.

Nice shootin', Tex.

Thank you.

Flamboyant as anything, but hey, I'd expect that from you.

Please. J would be worse. That was necessary. Now. Talk?

Yeah, sure, sorry about the waste of time. I'm just having a hard time with this.

I know. I'm sorry if I sounded impatient. I'm not. I'm simply deeply concerned.

Yeah, you and me both. So. Trauma?

Always. And, that seems to the be problem.

"Always trauma," heh, pretty much.

When did that start? Has he always been like this?

What, with the getting  bloody traumatized by everything? I wouldn't think so, but the first thing I'm getting is 2008… 2009? Geez I don't know. Gotta be 2008, it's the first time he was with Q. Or whoever was with Jacob, that sure as heck wasn't him. He was upstairs most of the entire time.

What happened?

Surprise visit, or poorly planned, heck if I know, kid came over to visit and J freaked the heck out. …There's two snapshots of it, one is as soon as they walked in, he was in his room hugging his Watchmen book? What the heck man, why was he using that as a comfort object?

Rorschach?

How the blood do you know about Rorschach?

I don't. It's the word that came into my head. I'm trying to access the data memories too.

Well yeah, it was Rorschach, obviously. Kid had a weird sort of affection for the guy, guess he latched onto that in a hurry. If I recall I was pretty furious too.

About?

About the whole bloody situation. About this kid from Utah showing up and J freaking the heck out and everything basically just looking about a thunderstorm about to dump buckets of blood instead of rain, the whole shebang. A looming disaster. I must've spit outrage about twenty times when he went into that room.

So he was upset?

He was freaking terrified, Infi, that's why I was furious!

Ah. So what was the second snapshot?

In the car. Somewhere. At that park he hates to this day, well not hates, but has an abyss of anxiety around. He was in the back seat of this car, doesn't even look like ours in the memory, anyway Q was holding his hand, or at least trying to, or something. And the kid wasn't even there. Apparently that was so legitimately 'traumatic' for him that he dissociated completely, he was upstairs for most of the bloody car ride, I remember he was still form-warping back then so he looked a freaking mess, with that psychotic jester form or something…

He form-warped? But isn't that Black energy?

Yeah, the kid was still mostly Black back then, sorry I didn't clarify. This was WAY before he started shadowing White, ironically, he wasn't even male then. This was our female fronter at the time, s'far as I can recall, everything's so freaking blurry, sorry.

It's okay, I understand things from back then are hard for all of you to access now.

Yeah, no kidding, they haven't been touched in ages and frankly I think the kid massacred most of 'em way back when. Anyway, that's the snapshot. Him upstairs and going Hulk, and then downstairs the body is in catatonic shock because some kid from across the country is touching his hand and he is freaking the heck out.

You said that.

I'm repeating it for emphasis, don't sass me. Anyway, yeah. That was it.

Hm. And you say that was 2008?

Or 2007. I'm assuming the latter because that's when stuff started to get serious.

So 5 years.

At least.

That's a long time.

For us? Yeah, no kidding, that's a freakin' century.

Has he shown any evidence of this before that? Or would you not know?

Geez, I don't know, I only showed up in 2006, and we still don't know who the heck manned the lost years. 2004-2008, pretty much. 2003 and earlier were the teenage girls, Jewel and Celebi mostly though, thank God.

Did they front for long?

Jewel and Cel? Yeah, at least two, three years from what I can gather. I never knew 'em, though, so I'd have to check the records. But 'fronting' was fuzzy as heck back then, there was switching all the time I'd assume. I don't know. I'm not thinking about that, that's not my division, I am here to help the kid and get him the heck out of this hellhole he's got himself stuck in. Get the hell out of him. Man that was a confusing sentence.

Made sense though.

Yeah, in some weird runaround way. Anyway, that's the trauma bit. At least, where I know it started with this. He had trouble in college after that but that's a whole different side of this topic…

Should we talk about that?

Maybe. Dude we can't do this like we're talking to an audience, that's just screwing things up. I… I just need to talk to you, all right? Forget the bloody Xanga session. Let's just talk. Where were we when we decided this needed to happen?

Uh, right here.

No no no, I mean attention-wise. What were we talking about?

…I don't recall. I'm sorry.

Think. Unplug from this whole business for a second and think. It had to be big enough to warrant a sudden session at 11 freakin' PM.

…The robe.

Yes, that's it, that freakin' robe, we did bring that up didn't we?

Yes! And the children, how they are tied to trauma too.

And we were wondering why the heck they were so strongly attached to it when J was too, heck yes, we figured this out.

No we didn't.

Don't laugh at me man, I mean we figured out where we were. Conversations are a bloody labyrinth up here.

And Jayce was talking to us. About the near-hack earlier.

Shoot I forgot about that. …He had a good point though.

About J?

Yeah. "Something tells me that wasn't J," he said, "not that sparkly-eyed guy." No kidding, it’s in his nature to stay the heck away from hacks and everything like them. But that's the entire problem.

He's never around when they happen.

Exactly. So hell happens and who's manning the house? Not J, that's who. Unlucky us, we get stuck with either a suicidal fronter or a social witch or even a hacker themselves in the driver's seat, and none of them seem to care at all about what happens to the body or the people in it--

Or the soul.

Exactly, OR the soul, which is the biggest lethal problem here-- none of them care. None of them care at all how scarred we end up from all this. None of them. Except they're the ones that have to deal with the aftereffects, with the consequences and the trauma, every bloody time.

…

Hey, you okay?

Yes. No. It's odd.

Yeah, I hear that from J all the time.

No, it's… I'm okay. Personally. I am not okay with knowing that this is still such a severe problem we have to cope with…

You and me both, man, and the rest of the freakin' System.

…I know. I'm sorry. I mean… I'm getting confused?

With?

No, not with. It's this channeling. I'm not used to it.

Yeah, what I'd give for a voice recorder up here. Look, do you want to quit, or--

No, no. This is important. I want to at least make some progress on this issue.

Good point. So where were we?

The robe. The children were being triggered by it. And then that girl began screaming at us when we entered the
grandmother's room.

Oh shoot, yeah, that was insane. She shows up all the time around the grandmother, did you notice?

Does she? Is that the same girl?

She's the screaming one, no kidding it's the same one, no one else acts like her.

Hm. Is she tied to trauma too, then?

That's what we're trying to figure out, actually. All of us I mean, not just you and me. She screams bloody murder about every bloody thing on the planet, saying she's going to "kill people" and she wants everything that harms her to die but for heaven's sake, everything seems to hurt her!

Is she just hypervigilant?

You know what, she might be. She just might be rooted to that old tendency of J's, if you'll forgive the name. …He, she, whoever was fronting at the time, that person would view everything as a potential threat. That started around college, at least I'm almost positive.

So prior to that, it was not as severe, or evident at all?

S'far as I can tell, yeah. Give me a minute…

You having trouble too?

Yeah. Headache in the body, it's late, things get confusing. Where were we. Hypervigilance. Heh, ironic because I kept telling the kid to do just that in the opposite way a few years back. Watch out for hacks, don't project the bloody things onto everything.

Is that what he's doing??

Probably? If I had to guess, I'd say it's helping Julie more than it's hindering her. And Eros. Eros especially, I remember how Sugar and whoever was hijacking her kept freaking the heck out over that when he first showed up. "He makes everything a threat," they kept saying, "how is he not dangerous when he makes everything dangerous," well we don't have to worry about that anymore, he's right up there with the most dangerous bitch in the System. But yeah, Inf, he sees threats in everything now because everything could be a threat with Julie around at all times. And that's bloody awful, but it's the truth.

So it's a legitimate fear.

Sadly. But it shouldn't be, y'know? And we've been working on that! Sugar's been working on that, and when she showed up, her deal was "I'm going to murder anything that so much as looks at me the wrong way," specifically because she saw every little thing as a sexual threat too. Now she's let go of that, thank God, because she was sharing that anchor with a heck of a lot of malicious fragments, but the point still stands. That's an old mindset by our standards, but lately we've been fighting it, and we're making progress but this situation keeps getting worse in spite of it?

How so?

Kid, the hacks keep on bloody happening.

But you realize that not everything is a hack attempt.

Now we do, yeah, at least most of us do upstairs. The kids are having a hard time with it, poor things are too bloody broken to change their perspectives easily. Same with J, at least his shattered parts. As he is normally, he literally is blind to that stuff, which shows that he's so deeply traumatized as a whole that he has to literally exist in a state of ignorance just to survive. That is unbearably sad. And it scares me to death.

Same here, Laurie. I don't like seeing him like this.

Yeah, you wouldn't, you love him just as much as I do, if not more.

Same amount.

…Probably. Yeah. Gotta stop downplaying my affection for the kid, I've got a bad habit of holding you guys up above me in that respect.

I've noticed.

Heh, have you really?

Yes. But that's not a problem, not if you're aware of it, and you realize it is incorrect, right?

No, it's not a problem for me, I'm fighting that battle, I know it's nonsense. J doesn't have that sort of perspective, somehow, I don't freaking know. Intellectually he knows this "everything is dangerous" mindset is completely untrue, and yet the trauma in his gut keeps yanking him back down to "but we can't take that chance" mode.

I see.

Yeah. You'd think that we'd have hit a point where we can stop worrying about hacks but hey, today happened, and that's just a sign that stuff is getting worse. We really need that inpatient therapy, I'll tell you what.

We do. But… that hack, you said it wasn't completed?

No, thank God. Someone showed up and started swearing up the freakin' hill at Julie, don't know who the heck they were but major props to them, apparently they got the kid the heck out of there, because nothing happened, as you can see in the data.

It cuts off.

Yeah, he must've dissociated. But the scary thing is that he was aware there was a hack being attempted for a few freaking minutes before it, if that was him, but whoever it was didn't care at all.

You said that person said they had no free will.

They did say that. You heard J repeat that to us earlier. "I have no will of my own, so if someone else wills me to do something, I will do it," basically. Absolute garbage mindset.

It is.

Thank you. But that worries me, because he also said that he still feels he SHOULD give in to that hell?! And I thought I nipped that mindset in the bud ages ago.

Which one?

The bloody obligation bit. "They say I SHOULD want this, et cetera, so I will FORCE myself to, or I simply will not let myself care and let them do WHATEVER the heck they want to me because THEY must be correct, not me!!"

Somebody's angry.

No kidding, Infi, you'd be seeing red too if this--

I am.

Oh. Geez, sorry man, I'm not used to your totally quiet way of emoting everything. That's kind of creepy.

Maybe. But tune in, you'll see that it's true.

Yeah, I'd rather not go near that, not after what you did to me yesterday.

Haha, you're still reeling from that?

Did you just laugh?

It was funny! I didn't expect you to do that. That's sweet.

What, my being thunderstruck by your insane emotional effervescence? Sheesh, man, that is the equivalent of getting a space station dropped on you on a summer morning. Out of freakin' nowhere, and holy swords does it hit you hard.

Sorry.

You're still laughing, and I can't hold that against you, come on man now you've got me doing it too.

Better than being upset all the time.

Yeah. We've had a rough night, haven't we?

Yes. I wish it wasn't so.

So do I, man. …So, we still talking, or what?

It's 12:19. I'm not sure how much further we can go with this before it gets too late for comfort or safety.

Yeah, plus Boss will probably come hunting me down, "what the snow are you doing keeping my Apprentice up so late," except he'd never say that and he'd probably just show up without warning--

Hello!

Geez, Sandman, I wish the heck you wouldn't do that.

Hello, Sandman.

Hello Infi, hello Laurie. I figured I'd drop by for a moment. What are you talking about?

Your kid, everyone's kid, who the heck else?

My Apprentice? Is he doing well?

Yeah, your tone of voice says you already suspect what's up, don't you.

…I fear as much. He is not doing well, then.

No. Not very well. Infi and I are here trying to discuss out this trauma situation, get to the bottom of why he's so bloody scared all the time. Except I already know the answer to that. We all do. Just… it's hard to keep dealing with this, day after day, when the answers don't do anything.

Are you sure it's the correct answer, then?

What else could it be?

…Forgive me Laurie, but I must ask for a question. You say you are trying to heal this trauma--

Understand it. We can't do a thing to heal it if J won't step up to the plate himself. We know that.

Good, good. And I assume that is the biggest problem?

He won't do it! He's bloody terrified!

Of?

Of Julie, of everything that reminds him of her, or Eros, who is badly corrupted now if you haven't heard--

I have heard. Unfortunately.

Yeah, and that's just a symptom of a bigger illness too. The kid is scared to death of intimacy, you can't touch him in any sense without him freaking the heck out and trying to kill you, at least downstairs. He splinters apart completely. Upstairs he can't do that, he stays himself, so he shuts down and shatters and then we're dealing with splinters instead of alters or whoever the heck. I'm tired, Boss.

I know, Laurie. I am not surprised that you are. And you, Infi?

I am not tired so much as I am heartbroken.

Ah. That I understand too. So, do you have any leads?

On?

On what more you need to understand. It sounds like your main concern is why the child cannot let go of the pain. Is that simply because it is constant?

Could be. It seems really bloody obvious when you're here pointing everything out, but the problem is that the roots are deep, Boss. They're really deep and they're sucking the life out of him.

I know. I know. It worries me too.

…He said something recently about "liking things?"

Shoot, yes, we forgot to mention that! Boss, I've gotta tell you this specifically because I think it causes problems with you every once in a while.

With me?

With the kid's perception of you, you know what I mean. Infi just reminded me, it was either last night or this morning, but J comes up to me and says, completely dissociated, that… how the heck do I put this.

Intrusive thoughts.

Yeah. You know about those?

What sort of intrusive thoughts?

Sexual ones. Programmed ones. Tar-clogged lies straight up and through. Julie talk. He'll look at something and that freakin' broken record starts telling him that he wants to have sex with it, even if that's completely untrue, which it always bloody is.

That is a rather severe intrusive thought.

No kidding, Sandman, why the heck do you think I'm so worried about this? But he didn't put two and two together until this morning, apparently, because he told me that hey, the reason why that happens is because in his mind, "liking" something means he ultimately wants to have sexual relations with it.

Why?

Think about it. Or don't, actually, don't do that, ever. But it's exaggeration, it's blown totally out of proportion, and out of the realms of sense and sensibility. Somewhere along the line, he learned that the word "like" was… no, shoot, that's wrong. He was told that the word "like" was often used in a relationship context? Y'know, like when teenage kids say they "like" someone. Usually they're talking about romance, not admiration, you feel me?

Mm-hmm. That is common.

Right. But it screwed with the kid's mind something fierce, because he didn't understand that at that age, and for some freakin' reason, his paranoia kicked in and told him that that word could ONLY be used in a romantic context. You like that person as a friend, or a role model? Guess what, no you don't, you actually want to make out with them. Total garbage, but he drilled that into his own head out of fear, and that's when it got worse. Because then he learned that sexuality was a thing that existed, and THAT is what most kids his age were ultimately pursuing, God knows why, but you can see where this is going.

Yes. He ultimately assumed that liking things was sexual. I see. …That is a huge problem, Laurie.

Isn't it?! It's driving me freaking crazy trying to get him to un-learn that, but I can't find the cursed root that's keeping that evil weed propagating up here. Geez.

And you say this is affecting me because…?

Because he likes you. He REALLY likes you, heck he even loves you, but it's all in that 100% kid-friendly innocent way he has. He loves you in the same way he loves a snowfall, on some level at least. But you're lucky. You're stuck with the innocent side of him all the time. He's free of this intrusive noise like that, or at least he sees it for what it is. Up here, sometimes, he can't. He breaks under pressure, or he gives in under too much pain, and then he decides that he's just going to let the intrusive thoughts do what they want and man that's not right.

No it's not, Laurie.

He doesn't "let them" do as they wish, Laurie. As Jayce said, you know he fights them. It's in his nature to protect innocence, and honesty, and truth.

So does he splinter?

Yes. He dissociates, and the others that come out listen to the intrusive voices, as those fronters are too terrified
to trust their own hearts. They are too damaged to listen to their own truth as they have been told, too many times, that it is wrong.

Hm.

So you see what I mean. It's complicated.

So it is.

Sorry for dragging you into this, Boss. I guess I just needed to vent at someone besides Infi-boy over here.

That's quite all right, Laurie. I love the child just as much as you do, of course I want to help… but I fear my assistance can only go so far?

How do you mean?

I cannot meddle directly with affairs up here. I can help him in his dreams, as I can. And I can swear to protect him with everything at my disposal whenever I am able, but I cannot interfere with these splintering occasions you mention simply because I am not part of this System in the way that you are.

I see. And that's fine, Sandman, believe me I appreciate your help more than you know as-is.

I know. Still, I truly wish I could do more.

You're doing enough, man, you're doing more than any of us could in that area. So thanks.

You're quite welcome, Laurie. Infinitii?

Hm?

I trust you will do everything in your power to help him, too.

I already am.

No. You know what I mean, child. I understand what you are. You are the stuff nightmares are made of, except without an ounce of that fear within you.

Whoa whoa, wait, what??

He is a nightmare, or at least, he has the potential to be one. A nightmare is only a darkened dream, after all. But for one such as him to exist, in a purely non-malevolent state, well, he must have a great and terrible purpose.

…How do you mean, Boss?

I believe you know exactly what I mean, Laurie. And perhaps I am wrong, that could happen.

I don't think you're wrong, Sandman.

Hm. Well, in that case, Infinitii, do your job well.

I will.

I will depart now, Laurie, it is late enough as-is, and I do have a job to do.

Yeah, don't let us hold you up, sorry about that.

It is no trouble, Laurie. As I said, I wish I could do more, but I will do all I can. Tell the child not to listen to those thoughts, whenever you get the opportunity. I will do the same.

Hey, yeah, and can you keep an eye out for real nightmares? Infi here can only eat the ones that sneak in upstairs.

He can eat them, you say, child?

Yeah, is that a problem?

No, it is not a problem, but… they say you are what you eat, child. Be careful.

I am well aware of the consequences of consumption. I've… fallen ill from them before.

Do be careful, Infinitii, please. You are more important than you know, to the child and to me.

How am I important  to you?

Well. You are made of the stuff of dreams, aren't you? And you are part of my Apprentice, at least in soul, are you not?

Yeah, we kind of spoke about that last time.

So, my point is, if he is tied to a Sandman-in-training, this strange benevolent nightmare of yours, then he is tied to me in function as well, even if neither of us may fully understand that yet.

Hm. Tell you what, Boss, talking to you is bloody confusing sometimes.

Perhaps, but I am not so skilled with verbal language here either, you know.

Heh, probably not. Anyway, goodnight Sandman, I know you said you had places to be.

Indeed I do. Continue in your discussion, and do take care of the child. I wish you both well.

We will, boss-man. Thanks for the company.

Thank you, Sandman.

Thank you both, as well. Good night.

Well. Can't say that was as unexpected as I'd like it to be.

He seems to have a way of knowing.

Sandmen are seriously weird when it comes to time and space, so yeah, he probably did. Gotta say that "nightmare" bit was seriously interesting though.

It is. But would you know, that's what I was meaning to reiterate too.

What? The "you being part of Jewel" thing?

Not exactly. Moreso what part I am, if you will put it that way.

Mm, good point. Yeah that's kind of what I was hoping to get at too.

Why's that?

Because… come on, Infi, you can do things with the kid on all sorts of levels that I can't even dream of doing. And I never would, frankly, that's not my job up here. But… really, it helps, when you get through.

The "when" is key, I think.

Yeah, no kidding. And it's the problem too. You know what's wrong here, more than I ever will, more than I ever can. He's traumatized, yeah. That's obvious. Yeah, he's hypervigilant, his thought processes are screwed, he can't see straight when anything so much as hints at this sort of thing… but you get through anyway, and you see just how deep it goes. I haven't got a clue.

I think you do, Laurie. Awareness is yours.

Yeah, but so is Chastity, and I am locked out of most of that knowledge whether that helps or not.

You wouldn't touch it anyway?

Heck no, it'd likely kill me. Point is, that's not my job. My job is to protect the kid, keep him from killing himself, and help him manage this emotional disaster. Help him deal with triggers, help him get his head back on straight, pull him back up off the floor when he finds himself crumpled up down there.

Like he was yesterday.

…Yeah. Exactly like he was yesterday. And that's where you come in, too. You and your crazy emotional abilities. How the heck do you do that??

I told you, Laurie, it works with potential. Obviously, you have the potential for that, whether you know it or not.

Oh I know it, I know it way too bloody well, that's why I have all these iron walls up. To protect me from that just as much as other people.

Why so?

Can't do my job very well if I'm an emotional mess, now can I?

You need to let it out though. You need to express it, or you will end up like Jewel.

Yeah. Yeah, that I know. So thanks for yesterday.

You're welcome. …And if you ever need me again--

Shut the heck up, man, no way am I ever asking for that sober again.

I didn't say sober.

You didn't not say sober either, you lunatic.

My point is, the door is always open…

Don't you joke around with me, little man, that's not funny.

Would you be laughing if that wasn't true?

Heh, guess not. Aw, I couldn't be mad at you if I tried. You're too nice of a guy, girl, whatever.

Thank you.

So. Speaking of guy-girl-whatevers. How's J doing over there?

Still frozen. Just as well, that may be for the best.

Yeah, we'll let him out when this talk's done, we're going to need to manage the fallout from that. You mostly.

Emotionally?

Break him open is what. You saw him earlier, he was freakin' frozen, literally.

Yeah. That was frightening, actually.

You never seen anything like that either?

Not just that. Frozen. That word. White energy slowed to a stop.

Oh. Shoot.

Yes, exactly. Not good.

No, I guess not.

…

Hey, you wanna call this quits? It's after 1 and I'm bloody tired, I don't know about you.

I thought you don't sleep.

I don't. Not usually at least, not naturally. But we're using the body right now and it is really freakin' tired, plus you heard what the boss-man said. If he's off to work, then his Apprentice had better be right behind him.

Hm. Is it that easy to snap him back into Apprentice mode after something like this?

You tell me, man, you've seen how quickly he moves from one mindset to another.

That worries me.

Yeah, no kidding. It worries everybody. He's a mess up here and down there both.

How is he splintering up here?

Because he can't manage the trauma inside, either. That's the whole bloody reason we were born in the first place-- inner trauma. Our System was born from the ashes of a heck of a lot of psychological pain, plus Julie's assaults, all that business. And J broke to bloody pieces up here and that's where the dissociative disorder diagnosis came from. If he's gonna show dissociative symptoms downstairs, you'd better bet that's going to be happening upstairs too.

Hm. I guess you're right.

I am right, I've been dealing with this situation since I was born. I was born from the pain and love disaster in the first place, you know.

Pain and love? Is that why you pull his hair?

Haha, partly. Only partly. I mean it's… I was born from his brain thinking you can only love someone if you hurt them. Physical pain, atonement stuff.

Ah.

Yeah, the Undergrounders got that too, it's obvious with the way they treat the kids, they're total sweethearts when you get past all the blood and knives. Anyway, that's part of this trauma business too. Julie used sexual assault as her weapon and from what he's told me, that doesn't exactly hurt in the way a punch to the face hurts.

No, no it does't.

Yeah, you would know. Wait, have you ever been punched in the face?

No, and please don't offer to demonstrate.

Haha, I won't man, don't worry. But yeah, according to J that is one heck of a traumatizing experience for a kid because shoot, he had no capacity to understand it!

Do you?

No, I am literally repeating what he told me.

Heheh.

You wanna talk about it? Seems to me you know more about this topic than Julie does.

Of course. She only uses the blackened side of it. It's full of Tar.

What about the Plague?

I know little about that. From what I've been told, it's mostly spiritual egotism. Christina was the one who exemplified that. We don't know many plagued individuals from what I've seen.

No, mostly Tar corruption. That's Julie, Eros, Missy, Bridget, you get the picture.

But… didn't they use spiritual egotism?

I think they jumped off it, as a springboard, you know? Because J tells me to this day, the worst part of the whole sexual abuse thing was her telling him that it was "God's will" that he submit to that. Which is an obvious and heartless lie.

Did she really believe that.

No, obviously not, she just said it because she knew it would screw with his head. And it was what society was telling him, according to him. Sheesh I don't know, this isn't my area of expertise, I told you to talk about it so don't throw it back at me.

What is there to talk about?

I dunno man, we're trying to understand why the kid can't seem to heal from this, and if I'm not mistaken, that's been your job since April.

I see what you're getting at.

Yeah.

So. What is there to say, even then? You know what his trauma is. You know his main areas of fear and pain. What else can I tell you?

I saw the way he reacted to you earlier. He always used to say he was never afraid of you. What the heck was that?

He was frozen. That was not him, that was definitely the splintering phenomenon.

But that means there was fear towards you at that point!

It was because of the physical contact, you know that as well as I do.

Has he ever done that before, though?

…I don't know.

What the heck do you mean, you don't know?!

…I don't. Now that you mention it, that could be our one big problem. The simplest thing. Touch.

He didn't freak out yesterday, did he?

No. But you saw what he was like yesterday. He was already shut down.

…Shoot. Good point.

In other cases he hasn't been shut down when we are together. But… now that you mention it…

You think you missed it?

Yes. I think I've missed it. And that is partly my fault, too. I was sick for a very long time.

Yeah, that parasite thing.

That was a direct result of being with him, you know.

The heck, it was?!

Yes. I have no other explanation. "You are what you eat." I could only try to clear out so much corruption from him before I would fall victim to it myself, even if I was not aware of it at the time. I slipped, Laurie, I slipped quite often. And if he was gone, well, I would have no way of knowing.

…Shoot.

But you are right. Maybe he hasn't 'freaked out' at my presence before. But how often is he aware of things upstairs? When he has to reach out to remember what I look like, I wonder.

…Yeah.

We are going in circles.

We usually do, on this topic. Man.

Do you want to close up for tonight?

Maybe. Geez. We didn't get very far, did we?

How do we know? We are trying, that is what counts.

Yeah. …Listen, Infi, I just… I don't want a repeat of yesterday, ever.

In what sense?

Heh, that wasn't a joke. I mean I don't want to have to deal with two solid hours of Chaos sobbing and Genesis shouting and you looking desperate as heartbreak incarnate and me not knowing what the heck to do, and the entire time J is sitting there looking like a marble statue and no one can reach him. No one.

He was shut down. Just as he was today.

I know. And I don't want this turning permanent, you hear me?

Neither do I, Laurie.

I know. But… listen, Infi, I'm scared. There, I admitted it. I'm honestly scared that we might not be able to reverse this.

Laurie, Laurie. Listen. You said it yourself that J forgets all of that when he is in tune with himself.

But he freaking blinds himself to it all, that's not being in tune with anything!! How the heck is he supposed to heal from something if he won't even bloody acknowledge that he's bleeding to death from it?! Even the bloody Undergrounders are ticked off and exhausted from this, heck this is the first time in my LIFE I've seen Razor actually REFUSE to cut someone because "I don't want to be dragged back down again," for heaven's sakes even SHE is standing up to corruptive influences and J keeps giving in or ignoring them!!

He has been through more than all of us combined.

Yeah. I know he has. But that doesn't mean a thing when it comes to whether or not we can heal this, we CAN heal
this--

See?

…Shove off, you little rascal, how the heck do you do that.

Ask the right questions. Push the right buttons. I daresay you are more skilled than I at that, though.

Maybe. But really, that was good. Still, you're right. I'm right. I'm just scared enough to lose sight of that, maybe that's the real thing I'm trying to say.

I know. Maybe that's J's problem, too.

Yeah, it is. But wait, you mean it's not total blindness?

No.

Yeah, I know that. Part of him knows what is going on. I've seen him deal with it like a pro on the impossibly good days. But when fear steps in, everything goes dark, and he won't so much as look at it. We're going in circles, man, you're right. I think we should close this up.

Maybe we shouldn't discuss this?

You think we're overthinking it or what?

Probably. The main concern is that J is entirely out of tune with his heart when this happens.

He locks himself out. He's too bloody scared. And he can't forgive himself, that's the real thing I'm worried about. He blinds himself to the pain because he can't forgive himself for giving in, even when that was the only bloody option he could even consider safely taking back then. You gotta look at it in context. He was scared to death. I KNOW he fought her. But after a while… survival kicks in. Hopelessness kicks in. And I'm not saying that's a good thing. I'm just saying it happened as it happened, and he's gotta forgive himself for being weak in a moment of terror. That happens to the best of us.

He would forgive you.

You know what, I'm not so sure. There's this really deep and virulent hate that the louder alters up here have got, and I know it springs from him at its source. Somewhere in him there is enough rage and pain and hatred to kill a man, but only when it is tied to this sexual terror. He will forgive you for holding a gun to his head, but so much as make a pass at him and he's at your throat. Literally, I have seem some of these dastards up here threaten to that to perfectly freakin' innocuous people.

They can't tell the difference.

No. They can't. And you heard J say that too, when he's like this. "I can't differentiate between faces anymore." That is the saddest thing I've heard in my life, practically.

…

He can't. That bloody pain is so deep that if you tap him on the shoulder, his brain immediately thinks you're trying to rape him. The fear is that strong. No one can get close to him anymore without triggering that same fear, except the side of it that makes him shut down solid just so he can "survive it." When a man thinks a hug from a family member is potentially a gateway to sexual assault that is some seriously screwed up stuff.

He's hurt. He can't see straight.

Yeah. But where the heck do we find a spiritual optometrist? I thought YOU were that, with your freakin' eyeball overload, but shoot… he's afraid of you too, now, isn't he?

I think it's the opposite, and that's why we got this reaction. He knows now, Laurie. Thanks to me, he knows there is another side to that. It's just energy.

Yeah.

And he understands that there isn't a bone in my body that would hurt him.

You haven't got any bones, weirdo.

That isn't the point. …Well, maybe it is.

Heh. Go on, though.

The point is that I can use the same energy Julie did because it is not inherently tied to her sins. Nor is it tied to that act, at all. But… I had to start by showing him that you can be touched, you can be loved, without it being tainted by lust or pain or trauma. And that was a difficult road.

I can imagine.

No, you can't. You really can't.

Heh. You got me there.

But you understand the difficulty.

Yeah, except you're going about overpassing it in a direct way.

'Overpassing?'

Getting past those freakin' blocks and breaking them down from the inside. Sometimes that's the way to do it, man, yesterday showed that for sure.

True. …Was that a joke?

Not intentionally, but why the heck not, sure.

Still. It scared me, Laurie, when I couldn't get through to him with that.

You did, I saw him crying over there.

That was mine. I can do that as well as bring out the emotions of others, remember. When I held him he was expressing my tears, of love and frustration, as I realized there was a wall of ice in front of me that even I could not find a way to break through.

…So what the heck do we do now?

We burn it down. That's all I know how to do at this point in time, Laurie. We burn it down.

How?

I don't know.

Shoot. That makes two of us.

…Maybe we should close this up.

That's what you said, two pages ago.

I know. But I like talking to you. You care, as much as I do, in much the same way.

Ironically.

Not really, Laurie, that's the point. J seems to have infected everyone with even a little part of his fear lately.

…I wouldn't be surprised. But that's a good point. Sorry.

It's fine. As long as you are aware of it. I'm too tired of these misunderstandings to let them go unaddressed anymore.

Yeah, especially when you do what you do. Fixing what you're fixing. You know.

Laurie.

Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound that way.

No, it's all right, it's still accurate.

Heh. Guess so. But that's weird as heck, though. How does the kid vacillate between those two mindsets so bloody quickly?

Splinters?

Circles, holy flaming swords we need to quit.

Hehe.

No really, it's 20 to 2, this is ridiculous. We need to just… summarize this whole thing, go hit him over the head with it, remind him that he KNOWS the truth of this and really maybe that’s all any of us need to do right now. Just remember that we know. Everything isn't a threat. Every moment isn’t a danger. Except it is, and… confound it, I don't want to be thinking like this.

Then don't.

No, it's just that Julie is still doing this, today was proof, is all we have to do is look at her and call her out on her lies? Because if I'm not mistaken, we've TRIED to do that and she doesn’t care.

Maybe we just need to run, like our fronter did today.

Yeah. You know what sure. Asserting the truth only does so much when she's more concerned about getting her kicks through assaulting our boy here. Bottom line, get him the heck out of there, THEN we review where we stand.

It's difficult.

No kidding, and I'm tired. Little bit of number synchronicity at the bottom of the page there, makes me feel a little better.

You watch out for those too?

Sure, they're meant for us too, not just him. And that one there, that just reminded me of what I think I've been trying to say this whole entire time.

What?

Kid's out of tune with his heart. We're thinking too much in words. We're trying so bloody hard to get a grip on this mess that we're forgetting that it doesn't matter a bit in the big picture, not in this way. Not in this way. We've gotta learn from it, but we need to let go of it too. And that's difficult.

They say a lesson will repeat until you have learned what you need to from it.

Yeah, and this one won't go away. So what the heck else is there to learn from it that we don't already know?

How to let go?

How to let go, and move on, and stop giving her all this power over us is what. If we know the bloody truth about what's happening here, if we can see through her lies, then why the heck do we keep getting caught up in the old Tar again?

Perhaps Jewel isn't as free of it as we think?

Geez I don't know. All I know is that my brain hurts and I am tired of talking and I might actually sleep tonight because wow, I am tired. Do you sleep?

Yes.

Cool. I don't, I gotta watch out for danger. But this body fatigue is rubbing off on me and holy swords I don't know how he deals with this every night, it is overwhelming.

It is. So should we close up?

Yeah, please, let's do that. Hey, thanks for talking with me man, I appreciate it.

You're welcome. It's nice to have someone to talk to about these things.

Yeah, you and I can kind of connect on these topics, I've realized. Don't give me that look, I will kill you.

Sorry. I had to.

Heh. I give up, I can't think.

Do you want me to close the session then?

Yeah, hang on a second. I'm falling asleep standing up and that's not going to quit until I get the heck out of this channel, so give me a moment to say something stupid.

Oh boy.

You think you're such a comic genius, shut up. Sheesh, is this what being drunk feels like? No wonder the body is forbidden from alcohol. Geez.

You were saying?

I was saying. You're a pretty great guy. I really appreciate everything you've done for Jewel. For Jay. Shoot. Go take that arrow out of him, bring him over here.

You sure?

Sure. Geez. Hurry up, I can't keep my eyes open, this is the most annoying thing I've experienced in weeks.

Hold on, J, this will be just a second.

… …??

Ssh. It's okay. Calm down. I'm not going to hurt you.

…Infi?

Hey, nice to hear that voice again.

I think he's okay.

What happened?

You… let's not talk about it now.

Why not? are you hiding something from me too

No, no, I… it's late. It's 2 in the morning. We're all having a hard time thinking.

oh. I hurt you did i.

No. …You came close.

ah. now I remember. sorry about being so traumatized. it's hard to reel that in when it gets really bad, I don't know
why that is?

We've been trying to figure that out actually.

is laurie drunk?

No, just ridiculously tired, get the heck over here, both of you.

i can't walk.

Are you sure?

mm..maybe. hold on. hold up too. both. …nnno I don't want to do that, carry me.

What?

you heard me I'm tired too don't let me go all crazy-morphing when I might go straight-up crazy again please.

Okay.

thankyou.

…You're welcome.

youre slipping.

A little.

Shoot, Infi's slipping??

whoa you woke up fast

When trouble starts I gotta be awake, kid, I've got more important things to do than sleep. Infi, what the heck is up?

…I think we're getting too close to sleep for me to be safe.


The heck does that mean? Nightmares??

why would he be scared of nightmares

No, he--

I'm too tied to the Black energy in the System, Jewel.

jay please

Oh. I'm sorry. Jay. You're back?


mostly kind of just really tired keep talking

I'm made of Black energy. When it gets late, that influence gets stronger. White energy tends to rule during the day. It is the opposite at night.

Geez, that explains a heck of a lot.

Write that down. We'll need to remember that.

Infi, dude, you really are slipping, you want to check out first? I'll take care of Jay.

No. Let's close this all at once. Please.

maybe we can do something together I don’t know make up for friday morning

Sheesh, kid, it’s a little too late for that.

no, barriers down, this is good.

Maybe so, but that's usually blindness, kid. You can't be a Care Bear and not care about the bad in the world, you know? Be all sparkles and rainbows, sure, but don't bloody pretend that everything is suddenly a-okay as a result. Some stuff needs to be healed first. Some wounds need to be set or cleaned up before they can heal properly. And some of that damage scars. You know that.

yeah but scars arent that bad theyre kind of pretty remember what xenophon said

…You remember Xenophon?

a little bit she was my daughter right?

Shoot are you saying that as data or do you actually remember??

little bit of both I think.

Holy swords.

He's getting close to the archives. The Black energy.

Where everything is stored?

Yes.

Infi, forgive me for saying this, but half of me wants you to just go the heck to sleep, and half of me wants to see you and J ride out this poet mode until 3AM at this rate.

i could do that

I don't know if I could.

Hey, no pressure dude, just saying.

No. It's not pressure. It is pressure. It's pressurized.

What is, you?

Yes.

Why?

J. Like this.

am I effervescing too much infi or are you picking up on empathy stuff like chaos used to

Man this is creepy, why the heck is he remembering things when he's not even half conscious?

Laurie I am slipping out of awareness and I cannot guarantee anyone's safety if that happens.

infi infi darling just let go and go to sleep. I'll be okay. you'll be okay. it's late. laurie close this up.

Right now?

right now. promise I wont do anything afterward. too late youre right. did you talk about anything good

We were trying to figure out how to fix that frozen state of yours, kid, we're worried about the fact that you're still getting trauma reactions from everything--

oh you mean when im awake?

Yeah, of course when you're awake--

yeah that means im still stuck to that I guess. not when I'm almost asleep like now. different realm. cant touch me. if that makes sense. I can see stuff like this everythings okay.

Can you see the past, the incidents that made this trauma hell happen, or would you shut down?

…

Jewel. Jay. Whoever the heck I'm talking to, answer me.

…it's really hard not to shut down looking at that. youre right. im sorry. why is that?

This stuff is deeper than we'd like, J.

i dont know if I have a name right now. infi needs to go to sleep im worried about him

You're right, this is going nowhere tonight, not at this point. I'm calling this quits.

hey everythings okay though don’t end it on a bad note I love you okay

Kid, that's the bloody reason we started this session two hours ago. We love you too, more than we know what to do with it when things like this happen. But you need sleep for God's sake, so we're ending this now.

okay goodnight

You heard the man, that's it for this mess of a session. See you invisible readers again soon enough.

infi are you okay

I'll be okay. I'll be okay in a few minutes.

you don’t seem sick

I'm not sick. I'm just… there's too much at once. Overload.

ohhh okay I know what that’s like

J, what the heck, I closed this up, why is this going on the record?

I'm not coming through correctly, does anyone know why that is?

J you are a bloody maniac, close this page up, right now.

No I'm just wondering why I keep splintering-- ah what the heck, I'm late for work anyway, let's close this up.

That's what I said.

Infi's going to be fine, I can feel it, I'll make sure. You're okay?

I'm just getting angry that this headtrip of a session isn't over yet.

But you're okay?

As okay as I bloody well can be. Yeah, I'm fine, seeing you smile is making it hard to be mad, even if it's a cause for worry.

Why? The smiling?

Is it genuine?

…Yeah. Somewhere deep down it is. I'm still floating dissociated from what I need to heal from, but it's too late to do that tonight anyway.

Ask your boss. I'm sure you'll get some progress in overnight if you get moving now.

Good point. Infi are you holding up? …He gave me a thumbs-up, that's oddly out of character, he really must be slipping.

Infi what the heck is going on.

It's getting worse, I'm going to end up degenerating if I don't get to sleep.

Okay whoa I really do need to quit this then goodbye.