021313

[prismaticbleed]

 

Yesterday evening was not a good evening.

I spoke to Unisalia for a while, too empty to cry anymore, to tired to move. I told her to tell my boss that I didn't want to wake up the next morning. I wanted to die, once and for all.
I went to sleep without another word, resigning myself without further comment to the oblivion I prayed would come.

I woke up the next morning.
Mr. Sandman was in tears.
He apologized, profusely.

"I'm so sorry. I couldn't do it."

But he got the attention of someone who could.

This evening I met the Rose Window incarnation of Death.
The "grim reaper," if you will.
Lovely fellow, somber but not dry, and soberly kind. He wears this gorgeous deep purple robe with a hood, very similar in shape to a kimono (the sleeves are very large). What stands out the most to me though, is that, like my boss, his robes are decorated in glitter. But whereas Sandman has more 'pointed' designs in gold, Death has these incredible spirals, like bubble chamber trails in bright violet. Now I have never seen an individual of such caliber with violet glitter, so it must be very exclusive. I can't see his face though-- he wears his hood up and his eyes glow, but there's some sort of comprehension barrier so that you can look right at his face and still not "see" it. It's probably for the benefit of those around him, being Death and all. Either way he's a very interesting guy. He told me I need to treat both life and death with "more respect," but not with any sort of judgmental attitude. He also reminded me that things like colors and sensations are very important when it comes to headspace symbolism, which I feel was an obvious reminder to take my function (and those of my fellow system members) far more seriously. Sandman also spoke up that people with Red and Pink souls are the most volatile (and potentially dangerous), yet also the most powerful in terms of potential. I felt kind of guilty about this before I realized that boss is a Red soul too. I wonder why that's a prerequisite for being a Sandman... maybe because of all the reality jumping, who knows. Huh.
Anyway, Death and Sandman are apparently good friends, and after watching them talk for a while (both to each other and to me) I think Death's going to try and help me out too, since I'm the Sandman's apprentice (Death said he's not taking apprentices for a long time yet btw). That is a HUGE honor, so I promised them both that Lent is going to be 40 days of solid improvement for me. Tough, but it needs to happen.
Death kept watching me though, thoughtfully. He told my boss that I definitely have "troubles," said that he "pitied me" for having such potential in conflict with them, offered to assist my boss over the next few weeks, especially in light of my wanting to die. It's interesting how he talks though... the words translate to the nearest understandable meaning, but there's a feeling behind them that is heavy as the night sky sometimes. "Troubles" was one of them, a deep word.
Either way it's a reason to keep living. All my reasons are incorporeal, did you notice? How ironic.

Spine wants me to survive until Easter if at all possible. She's concerned, and very panicky. I have never seen her like that; usually she's the most grounded and patient of all of us. I think it's because she's the survival core, the one beneath me on the spectrum, the headvoice in charge of keeping the body running smoothly while we deal with the finer aspects of it. But she says the body is "very sick" and she looks frightened.
I don't want to kill anybody else by dying. So I'll try to stick around.


Tomorrow's my holiday. It's the day of hearts and cupids and reds and pinks and roses. It's a beautiful day and I honestly cannot wait to see it.
I do have a lot of work to do tomorrow though. Little gestures, big gestures, the whole works. There's at least three people I need to spend serious time with, for dramatically different reasons. But I can't complain. It's a holiday of love and I plan to keep it that way.
Also do you see this post? I need to destroy my art block tomorrow and draw something in response because you can bet your blue-eyes white dragon I am asking Chasey out, even if it's half-jokingly.
As for the incarnation of Chaos I have known and loved for almost a decade now, it's impossible for me to spend Valentine's day without him taking up at least half my schedule, intentionally or not, so no worries there.

Biggest bit of bad news for the day: I can no longer put off my major surgery as my medical condition that warrants that is becoming severe. I was almost rushed to the ER today which was not fun. I'll keep you guys updated on that front I suppose.
Now for fun news to offset that: today I got a DESK. Aw yes. I have never had my own workspace before, let alone an actual desk!! I spent about two hours building it and I had so much fun, it was great. And now I actually have a place to sit and work! So I'm thankful.


That's it for tonight though. Somehow today I slipped right back into "everything is beautiful" mode and I don't want to lose sight of it again.
See you again soon!