022816

[prismaticbleed]

There's so much hate and fear towards the brother it's disgusting.

He sat in the front of the car when we drove home from church and I spent the whole time fighting off panic attacks and the powerful urge to vomit. We're so scared of him it's disgusting. Why???

We keep instinctively calling him "Q." That alone makes me sick. What the hell did that boy ever do to deserve this??? There are no accessible memories of him in the physical, so I have no clue.
But they both have the exact same body type. They wear their hair the same, thin and semi-long and uncombed and bangs in their eyes. They both wear glasses. And, for God knows WHAT infernal reason, they BOTH talked with that same damned fcking awful whispery voice that I HATE and God why is there so much HATE in me for that???
They both grew up liking trains. They both were obsessed with programming and worked in call centers. They both love the exact same kind of computer strategy games. They had NEARLY IDENTICAL GIRLFRIENDS.

What the heck. What the HELL is this. Why in the world are we dealing with the SAME PERSONALITY MODEL with TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE????????
It's creepy and scary and we're SO DAMN SCARED OF HIM and I DON'T KNOW WHY.

Every time he so much as looks at us and does that awful smile or starts BREATHING THROUGH HIS MOUTH like he always does I want to choke him to death just so it will STOP.
God even saying that makes me sick with regret and self-disgust and crushing agonizing wailing despair. I want this to stop. I don't want to be evil anymore.

What do I do? How do I heal this?
I want to forgive him, but how? For what? Every time I try to think of him kindly, every time I try to smile at him, "smile and nod" mode activates and our body braces for rape. Physical and emotional. And it's disgusting and it makes me want to scream and vomit and RUN AWAY.
Why??
How did that even start?

He's viscerally terrifying and having to live in the same house as him has literally reduced me to isolating myself in my room all day and sobbing. That or self-abusing in the kitchen for 5+ hours just to numb all my perceptions and blind myself to reality. I can't cope and that alone is terrifying, too.




I'm so weak and cold. I'm so tired. All I ever want to do is cry and I can't because the body doesn't understand how. The instant the face crumples up, or someone tries to sob, it shuts down. It starts yawning and it GOES TO SLEEP. Immediately!!! Crying is IMPOSSIBLE. The ONLY ones in the Spectrum who can cry are the children…. oh.
Oh man, maybe THAT'S why they're being triggered so much lately?


…

I don't know who I am anymore. The psyche keeps rapidly switching and cycling through cores over a 15+ year time period and it's utterly overwhelming and exhausting. We cannot function like this. Just in church alone, our fronters included three different Jays, Nathaniel, Diancie, Sylvain, Jewel, that visiting Purganiuso, and Celebi. Normally we'd also have Nienna, Lynne, and maybe Julie or Josephina out. But that's within ONE HOUR. Nine people, minimum, in 60 minutes. That's unbearable. We can only live ON THE INSIDE. We haven't been able to go inside in weeks now, as you all know, maybe even months at this point, because our schedule has become so packed and fast-paced that we don't even have the time to eat or sleep BECAUSE when we do get "free time" it's after 7PM and then everything is so rushed we just end up self-abusing. It's sick.

…

The nightmares are returning. We're remembering our dreams now but we're getting flat nightmares (about the family, of course) and we keep waking up during the night and that's making us even more exhausted. We feel like we never sleep anymore.
We eat one meal a day between 6PM and 9PM on average and we get maybe 300 calories so maybe that's making us tired too. But there's so little we can eat without pain anymore. We're trying.
I don't even want to think about "food" anymore because the amount of screaming exasperated sobbing exhausting THAT immediately induces is crippling. Please, let's just not even concern ourselves with that right now. Please. That's a special crushing hell that we want no part of until it cannot be avoided.


…
Jewel is trying to play Pokemon again but that is eliciting a lot of hate too? Is it hate? It's the knowledge that we're seeking concepts, NOT the actual thing, and the (again) wailing shrieking heartache that's a result of "Pokemon taking all our ideas so we can't use them now" because we just happened to be ten years old when we started writing. Not old enough to put anything out there, not solidly. And now it feels like, despite Pokemon being great for others, we'll never get a chance to share our world's story because "they stole it" or something. It's hard to put into words. It's a fear that… I don't know, it's tangled and nauseating to even look at.

But Jewel almost bought a Chespin doll yesterday but didn’t when she realized that she just wanted to carry it everywhere and "teach" it like she originally taught Genesis? Like there's this bizarre idealization of what Pokemon are for us, and THAT'S what draws us to the games more than anything-- as far as we are concerned, Pokemon have no egos. They live in the wild, free and almost childlike, and when you catch one, it becomes devoted to you. Like how people present dogs, but without that constant demanding smothering attention.
Like… deep down we want to be a Pokemon. We want to be caught, to have someone to devote ourselves to totally and without question and with total friendship, and then when we're called back into our Pokeball-- when we no longer have a context to exist in-- we sleep. That's impossible as a human; you can't have a 2-year-old life function map overlayed onto a 26-year-old ability and knowledge bank. But we wish we could have that. We wish we could be utterly sworn to someone, to the point where we CANNOT have a self-identity because everything we are depends on what we need to be FOR our Trainer, so to speak.

Dream World doesn't have that, and it's that one key missing element that we yearned for, I think. The monsters there do have personalities, and lives of their own, et cetera. A few don't-- Guardians largely don't, they're sworn to their World, and Prophets/Seers absolutely do not as their existences rely on total obedience to the Light and their calling.
I think the "smaller" species (like Meterday, Veltix, , etc.) are largely Pokemon-ish in that self-less respect? Like there is still the potential to be more "humanlike," as in gaining a more pronounced sense of "individuality" or whatever it's called, but for the most part they live simply and without selfish ambition or identity. I'm not sure, I have to look into it.
Regardless, in Pokemon there's that sense of partnership, of humans AND monsters, of that being inherently built on a power structure of "one leading the other," if that's how to say it.
(continue)



…We want someone to do everything for us that the floating voices scream at us for, and the interesting thing is, ALL of those things are self care. We, currently, CANNOT take care of our body, not properly. We need someone to drive us, to buy our food, to feed us, hell even to bathe us if things get too severe-- we need someone to do all those "personal care" things so that we DON'T hear the floating voices anymore, our stress/anxiety levels plummet, we stop self-abusing, AND all our free time is FINALLY freed to SERVE OTHER PEOPLE.
We can't do that currently, because all our "spoons" are being spent horrifically in the struggle of "self care." Yeah right. We'd rather take care of someone else, as long as they take care of us. Then we don't have to worry about struggling anymore.
I don't know. Maybe. We're just grasping at straws at this point, desperate for a way out of this special hell, for an actual doorway leading to RELIEF and progress without crashing and burning every damn time we realize it's 9PM and we haven't eaten 'yet' that day.

I'm sorry. This is miserable. I'm tired of living like this.

Cecelia is the worst. She's the "Jessica" main who's trying to reform. BUT she's still inundated in incapacitating shame and guilt and a sense of utter filthy sinfulness, therefore even though she's now hoping for deliverance, for a way out, she's still convinced she's sin incarnate and so she just spends ALL her fronting time trying to destroy herself.





(left unfinished)