jan 20 2015

[prismaticbleed]

Geez. Today was all over the place.
Quick update because it's getting late and I need rest but I do not want to slack off because that is 1/2 of denial.
(therapy on tuesday needs its own entry because it gutted me but it was incredibly important that it happened)


Surgery was today, so I got up at 5 and drove down to the hospital with my grandmother like last time. I got the same room, too, so I got to watch the sunrise, all pinks and indigos and blues. A lot of people switched out during that time (first time in many many weeks) which meant so much to have happen. were all around for some time. Lynne and Julie also "talked" to my grandmother for a bit (as of course she doesn't know about them).
I was trying to personally talk to Jessica & Chocoloco for a bit, as Jess was always tied to the "forced breaking out" feeling of the hernia, the idea of something being buried and yet being furiously desperate to be heard, so it makes itself known however possible. Like a kid locked in a closet, kicking down the door and screaming. Same thing.
(body map, beetles. lava flow? had to be kept moving, allowed to move out, instead of being forced into lower pockets. also reference to water? unsure on ultimate role, but vital. tied to chthonics obviously.)
(laurie's color is still slipping. julie said she was "graying out." we had to call sugar in to stand guard, laurie is disturbingly the biggest target upstairs right now because she is the "cornerstone of central" and also the main advisor to the cores.)
(ALSO I almost forgot, at some point I remember the Jabberwock found me but then Leanne/Luanne showed up?? That new Cerise woman on the Downstairs level. Apparently she can boss around the Jab, that's insane. However her form is still incredibly unstable; she's technically "faceless" as a result. But she's legit. Just wanted to mention that.)


(chaos 0 kept me company the whole time, in the prep room and afterwards. which was really lovely. the first time around we never had the luxury of becoming "friends" like genesis and i did so this meant so much to me, felt absolutely right for once. also when i was getting redressed at the end of everything, i remembered how we had been so candid and simple back in slc, and how much i missed that. i had forgotten about it, that was what i really wanted in my life again. just being able to live life and not be ashamed, to have someone around that loved me without demanding or constantly gauging my reactions. just being able to be like that. best bit though was that at some point i blurted out "i love you" because i just felt it; notable because that hasn't happened in months. also i "saw" him in the room ghosting for a moment, like i used to long ago. so that stands out too)
(is that stupid? why do i still feel horrifically guilty for being able to feel love again AND not having it shoehorned into the wrong context?? probably just residue, i really do need something this purely positive in my life right now, as selfish as that sounds)
(also. also also. i woke up this morning and he was humming "strangers in paradise," a song i haven't heard in years. moved by affection but still confused, i didn't get to look up the lyrics until this evening and geez dude, relevant as always.)

(it was SO NICE to be able to lie around for 5+ hours, before and after surgery. i've been running myself ragged lately (as you all know), somewhat on purpose, so being able to lie in a QUIET room, with SUNLIGHT, in a SAFE atmosphere, was profoundly relaxing. even better i did not hurt anywhere nearly as much as i did the last two times, so it was lovely, i kept dozing off which was very welcome too.)

(i got home around 4 and things were cool for a while, i drank even more water and lemon juice (i swear i got down at least 12 glasses today). unfortunately, around 7 i needed to eat (fasted for a solid day thanks to surgery) and because i was an asshole and ate something with sugar in it, i had another stupid floating-voice meltdown. they basically told me i had committed an "unforgivable sin" by "knowing sugar was evil and eating it anyway," that i was a faggot whore (and that "only faggots cry"), etc etc etc. it was hell. this went on for about an hour straight, maybe two, i lost track of time really badly. ended up with me sobbing so hard i was choking, made worse when my grandmother came in; she always tells me to stop eating, but I don't actually eat, i have an anxious stimming habit of just cutting up food and re-organizing it over and over, so when she says "you're still eating??" i know she means well but it translates as "you fat whore, stop stuffing your faggot mouth" and "you're not allowed to enjoy eating, you're not allowed to eat at all, you hedonist"). ugly ugly thoughts. anyway i surprisingly ended up hysterical, thought she hated me, begging her not to, "don't be like my mom" (whatever that meant). but i was convinced that if SHE, this holy woman, hated me, then i'd really be damned. i frantically tried to justify my emotions to my grandmother and ended up practically hyperventilating from flashbacks about my mother. realized i do not hate her, i can't even reconcile the "mother" i know her as in public with the person she is when she acts "abusive." either way yeah i got horrifically sick, vomiting and everything, on top of the surgery pain that was not good at all bro. aaanyway i am sorry that idiocy keeps happening, it is so hard to forgive myself for doing stupid things like that)

(i am trying to chill out and calm down but all this weird inexplicable old emotional stuff is coming up? i still have that lingering fear that if i have to end a relationship in any way, i am the evil one, and i am an abuser. so then i read into the other party's actions forever as telling me how evil/ abusive i am. and so i then start to wish i was friends with them again, just as proof that i can be forgiven, that i can atone for that sin. why the heck are all my problems so chokingly moral)

(i am DOING WELL, don't worry, this is just a rough spot, i really am happy. i have books to read and i need to learn how to relax for the next three weeks, stop abusing myself. but i'm doing well i promise.)

(will fix this more later. right now i am just so sick and sad, i hate feeling like this, but burying these emotions out of shame and self-loathing isnt good either.)