march 14th, etc.

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Hey guess what.
Central is FULL.
I just realized I didn't announce that yet; I'm so sorry!
But it's TRUE and that's INCREDIBLE and it feels so different. It's nice, it's just... a strangely nice change. It feels oddly serene, now-- whole, and calm, but powerful, and confident. Like it's now so secure in its own inherent strength that it is no longer afraid, and it can just be, as it is, complete. Collectively I think that feeling is starting to catch, too.

I personally walked Sherlock into Central; despite being our main data-talker (and he's always out in therapy to infodump as needed) the man is surprisingly reserved and somewhat self-effacing when someone gives him direct attention, or especially when his importance to us is noticed/ highlighted (Garrison is similar really). So when I told him "dude, you're effectively being called into Central," as a result of that significance being actively recognized and requested to rise to such a role of honor... he got a little flustered, haha. He didn't refuse, not at all, he was just hesitant as all heck about actually stepping into the position.
Remember that for anyone to officially move into Central, they have to step into the literal Spectrum Loop (in the BLC). I have no concrete name for it yet, but you know what I mean (I hope)-- it's this ring of colored platforms, all lit up, and at least 20, 30 feet long... it's the physical manifestation of the Core slots in the Spectrum. And whenever someone who isn't 'born' into Central moves into Central, they have to "lock in" that fact by stepping onto that color platform (there's a big "stability beam" of light radiating up from each one, it's really pretty) and seeing whether or not the Spectrum itself accepts them. (If it doesn't-- meaning they aren't the right person for the job, yet or at all-- it will gently push them back off onto the floor.)
Anyway, Sherlock made up his mind, finally being so close, and stepped in. He was accepted immediately, and the feeling was both tangible and gracious-- like the Spectrum had been waiting for him to finally say yes to that request, and now that he did, it was genuinely happy about it.
To quote myself from earlier today: "seeing Sherlock take to it was really moving to me; he's always so stoic but there was such joy in that settling in to such a big role." He honestly took off his glasses and just smiled, at nothing in particular really, at least nothing visible.
I called Eros in shortly after, realizing he hadn't settled in yet either-- which is notable because he's been shuffled in and out of that slot for at LEAST a solid year now. Problem is, he kept getting corrupted, or slipping, or something similar; for a while no one was quite sure who he really was in respect to all the ones similar to him, before him. But now he's concrete, believe me when I say we all recognize him now, and we know when it's not him. He's a purely benevolent guy and his job is VITAL; honestly I would not have survived the past two weeks if it weren't for him stepping in completely out of the blue and effectively motivating me to get back into the fight, so to speak. That needs its own entry. But yeah, once he saw Sherlock he smiled elatedly and practically jumped into the Cerise beam (he took off his cape halfway through a run and just dumped it on the floor in front of it). It took him a little longer to settle; I could feel some "double-checking" in the process, as I guess the System wanted to see if he was safe of straggling Tar/Plague first before confirming him as our Cerise guy at long last. That's notable too-- he was accepted, but it felt tentative? Like there's "clearing out" that needs to happen in that color BEFORE he can solidly hold it? Not much, but just enough to make it too unstable to be working 100% yet. Kind of like when Julie first moved into Pink, which is extremely fitting. So we'll keep you posted.

...Chaos and Cel are both in Central now, too, with equally unusual (and beautiful) acceptances. It's odd; I've never seen the Spectrum "say" that to Centralites before. It's like, "you are chosen for this role, and I accept you... BUT you have work to do first, to refine yourselves and your roles, before you will be able to fully represent this Color." Does that make sense?
Even so their acceptances felt profound. There is no other word. Their roles are huge for many reasons, many of which aren't clear or fully realized yet. But both of them, both of them are just... in their own distinct ways, they move me. Two different emblems of something ineffably wondrous.
I have a lot to say about those two in any case. I just have absolutely no time tonight. I'll type up something tomorrow, I promise.


Here, this song moved me to tears earlier so have a listen. (The last minute is particularly lovely.)


This body is profoundly tired today so I can't stay up much longer to type; I'll say more tomorrow.

 

Today we went to our cousin's birthday party, an hour out of town (he's 40), and we didn't have to drive! So we got to sit back in a quiet car and watch the foggy woods go by for a while, it felt like heaven, it was so peaceful. We needed that.
It was a little scary at the party because there was a lot of noise and there was nothing the body could eat, which would normally be fine, except we were an hour away from home and we were fasting as usual. But we managed. (Unfortunately we didn't get to eat at all until 8PM, that habit needs to change soon.) Still it was nice to see all our cousins; some of them we haven't seen in over a year. All the kids are getting so big, it's great.

 

Speaking of kids. Xenophon's birthday was yesterday, she's FOUR already, that's incredible too.
I made her kale soup as always (she rode piggyback on my shoulders in the store as I bought the ingredients, telling me what to get, it was adorable), it's tradition. Plus, my mum just happened to bring clementines home the same day, so that worked out perfectly.
I don't recall if I've mentioned it here but I've been making extra effort in recent weeks to spend a LOT more time with Xenophon, just in general. It took a bit of nerve, oddly-- just like Sherlock in Central-- because although I want desperately to see her more often, it is an awful strain to constantly have to "double up" attention between downstairs and upstairs, when she's ghosting and I'm the only one who knows. So she's taken to ghosting and being quiet, or insisting I don't need to talk to her all the time, she just wants to be there. Which means a lot to me. I'm so worried I'm not trying hard enough and my/our own frailties in the social respect make it tough in the first place, I don't want her to feel unwanted or intrusive. She's understanding though, she always is, I am so blessed to have her in my life. I still try to be as gentle as I can, all the time, and I always try to go the extra mile whenever I can. I wouldn't dream of doing any less for her.

Geez I don't know. Sometimes I wonder, what with things like seeing the cousins today... what sort of future are we going to build here?
I know what I'd like, I know what my heart really wants, but... I really think it's something we'll have to have along with whatever we have downstairs. Which is kind of sad in some ways?
I have to laugh. Back in the old journals, like around 2003-2004, that Jewel went to these cousins' weddings, and her joke was always "I'm not getting married BUT I still love Ryman & Markus a lot," or later, "I'm not getting married BUT if I HAD to..." and then the question would be whether Chaos would want to wear a dress or a suit or whatever else. It's cute but it's also a little painful, to realize that we didn't think we had another option if we loved someone that much. We "had" to do everything the traditional way.
I think it lingers. I see my cousin and his two kids, in their new house up in the lovely woods, all fog and snow and trees... and I wonder. If I had to settle down... could I? If it was with them? And I don't know, because it's presented as such an ideal, but "settling down" never felt quite right for me. Sure, have a home to go to, but my heart still wants to fly. That's what Cel is tied to, that's the odd thing that's been shining in her lately, the REAL her, the one still inexplicably tied to not only me but also Dream World AND Pokemon alike, to our childhood and to our adult years. She's such a powerful unknown right now... but that feeling is so strong in her. The smell of spring, the color of the new buds on the trees, the feeling of the breeze promising new life and freedom. Joy, boundless joy. It makes me think of this poem.
But that's what I mean. My deepest loves are friendships at heart; tremendously affectionate things, intimately honest, with no chains. And I want to run with the people I love. I want to take them by the hand and see the world... that feeling, that feeling that defines Dream World, of running across flowered hills and looking down at cities stretched below, at blue cloud-blessed sky stretching above, the light and clear sparkle of life in the air... that's what I want.
But I also want to be able to have a life here, with them. Here, in this world, where we have a body still, and we need to eat and rest and work and all those other difficult things. Even here in this world, where we struggle with a physical form and face, I want to share it with them.
It hit me about an hour into the cousin's birthday party that I was unplugged from headspace and felt totally dislocated. I called Laurie as we were driving into town and I swear I felt her arms around me, reassuring me she hadn't left. It took a moment for the gravity of that statement to sink in.

It's late, what am I doing, we have to be up at 9 tomorrow.

I've been trying to type on Dream World for about three days straight but it is overwhelming because there are so many unorganized notes and although they're all relevant & vital to the plot and/or the "worldbuilding blueprints" behind it, there is SO much sheer data.
I'm working on the Prophet/Seer section currently, taking it a bit at a time. I've been feeling a lot of love towards people like Deropélé and Ementain and Opal lately, so that works out.


Seriously though it is 1AM again and we need sleep more than anything else at the moment. See you tomorrow.