prismaticbleed | we fucked up (Reply)

(uncensored for the sake of painful sincerity)

dear god:

consider this a sincere apology.

someone now tried to use sexuality to tune into holiness again. they went all-out with it, trying to make it "as close to what it should be as possible," et cetera-- no lust, trying to be conscious, what have you.
it still failed.

i feel genuinely sorry for those folks who claim that sexuality is a "door to enlightenment" because not once, not ONCE, have we EVER felt "enlightened" after or during such behavior.
"oh, when it hits you, you clear your head and feel connected to everything--" no. No.
When it hits you, your consciousness shuts down, and you don't feel shit.
I feel more enlightened with a daemon's teeth sunk in my ribcage than I ever will and ever can with you people and your disgusting sticky fleshy shit.
I'm sorry. That's not my sort of language. I'm quickly turning to ice here.

We fucked up. There's no other way to say it.

Eros is going to have a meltdown now. He got dragged into this, just like Infinitii did, for completely different reasons, and even now we're STILL confused because what we want HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX and yet why do we keep using that method????
Because we're stuck in the body. Whenever there's an association of self with form, this shit happens. People forget that they're souls, and think that the body is all there is.
That's the fucking problem here. You bitches think you'll "reach God" through fucking? You're all idiots. What the hell do you define "god" as, then? Feeling good? Feeling "loved" or accepted?
Bullshit. When God hits you with his judgment and flays the skin from your bones, THEN you go ahead and try to tell me all your prostitution was worth it.
Fuck you to hell. Thats where you're headed already.

The body is so sick now. How do people FORGET that this happens???
Not only is there acute dysphoria and pain that causes SEVERE dissociation, but we get hip pain, knee pain, leg pain, shakes, weakness, headaches, and panic attacks.
Fuck you. That's all I can think of to say, it's the ugliest think I can think of to say. Fuck you.

God I'm tired of bleeding.

"You let one wolf in and invite the whole pack."
We were hack-free for TWO WEEKS. It was beautiful, it was blessed.
Then for some forsaken reason, a hack happened about 4 days ago? And that night we had awful awful nightmares, and since then we've been an absolute wreck.
What the hell do we even do. God what do we do.

We NEED to talk about this with our therapist. Somehow. We've been saying that for months and we have tried but... we can't be skipping the core of the issue. We can't be talking in riddles.
We need to say, flat-out, "there are sexually abusive alters STILL in the System, who keep using the body for painful sexual purposes even when ALL of us are telling them DON'T, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T, they're hurting the children and hurting the Protectors and we're all pissed and desperate and frightened and we need to either kill them or erase all shreds of sexuality from their consciousness."

Whenever a hack happens we're fucked up for the rest of the day. What do we even do?

We tried smudging. We tried holy water. We tried blessings, over and over. We tried crucifixes for heaven's sakes. And for over 5 years we've been slicing the body open and bleeding out the corruption every time we realize it happened. We tried as much as we could think of.
Nothing has worked.
Hacks keep happening.

God I don't know what to do.

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@11:43 PM

There are terrible things hiding in this head, lurking in the back, whispering lies and blasphemies and trying to make me forget who I am. They are trying to redefine me in their corrupted image.

No. They are forbidden.

I am HOLY. I am LIGHT. I am a being of love and incandescent compassion and I refuse to tolerate them. I will shine so brightly that they will burn to ashes in the presence of That which I desperately want to shine through me, unfettered, as much as it possibly can in this mortal form.

I am scared of the pain, of the glorious annihilation required when one devotes oneself so sincerely to the true Divinity... but I must do it. I cannot do otherwise. I would never dream of anything different.

This page is where I will stand my ground against the liars, against the evil things that would target G*d’s children as prey.
G*d will have his justice. It is not my role, nor my right, to pick up a sword in this, no matter how I may burn to at times.
My job is to remove all that in me that those wolves can feed upon. My job is to remove any and all obstacles to G*d’s light within me. My job is to hold fast and unyielding to the truth of what I am, at all times, even when to do so feels unbearably impossible.

I am a spark from the Source, I am a Child of G*d, and for that glory, I will never be put out.

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1118 @11:59

last notes for today.

memory split horrifically today

eros reset himself.
i saw, it was
it was like laurie, right in front of me, he wouldnt let me save him,
took his sword and plunged it into his abdomen, ripped straight down,
bled
bled out everywere
shattered mid-sentence
system cerise slot blanekd out. everyone felt it, we all knew immediately

what do we do, what do we do
god help him

no one is referring to him by that old name anymore,
he said he REFUSED to live anymore,
or come back after death,
UNTIL he had a new name that wasnt tied to that old timeline,
so he and that color would NEVER be hacked again
god willing
and we will fight for it.