jan 18 2016

[prismaticbleed]

 

notes from today:

Cerise is NOT sensuality. It's actually the feeling that drives one to a heart connection.
There is NO flirting, courting, drama, romance, etc. in Cerise.
Cerise is the feeling of self-love that radiates out in honor and honesty, pure and strong, wholesome and compassionate.



We ALMOST had a hack tonight but like Julie said, "the war is over."
Whoever was out fronting-- feels like the old indigo Jessica in a way, the sort of scraped-out no-purpose addictive-depression pitiful girl-- had virtually no willpower and didn't say no (I don't know if they can?), HOWEVER. They didn't say yes, either.
The Plague was responsible this time. It not only disguised itself as Eros/ Cupid/ etc. as it likes to, it also threw everything it could at them-- music, art, images of people we actually love, EVEN religious stuff (to which Eros said "blasphemy" when we told him). But the girl knew it was wrong. She felt there was NO love in it, she didn't want it, and I guess her hesitation was enough of a break for Laurie to somehow be notified and she got us the heck out of there ASAP.

So we're safe now. We're in a lot of pain, sure, but it'll pass. We know it could have been far, far worse.


We want to start walking at night again. That's always very very soothing. We would do so now but the brother is making tea in the kitchen and we don't want to upset him by being in there.
I miss the days when we had the living room to ourselves at night, and we could just walk around the center table listening to FROST* and Nier and Masashi Hamauzu for hours if we wanted. God I miss that so much.
…We need to find new ways, new things, to give us peace like that. We can't change how things are now, so we need to adapt for our own health.

Speaking of health. We're still struggling with the depressed-girl eaters, mostly because they're motivated by both misrouted spiritual hunger (trying to "fill the void" in the most literal sense possible) and the fear of being "fat" (still unconsciously but apparently tied to trauma).
So they want to eat, but it's terrifying, so they vomit it up. And then they're really hungry and in pain and depressed because they feel ugly and rejected and unlovable and evil and that just perpetuates self-abuse.

The way we NEED to have them think of eating is not from a conceptual standpoint-- as that's where misrouting occurs-- but in the most literal sense possible, which is seeing food as FUEL, as matter to build the body from. Do you want the body to use that as building blocks for itself? No? Then don't eat it.
I think that should be Spice's new job. She's been just as upset as Laurie lately over feeling like she's not properly living her purpose, and that she's unsure what her purpose even is anymore, now that she can't "take pain away" after eating as that doesn't happen anymore. So this is a great new job that I'm sure she could do better than anyone.



Mr. Sandman-- or at least, the version of him that acts as our guide-- just told me that he and the other "good non-System voices" are there to HELP THE GIRLS. I have headspace, and THEY DON’T, so they need help from some other level. That's why we have so much trouble coming out when they're fronting; they are literally immersed in a reality that doesn't include us. So thank God for the guide-voices, because they are the only thing keeping those girls from unconsciously destroying themselves (and us by extension, unfortunately).


I'm actually going to go try to walk for a bit. I only have 30 minutes so if it's too late to finish this by the time I get back, have a good night.




last additional note-- different "core fronters" (like jay, jayce, jewel) have DIFFERENT CENTRALITES HELPING THEM.
Laurie is the "default," or at least she was, but now she sticks with Jay.
Spine takes care of Jayce.
Javier talks to the manic Jewels, like Hoseki (?), and they do listen to him?
Jewel works by herself from what we can tell, as she's anchored into Heartspace instead so she's really on a whole other level of functioning from the other Cores.

On that note. Jewel did take a note today on the voice recorder about Heartspace possibly having not only its own Spectrum, but its own RULES for color function??
Like that might be why Outspacers have never been able to actually "work with" the System color rules, no matter how hard they try. They might not be supposed to.
Also, on that note, Jewel's color might not be Red. It might actually be WHITE. Which would be a huge point of interest towards "true Core colors" because not only does Jayce resonate with it, but also some Jewels resonated with Black and we think those BROKE OFF the core bloodline?? Anyway we'll see.
The point is we came to this conclusion wondering about colors because Rio (whose name STILL feels 'off' when typed) has always been Blue and Markus has always been Violet, but during Jewel's second *incident* with Rio, her Heart Crystal was IRIDESCENT WHITE. Also, remember that although her "main color" was always red, whenever she had to Link up with a new Outworld, she'd typically pick a black & white color scheme instead. So yeah, this all needs to be looked into more.

Tomorrow we're going to see a chiropractor about our poor back because the pain this morning was terrific and we're getting concerned.
As of right now we need sleep so good night for real this time!!