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prismaticbleedI don't know what I've done to myself, but I'm reading my archives from December 2011, and I've somehow become so apathetic and empty and fractured since then... what happened to me, between then and now?
It's frightening, to not remember 95% of my entire past, to not remember what it's like to love people, or be inspired, or to have dreams for the future. I want to somehow become the person I was two years ago again, that bright-eyed kid who never felt lost in life... I've fallen so far off that path now that I don't even know my name anymore, let alone anything else.
When did I start ignoring my own safety and wants and needs, when did I become so self-abusive, when did all these harmful addictions start? When did I lose all my hope and finally give up? What did this to me?
Sorry for rambling. I'm just tired of feeling so existentially cavernous that the only thing I want anymore is oblivion.
I don't want to look at the calendar this December and realize that it's the first one I've spent in 10 years without a smile. I don't want to spend another January in the psychiatric ward, or in an inpatient facility, which my therapist is already considering, isn't that reassuring.
But I've lost so much, I've destroyed so much of myself, and the scariest part is that I DON'T REMEMBER what it was like to have the things that I'm missing.
I don't know what to do, and honestly the last tiny spark of light in me is desperate for help, any sort of help.
If you read this, thank you. I apologize again for all this negativity.
It's frightening, to not remember 95% of my entire past, to not remember what it's like to love people, or be inspired, or to have dreams for the future. I want to somehow become the person I was two years ago again, that bright-eyed kid who never felt lost in life... I've fallen so far off that path now that I don't even know my name anymore, let alone anything else.
When did I start ignoring my own safety and wants and needs, when did I become so self-abusive, when did all these harmful addictions start? When did I lose all my hope and finally give up? What did this to me?
Sorry for rambling. I'm just tired of feeling so existentially cavernous that the only thing I want anymore is oblivion.
I don't want to look at the calendar this December and realize that it's the first one I've spent in 10 years without a smile. I don't want to spend another January in the psychiatric ward, or in an inpatient facility, which my therapist is already considering, isn't that reassuring.
But I've lost so much, I've destroyed so much of myself, and the scariest part is that I DON'T REMEMBER what it was like to have the things that I'm missing.
I don't know what to do, and honestly the last tiny spark of light in me is desperate for help, any sort of help.
If you read this, thank you. I apologize again for all this negativity.
