oct 29

[prismaticbleed]

I'm just going to be honest here. I've been reading a lot, and thinking a lot, and I'm still as confused and terrified as ever but I don't know how to let people go, you included.
I feel like the world's biggest jerk right about now. I've been acting bitter towards everyone around me, not because I've turned hateful, but because I am so desperate and distraught that I can't remember what it means to be content with life.
In Utah, and right up until now, pretty much, I thought you and Q were lying to me... so I 'lied' right back. You acted nice and I acted nice, and the key word is 'acted.' I felt as if the whole thing had been scripted, and you were both pretending, stringing me along. I thought I saw many, many proofs of this, but that may have just been my paranoia. Either way, I couldn't take chances, and I single-handedly turned what you apparently hoped to be a 'helpful' experience for me into one of the biggest traumas of my life.
But I can't shake the feeling that you still care about me in some weird way, even if I don't understand it. And that's where this note comes in.
I don't know how you feel about me right now. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you think I'm the biggest moron God ever breathed life into. I can't say. Still, you're talking to me, and I don't know. I may simply be assuming too much.
Either way, as I said, I've been thinking... and since I don't know how much time I have left, I figured I'd better write this.
I don't hate you. I've been hurt by you, but not directly. You did things that you never, ever dreamed would damage me, and I don't hold it against you. When I talk about the past in regretful anger, it's anger at MYSELF for treating it as such. I know I don't put you in a good light and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this.
I do care about you, though. I suck at showing it, but I do. Still, it feels almost fake, because I care about everyone, and I want to apologize for that. I really... well. I really hurt you. That I know for sure. I hurt you because I'm too afraid to stand up for my beliefs and opinions and truths, and in being such a coward, I made it impossible for anything good to happen.
I don't think I'm in love with you, if only because I don't know if I was ever in love with anyone. I'm such an antisocial bastard that I can't tell. I want to thank you for making me feel like I was worth something, though, when we'd be up late and you'd be reading or texting and I'd just be lying there and wondering why that felt so positive.

I'm going in circles.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you. 2. I'm sorry for being so paranoid and angry and for not trusting you. 3. I never hated you, even if I acted like it blindly. 4. You hurt me, but everyone hurts me, and I've never held it against them. 5. I want to make this up to you because I do feel like a jerk.
6. I'm hoping you have answers. I don't know why I'm so afraid of you and Q, but I'm sick of it, because you're good people and you at least tried to care for me, as hard as that is. I'm hoping maybe you know why I was so stupid, or at least know how I can... get better or something.
7. Can you forgive me?

I'm sick of feeling like an empty-hearted fool. I used to think I was wise but I'm not at all sure of that now. I used to think I could save the world, but the more I try, the more I realize how... how little I am. How small and ephemeral I am.
All I know is that, even if it's true that I only know the little things... the color yellow and Studio Ghibli and poetry... I still love that about you, all those little pieces.
I'm so stupid, Mel. You're the first person I ever felt comfortable with, and the reason I denied that so strongly afterwards was because of how strongly I felt it. I didn't believe it could have been true or real. I couldn't accept it because I wasn't worth it and I shut you out.

I feel like I'm going to die, and maybe I will, but I wanted to at least let you know this, as confusing as it may be. I've been shaking all day and I can't see straight.
I hope you have a good life, and I hope you have a future, a real future, the happiest one you can imagine, even if-- especially if-- I never do.

I'm sorry for being such a horrible paradox.