june 21st 2014

[prismaticbleed]

 

Bit of an overdue update! Let me just write down what's important for now.

 

First, I forgot to write this down before but I want to record it:
A little over a week ago was Friday the 13th, which is Josephina's official "unbirthday" (he first appeared to us on one in 2010). So he and Waldorf celebrated by lounging around in Central, loudly singing this song and eating two entire boxes of chocolate fudge cookies (they had three, but I gave Xenophon one).
I just thought that was hilarious.

Algorith, David, and Marigold all fronted for some time on Tuesday or so? We forgot to update that day. That was important because it actually shed a lot more light on the roles of the children-- notably, more specifics on what they're afraid of, and why. David is infamously afraid of "the mother," but it seems his fears aren't rooted to anything we can find? And with recent events (she's been SUPER nice lately), he's starting to warm up to her, not as a mother but as a good person separate from the fears he's held towards her. That's really fantastic. Marigold, on the other hand, is the panicky one, but she's afraid of (again) some unknown threat from adult women? Like in general. But she, too, is learning with every non-dangerous exposure that she IS protected, and that she is not at risk, and the anxiety she holds is going down. I wish I remembered more specifics for that day but I apologize, as it's too long afterwards to reach the brief data anymore.

Algorith seems to be acting as a sort of "casual protector" to the two children; she obviously cares for them but leaves the actual close care to Jeremiah (everyone does really). Also, Algorith has a notable "accent" of sorts when she fronts. I have no idea what its roots are, maybe New York? Headvoices pick speaking styles out of the subconscious of course, that's where we're all from, so it's not too surprising when one ends up with a unique speech style as a result. But it's great to have her suddenly in the main awareness, as she was "in the background" for a while but she's awesome (and I am rather fond of her admittedly; mostly because of her role in this dream).

Headspace has been quiet otherwise? Has it been for a while? It feels like it, but I don't remember. That made therapy on Thursday very difficult, as the "no self" residual fronter (one tied to the body; it's female) was out for most of it, and she literally cannot make any forward movement as she is "unable to act without orders" due to having "no self"-- on that note, she openly admitted that the idea of being an individual was "incomprehensible," and that she DID look with that sort of judgmental attitude on OUR ENTIRE SYSTEM, which is where a lot of the previously unidentified shame/ guilt/ self-loathing roots are from. This fronter cannot conceive of having an identity separate from what they are TOLD to be, or "expected" to be in some context. So yeah, THIS is the person who virtually makes the body "shut down" when we're alone, if she's out. She cannot "be a person" if no one is telling her how, essentially. So, strangely, she's probably more of "her own person" in that therapy office than she CAN be anywhere else, as the "contextual expectation" there is for her to BE a specific, important part of our greater whole-- therefore she ends up actually getting an actual semblance of a 'self' as a result, whether she realizes it or not. I hope that makes sense in words!

Also! Same topic, super important. Thanks to her speaking up, that session ALSO eventually shed light on WHO the "self-destructive" person is who keeps trying to utterly annihilate all of our possessions, food, archives, etc… and WHY they do that. Apparently, there is such an old and deep rage towards being FORCED to "be someone we were not," i.e. the function the self-less girl holds, that it bubbles over every time it can? But it's a paradox, as the therapist pointed out that this same self-annihilation IS what we were essentially being "told to do" for years! "You can't do/ feel/ be/ etc. that way, you have to be what WE tell you to be." And so half of our psyche nodded and obeyed, unable to even feel its own emotions… and the other half seethed with utter self-hatred, wanting nothing more than to tear that imposed self to the ground so that something REAL and honoring of our own individuality could emerge. Problem was, that seems to not have happened yet? We still struggle with "self-identity," and that self-annihilation still happens all too frequently. However we are making lots of progress here and I am very happy to say that.

Fittingly-- almost shockingly so-- on Friday morning, the grandmother (the one constant in this house) went to visit her sister for three days. So, since Friday morning, she has not been here. Why is this important? Because we nearly had an emotional breakdown yesterday over it. For some reason, that woman is viewed as 1) a cathartic "externalization" of emotions we don't know how to express on our own (she is very high-strung and so expresses a lot of emotions such as anxiety and anger and worry, negative things that we buried as a child and never really learned how to express well), therefore her absence makes us boil over with childhood fears and tears and shakes, and 2) as a "safety net" against these same emotions, because for whatever reason, without another human being in the house, we are terrified to do a lot of things. For the past 48 hours we've been too scared to eat or sleep, for heaven's sakes, because there's "no one there to protect and/or comfort us if something goes wrong." Where did that mindset come from? We don't know, nor do we know why it is there. But we didn't even KNOW it was there until yesterday, so we are thankful for that.

The scariest bit about yesterday, though, was the loneliness. Headspace was absent for the entirety of the day, as the person fronting was purely downstairs-based (may have even been the self-less person from thursday) and so felt utterly isolated from everything internal. Genesis did show up in the evening and Jay ended up following suit, as he was out for most of today. But that 24+ hours of total existential emptiness was awful. That's a topic we need to rediscuss later, what with worries about integration and the like, but it's a terribly heartwrenching topic so we won't do that tonight.

Today we realized that we are not a good listener. That was humbling. People let us talk for huge stretches of time-- usually to explain or lecture-- but as a result, our mindset switches to "output, not input." And then it's difficult to listen to feedback unless we actively realize that we are talking TO people, not AT them. Again, a good thing to be reminded of. We'll take extra effort here.

As a result of that talking, we took a HUGE jump as far as courage goes, because we realized a big root of the eating disorder! Most of our digestive issues are purely psychosomatic-- our docs have been shrugging at our "perfect" test results and poor health for years-- but pinpointing the causes has been tricky. We think we have the main ones now!
1) Back in 2012, living with someone who had bad allergies, we internalized the message of "if she gets sick, YOU have to get sick too, or it's not fair for her." This is totally untrue but it is probably the strongest roadblock keeping us from being healthy, as it became globalized at some point.
2) Thanks to being hyper-religious about online data at one point, some child voice in the system (unidentified, but a clear speaker!) has labeled certain foods as "bad" or "evil," if even one person said they were "incorrect" according to some diet or belief system or whatever. Again, this quickly became globalized (as everyone has differing and conflicting opinions!) and it quickly made daily life almost unbearable as well, because mostly everything became "wrong" to that voice, and it would not eat ANYTHING out of sheer paralyzing terror of "getting sick as punishment for doing the wrong thing." Of course, the outside voices didn't help this, because they WOULD punish us for not following their orders, and have also told us multiple times-- upon eating perfectly harmless foods-- that "we would die" as a result of eating something they did not give us permission to. Since this condemnation was often followed BY panic attacks or similarly severe symptoms, it stuck, even though it was false and cruel.

However. After those points hit us, we remembered something we read a while back-- that D.I.D. patients often showed allergies in one alter, and NONE in another! Now that's the SAME BODY, but different minds. That shows that this sort of thing IS mental. After all, an "allergy" is essentially just the body treating a food as a danger, and attacking it. And aren't we currently labeling FOOD in general as a "danger?" You see the problem! But we KNOW that's incorrect, we know that we're safe, that these things aren't threats, that we are completely ALLOWED AND ABLE to eat without suffering or worrying about "doing something wrong." Mr. Sandman has been helping on this-- he is no longer an Outspacer, but he still offers unfailing benevolent guidance, and the trust in him is complete. So if he assures us that we are safe, that we are not sick, etc., we will believe it and this can make or break such an ED situation depending on who is fronting. You get the picture, I hope. I'm just so thankful we made this much headway on healing this.

As a result of that we DID eat a meal with actual calories in it this evening, and no one threw it up afterwards, which took a lot of guts actually. But there were like 6 people working together positively there and it happened, and we didn't get sick either! So that is a big accomplishment actually.

We haven't been able to exercise well in a while due to being sick from food or the lack thereof, so we will make a stronger effort to get that back in the schedule now that we're being more caring and careful with the body.

On that note, again. Chaos 0 has (amusingly but fittingly) again proven to be one of our best defenses against negative actions there. Since he and Jay are so strongly tied, if he sticks around when Jay is out, his very presence will virtually eliminate all chances of a self-destructive or otherwise detrimental fronter from showing up and making us sick or otherwise hurt. I say this is fitting because he was the Outspacer with the "Body/Strength" aspect, and he has never failed to protect the one that we are in. He deserves all our thanks for that.

Laurie keeps asking us to have a Xanga session, as we haven't had one since before the December event, and one is sorely needed. Last night would have been ideal, but we got "distracted" doing Dream World character designs and Laurie says that was a "perfectly good use of the time" so not worry about it.

There are probably a few things I've forgotten, but as of now I think that brings us back up to a decent speed.

Jay here, for a minute. There is a lot of hope tonight, again! I love this feeling, tuning back into it.
More than anything though I want to tune into headspace as completely as I can remember, even just in data. I can feel the total closeness in a lot of these memories, all the headspace events, like when we found the BLC and when I had to save Infi, even if my personal memories are blurry or absent. No matter though. Timelines are weird, love is real, I'm not worried. We're moving forward and every step is an adventure. That's all I'm going to say, anything else feels superfluous. I'm so happy we're alive right now, all of us together. I'm so thankful we have this. That's the truest thing I can admit tonight.

Good night everyone, let's keep learning and growing and feeling and dreaming. Life's pretty cool, to say the least. ♥