if i'm ever blue

[prismaticbleed]

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE LYNNE STABELLE CHAOS ZERO SPINE HYPOMONE



All right, kid. Looks like it's time to talk.

Yeah. Already, having two conversations so far this month has helped me immensely.

I'm not surprised at all. You run on connections like this.

That's true.

So who's starting this off? Just me and you, or are we letting everyone in right off the bat?

Um, I'm not sure. Maybe we should get everyone in here for an overview, then end this with just you, me, and Chaos as usual.

Fine by me. Lynne, get in here.

Oh, are we talking already?

Yeah. 9PM is pretty early for these things, huh?

Maybe, but that way I'll hopefully be finished by the time it's midnight, instead of being up until 3.

You know, that really depends on whether or not you can concentrate. If you lose our channels, we really can't do anything. So stay focused.

I will. We're missing two people, though.. two very important people.

I daresay I fit that description.

Hello.

Hey, Spine. Good to have you in here.

I think we're setting a world record or something with this. I mean, two new headvoices in two months?

Neither of them are new, though. Spine just hasn't been active or reachable, and Leon was dead between April and December, so.

Still, they're new here.

True.

So Jewel, what's our topic?

That depends on what you and Spine know of my current situation?

Laurie told me about how badly you've been hacked lately, if that's what you mean.

That's... the main concern, yeah. But we also spoke about making sure that we all conquer our fear and anxiety about that situation, as well as become brighter ourselves, because that would help immensely.

I heard you talking about that elsewhere, yes.

I am also aware of both points.

That's good.

Hey, what are we listening to?

"The Gaudy Side Of Town," by Gayngs. I've been slightly smitten with it lately.

I was wondering what this was. Nice.

Geez, I just feel so out of it today... I'm sorry if it feels a little vague in here.

Hey, if you're overexerting yourself, let us know. We'll talk as long as we can; the last thing we need is a security breach because you're starting to unhinge. Be careful.

I will. Oh, on that note-- let's start with you, Spine. Since you showed up and have been hanging around, Julie has really taken a step back. I'm not getting as many warnings as I did only a few days ago, even considering how... traumatic the past two actual hacks were.

I refuse to let her take advantage of your body anymore.

She's taking advantage of a heck of a lot more than that, you know.

If you say. But I am most concerned with her abusing his only form. You have the influence over his other vital workings, to protect.

Run that by me again?

I apologize. You protect his self. I protect his form.

Ah, okay. That's true enough, for specifics.

Do you think Julie knows that? Was she even aware of Spine's existence before she became active?

I doubt it. Even we weren't fully aware of her until the whole Razia's Shadow incident, and that just happened on July 19th.

July was horrific.

Your whole freaking summer was horrific, kid, but it needed to happen. Seems like you're fated to learn things the hard way at this point.

Well I do ask for it. I ask for suffering to give me empathy and strength, and I do get that from it.

You are asking to be destroyed?

...That's the issue. I'm asking for suffering, but I'm giving in to the wrong sort of it. I'm failing to realize the distinction between the positive and negative, and the fact that their repercussions will affect me in the same manner.

Hmm. But you told me Julie has no care but for herself. So she is negative always. Shouldn't you recognize that by now?

He does, but he second-guesses himself. We're trying really bloody hard to overcome that right now, as I am dead sick of it.

...I am too.

We have made real progress, though. We've only had three hacks this year so far, and December wasn't that bad either... not compared to what we've been through in the past.

That's called being optimistic. I'm a brutal realist when it comes to J's well-being. One hack, no matter how small, is one hack too many. We all know that. So I am really thankful that Leon and Spine are around now, as they've both helped a heck of a lot towards keeping her out of here.

Speaking of, where is Leon?

Keeping watch with Jo, I would hope. Someone needs to stay active when we're all in here.

I told him to stand guard, don't worry.

Good. Because we don't have much time to discuss things anyway.

We don't have that much to discuss today, though, do we?

Not openly. Right now I want to bring up your problems with Josephina.

What? He's causing problems?

Unintentionally. Turns out that, of all the headvoices up here, Jewel is having a very hard time connecting to him. I've noticed that myself. What I'm thinking is that J is still unable to get over the initial shock of meeting him, and so he's unwilling to open up.

What did he do to meet him?

I... wait, Spine, do you know about the... the 'grave' situation?

On your arms?

...Yeah, those.

Yes. I spoke to Laurie as I did not like the idea at first. How is this relating to Josephina?

When I first understood the situation that triggered the grave-digging, I was desperate for help. I met Josephina shortly after, and being so bloody distraught, I agreed to test J's motivations in a way that I really should not have done. I am so terribly sorry.

Laurie, I thought you said that was your only option then, considering the circumstances.

I can't say for sure. I thought it was, yeah, but who knows what else I might have realized if I had the time?

Wait, you two were entirely responsible for that? I thought Julie was involved?

Julie was the catalyst, but she wasn't directly involved. J had been badly abusing himself... Jo and I just stepped in to try and make him realize what he was doing. Unfortunately it fell through, once again due to the kid's bloody uncertainty in himself, which we were ironically trying to subvert throughout that entire horrific incident.

So it's my fault.

It's partly your fault, definitely, but it's also partly ours. We went about that in the wrong way.

What did you exactly do?

...We imitated a Julie hack. We weren't trying to hurt him, ever, but since we weren't actively stopping his abuse that kind of took her place.

They were trying to make Jewel realize exactly what was happening in the hacks, without actually hurting him in the process.

But he was hurt.

It was my own fault.

Come on, kid, it was our fault too. And the past is past; now all we can do is learn from it.

Wait, how was Josephina even able to do that... to him? Shouldn't a positive voice be entirely incapable of that?

That's what's been deeply bothering me. See, Jo's role seems to be diligence and self-realization, but he's rather brutal about it.

He's like you were in the beginning.

That's what bothers me. I don't like that. The big issue is that I honestly have no bloody idea what he was born from. He formed in mid-July, for heaven's sake! Even if he did form from the retrospective understanding of what was happening around that time, that is far from a purely positive source. He may be a good guy, but there's definitely a darker side to him, and geez, now that's bothering me...

Sorry.

Don't apologize, this is important. We need to figure out exactly what Jo's situation is, and if he does carry a negative influence inside him, we need to get that the heck out.

Didn't you originally say he was 'our version of Julie' or something?

Yeah, I remember that. It's because he deals with the same primal issues she does, but he deals with fighting them instead of-- holy swords, that might be it. Maybe it's just his awareness of that?

That sounds reasonable. But then you can't really take that out of him, can you?

No, but we can change how he deals with Jewel concerning that. He really is being too rough on him, not in terms of strictness, but because he is unaware of the kid's real situation. Like you said, Chaos, he's like I was when I started out. I didn't know why Jewel was always losing to Julie, so I assumed he just wasn't fighting, and that pissed me off. That might be how Jo is seeing this.

So... should I just talk to him one on one?

Sure, if you can. That might be the best option here.

I will accompany you. I do not know Josephina well either.

Maybe you should wait until after Jewel talks to him, Spine. That way you won't infringe on the actual conversation. I don't think Jo would be very comfortable with you around, no offense.

Understandable. I will wait.

I don't know if I'll be able to do that tonight, though. I might have to wait until tomorrow and then write it down so I don't forget what we discussed. Maybe I'll even do that here.

Good idea.

I'd like to talk to Leon like that too, eventually. I'm much more comfortable around him, especially because of how he's been helping us since he became permanent, and what he's seen happen firsthand... he's not as obstinate as Jo, so he really took that hard. He knows what it's like to be absolutely terrified of Julie and what she can do to us, and although I know we're all trying to overcome the fear issue, he can at least relate to me on that level.

Yeah, Jo's not one to panic.

He is surprisingly stable.

That's probably because of what he deals with.

True. He's got that all figured out, so Julie is just a threatening annoyance. Really, Jewel, you should be viewing her as that at this point.

I would if she wasn't so hellbent on destroying me specifically. I'm the only person up here that she can manipulate for her own ends, and as she literally cannot succeed with me as I am, she's determined to 'rewrite' me. She runs on the old code, the bad code.

What is old code?

It's upstairs jargon for all the outdated and corrupt ideas that outside society tends to run on. On the same level, 'new code' is what all of us here run on, in that we reject that garbage and build our own moral codes on righteousness and the like.

So code is moral code.

Pretty much, yeah. You're catching on quick.

I have many years to make up for.

How long have you been around, Spine?

I have not had a stable form for very long, but as a presence I have been dimly existing since Jewel came into physical being. I am a basic creature at the start, as I only seek to protect his form here. But now I need to grow, as that is not the only concern and it is not the most important. But it is important.

That's for sure. J really needs to realize that right about now, too.

It's just so hard for me to identify with any aspect of my physical form right now as it's completely disconnected from me on anything above base level. They're the bones that carry me and that's it.

Is that why Spine looks like she does?

Possibly. It's an interesting thought.

I have always been like this.

Heck, so has Jewel! Up to this point he didn't even realize that he had a body. That's why it's such a bloody mess right now, pun unfortunately intended.

How can he not realize he has a body?

I have a hard time even recognizing physical reality as a whole some days. I'm a soul, after all, and I've always viewed myself as that alone... so I really was ignorant of the concept that I was this body, at least in the sense that it was how I existed on the physical level.

It's not you in the identity sense.

No. It's not and it will never be, no matter how close I can get it to match what I can function as.

When do you start transition? I want to help.

I don't know yet. I'm seeing a therapist about that on the 27th, and God willing we'll start taking some major steps towards that. The only problem is that I really can't make any progress there until I stabilize my overall situation.

You need to get the heck out of this house.

To say the least, yes. I need to get myself into a safe and positive environment, because if I start transitioning while I'm still in a negative one, well...

Is your family the biggest problem, then?

Sadly, yes. It's just so hard to accept that because I don't like acknowledging vicious responsibility like that, even when it's justly and explicitly earned.

In other words, they could flat-out tell you they're at fault, and you'd still have a hard time accepting that.

Paradoxically, yes. I mean, I know this negativity is due to their attitudes and lifestyles, which I've been exposed to all my life, but even knowing that for sure doesn't make it any easier to admit.

That sounds like it may tie into your uncertainty problem, too.

Yeah, you're right. Add another point to the list of things we need to fix ASAP...

I feel really bad about not having overcome this stuff yet.

Hey, no one is born perfect. Be thankful that you're wise enough to recognize problems like this and brave enough to try as hard as you do to conquer it.

She's right, you know.

I agree.

I suppose so. I'll continue to do my absolute best either way.

That's all you can do, really. As long as you don't give up or compromise, you'll be fine.

Giving up isn't an option, and we know that. It's the compromise point that's pissing me off.

Maybe I should read Watchmen again.

Maybe if Manhattan wasn't such a walking trigger you could. Stick to JTHM.

I think that ultimately affected me more, really.

Because Johnny is practically your twin. He's just genuinely disturbed, which you may have been but for the grace of God, so to speak.

Amen to that...

Plus you seem to have waste-lock tendencies the way it is, what with how self-sacrificial you are. 'Oh sure, I'll take on the dregs of the world if it means no one else will have to put up with it-- wait, it doesn't work like that? Well, at least I'm making things better than they could be...'

That sounds like the Jewel I know, yeah.

What else could I possibly do, though? I can't just stand by and let people suffer if I can do something about it. And... even if I can't do anything directly, sharing in their suffering at least gives me understanding.

But you take that to extremes. You take on suffering when it's not yours to take. How would you feel if someone stole your hardships, when you knew they held lessons you could not learn without them? You're not the only one whose life is a stunning lack of coincidences... you're just one of the few people I've ever seen with the ability to discern that truth. You deserve what you're given, but when you go out and ask for extra because you don't feel you're being punished enough, that's out of line. It's not justice, kid. The fact that you keep compromising and killing yourself in the bizarre belief that you deserve every ounce of that for your 'sins' is not justice. It's abuse. Spine, you're connected to this situation, what do you think?

I have said before. His taking on undeserved pain is admirable, but it is not fair.

See, there you go. Take your good intentions and put them elsewhere, where they won't freaking kill you.

I'm really going to have to think about all of this. I've always assumed that I deserve the pain I seek out and force myself into, but maybe that's just my using the infamous 'fate' excuse. Maybe 'fate' is having to warp because of my choices. Maybe my choosing this false justice really is twisting my karma, and that's why things keep turning out for the best anyway. But they would have with or without my destroying myself.

I like that perspective.

I do too. I don't... I don't want anyone here to bleed anymore.

Same, believe it or not.

Laurie? I thought that was a coping method? Or has it been switched?

Oh, it's been switched all right. The kid drove it to extremes. Instead of giving himself exactly what was deserved, he went above and beyond, to the point where he was giving himself even too much for my standards. Lynne, I know we don't usually involve you in this, but have you seen how many scars Jewel has at this point?

I've seen the ones on his arms, if that's what you mean. I was under the impression that those were strictly needed, though.

They were. But there ended up being far too many of them in the end anyway. Still, I'm not talking about those alone. I'm talking about the fact that he also has scars on his legs, chest and back on top of all that. If I hadn't stopped him the other night, there would be a heck of a lot more than there are now.

...Wow. I... I didn't know that. Jewel, are you going to be okay?

I'm not really sure. I thought I deserved these when... when I gave them to myself.

You didn't. That was you giving yourself way too much blame as usual.

But Laurie, you saw what I let her do to me!!

And why the heck did you do it? Because you lost control. You put yourself in an incredibly unstable and dangerous position, and once you realized what had happened, you were literally sobbing over it. Don't you DARE try to convince yourself that you want her to do that, because you DON'T. That's the only reason she even gets away with her abuse in the first place!

I don't want her anywhere near me. I don't.

Then stop trying to force yourself to think you do.

I will. I will. I'm just so tired of this.

We all are.

Besides your learning how to affirm your own free will, which for some insane reason you keep forgetting you have, we are doing everything we can under the circumstances.

I know.

Then stop acting like you're the biggest sinner on earth, because you're not.

...

I know it's hard for you to believe, what with your disposition for that sort of thing, but it's true. Look to your left and tell me that's not true, if you can.

I...

Laurie, please..

Hey, it's the absolute truth. As long as he's alone, he's going to believe he's the worst man to have ever lived. When he's with people that truly know him, like you and me, suddenly he can't believe that anymore. That's why I refuse to leave him alone even for a moment. That's why I refuse to let anything happen to anyone up here with him, even in the smallest aspect. There is a really deep synchronicity running through us all and if we overlook that, if we even underestimate that significance in the slightest, then we are lying to ourselves.

...

You are quite eloquent, Laurie.

Heh, I have to be. I'm often the only person keeping this entire operation together when things get ugly. Of course, my words would be pretty worthless if I didn't have someone to say them to.

I need them.

Exactly. And I need you, kid, so it balances out.

You know, that gives me a whole new perspective...

What?

That. What you just said about all of us being connected. That's absolutely true. I just... well, I never really thought about it like that before. I never thought about just what that entailed.

Well, you should. We all should. That goes for you too, Spine.

I will think.

Good. So will I.

Laurie, I...

What is it, kid?

...This is all making me think about last night.

Holy swords, you're right. Uh, I hate to cut this off so fast, but Lynne? Can you take Spine with you and go help Jo and Leon until we're finished?

Why, would you rather talk in private?

For this point, yeah. Sorry.

It's all right. I understand that there are some things only you three can really deal with, and that's okay.

Good, I thought you were getting suspicious.

Haha, should I be?

No, heh. Everything's cool.

All right, if you say so. Come on, Spine.

I appreciate your letting me speak. Thank you.

Hey, we expect you back in here soon enough, you know. You're part of this dysfunctional family now.

I am sure I will enjoy it. Good night.

There's something strangely endearing about watching her trying so hard to be 'normal' this suddenly. Means a heck of a lot that she's this dedicated, though.

...

Hey, you two okay?

Yeah.

My mind is just... very much elsewhere. I'm... well, I'm not sorry, I just feel bad that it's distracting.

Well hey, that's a definite improvement. As long as you're still paying attention to us it's no problem. You are paying attention, right?

Yes, completely. My mind just keeps coming back to this though.

Then it's okay. Where do you want to start?

I want to start with when you told Chaos about your scars.

You told him already?

Course I did, he deserved to know after the hell he suffered through on Wednesday.

That's true...

So that made me think about a few important things... it's what I mentioned on Friday. I was doing chakra research for Puppetstrings and that reminded me of how, although I've always identified with the color red, it doesn't match me in terms of symbolism... at least not that I can tell.

Why, what's the symbolism?

Red works with self-preservation, survival, action, passion, courage, confidence, power, stability... that sort of thing.

Everything you have trouble with, haha.

I realized that. So maybe it's not so much my 'personality' as it is things I need to positively enhance and accept. I just have this habit of associating those things with selfishness, and red with hedonism as a result, so it bothers me very much.

Then change the symbolism for yourself. Make yours the most positively selfless red the world has ever seen. Still, it's definitely noteworthy that you're associating survival with the primal base of life, as opposed to the higher aspects of it. That's a major problem. Survival isn't just about keeping Spine happy, so to speak. Survival is also about keeping yourself functioning on an emotional and psychological level, which you've never had an easy time with. Plus you do need more confidence, to say the least.

You're right... I guess I just need to stop worrying about outside influences once again. Just because I've learned to give those qualities a negative connotation doesn't mean I have to keep it that way.

So can you deal with that for now?

Yeah. Yeah, I can handle it. It's kind of ironic.

How so?

I'm not 'red' enough to fully realize that I have control over my own life.

Then you need all the red you can get, within safety and reason.

I'm just terrified of Julie using the... physical aspect of it to hurt me.

She won't hurt you with that. Not if you fight her. Not if you remember what we keep telling you, and stop being so bloody uncertain about it.

I know.

Then do it. Now I remember you saying that you felt my being violet was significant?

Yeah, it's the polar opposite of red as I currently see it. Violet represents wisdom, understanding, spirituality, motivation, dignity, awareness, knowledge... the things I hold in high esteem.

You're forgetting that violet is made of red and blue, though.

I...

That's... that really adds a whole new dimension of meaning to this.

No kidding, haha. So J, what's blue?

...Truth, sincerity, intuition, trust, peace, communication, patience, expression, contemplation...

There you go. And according to what you're reading, blue and red helps with inspiration.

It's almost frightening how well everything we ever find applies to our lives.

What did I tell you? There's some serious light at work here. So we have violet for understanding and enlightenment, blue for expression and truth, and red for bravery and survival... makes sense to me.

And both Jewel and I have an underlying connection to green.

Tell me about it. If that wasn't obvious I'd be seriously concerned. What's the specific symbolism for it though?

Balance, growth, healing, hope, self-control, compassion, optimism, humility, and love.

Love is the major aspect.

Yeah.

Speaking of, what's this about your soul form looking 'bizarre' now?

That's what I was leading into. Um... well, remember how it used to be relatively simple, and I just had wings, antennae and a tail along with the visual shift?

Both stages?

Yeah, the normal soul form and all the higher ones.

Mind explaining those? It's been a heck of a long time since those were an everyday topic...

It has. Uh, soul forms are all triggered by extreme positive emotion, and although they have a specific appearance the higher details can vary according to the individual.

Gonna get all technical, huh?

Yeah, it's second nature when I write as much as I do. The soul form stages turn one energy-based, and in the first two stages, the energy is a 'starfield' color. It's hard to explain-- it looks as if you suddenly became made of the night sky.

I've seen them, yeah.

On top of that, the individual's eyes turn entirely white, and in the center of their chest is an energy glow, the color of which varies from person to person.

I assume yours was red?

Yeah, it was. But some individuals also gain two energy wings in this form, which carries into the second stage. In that stage, all individuals have two or four wings, which are usually angelic in appearance but can also be abstract like mine. In both of these stages there can also be minor appearance variants, like how I had a tail, depending on what is needed to reflect the unique personality of that individual. Mind you, I'm just speaking from the limited experience I've had with these-- they're not easy to come by, at all.

I know. I'm just making sure I understand what the old 'norm' was before we go discussing new stuff.

Okay. So the second stage has the same starfield appearance, but the eyes change color to match the energy glow, and there is a second smaller glow in the center of their forehead.

I am getting a major J-Monster vibe from this.

You should; this is canon.

Wait, you're serious?

Yeah. Soul forms are just an incredibly obscure and rare occurrence so they haven't been mentioned in what I have written yet. But back on topic. The third soul stage is the last one, and it looks markedly different. The starfield changes to an overall luminous white, the glows and eyes stay the same but are more pronounced, and the number of wings changes to four or six. The wings are the weird part though-- they're still energy-based, but their appearance will always change from how they were in the past two forms. Mine were still 'cathedral style,' but they were significantly more elaborate. Genesis's looked like they were made of light ribbons, Ryman's were made of sapphires, Markus's were actually rose petals, and Chaos, yours--

Mine were like, filigree glass or something.

Geez, that sounds gorgeous.

They are. Were, really... like I said, I don't know if this is a permanent shift, but for some reason mine have changed entirely. I don't think anyone really reached theirs from 2006 to 2007, and then in 2008 there were a few incidents in which we did... most notably on August 23rd.

I don't think either of us slept that night.

I doubt it. That's usually what happens after... well. I don't know if Laurie knows.

Kid, I could guess and I'd get it right with how well I know you two.

You probably could.

So... was that the last time either of you reached Soul form until recently?

Yeah, that was pretty much it. Things just got so incredibly negative that we couldn't get that high.

I don't remember exactly when I tried to hit mine again... it was almost definitely around December 23rd, though, so we'll go by that. Anyway, I seriously doubt I jumped three levels, but I ended up warping straight into the luminescent stage.

No starfield, huh?

No, which is really weird as that shouldn't shift at all. But that's not what I hit. I... this is really bizarre, but... every scar I have turned into a red ribbon.

Seriously?

Yeah. This was back when it was just... just my arms and legs, so there were like fifteen on each of my arms alone. They spiral around me and then sort of phase out into the air. But that's it-- my eyes go white, but I have no wings, and the soul glow is in the shape of a heart.

How the heck are all your scars from the other night going to affect that now?

I have no idea. It'll be... interesting. But there's going to be a lot more red on me either way.

Chaos, have you seen him like this yet?

Yeah, he showed me back when it first happened. It's beautiful but it's... really painful to think about.

And have you tried to reach yours to see if it switched?

Not yet. I was going to last night but Jewel wanted to talk about this with you first.

Huh. Well I honestly have no clue why your soul form switched, J, unless it's severely reacting to your emotional state, but I'm really curious now. Let me know how yours turns out, Chaos.

Something tells me that if Jewel's is different, mine will be too.

About that. Let's hit the last topic. Jewel, last night you had the first positive reaction you've felt in months, and to top it off it was concerning something that you swore had been corrupted for you indefinitely.

I know. So this is both incredibly beautiful and incredibly strange.

I think we should mention what it was about.

Jewel's too affected to discuss it outright, so I'll say it. It was about the heart point that we've discussed in depth previously. You thought your trip out west this summer had permanently destroyed all the positivity that used to hold for you, but apparently it didn't.

Julie tried to destroy it too.

She's the devil in pigtails, I know she tried. And that's what made your experience in Utah so much worse-- not only were you forcing yourself through something that would have been traumatic under any circumstances, but with the Julie hacks on the same subject, you were practically asking to be mindraped.

I was.

That's why I'm so completely stunned that it came back so fast, so completely, and so positively. I mean, really, I saw you last night! You were like twelve all over again with how that hit you.

Not twelve; fifteen.

Oh man, now you have Chaos looking like that too.

Well excuse me if I have a deep emotional involvement with this situation.

Heh, no kidding. But hey, there's a thought I've been meaning to ask-- do you get as incredibly fragile as Jewel does when this topic comes up? Because he practically dissolves.

That's because he's still so innocent, remember? No matter how many times he feels something like that, it absolutely overwhelms him. I get that too, but in a different way. For me it's more of a... you know, it's the water and ice thing, really.

I thought it was fire and water?

That's a different concept, but it is part of this topic. Jewel has always been a paradoxical combination of ice and fire, but they apply in the sense that his dreams say they do.

Powers of ice and a soul of fire.

Exactly. So the ice is what he projects. You know that about him too; he tries to keep things quiet and he tries to put up a solid front, but if a spark catches, he just melts entirely.

I caught that reference. So that's his fragility, sure, but what about you?

Well, think about it. I fit the ocean aspect.

Oh, that sort of overwhelming. Okay, I can definitely see that in you. Geez, you two love your symbolism..

Maybe this is what those people meant when they said 'thinking is bad.' Maybe they didn't mean it in and of itself, but only when compared to this sort of thing.

Mind elaborating on that?

Thinking is a good thing, but there are some things in life that absolutely evade words and language. There are things that transcend my capacity to speak, leaving me with naught but indescribable emotion...

And so you reach out in wordless sorrow, praying for a single moment of euphoric refuge...

Words don't apply here. This is... this is above that. That's what they meant. When comparing spoken language and the language of the soul, it... you just can't compare them. Words pale in comparison. They're not bad in the moral sense, but in the sense that they are so entirely inadequate when it comes to this.

You tried to put seven years into 500 words, and no matter how much truth they hold, they can never contain all of it.

Exactly.

Maybe that's a part of this too. In Utah, you were trying so hard to convert everything into logical terms and simple language that you lost all the meaning you needed to express. You all forgot what you were even trying to say, or show, or understand. That's why it destroyed you. You felt it was wrong.

But it... this came back through words.

No it didn't. Listen kid, I read them. I also remember when you read that book by Jonathan Safran Foer and were absolutely distraught for weeks over how badly you felt he had misunderstood the concepts he was writing about. Those words you found last night could have hit you just as negatively, but the delivery was different. The understanding was different.

How did the book understand it?

It was an entirely different concept. The main character, Oskar, had this random idea that everyone should-- you know what, here's the quote. "What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls?" And on the surface that seems fine, but that's what bothered me. I wrote a reply to that in a personal review, and it was as follows: "I find the heart to be the most intimate and inviolable part of a person, as well as (obviously) the most vital. This 'invention' of Oskar's, the very first we are exposed to, holds no greater meaning that I can see other than completely eliminating that vital secrecy. By demeaning the heart to just another noise on the street, by turning something incredibly personal into something everyone has access to without even asking, he practically prostitutes the personality of all who swallow those little microphones. Does he even think about what he hopes to accomplish with these inventions of his? Is nothing sacred?"

I can understand why you were so offended.

Chaos, you have no idea. He seriously did write an entire freaking review to remind himself of the truths the author had apparently misunderstood.

Sure, but I do have an idea. Don't forget that he and I have the exact same viewpoint on this topic.

Hey, so do I. And that's the reason why we see such a huge difference between that quote and the one the kid found. Mind posting that, J?

"If you were to press your heart close up against somebody else’s heart, eventually your hearts will start beating at the same time. And two little babies in an incubator, their hearts will beat at the same time. Love that. So if you have somebody in your life that is prone to anxiety, like myself, and if you happen to be a calm person, you could come up and hug me heart to heart and my heart hopefully would slow to yours. And I just love that idea. Or maybe yours would speed up to mine. But either way, we’ll be there together."

So besides the incredibly obvious J-Monster connection there-- pun entirely intended-- this one keeps every bit of that 'intimate and inviolable' aspect intact. The part that J is apparently reacting to, though, is the connection bit.

Pun entirely intended.

You know it.

But without that last line, I think I would have missed that. It would have sounded too much like the person was giving random advice that was once again detracting from the significance that concept holds. It would have sounded too detached and methodical. But... then they add 'we'll be there together,' and that just gives the entire thing the right meaning.

Kid, I think you should explain the J-Monster point or no one else is going to get why this is affecting you so much.

Are you sure?

I am absolutely sure. Write it down.

Okay, um... there's something called a 'soul connection' that can occur between any two J-Monsters if they have a significant emotional link with each other.

In other words, if they're completely in love with each other.

Yeah. ...I have it described as 'the absolute most intimate and significant thing any two can do concerning their personal relationship, and so it is never taken lightly.' What happens is that an actual permanent connection is forged between those two souls, and it's an incredibly involved process, but in order to even initiate that you first have to... you have to do what that quote was talking about.

Also if two individuals do go all the way through with that connection, they have every right to troll the world by changing their FB relationship status to 'married.'

Can't; Jewel's a celibate in the human sense and he doesn't want that misinterpreted.

Wow, man, I don't think you've ever flat-out admitted that you two have done that!

...Uh, I think you're right...

Score. Now we just sit back and wait for the bad fanfiction to pour in.

Laurie I am really really trying hard not to change entirely to fire over here.

Heh, I figured as much. Sorry. So yeah, secret's out for you two, what, five years late?

Going on six and Jewel I think I know exactly how you feel right now.

Yep, when the punctuation disappears you know it's serious. So let's finish this up because it's already 2 in the bloody morning and I know how unstable Jewel gets at this hour. The reason that quote helped you to see the entire heart concept as a positive thing again is because you understood what the words didn't say. In all the situations that hurt you concerning this, words had done nothing but suffocate you and hide the truth you were looking for... sometimes they even lied to your face, making you forget what the actual concept even was. The reason that quote reduced you to a fragile wreck at 1 in the morning is because you know what it's like to trust someone enough to be with them on that level. You know that it's more than just a random action or idea-- you know exactly how difficult it is to let someone get that close to you, but you also know exactly how deeply it affects you once someone does get that close. That quote brought back your light because you have that sort of connection; you have that sort of indelible and inviolable truth running through your veins. Both of you do. Seeing those words didn't give you anything, it just reminded you of what you already have together. And now I'm going to stop because if I don't you are both going to kill me.

No, I think I'm just going to die. Metaphorically.

Well, if you're going to heaven then make sure you take your angel with you and oh man, I really need to shut up. This is hilariously amazing.

Laurie, I will send you a postcard.

I honestly don't know if I should be ticked off or thrilled at the thought that you two might not get any sleep tonight.

Laurie?

What?

Shut up.

Hahaha! Oh man, you two are gone and we're still online. Jewel, are you even capable of closing this up or should I take the wheel for the time being?

I think I can handle it.

You're shaking, kid. Are you sure?

Pretty sure. At least it'll give me time to stabilize so that I don't absolutely shatter from this.

In a positive sense, I would hope?

In the most positive sense possible.

Then maybe you should let that happen.

Laur, you are in way too much of a good mood. Are we effervescing that much?

Could be. I have just literally never seen either of you in this sort of state, and as this is something inherently positive, I am downright psyched.

Life balances out, I guess.

Geez, if this is "balancing out" then I am seriously underestimating what you two would get from... yeah, Jewel, you're both going to heaven.

I am also getting off this laptop before that happens, mind you. Laurie, it is awesome to see you in such a good mood but I can only take so much teasing on this subject before I fall into it outright.

Heheh, I know. But someone has to do it.

Dear Light, Ed Harcourt just came up on iTunes...

I told you the universe loves me. Us.

It really does.

I freaking love you both, seriously. So I'll stop putting fuel on the fire and let you two sleep, or not.

Thank you.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Laur.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Laurie, I swear, if I wasn't absolutely incapacitated right now--

I'm kidding, geez! A postcard will be fine.