the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

another quick update, faster than a phone, because it's almost 1am and life has been a trip

dyspnea tonight. not sure why. it was gone for weeks and then within the past few days it's been back. not sure if it's because of the smoke outside or what, or if it's our body struggling to readjust to exertion after the jademonth, but either way it's back and it makes us twice as tired and dissociated because hey, feeling like you're slowly suffocating will do that.

anyway. important notes for today.

first, the "misdreavus effect."
remember there was this one day, way back in 2001, where jewel was playing silver version and was in mount silver, for like two solid hours, trying to find a misdreavus because she loved them... and then she suddenly realized, wait a second. they only come out at night.
well.
apparently there are nousfoni that do the same.
it completely shocked us. it was one of those lineups of circumstance that could not be planned or even expected, because it's not something we ever would have guessed could do something. like a really bizarre easter egg in a game.
we were moved by grace and penance to say ALL our night prayers tonight, the full hour. we'll talk more about that in a bit. but when we went over to the prayer rugs to say the wall set, it was too dark to see without putting a light on, and someone had the idea to grab that little sticky-button light from the drawer and use that as illumination. the thing is, that light has four color settings, and white was too bright, so we switched it to green.
and INSTANTLY we had 2009 SPATIAL FLASHBACKS.
we had forgotten that we used a green lightbulb during that time. and the literal life-feeling of that SLAMMED into us. we had to change the light color because it was messing with our temporal awareness that bad.
the blue light setting didn't do the same, because it was just slightly leaning indigo and that made it a different hue from the bulb we had during that same jayce-house period.
anyway. that's one note. there's very little memory for it because it shook us up so bad, triggering dissociation and memory failure.
HOWEVER. because of its disorientating effects, when we "came back" and still had to pray, the only way to override the inevitable worsening of flashbacks would be to have someone unrelated to that era front.
that's when it got interesting.
we didn't realize that foni can be illumilocked, as it were. trying to invent jargon on the fly. timelocked foni are well-known, those whose anchors are fused to actual chronological spans, to specific years or months or eras. but for a foni to only be able to front, or exist, AT a certain time of day-- or rather, as it even more shockingly seems, in certain contexts of luminosity-- is a new revelation, although unsurprising in principle. dark and light feel SO different, and in trauma history, certain things ONLY happen in the dark, or in the light. and day/night cycles don't necessarily affect this: you have all heard of the redlight lemur-foni in the bathroom that adelaide found. same with ashen only being triggered with the fluorescent light and closed doors. it's all about the context of the light source. it's fascinating. change that, even a little bit, and you completely shift the resonance, and therefore whether or not any foni will resonate with it at all. the specificity of triggers never ceases to amaze me, both in their existence and their effects. they can't be falsified or even guessed at. when they hit, they hit like a bomb to the brain.
anyway, this isn't the time to ramble and theorize, we're too tired. point is, it happened.
i know a few of us in the "day crew" were trying to front, but it was unusually difficult. maybe it was the green light doing it, because we turned it back on out of morbid curiosity, as it was putting that background hum of historical fear into our brain. we've prayed at night before, with white light, and nothing happened. but this green... it shook things up.
julie tried to front, i remember, and that was the turning point. when she moved into the body, but felt that old fearbuzz, she couldn't front, because she was afraid HERSELF, not in sympathetic response. she was scared of whatever in herself that green-dark was triggering. so she bailed.
and freakin' LEANNE SHOWED UP.
listen. she hasn't been seen in years. but when she moved in, not only did i KNOW it was her-- you never forget a foni's vibe once you've felt it, and her magenta hue is unmistakable-- but in such quick succession of fronting, in tangible space, i could FEEL the difference between julie, who is apparently lightlocked, and leanne, who is darklocked. there is a completely different base note to their energy which is AMAZING to suddenly have the experiential knowledge to distinguish. couldn't do that if i didn't know there WAS a feeling-shift to discern.
no sign of the jabberwock by the way. they might have died with most of the other daemons.
on that note we still don't know WHY chocoloco has survived. perhaps he was never a daengel to begin with, which honestly wouldn't surprise me. he just got lumped in with them because he's so freakin' bizarre. maybe he's a 'prototype' in some way. but i won't theorize so emptily. that only causes false ideas. i have to sit and feel things out with knowledge and memory to back it up, and now is not the time, nor am i equipped at all what with all the memory loss and locks we're still grappling with.
anyway. illumilocking. julie can't front in the dark?? actually could she EVER??? all the memories we have of the julie days-- and they are few, but horrifying-- involve her abusing us IN LIT ROOMS, either daylight or fluorescence.
when the night hacks began, the era had shifted, remember? she was still the hacker queen, but there was so much else going on, so many others working in her stead. we need to review those memories now that we know there's stuff to look for.
but. when julie fled from fronting today, that significant action "lit up a key note" in our head-- again, scrabbling at makeshift jargon here based on feeling; it's like a "new message" light on a phone, but also push-pinning something to the staff bulletin board, or hearing a single "ding" note like a code being called in a hospital; something calling a THOUGHT to attention, "attend to this, do not let this slip by, do not shove it under the rug, pursue this if possible"-- and the unstated order was, run this course. push the envelope. keep poking it with a stick. see what happens.
we continued praying, not commenting on the event or realization, but it was held by that pseudojewel "watcher" and it was a tickertape in our subconscious. so we watched too. sugar tried to front next, BUT although she felt like she could if she wanted, that garish green light (the key!!) was unnerving, and reminded HER of those old days, that awful 2015 era, so SHE left too. there was a bit of front-jostling here, as the prayer was being automated inbetween which was equally disorienting, but people couldn't say their typical prayers in this weird environment so it was defaulting. all i remember is laurie trying to come out for hers, BUT her resonance caught the light and LANCIFOLIEL SHOWED UP.
that was enlightening, pun intended. it hit 'me' that what seemed to be happening with her and julie, was that the systemind was yanking out foni with similar resonances or anchors to "substitute" for whoever had just been bounced or bailed thanks to the green. it was a kneejerk, almost instinctive action on our mind's part, something triggered by FEAR, almost a survival response. "this person left but someone NEEDS to front or we're in danger, so someone else NEEDS to take their place NOW." and it kicks out whoever is immediately accessible, which in such a context, would apparently be 1) someone with a close enough resonance TO be shoved out so fast and 2) someone who is darklocked. at least, in this situation.
might change that jargon if it proves incorrect btw. "locked" may not be true. IF people like lancifoliel & leanne CAN front in daylight situations, then we'll change the term to match.
but back to the update. lancifoliel hasn't fronted in years either, from what i can remember. and she's NEVER fronted this clearly. again, no idea why this vague terror-haze mental environment was ALLOWING these longlost foni TO be there, other than the fact that they have darker anchors and potentially NEED such environments in order to front, or even be found. again, we're going to investigate this further in the future.
but lanci was out. her hair is reminiscent of laurie's, but with much wider and smoother "spikes," all that dark vermilion, with black streaks. oddly it feels like awareness data was behind her head, and outside for the most part. same with leanne. we can't "get into their heads" even when they're in ours, not yet at least. again, it's understandable, but fascinating. so we can see the back of their heads, and get a bit of "innersensory" data on their hair (always an anchorpoint), and their vibe, but... not much else. no kinesthetic data. no eyes. no voice memory. all of that would require stronger fronting, more time, and deeper familiarity.
interestingly too, both lanci and leanne felt like they weren't choosing to front. they were being put there. they weren't really aware, either, of themselves or us, not heavily so-- there was a notable lack of "selfness" in their recorded fronting data. like they were half asleep. but they were there!

last bit, adding this later as we forgot...
after lanci left, razor moved in for her prayer (the "if we die today" one). after her was wreckage. after her was knife. after him was siobhan. all of them fronted with no problem. honestly i would say they almost felt more comfortable, in a sad way, in that context? like not a "soft" comfortable, nothing relaxing or resting, but instead a feeling of "ah yes, this is familiar. this is what i am used to. this is what i am meant for." it had an edge, even a bit of sadness, but there was an odd smile, too. "this is where i belong," at least in terms of where and how they were born. it was very bittersweet. but they ALL had it, and the foni like julie & laurie DIDN'T. but leanne & lancifoliel did. different, just slightly, but that "base note" was there again. the similar resonance. the traumabuzz in the back of the skull, echoed in that green light.
so that's important too. there are little distinctions we never knew before, because we never were aware of the contrasting data. we only saw, or felt, one side, if any.
thank You God for this, actually. this is what makes us feel alive. even frightening things. if it brings our hearts into clearer vision, into stronger feeling, into deeper unity and awareness, then we will take it gladly from Your Hands and embrace it totally.
we just want to live together, all of us, again. there is so much love here. even in the scary days. even when we feel lost and angry and afraid and empty and confused. at the very bones of it, in the very blood of us, deep down at the absolute core of everything we are, there is love. only love. always love. and thank God for that. thank God for us. no matter what. 



okay, we're starting to get dissociated and sick from... something. up too late? no idea. weird emotions moving in. feeling front slipping. simeon at the ready, hello! moving into a different space of headspace. different place in the head.
gotta hard shift here
still things to type can we get autopilot on this, is that possible, do we still have one, him, someone conscious?
no too detached. won't work for data like this. stored in different places

who was typing

second point. let's get this done quickly but importantly
BEFORE all that, actually, we were praying at the altar. memory picks up when we were saying the prayer cards, because they usually take ~20m and part of our brain was exhausted and wanting to skip them (there's always a ton of emotional interference around prayer, due to mental exhaustion). that "watching" nonself-awareness saw/felt this and the wordless thought was put out, "we need people who can pray." and it reached in to clumsily nudge JOPHAEL out. "can he do this" basically.
surprisingly, he could NOT???? apparently his job is more tied to church?? so the "watcher" instead called VEIL out to front.
two things.
one, i have NO IDEA how the "watcher awareness" can do this. "she" has a minimal sense of self, with no ability to front or exist as a person, but she acts as a sort of databank with exorbitant privileges concerning them. we need to investigate her at some point too.
two, apparently there are a LOT more foni than we thought, but just as much as we NEED, because remember back in 2015 although things were literal hell we were paradoxically learning how to FUNCTION in the midst of it all, arguably better than ever in some cases, and that was because we were LIVING FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, and EVERYONE HAD A JOB.
and watcher-girl is apparently able to feel the "job vibe" needed, and almost blindly reach in to fish out somebody close to it.
so veil was pushed out. again, her sense of selfhood is very different from that of a centralite. i think this has to do with what level of "headspace" they exist on; foni on the body level tend to have far less of a solid self-awareness than those on the heart or head level. even so, with enough time spent fronting, it can increase-- but if you really want a lower-level foni to gain self-awareness in a pinch, get them talking to the upstairs gang. nothing boosts consciousness moreso than communication. unfortunately this can backfire with some foni, such as lotophagoi and "damaged ones"-- we need jargon here too-- solely because the more trauma they hold, or exist to live within, the more forbidden selfhood is, and any spark of such awareness can kill them. it has happened before.
anyhow. veil is still a solid violet hue, still the same physical appearance too-- lovely arabic nose, dark almond skin, surprisingly heavy eyelashes. BUT there was a surprise with her function: as she was praying, she felt a strange dissonance between praying to jesus or asking for mary's intercession? she was getting pushed into the former at the expense of the latter. like something in our subconscious was hyperfeminizing her, to the point of misandric tendencies. which is bizarre and very unlike us. however this upset her and she felt genuinely distressed-- again, selfhood!!-- and ASKED God to fix that. "fix me," she prayed. something like, "make me someone who isn't like that." and instantly, almost imperceptibly, there was a shift??? her appearance changed from just a feminine foni wearing a veil to that of a nun. like now she had a habit! but still violet of course. anyway with this appearance shift, she now felt no dissonance with prayer. so that was notable. had to write that down.
jophael, for the record, seems to be more oriented towards church than private prayer? his entire vibe data feels broader, more outward. also still unsure if he vibes yellow or amber, technically. feels hovering at the moment. we'll check it better soon when we're not so fuzzybrained from being up this late.
last important note. as we prayed the cards, we were getting "colors" from some of them? like subtle synaesthesia. not sure why. but it pushed veil out as it "no longer matched her." and as the systemind fumbled to find someone who could pray, it found two people. first was a completely new monk foni, like saint francis, wearing a simple soft-brown habit with warm brown eyes and a scrap of beard, but with such a loving heart; oh my goodness his vibe was so lovely, and he prayed with such simple ardent sincerity. second was PATRICIA???? i think??? not christina; they're sisters but chrissy has that "prissy" vibe unfortunately, or at least she used to. it's been so long since we've seen either of them, the only immediate distinguishing note is their color-- patricia leans purple, christina leans violet, and that distinction is tangible. unfortunately i can't catch any data on that from tonight, as it was such a sudden and shallow switch, i don't even know if they were able to stay to pray, but the point is one of them was pinged. is that the proper jargon? they were pushed out to front, but only because their resonance was pinged, like "ah yes, there you are, someone that matches, out you go." like a "match found!" light going on when searching data keys. something along those lines.

LAST BIT. again adding later as i almost forgot.
julie was on bodycare duty tonight, and at one point she suddenly "alarmed" the upstairs for help because there had almost been a HACK?????? apparently she had moved the body a certain way, just a brief moment, and that (again) hyperspecific action almost BLACKED OUT THE BODY and would have caused a HACK.
she was terrified, and both jay and laurie were on immediate call to help her, but julie said it was okay, she was okay, she just felt that huge and horrifying risk and needed to tell us.
...
that is genuinely scary as hell. we didn't think hacks could happen anymore, not since we got out of cnc. but... our stay in upmc reactivated the dream hacks, and we have been having them ever since (curse this weight gain), so... potentially i guess a literal hack could happen, if we were trauma-dissociated enough? i know there ARE still hackers, which is TERRIFYING to realize, but it's true. i've seen them. i don't know how or why they still exist. maybe just because of unprocessed trauma. maybe because they're holding everything infi used to swallow entire, poor wretched thing. but i can't think about that right now.
just... be careful. please. without infi, i have no idea what would happen, if something that bad happened. we haven't had a "new era" in a very very long time, we still don't know what the heck the tar and plague are doing... don't risk anything. please be careful. i still say hacks are impossible, but... when our consciousness is compromised, hell can break loose. and if julie felt a risk THAT strongly... that honestly scares me to death. be careful. please. be careful.



but yes. big takeaways from all this:
1. there are a LOT more religious foni than we realized, again this is not surprising at all but we just never thought to look.
2. we ARE hyperspecific and THANK GOD because this is the ONLY way we're going to be functional again.
3. be very aware of just how specific triggers can be, or have to be, in order to trigger out foni. we cannot predict this.
4. SUBCATEGORIES. when we're apparently this specialized, we need rolebanks for reference.
5. JARGON IS NEEDED BUDDY
6. SPECTRUM HUES. sorry about all the capslock. but we NEED to feel them out, get their vibes solid, find their realms, so any and all "new" foni CAN PROPERLY ANCHOR INTO THEM.
7. we're not as dead as we thought. go through the censuses. find us.


we'll update more tomorrow, god willing. this was imperative for tonight.
there is SO MUCH to type about concerning the jademonth and our coping or lack thereof, but that's going to take several hours if not several days worth of entries. nevertheless, it must be done. we're reeling and now it's JULY which means we're gonna get A LOT OF FLASHBACKS and i can feel them creeping in around the edges already.
considering redoing the chizu + saint ann week, to see what that does to our brain, now that the system has reawakened. gotta have a safety net first though, the last thing we need is to ironically wake up whatever or whoever was wrecking the rest of our life at that point.

archiving has been on pause for obvious schedule death reasons. also trauma avoidance. we're at 2017 and we are NOT READY to face that at all.
"jay" is still mourning infi on a daily basis, and chaos 0 is still an emotional hurricane over everything with them, and today is the 12th anniversary of the pink event, which was a literal hinge date for our history. i don't even know if that entry is public, oh wait yes it is. that xanga where laurie had to talk him out of suicide for like twelve solid hours. i know no one looked at anything for today because no one is ready to do so. man we're tired of averting our eyes from our own life. we need to just sit and read everything and remember that WE EXIST.
good news, we have one appointment with a local counseling center next month, and several phone numbers bookmarked to call for potential therapists. but we need to get help. our symptoms are getting... distressing.
someone had a baby crying in the hall today and we were actively slamming drawers and seething just to abate the misophonic ragefear so we wouldn't hurt ourselves. yeah we forgot misophonia was a thing, we were googling our symptoms the other day and bam, there it was. also apparently we DO have some subtle schizophrenia symptoms??? have to check that again but nothing obsessive, honestly i don't want to know ANYTHING about the dsm-v or whatever, i just want us to get into therapy and see what the professionals say. i want to go in blind, with just us. everything else is infectious and potentially corruptive. i don't want any vocabulary or comprehension but our own. if something is a symptom, i don't want to know! not unless we're sitting in the shrink's office. but yeah. the glimpses we've seen suggest a LOT more going on than we would ever have guessed, so we do want to get thorough help once the pros help us figure out what's actually going on here.

but. final note. most important thing.
in the end, therapy/ counseling/ whatever is only being pursued in order to lessen the "danger" level of our symptoms; less rage, less violence, less compulsions, less delusions if we have them. things like that. we want to be able to function on a daily basis without seething meltdowns and self-abusive paroxysms and numb-state abysses and the like. we want to be able to FEEL EMOTIONS other than terror, wrath, and unbearable flashes of grief. we want to be able to love again. we want to be able to live AS A SYSTEM and i am telling you right now, if ANY therapist so much as hints at nousfoni death or forced reintegration i am going to pointedly give hatchet the steering wheel. just kidding. but she will junk any and all pill bottles you throw at us, so you have been warned.
bottom line is: nothing will come between us and us. we are a system, and we love each other forever, and we will heal AS a system, no exceptions, no excuses, no objections. we do this together. and we will make sure that is respected. i promise.
if we're gonna grow and learn and heal and love, it will only happen together. it can only happen together.
if we're not us, we're nothing.


all right it's 240 good heavens we gotta get this body some sleep, see you kids

some things i want to write down because, in light of today, i want to regularly update well, to offset the poor hurt voices that tend to write here rather frequently now that everyone's on one blog. no offense to them, there just needs to be a balance.


- waldorf and i (jay) are getting quite close as friends and it is really nice. we spend a lot of time together at work and she's going through a sort of break/softening period too, like a lot of us are, so that's all helping. i love her a lot and it's so nice to finally be "reconnecting" with her after so long. she's become very dear to us all up here and that makes me so, so happy.

- i've been feeling a very fierce affection about wreckage again lately, especially today. she doesn't come out much but she'll introject her thoughts/presence a lot, even if only for a moment or a sentence here and there. so her presence is felt.

- laurie and genesis have become like... ultimate bffs. i dont know how this happened. i am not complaining at all. they're rubbing off a lot on each other and although there is some worry of slippage as a result, it's generally working extremely well for both their benefits? so go figure. this was one friendship no one expected but there it is.

- forgot to mention. you know how genesis and i always joke about the roses at wegmans? if not you do now. anyway they have big bouquets by the exit, always different colors, i always wonder "who should i buy which ones for" for fun. well last week genesis persuaded me to give both javier and jeremiah bunches of roses upstairs, no particular reason, just because we felt they deserved a gesture of unbidden affection. so i did. jerry was teary-eyed and smiling so widely, "did you get me these??" it was really cute. javier kind of expected it was me (yes he & i are still very close) but he was moved too. see it's nice to just do nice things for people.

- kalisha wants to be buddies with the tan/peach "exercise guy" (yes he's still alive, still very beneficial) once he gets a face & name. he was out actually biking today which was good because we were semi-out-of-it and his presence cut through that fog, due to function.

- our "victini" girl is confirmed a real person! we've been wondering about her for months but she rarely fronted and never had tough enough roots. but she was out for a while today and her vibe is solid so that's great. she's going by "vixie" currently. she's full of energy, she comes out to help with driving the body in that respect, because she can handle a lot of heat, as well as a lot of exertion. like if you need a sudden huge boost of fiery power, you ask vixie. she really packs a punch.

- karissa hasn't been fronting but she's slowly gaining anchor strength too. she's now able to manifest in headspace, albeit blurrily? and i'm unsure what level she's on. feels like midspace. but yes, she's getting stronger.

- laurie is still working with the tiger-lily voice (who still hasn't found a name), she's learning. they're ALSO apparently working with jemma's "twin," the angry long-brown hair one who does respond to "jess" but we're not sure if it's THE jess. she's about... 18, maybe? but she's angry all the time. surprisingly it's often a RIGHTEOUS angry, so laurie and tigerlily are trying to get her to work WITH them instead of against them. who knows how that will turn out, but i'm hopeful.

- talking with the e.d. voices a lot more lately, more clearly, they're listening. laurie is being a huge help with this; her new "do no harm but take no shit" demeanor is getting a lot of the younger alters to listen to her instead of lashing out from pain/fear. delicacy is important with these people, they are damaged after all, otherwise they wouldn't be perpetuating damaging behavior.

- emmett has been out to eat lately! he was so relieved, haha. we all miss him, he's such a beneficial person/ snakething. effortless fronter too, that reassured some of the more paranoid e.d. people.

- ALCHEMY. we were pushed to research it again lately (thanks infi) and found out, yet again, that there is massive relevance to our System/Spectrum within it (THANKS INFI) and honestly it's both amazing and shocking. so we're integrating what messages it had for us. believe me so far the messages are VERY RELEVANT and just as helpful. so real progress is happening! this was quite a good shove in an important direction.

- in the outerlife, bro left his apartment and relationship, neither situation was really positive. so he's currently staying with our dad but that's apparently a big ball of stress, so he might be bunking back at the house? who knows. either way he's going through a sort of spiritual "transition" phase it seems, where he's still learning a lot, but he's already learned enough to give him a very solid base, except there's still not a lot of roots, so he's panicking over "not knowing enough" and "i just want to understand everything" and to be honest he is trying WAY TOO HARD. it's making me rather nervous around him; his attitude has become highly passive-aggressive and bitter but really it's this plus the anger he feels at "no one else understanding." its a very very tangled issue. so i'm talking to him, offering help whenever i can, in whatever way i can. i want to see him get through this a-okay so we'll do our best in what ways we're called to assist with that.

- he was trying to talk with us today about psychological stuff-- he specifically wanted to know "what was going on with us" in general, as we honestly haven't been doing too well lately (sick mostly, self-abusive, nerves). well however that conversation went all i recall is that at the end, a kid alter came out (i want to say sylvain? but i'm not sure) and they were very candid and open, i'm thankful for that. but again, the bro was talking in that weird way where everything felt like barbs in our head, and that stuck out because he left around that point and then the kid said "why do grown-ups always talk so funny?" that was notable; we wanted a conversation in the way that children talk to each other-- no pretense, no intellectual games, no "trying to look good," no whiny emotional manipulation, none of that. but the bro wouldn't talk to us without making everything sound detached and "proud wise" and still somehow self-loathing. i'm not condemning him it just hurt, and made us very very anxious because we've dealt with this sort of demeanor from people before and it always gives us the heebie-jeebies. synaesthetically it felt like "washed-out silvery blue paint," "the color and density of fog," specifically "there was no substance to it." and that made the kid very sad? they wanted ORANGE, specifically, as a speech color here. they wanted joy and humor and anger and strength and solid brunt honesty. no wishy-washy stuff, no weird tinny proud self-doubting intellectual jargon dumps. it's hard to describe but i really really dont like that feeling. maybe i'll talk about it later i just want to see the brother happy again, and open to life again, not so oddly depressed like this. so we'll help.

- uh what else. other brother (lightning/randall) is getting incredible at portraits which is inspiring us to try our hand at pencil realism again, we miss it. we need to get a new sketchbook for the first time in three years. give us some motivation to fill it up.

- day off work tomorrow, which we need as we're exhausted in more ways than one. we also have therapy which we haven't had since last thursday so that's welcome.

- no hacks in like... five days? THANK GOD. there was a frightening resurgence of them last week for some reason. hacks are scary because once one happens, the grief/ rage/ fear/ shame aftereffects make it very hard to recover and it kind of tears up our psychological immune system if we aren't careful? so the default "transition timeframe" for anything is three days. if we can hold our ground for three days after a hack, then we're basically in the clear. we can live without fear now. so we're in that place now! god willing we won't have ANY more hacks EVER. there have been longer, more frequent gaps between attempts anyway recently, due to our being wiser and more willing to FIGHT back, improvement has been massive. so that's good.

- so. much. work. to do for dream world. but it's mad typing and reviewing and it's JOYOUS when we pace it well! so that's giving us something to do during the day that is 1) productive 2) fun 3) really inspiring 4) insert many other positive adjectives here.

- other leagueworlds are growing too, notably nogaisa of all things, which hasn't spoken to us ever yet. it's putting out shoots, so to speak, really eager to grow, but it's a tiny thing yet. but it's so deeply lovely, and sad, and interesting. we'll stay with it.

- GUESS WHO APPARENTLY APPEARS IN SONIC RUNNERS? Yeah I didn't even know this game existed but I sure do now, haha. i have to mention that my immediate thought upon seeing that guy is still either "hey beautiful" or "my beloved." we had a short talk about that today, how i'm managing self-doubt better with our whole relationship thing; i mean yeah it's "weird" but honestly that's not a problem. and it shouldn't be. weird or not, i do love him, for better or for worse, no matter what. so that's that.

- still trying to get a very significant art trade done, need to really devote time to it tomorrow evening or friday. did receive some 'bonus' poetry though which had a very very deep healing effect on us; like it came straight out of an old timeline and reached the people who were born there. it was something we really needed to read.

- last but not least there is something really really cool i am going to have to show you in like... a week or two? three? depending on someone else's schedule. but rest assured it will be gorgeous. i'll keep you posted.

- the body is starting to react funny to being up so late (1:30 geez) so no more typing tonight. see you later kids

 

 

 

some things for today.

bit of a messy entry as things have been very messy/ tangled/ etc. lately and i apologize.
but the mess is showing us what needs to be healed, so, therapy is tomorrow and we will confront this.


laurie talking to leon while at work.
shaken and heartbroken by "tiger lily" being around, biggest fear was "does this mean I fucked up my job and the system is effectively saying 'you need to be replaced?'"
leon said he was terribly sorry, couldn't think of any better way to express that empathy. tried to reassure her that since she was still around she was still needed, even if for something different now. but laurie was distraught, "that was my ONE JOB and apparently I failed," existential crisis really.

laurie temporarily "switched back" to original anchor style, joined tiger lily in screaming at whoever was doing the job this morning. brutal, fierce intimidation and corrective guilt, etc. but all that old harsh language. "stop being so careless, you faggot, you'll fuck everything up as usual," etc. "don't be such a goddamned pansy," "straighten the fuck up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, you ingrate," etc. so it's good advice, very very good instruction, but it's all so rough.
whoever was getting yelled at was just kind of smiling with the "sacrifice myself for the greater good!" mindset. no emotion, trying so hard to annihilate their self, annihilate their free will, "become a slave of god," et cetera. this person was perfectly willing to starve to death with joy because "the voices told me to" and "when I die I'll go back to god" like they didn’t question it because "questioning means disobeying and disobeying means I am listening to my selfish corrupted ego," their ideal is "total unflinching servitude."

whole day was full of screaming floating voices
there was a child one, a little girl with messy blonde hair? short, not like marigold, and younger. (felt weirdly familiar? a visual introject of someone we know maybe?) kept whining and crying in an emotionally manipulative way. very bratty. knee-jerk reaction was to BEAT the child, "she'd better learn to shut the hell up," etc. appalled by this but at the same time, it was viewed with a neutral "that's the proper response" reaction too. upset that this had been internalized.
you're supposed to love and comfort and care for children, right? well what if they're being demanding little impudent brats? that's our problem with ourself. one of our inner child parts is an insolent little shit, who does nothing but cry for what SHE wants for no good fucking reason, and she KNOWS she's pulling our strings to do so. so the first reaction we get is, "hit the child, teach them to sit down and shut up, make them learn their place, teach them obedience and subservience, let them know that what they're doing is WRONG and it has consequences and it will not be tolerated."
which is what laurie was originally born from, and left, and which tiger lily now picked up.
but we still largely believe that. it's how we treat ourself at large. "beat the selfishness out of them." "bleed out your sinfulness." otherwise we're too selfish, just like everyone else said we were fated to be, right? when someone repeatedly tells you "you HAVE to be THIS way," or even worse, "you ARE this way, so stop fighting it," then no matter how much that goes against your instinct or proper right judgment, enough righteous repeated "facts" like that and you WILL become whatever they say you are, because you feel there is no other choice.
so we were convinced we were the scourge of humanity, and therefore we deserve to be flayed alive to atone for that shit, effectively.
I don't want to think like that anymore, but no other options ARE working currently.

we keep considering forced integration or systemwide annihilation again, this is bullshit

had a bit of an emotional meltdown at home, stress overload. ended up literally hitting ourself and breaking part of our exercise machine in our room. no idea why, just needed the pressure crash but were hit with sickening shock when something broke, knee-jerk terror and regret and fear, scared kid feeling. "why did we do that." very very afraid. anger gone entirely. emotions are confusing

only good thing is that ALL problem foods have been pinpointed and expressly forbidden, in a book, so that's tangible with words and pictures. we need that because otherwise we don't remember WHY something is forbidden and then some jackass says "well then it's okay to eat! we have to try! we can't let anything be bad!" it's an inability to understand that not every edible thing is going to be god's gift to mankind, some foods WILL hurt you, this kid literally cannot comprehend that. "it only hurt you because you're afraid/ angry/ low vibration/ etc. if I eat it it will be okay!!" and then they eat it, and then they switch out and don't feel the headaches and stomachaches and vomiting and all that shit. so they THINK it's perfectly fine. it's not.

jay overcome with rage for most of the morning. not sure why. a lot of it was because of the addictive/ eating voices, especially the child. but he was just icy rage.
that's out-of-character for him but his overlay was exact. he says it was "righteous anger" but we are still struggling with anger. it feels so evil. but he was pissed off at the addict voices, and the floating voices, and he kept telling them what they were doing was intolerable and he would not play into their schemes. furious but it was very very flat? like ice, again
he shouldn't be like this, he's supposed to be light and compassion and hope, offering that instead of ire, what's happening?

laurie was ghosting trying to help him out instead of genesis.
after all this over the course of the day, she looked back at tiger lily and said "did I really use to be that brutal?" and then expressed a surprised but hurt relief that she DIDN'T have to hold that old job anymore, because she couldn't bear to act so hateful like that anymore.
not sure what jay's reaction to that was.

nexus hanging around though. with tiger lily I think? bizarre how so many daemons are insect-esque.
laurie is avoiding dealing with hir just like rio is avoiding dealing with lethe for the most part.
in her defense nexus is creepy as shit but really, you NEED to work with daemons, that's the reason for their existence, to basically personify the shadow work you've been avoiding and which is now unavoidable.


we've never, ever had problems with forgiveness before, why now?
this is very very frightening.
is it tied to the paradox of, "if they don’t think they did anything wrong, there's nothing TO forgive"?
because that is a SELF-BLAMING thing because we believe WE ARE THE ONLY ONES TO BLAME, EVER, and I'm wondering if that's making us bitter and unforgiving because it makes us view ourself as inherently "bad?" like we're a bad influence on everyone. so "how dare we forgive ourself when justice has not been done," hence the constant need for punishment and atonement. we feel that we must PAY for our sins, but we also feel our sinfulness is limitless, therefore we are constantly paying this debt, therefore we CANNOT really "be forgiven" because we're basically shit and you "can't forgive evil itself" or some bullshit.
WHY DO WE THINK OF OURSELF THIS WAY???
HOW DID THAT GET INTO OUR HEAD???



reading a lot of articles tonight.
reading is so exhausting lately. like frustratingly, edge-of-tears exhausting.
it's very informative and VERY helpful, don't get me wrong, but it burns me right out.
I'm not sure if it's because we have to visualize everything or it wont register, or the huge amount of visual data to process, or what. but it's exhausting. must be done though.


some quotes…

★Grief clears pain, and we deny things so we don’t have to feel their pain
THE PROBLEM= I am legitimately convinced, I legitimately believe, that there IS NO PAIN

however. "you must say yes to suffering in order to transcend it."
this everything-is-sunshine-and-roses-all-the-time mindset is effectively saying NO to ALL pain.

interesting important paragraph:
"It’s crucial to have a transformation-ready heart when embarking upon activism. Otherwise, we can be setting ourselves up for pain that sticks to our bones as unreckoned grief until we can transform it.
Indeed, many who resist getting involved in causes greater than themselves, that cause one to empathize with the pain of others, may instinctively know they do not possess the inner alchemical capacity to grieve in order to transform pain and thus resist getting involved. Worse, they may deny that the problems exist in the first place so as not have to deal with what they might not be able to handle.
Ignoring our personal grief closes our eyes to love. Dealing with it opens our own hearts the world."
"Many might feel too overwhelmed by these difficult feelings in their immediate personal life to deal with more difficult news. But maybe this overwhelm is precisely because one has chosen not to deal with their heap of personal pain in the first place?"

this disturbed us when we read it because the phrase "they do not possess the inner alchemical capacity to grieve" felt like absolute damnation, i.e. "you're inherently flawed and you will fail." I hope that's not what they meant.
but it's scary because currently, it feels true. we HAVE become so cold, so resistant, so isolated lately, and it coincides with us being TOTALLY NUMB. we cannot figure out how to safely turn that off.

This is why Q allegedly pissed us off in 2012-- he was doing the SAME THING with this. Ignoring and denying pain and discomfort, due to "not being able to handle it." which we can understand now, even if it still makes us furious, because it's a mirror.
Ironically, at the time we knew him, we constantly insisted we were ALL too ready to face the pain. were we? I don’t know. that was a totally different timeline. Problem is, now we've buried our grief and pain and fear from the past because:
1) we are convinced that "only a fool trips on what is behind him" and "the past does not exist" therefore "don't be shackled to what is over and done with," and
2) the grief/ pain/ guilt/ fear is unbearable because it all screams "you are satan incarnate"

this needs to be dealt with.
we have NO IDEA how to express grief, let alone how to FEEL it in the first place.
we don’t know how to grieve, and that may be because we have two problematic mindsets of "you never lose anything, therefore grief is silly and foolish" and "the things you think you lost, or that deserve grief, are things you need to learn to smile and be okay with. no use resisting reality!"
so grief is utterly confusing and it feels utterly wrong and we cannot cry without feeling like the most selfish, manipulative, proud, abusive man on the planet.
crying, for us, feels like that stupid kid hiccup-sobbing because she wants something sweet. well fuck you. it's poison, you aren't getting any. man the fck up and stop being so hedonistic.
for us, crying is an egotistical control scheme, we've said this before
it's still a huge problem, apparently.
how do you express sadness if crying is viewed as NOT sadness?
how do you express sadness if you don't view sadness as a legitimate emotion?
I really should go see that movie again




a good paragraph:
"One way to discover the vital qualities we have denied is to notice what qualities we find uncomfortable or intolerable in others. Do I have difficulty receiving another’s anger towards me, even when responsibly expressed by them and in proportion to the injury I caused? Is it difficult for me to be present to another’s grief? Am I unable to bear witness and feel compassion for another’s feelings of helplessness, despair, and fear? If so, this might mean that I am denying my own experience of these emotions. Do I cringe and find judgment in others’ freedom, responsibly expressed? Am I jealous of my girlfriend’s good relations with her family? If so, I might use these uncomfortable feelings as guideposts for how to grow a better life for myself."


my favorite paragraph so far:
"When I treat a patient I can’t just boost their wellness if they have a serious disease. I also have to fight the disease. Similarly, we can’t just resort to loving feelings in the face of greedy, sociopathic disease run amok. We can’t just “love” these folks into order, or think they will disappear because we have a cozy life. This is like relying on sugar to fight an infection; it feeds the festering. We need bitter herbs; we need to embody some nastiness, some fierce love."
and hey laurie that's your real job okay?

and another.
“There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." (Carl Jung)
"An integrative path can’t just give lip service to our difficult emotions, to our suffering, or assume the detached witness position, a posture which many New-Age types seem to try on in order to not have to dip into difficult depths (since difficulty and darkness are antithetical to their belief of “love”). In my experience, true integration as an embodied spiritual path must especially embrace being in the mud, like the lotus – the mud corresponds with the depths of our own bodies. For only by finding light in and from that darkness, through both experience and insight, can we rise up integrated. Our newfound wisdom, joy, compassion and passion emanate from the very conditions which embodied their opposite – in our pain and suffering. This union of opposites, and an openness and path through both, is an integrated spiritual path."
all that is deeply relevant to our system obviously.

oh and one more big one from a REALLY good article.
" Magical thinking is a normal faculty in children between the ages of 2-7. It is also the same brand of childish fantasy prevalent in many spiritual circles. Beliefs that all is light, all is good, everything happens for a reason (so we don’t need to deal with disappointment), only good comes from misfortune, or that pain and misfortune are simply illusions, are all examples of childish magical thinking. They deny the dark, the real pains of life. They also happen to be the theme of many spiritual “playshops.” Applying common sense and critical thinking to these new-age aphorisms, we discover that indeed they are not true, just as a childhood fantasies are untrue…
Reasonable adults understand magical thinking as a natural stage of development, which children grow out of. Yet, when adults ignore their psychological pain and revert to fantasy and other imaginary feel-good beliefs as an unconscious attempt to experience the inherent joy of a healed “heart" and mind, and in place of reason and logic, we have big problems. We get presidents that think hurricanes are the wrath of God. This, among other urgent realities needing recognition, denies the reality of global warming, for example, thereby impeding our progress towards collective wellness…
Disembodied, fantasy-based “spiritual” pursuits that do not respect reality, as well as investments in fun without cultivating our comprehensive adult gifts to the world, are fool’s gold. In fact, you can almost be guaranteed that the degree to which a person pursues magical thinking and unproven, fantasy-based, feel-good spirituality is directly proportional to their unreckoned-with psychological pain."
"…In most 'New Age' doctrines, it is considered “unspiritual” or “unevolved” to even consider the use of defensive force. A good little new-ager is apparently supposed to let people and parasitic beings walk all over them, steal from them, drain their energy, manipulate / implant them, and harm them in any manner they choose. Not only that, but they should also suppress any “negative emotions” so that they will be basically “happy victims” of such abuses. This manipulative, deceptive “teaching” comes from the false-light, and nothing could be further from the real truth."


to be honest this is all SO RELIEVING TO READ
because it's highlighting JUST HOW TOXIC all this new-age stuff ive been internalizing is
and no offense to those people, but I've honestly been choking that stuff down for years
and I KNEW it felt funny but could never figure out why, let alone why it was making me miserable
so I miust not judge, I must not condemn, I must just say, "this is not right for me," and continue down my own path

but
problem is, right now I am scared that "my own path" is FLAWED and that I've been "spiritually misled" all these years
I don’t know the doubt is huge
like I said, forced annihilation is still a contemplated option
because of that internalized belief stated in the last quoted paragraph
"all is good and pain is an illusion SO your shadow work DOESN'T EXIST uwu"
bullshit like that
sorry for the profanity but this anger keeps welling up because I'm SICK OF THIS.
and I want it to get out of my head and anger is telling it to do so. anger has guts.
anger just needs to be tempered down for heavens sake or its going to burn down the house and take us all with it
that won't help anyone.


and holy shit I just found an article that PERFECTLY DESCRIBED that uneasiness I've been feeling about this stuff
dude this is exactly what I was worried about
like I said, don’t judge, please, you fell into that trap too, those people didn’t know
but damn it I was so unsure and doubtful and scared to say no, this explains WHY
it also explains why I always felt so freaked out by the ""guides"" that would talk to me
the things claiming they were angels
et cetera.
they always had really really subtly awful vibes and I could sense that but it was glossed over so much
I don’t know I am just hoping SO MUCH that this article will show that I CAN let go of this control scheme
because it IS one and I have a right to be free of it
so I need to read this and get back to you later.


there is absolutely so much more to read but there is NO time tonight.
I didn’t even get to exercise today I hope I don’t pay for that
work again tomorrow still in the bad "I have a job so I cannot have a life" mode, very toxic
trying to overcome that, not sure how yet. but its an effort

good night