081023

[prismaticbleed]

work-in-progress entry for today. posting it already so it doesn't get stuck in "unfinished entry limbo"


woke up with such a weak, fluttery heartbeat, it was terrifying.
took like an hour to get ready for day. very weak, nauseous, chest heavy, everything felt wrong and sick.

slow biking for morning mass at 1130. didn't say any other prayers yet.
spiritual communion actually hit today. no begging despair like the past three days. i think it was because we said it more conversationally, but more fervently, focusing on each phrase. something hit differently today, and we felt the spirit fly into our heart like a shot. held it there.
one good thing about not having sacramental communion for a week or so: we FEEL the spiritual hunger now. we were taking it for granted before. now we know what Christ was talking about in john 6. without that Bread of Life, we WILL STARVE. it's a real thing. we're actually deeply grateful for this opportunity to recognize that, and the Truth it highlights. we're gaining a much deeper appreciation of the Eucharist from this.
ALSO. WE DON'T SOCIAL-MODE DISSOCIATE FROM VIDEO MASS. so we are ABLE to focus more, and pray more, and BE there more. realizing that was a huge shock too. so this is a boon, completely unexpected.
God makes everything work out for Good, for those who love Him. thank You Lord.
God loves His paradoxes, I'm telling you, haha. so do we. it's so strange and beautiful. trusting in that makes life such a wonderful adventure. "though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil," etc.


bk prep for noon. trying to eat early, banking on having the car to go to actual church & buy food tomorrow, which means we have to be up at ~745 to make the hopeful votive mass at the basilica

...

mimic and laurie discussing the daily devotionals
giving God's gifts to others, does not diminish them in ourselves = because their SOURCE is infinite, it's not anchored in ourself. therefore, sharing almost mandates an increase, because it allows for an outward flow to occur, which is LIVING WATER not a stagnant pool.
chaos congratulating mimic on getting this on his own. mimic legit excited over this, said it wasn't his doing, "thank the holy spirit"
then said he was "ready for a new name." recognized he was totally different from his canon origin now, he wanted that solid indication that he was cutting those ties and moving forward. laurie also noted this point, what it meant.

jewel commenting that's what happened with rio & markus, how their canon was "toxic" and it treated them "horribly." very occult, very damaging to them both, very little hope if any.

barry joined this topic a bit later, when he actually had input on the last devotional? commenting on saint lawrence i think.
laurie half-joking that he was the "poster child" for being a psycho, not sure what caused that comment. barry just sighed and said "yeah, i really was". briefly recapped WHY to mimic. mentioned how HIS canon wrote him as COMPLETELY IRREDEEMABLE and that he had no hope for becoming good, or repenting, or anything of the sort within it.
telling jewel that the holy spirit was working through her, in pulling them out of there, giving them a new chance with hope.
laurie told her point-blank, "i hope you realize that THAT is what Christ is doing FOR YOU, too."
jewel really paused and thought about this. felt like a faith-lightbulb really went on there. actually grasping the love of God in that point.

also remember we have to thank Leon for instigating this new and ready gratitude for the holy spirit working in our daily life. it fits his indigo very well somehow, which is lovely.

brief mention of lancifoliel? lynne said she's "not around anymore"; her color and function were clashing too hard with algorith and laurie, respectively. ironically, because all the evidence shows that she was born as a compulsive "splinter" from back when laurie thought her "old job" needed to continue-- i.e. that someone needed to be slicing jewel up to bloody pieces whenever she slipped or allowed a hack/hijack-- but laurie couldn't do such an explicitly violent job anymore because she "cared too much."
mimic interjected, said she couldn't care too much. laurie said "really?" surprise, but pushing him to defend the point. mimic paused, actually thinking about this. "no, it's not." then "caring too much is not weakness... i wouldn't say jesus cared too much." saying that when caring becomes "control" it ceases to be caring, it's masquerading as such. but true care, that unselfish compassionate concern for others, can never be "too much."
the irony of weakness= yes it allows you to be "hurt," but because it makes you vulnerable. and there is a paradoxical strength in that, because it shows you're NOT AFRAID TO BE HURT for the sake of what you are "weak" for through caring.
mimic saying he was a coward in the past because of this. "my highest good was myself" and so he was so scared of death and suffering, because he wanted to be "strong." terrible irony. he was unwilling to "suffer for something greater" and therefore he was actually weaker than those who did.
mimic talking about martyrdom again, how THAT was what originally cemented his debating the faith. how he originally scoffed at such people, as he thought death for a cause was the ultimate loss, the ultimate fool's end. but it was the exact opposite. he was running from death, always at its mercy. but those martyrs, they saw something greater than death, something that SURVIVED it, and they were willing to turn their lives into "witnesses" for it. somehow they defeated death, in submitting to it, for the sake of LIFE. no fear, no cowardice, only this amazing joy and even love. said it blew his mind when he first saw it, couldn't believe it. but it stuck with him.

at some point we were talking about knives, with knife. said how they actually hold a "sacred function," in that they open things up to be vulnerable? riding the topic waves today. how knives are PRIESTLY, used in offering sacrifice, and preparing food for the penitents. how knives are used by mothers and hunters both. knife said it is a PSYCHOPOMP job and needs to be treated with such immense gravity & honor & fear of God.

today's book devotionals also mentioned the importance of "proper preparation for" the Eucharist, by devotion and purity and love; the "treasure of the Church" being the poor because they are the ones who most powerfully manifest the Kingdom of God, having so few ties to this world and also being magnets of virtue & mercy for all others; the importance of trusting God to lead you in life especially when you cannot predict or plan ahead, because He knows you and cares for you and will always lead you right; and the power of prayer to ONLY do good, in so many amazing ways: not just healing the sick & repelling temptations, but also in transforming hearts & protecting souls, in converting sinners & strengthening the repentant... etc. it deserves so much typing, honestly, that and yesterday's devotional about perseverance in prayer. that was a game changer for us.
i write all this down, because thinking about all of that gives us a real light of joy in our heart. we LOVE our faith, and we feel very sorry that last night's pain-wracked ramble may have sounded like we felt otherwise. no. even in our pain and struggle, we love being Catholic. we love God. we love Jesus Christ. we want to bring His Kingdom into our life, even here, in this little apartment; even in headspace, every day and in every way we can. we want to become a saint, collectively, no matter how crazy that sounds, no matter how long it takes. with God nothing is impossible.
we just... we are truly so grateful for the roots of faith God has grown deep into our heart. hearing all the recent parables about good ground and seeds, about hidden treasures, about weeds and wheat and pearls and yeast... all the allegories for faith and growth or hindrance in it. we feel it all so strongly lately. but we have to be honest and exceedingly grateful both: when that harsh heat hits, and scorches the ground, God gives us shade. He gives us gentle dark to keep us safe, and He sends our roots even deeper. that's what's happening right now.
...it's such a deeply beautiful thing to think about. infi of course comes to mind, and hir hopeful eventual rebirth AS a true "angel of God," and not a fallen one, no longer a daemon. never again. but if there's hope for all the rest of us up here, butchers and octopi and axe-wielders and prostitutes and thieves and gluttons and poor wretched wrecked hearts... if God offers hope to all of us, then there's hope for that little black-winged creature too. i know it.
this is proof. God works through the darkness too. we need to remember that. we need to soak every aspect of our life, every color in the spectrum, everything with the Love of God.
there are still pieces missing. but God knows what He's doing. all we have to do is offer it up in prayer, and surrender in trust, and let Him work.
thanks holy spirit. please continue to strengthen our faith. thanks for never letting it fail, even after all these years of trauma and confusion. it's all by your grace. please, keep us in that ocean forever.

...


...

chest still feels awful. body is chilled, still so weak & dizzy. what the heck is going on.
hope we don't have to go to the ER with this. maybe we'll feel better after we eat. let's find out.


(there will be more updates as the day continues. we just wanted to get important notes down so far. this is a much better method than the sporadic phone notes for sure; thanks jewel for starting this entry!)

(151pm)