short circuit

[prismaticbleed]

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE CHAOS ZERO



I honestly cannot deal with my mother or her boyfriend anymore. They are incredibly haughty and full of themselves, and cannot understand that some people have deep problems and need help. When I'm having trouble with daily life, I wish they would stop telling me to 'grow up, shut up, and stop being a bitch' because that's doing nothing but making me feel even more inadequate and useless. And, when I do talk about my problems, they need to stop either saying 'that's not a problem, everything's fine' when it is NOT fine and I am suffering through HELL, or rolling their eyes and cutting me off because 'your problems mean nothing to me.'

You need to get the heck out of this house.

They want me out, too. She just told me again how she can't stand my being around. However, I need a job and an education to support myself, and I cannot hold either due to how stupidly unstable I am. That's making this incredibly difficult, because I feel like an absolute failure of a human being for even having problems. It feels as if the world expects me to be perfectly normal, smiling all the time and not pointing out anything even vaguely problematic because 'oh, we can't have that!'

Sounds like Fahrenheit 451 all over again.

It is. It's that, and likely 1984 as well. 'Don't mess up our wonderfully blind and misguided society!' 'Don't even hint at the fact that this system is really screwed up beneath its shallow surface or we'll kill you!'
I need to get out; I don't care if they think 'see, look, I told you so, you bastard!' I want to leave for my own purposes. I cannot function as a positive and moral human being in this house. But... it's ridiculous. I found a quote on Tumblr that goes, "You shouldn’t have to overcome your disorder to get medication to help you overcome your disorder. That is the kind of thing that causes the universe to implode." But that's what I'm being forced to do, in a sense.

Except you don't want medication.

Not if I can help it, but only because I react so violently to medication, and only treating my 'reactions' to my current situation will not do much good, if any. You can throw all the pills you want at me; if I don't change my environment, I will NOT get better. It's like giving someone painkillers instead of surgery, even though whatever is causing them pain may likely kill them if it stays in them any longer. But the docs keep saying, 'no, just keep taking these pills, you'll be fine!' until one day the man is dead or septic and then they're all shouting 'well WE didn't know!' Geez, I don't understand.

I do. And it's making ME really sick that you can't get any better because of this idiocy.

I know... the waiting between 'possible helps' is the worst part, though. This place I contacted in early January set me up with an appointment for next Thursday, so I've been struggling this entire month just for that day, and for all I know they might tell me "we can't help you either!" I'm tired of hearing therapists and psychologists and advisers and everyone else say "we can't help you," and then having them throw me around like some sort of bleeding trash piece. If I really am beyond help, then please just acknowledge that already and get me on some sort of disability service so I can at least finance a safe place to sleep.

Have your parents ever abused you?

What?

I'm curious. You're so terrified of your parents, I was wondering if they ever did anything to you like that.

Nothing Julie-related, thank God...

Yeah, but that's only physical in that aspect. Mentally, there's a... see, I don't like talking about this because I can't tell if I was abused or not. Heck, if what happened 20 minutes ago was abuse, I wouldn't know! That's become so normal that I just accept it, no matter how badly it hurts me.

That's messed up, kid.

I know it is. I know it is. I just don't have the ability to tell if what they're doing is right or wrong.

I say it's wrong, and I say for you to follow your own moral code instead of theirs. No one in your family has ever made significant progress as an individual, and you know that. Why the heck do you think that is? They don't freaking care! They don't know what you've been learning all your life.

They still know more than I do.

Only due to age, and age only holds up for certain kinds of experience. None of them have the connections you do, or the wide perspective you're still building. It's the reason why you cannot talk to them, and it's the reason why they won't even attempt to see things from your point of view. Don't listen.

But... that's bringing me back to what I was thinking of last night.

Your goals for this year?

Yeah. I've made progress, but I've also fallen behind, and if there is going to be a shift next December, I need to make sure I'm ready for it. So I want to do everything I can to improve right now, even if I'm still stuck in this bad place. I need to just... push through this as far as I can. There are just traps everywhere.

Then send us ahead. We'll be your schizoid scouting troop.

Yeah! We can handle it!

All right, guys. Thank you.

No, seriously. If you're facing shit like this again, call us over. We'll help you deal with it. We were born for this sort of thing, quite literally.

Can we review those points you discussed last night? And today, too, because apparently a lot more needs to be discussed after what happened.

Yeah, I agree with that. So let me guess... first point is the whole 'self' issue, right?

Exactly. Like I said, it is absolutely perfect in theory, but when I apply it to daily life, instinct and outside catalysts screw it up. So it also ties into the fact that I need to severely strengthen my willpower, but I should discuss it as it stands first.

Then let's discuss it! No use putting it off.

True. Well, there are several aspects to it... the first one being that I am terrified of acting 'selfish,' but somehow have gotten selfishness confused with beneficial self-interest. As a result, for years, I would never stand up for myself because I felt that was selfish. Once people started telling me to 'take care of myself,' though, I became hideously selfish and tried to justify that by saying 'but it's for my own good!' I have put so many people in horrible positions because of my demands and that scares me. Now I've been trying to look at it this way: If I am caught in a situation where I need to make a decision that concerns my own opinions, well-being, or personal action in any way, I first need to analyze whether or not it is a significant moral situation. If it isn't, and it isn't immoral, then I let the other people do whatever they'd like. If it is, then I need to stand up for myself.

But you're still incapable of telling the difference.

Exactly. Sometimes what I view as a 'small' situation can escalate into something lethal, and when I view something as vital, it often isn't.

Why are you getting things so confused?

I don't know. That has me deeply disturbed. Nevertheless, this is why I keep letting people use and abuse me, because when I DO act out of 'beneficial self interest,' it ends up being irredeemably egotistic in every case. That's also why I can't stand thinking back on Utah-- the only reason I went out there was because I felt I had been ordered to, so I was just acting according to what other people wanted. However, once I got out there, I kept being forced to 'make my own decisions.' Then I ended up destroying people. But... if I had let people continue to make decisions for me, I would have been thrown into a moral hell anyway.

We need to figure out how to give you more judgmental clarity. That's what you need.

I agree. But now I understand why you're always so uncertain when you act. That really is a big concern.

It is. Oh, but for the last points of that, which may help towards overcoming it... one, I think this selfishness is coming from my feeling that I have to identify with my physical self. Whenever I do that, I become egotistic. Even my last therapist told me that I needed to be 'an individual' and not care what other people think. Sure, that sounds all empowering, but it's disgusting and wrong. Everyone is connected, and the preconceived idea that 'all individuals are autonomous' is completely false. If I should identify with anything, it should be with everyone. I have a self, sure, but it isn't this body, and it isn't an island.

More Lumineist principles right there, heh.

Well of course. So, with that in mind, I think that I need to start paying much more attention to what is dictating my actions. When I act selfishly, I'm forgetting how other people are involved... but when I let them hurt me, I'm forgetting that I'm a part of this world too, in a way that matters, and if I let myself be destroyed then that's going to affect people whether I want it to or not. So, I need to base every one of my actions and decisions on altruistic love. And that's where the 'perfect on paper' part comes in.

'Cause of the family?

Yeah. When I disconnect from their influence, even for an instant, suddenly I am overflowing with that good stuff. But when I put myself back into the ring, I'm overwhelmed by what they're radiating. It's bad effervescence, and the sheer force of it makes it virtually impossible to ignore. So it needs to change, but although I try my hardest to get them to be kind, there's only so much I can do before it all burns down to their free will. You can lead a man to water, but you can't make him drink.

Even if he's actively dying of dehydration, it seems.

Maybe they think the water's poison, or that by they should be dehydrated, I dunno. I don't get it either.

Maybe they don't realize it's water, hm?

There's an idea. But then that boils down to their perspective, and if they don't want to change that, we have this same problem all over again.... darn it! This is tough, Laurie.

No kidding. So kid, here's what I say we do. You bring your family to this metaphorical water, you let them know what will happen if they don't freaking drink it, and if they refuse, then you keep walking.

How do you mean?

You've done what you can. If they refuse to change their harmful perspectives, no matter what you do, then leave. That's it. You forget that you need water too, pun fully intended there.

Yeah, no coincidences... so... but wait, so my only option right now is to leave?

Duh, you're dying here!

Jo's right. Kid, you do everything you can to live in love and light, we all know that. But if you stick a candle in a closet it's not going to do much good, is it? You need to get the heck out of there and into the open where you can finally shine. There's not much oxygen left.

...All right. I guess this all banks on what happens next Thursday, then.

How's that again? What are they gonna do next Thursday?

They're hopefully going to decide whether or not I need to leave my family situation, which should be obvious if they get the details. If that is a green light, though, then they're hopefully going to help me in figuring out what path to take concerning finding both housing and finances. With how utterly unstable I currently am, it might take a little while, but as long as I am definitely on the road to my own life, I can be patient. It's the interim that is killing me.

I don't like the use of 'hopefully' there, virtue or not.

I don't either, but I honestly don't know if they are going to help or if I'm just going to hear "we don't know what to do with you" again... but you know, after my last actual psychologist told me that I was 'too damaged' for any more casual therapy like that, maybe I'll finally be taken more seriously.

Geez, that whole system is screwed up. You'd think it would be easier for people to get help?

And then everyone stands back and wonders when kids are committing suicide. No one takes it seriously enough.

No one took my suicide threat seriously, either. The one back in October, I mean. That was planned.

I remember that. Bloody terrifying...

I even wrote a suicide note. I've never, ever done that before. I was scared out of my mind.

Your family didn't react to that??

No. So I took that metaphorical middle finger and broke it, really. I decided not to commit suicide because hey, if I don't matter to them, then I can get away from them and into something better. So that's what I'm doing.

Jo, they don't even react to the graves. He literally walked around the house with four deep bloody lines down his arm today and no one even reacted. He has twenty graves on each arm and no one has done a freaking thing about it yet but us. Heck, Jewel's been self-abusing for YEARS and the most he's gotten from his parents is "stop being such an attention whore!" No compassion, no concern, no love. Well then you're one failure of a 'family' and you can just shove off. Blood may be thicker than water, but when it clots, then we have a problem.

I like that metaphor. But yeah, I'm with Laurie. Your family's not a family.

No it isn't. A family should be the people who love you the most, not a group of rabid strangers that could care less whether you live or die as long as you're fulfilling their selfish whims. The nail went in the day I halfway 'came out' as an asexual transsexual, really. That was the final proof that I was not loved here.

Kid, the dungeon incident was proof enough, and that was almost 15 years ago.

...

Seriously, you threatened suicide and no one did anything?

No. Well, I got a message from Mel two days after I planned to be dead, but they didn't even tell me to stop or anything. It felt like a cut-and-paste answer and it felt incredibly detached and impersonal, which made the situation worse. So that's secretly another reason why I don't feel safe talking to them-- I've never truly felt significant to them, not in a meaningful way. And that shouldn't matter, but I guess I'm just desperate to be genuinely significant to someone here for the first time in my life. So when I was prepared to die, and two days later Mel was still saying that they didn't know what to think of me-- and casually mentioned that I might already be dead-- it kind of gutted me. I felt utterly betrayed because prior to that, they had acted entirely differently. Or maybe I read them wrong. I don't know. They probably didn't know how to deal with me, like everyone else, so I don't hold it against them. I probably even read them wrong, as I was assuming the worst.

But you can't be around them.

No. I can't be around anyone I know. I'm tired of feeling like an accessory, an obligated tag-along, or a lucky charm. That's all I've ever felt like here, is an unnecessary scrap. Just a pretty little thing to be thrown away when it's no longer pretty, and my curse is that people focus on the fleeting and shallow to judge what's beautiful. People talk in paper words and spit programmed phrases, but I want sincerity and truth, and I don't want them to be tainted by grudges or prejudice or malice or the need to look good. I want sincerity and truth and love. Why is that so hard to find?

You're looking in the wrong places, maybe.

But where the heck do I look? I'm trying to find a flower in a field of weeds, but this field goes on for miles and I'm bleeding everywhere from all the thorns at this point. There has to be a better place to look, or a better way to do it. I need to find that out.

We'll work on that, I promise. Just keep your eyes open, because sometimes weeds look like flowers, and flowers look like weeds.

Who's to say which is which, though? Isn't 'weed' a subjective term?

If there are plants growing that are choking the life out of other plants, those are weeds.

Ah. That works.

So... I need to get out of this house and into a positive environment, as a positive environment will allow me to grow as a good person, and in being better I will be able to live more compassionately, and in doing that I will overcome both my uncertainty and selfishness... that it?

Bottom line is that you need to live in love, all the time, however you can make that possible. I still say that a flame can't burn in a vacuum. So yeah, get out of this house if you can't better it.

Okay. Now that actually ties into another point. I was falling asleep two nights ago, and was analyzing this need I have for 'someone' to love in my life down here, as a companion or something. I've never had a best friend and I don't know what that feels like... let alone what it feels like for someone to love me, not here. I'm just holding onto the hope that maybe, one day, there will be someone here who is asked 'who is your closest friend' and thinks of me... who is asked 'who do you love' and thinks of me. But I don't want that in a selfish way! I want that person to love everyone, to be open to everyone, but... maybe it is selfish.

You need love too, kid. And you don't have it here. It can't hurt to find some.

Maybe. I just don't want it to be selfish.

You'd still have an open relationship, right?

Of course. That's not even debatable.

Then it's not selfish in the sense you're thinking of, J. You just want to be honestly loved is all. You're tired of just being a face in the crowd.

I want someone to be with, here. It's different here. I need someone I can rely on and trust, who I can talk to and actually feel close to as a person. I don't know what that... I guess I really just do need love.

Told you. And that's really bleeding sad.

Is that all you got from analyzing it, though? That you were afraid it would be selfish?

Partly... fearing that made me think more, though. I began to wonder why I often kept looking for a girl, specifically, and realized that it was only because my few 'friends' as a kid had been girls. Plus, I've been the most hurt by females in my life. So that was unconscious. It was a hope to find someone like the girls I've lost, who could redeem the other girls who had pretty much raped my mind. And I'm sadly not exaggerating.

...

So are you still set on a girl? Because I've been thinking that's weird too.

It is. But it only seems weird because I typically act selfishly in saying that 'I don't like girls' because of how I've been hurt, I can't deal with femininity being forced upon me as an expectation, and because shallow attraction doesn't apply for me while that seems to be society's criteria. So I threw that presumption away-- I threw all of those fears away-- and since then I've been seeing clearly. But I also wondered about guys, because if you think about it, all my life I've been seeing guys as objects too-- I always wanted to be one but didn't want to accept that it was what I was feeling. So I saw them as 'examples' or film reels, almost, not as people. Growing up, I never felt comfortable around guys or girls because I felt like an alien around both... I felt that they were all seeing me wrong, and so I could not 'connect' with them.

Connect how?

In a communicative way. But that's because I hadn't 'connected' with myself! So for my entire life, I could not get close to anyone even if I tried, because I was acting a role and it was fake. Wearing a mask automatically puts up a wall that no one can get through. Now that I know who I really am, I'm slowly learning how to stop acting. I'm hoping that once I transition, the acting will finally stop.

So do you think then you'll be able to find someone?

Yeah. That's what I was getting into. Once I realized why I've been so disconnected from both girls and guys, I asked myself, 'but could you ever be with either?' I mean, back when my mother made me try to convince myself that I was a lesbian, it never held up because I was terrified of being with a woman, and could never truly see myself as a woman either. But I couldn't be 'straight' because I was terrified of being with a man, and with my gender issues, I was also scared of being 'gay.' So I tried to hide my fears, all of them, but it never worked. I only ended up destroying what few friendships I had. But that all narrowed down to my own falsehood yet again-- I was trying to fit what I felt I 'had to be,' and I was ignoring who I was. I have no gender, I love people, and I'm ASEXUAL. That is what I really am, and my asexuality was the single vital criterion I had felt forced to overlook for so long. That was the real reason I was scared to be with people.

Yeah, you can't compromise that!

Exactly. So that's what I did after I was done asking myself all those questions... I imagined several different situations in which I was with people, all sorts of people, to see if I would be comfortable even in a mental sense. I was surprised when I found that my family's expectations started getting in the way even then.

Wait, explain that.

My family is pretty much every kind of phobic you can think of. If I was with anyone who wasn't white, Catholic, and strictly hetero-- human, too, with my xenophilia-- I'd probably be ostracized from the family.

Maybe you should do that, then, if it would get you out of the house!

Oh geez, maybe! I could only do that if I had somewhere to go, though. No use being kicked out if I would be left with no finances or place to stay. It's the only reason I'm even here now.

So there's your plan. Get a place to stay, get a stable income, and then bring a panromantic-asexual black genderqueer alien home just to see the look on your parents faces... however that's possible.

If that's who I end up with, then I will! But yeah, when I thought about it, I can quite literally be with anyone as long as they fit the few unchangeable criteria I have.

Which are?

They'd have to be asexual, first and foremost-- I just can't function safely otherwise-- but besides that, I just want someone with an open heart and an open mind, who doesn't hate or discriminate. That's it, really.

Geez, and you haven't found anyone??

Jo, I live in the boondocks here, and I am still stuck in the closet, in both the senses we mentioned.

Heh. True.

Plus I'm looking for the purity and innocence aspect with that, and for some reason that's been really hard for me to find... and I don't want to rule everyone out but I need to be careful, so-- how did we even get onto this topic? I'm getting nervous.

Don't get nervous, not in a bad way. This needs to be discussed. If people are going to judge you for talking about things that are important to you, then their opinion doesn't matter. We got into this topic by discussing your plans for becoming a better person within the next year or two, and then segueing into what things you felt you needed in your life in order to do that.

Oh... that reminds me. We have one last point then.

Is it me?

It involves you, yes! Let's start there.

Yeah, Jewel spoke to Josephina today about the Julie situation, and we figured a lot of shit out.

I cut my hair. I feel better and look better, hee.

You really do!

So can I be on active duty now?

You already are. All of you are on active duty. We're going hardcore.

Good.

I feel it's worth mentioning that our theories on Jo's connection to Julie's role were correct.

Wait, theories? You were talking about me?

We were trying to figure out why Jewel was so uneasy around you, and we guessed correctly that it was because of how he met you. Friday the 13th, 2010, heh.

Oh okay. We fixed that though. I guess my looking like a girl was too traumatic concerning the fake hack thing, so I cut my hair and now it's some kinda scene mohawk-y style. I like it.

It wasn't just that, though. It was how you were acting kind of harsh towards me, and I didn't understand what you had been born from or-- wait, I still don't know what you were born from.

I'm what your ideal id should be.

When I said Jo was 'our version of Julie,' I originally meant it in that he deals with the same things that Julie does, but in positive ways. I didn't realize that it meant he had her freaking role but was dealing with it in a way that Jewel could handle.

Yeah. I'm aware of all the bad subconscious stuff, and I keep it back like Laurie does, except I'm the main person in charge of that. Only thing is that I do have a moral compass, so I guess I'm not really an id?

No, you're not. Julie's the real id. You're what an id would be if it realized what a huge threat it is to the system. You deal with self-realization and the understanding of motives, which does play into the primal impulses Julie runs with. You see that those exist on a basic level, but you ask if they are needed or not, and so you keep them in check. You're pretty darn brutal, too. That surprised me.

Sorry. It's just a really brutal job, so. I thought you guys knew I dealt with that though?

We did; we just didn't know exactly what the job description was.

Oh okay. But now you do!

Yeah, we do. And Jo, be a bit nicer when dealing with him, okay? He's fragile as a glass ornament.

I know, I just get really really mad when I see him letting Julie get away with stuff!!

We all get really really mad when that happens, Jo.

Yeah, but that's MY JOB. So I get the maddest.

Speaking of interconnection... I think I know what this last point is.

You definitely do.

The new graves, huh?

Yeah.

Should I get him in here?

...Yeah. Please do. He really... fell apart earlier.

And that's what triggered this discussion. Hold on one minute.

Ooh, you're getting your blue guy in here too? Yay! I don't get to talk to him a lot.

True. We all really do need to talk to each other as a group more... it helps.

All right, sorry it took so long.

Hey.

Hey sweetheart. I, um... hope you don't mind talking for a bit.

No, it's okay. I was kind of hoping you'd let me in, after everything that's happened.

Well yeah, if we didn't let you in, we'd be skipping half of the reasons we're even here. So J, you start.

Start?

With explaining. You pick where to start this.

Oh. Well, I... man, I really hate talking about this. It feels almost sacrilegious.

Jewel was hacked this morning. This afternoon, rather. When the heck did you wake up?

1:30PM. I was out for about 13 hours. My mind's been scared to wake up recently, what with the home situation and everything going on up here.

Shit. No wonder you're unstable. But anyway, go on. We did go over this.

We did... Julie's being brutal again. She stopped the flat-out shadowguising because we found a foolproof way to avoid that, so now she's wearing me down before attacking. We've found ways around so many of her methods that I can catch them if I'm being vigilant--

Which you should be, at all times.

Exactly. But... she found a way around that, and I really need to be careful now. Very, very careful. More than ever.

She's taking advantage of... I'm sorry. I can't talk about this.

It's okay.

Oh, hey Jo. Sorry, I didn't realize you were here..

S'okay, you're preoccupied. I can tell. But if you didn't hear, I'm active and fully positive now! Also I cut my hair so Jewel isn't accidentally triggered anymore and I'm sorry.

Heh, thanks. You look good.

Thank you! But I'm interrupting an important conversation so, um, I'm really sorry.

I think we needed a slight break there, considering the mood. But keep going, J. It's 12:30 in the morning and we're running on shadow time right now.

True. So... Julie has... now she's deliberately taking advantage of the smallest triggers, and kind of layering them so that I get really unstable. Earlier today I... I was fine, I was completely fine at first, but then I realized she was trying to hack me. So I fought her off, but she came back using a different method. That kept happening. By the time I thought I was safe, I was already so emotionally distraught that my... walls were down. I was so panicky that I wasn't paying attention to the real danger. And... that's when she got me. She waited until I was completely disconnected and then she did something new, so I couldn't catch it.

What did she do?

She... she kind of shadowguised, but the major thing was that she forced me to identify entirely with my physical form for a second, and in doing that I lost awareness of my actual self.

I think we mentioned this earlier today, but I'll repeat it regardless-- you are not physical. At ALL.

I know! That's why I was so terrified when I realized what she did... that's why I need to fix this and fast. But the most frightening thing is that she's still actively trying to screw with my perceptions. She's trying to tie everything into the physical, even when that's not even possible, and that's killing me.

Well, we'll watch that double-time now. Triple-time.

How is she getting to your perceptions, though? Shouldn't you notice that?

Not when I'm in such an emotionally compromised state as she drove me to.

Then this is my job. This is simply a matter of making sure you're coherent at all times. I've always known that when you start slipping out of conscious awareness, that's a major red alert, but if she's forcing that on you then we can't exactly call the willpower trick in. We need to stop this shit before you lose awareness, and that's why I still say you need vigilance written on your hand.

The tattoo bit banks on a mountain of factors, but I can definitely write it in, yeah... I'll have to set something up so I do that every morning.

Then do it.

Chaos?

No, I'm not okay, thanks for asking.

He honestly shattered after today's hack. I don't blame him.

Did you SEE what she did to him on Sunday?! For life's sake, Laurie, that was demonic!

I know, I was there.

You were there afterward. You didn't see him break down.

I felt it.

...

And that's actually what we're discussing. My visible scars, and your invisible ones.

Chaos has scars too??

He doesn't talk about them. Ever. People laugh at me for being secretive, but don't realize just how much he's keeping under the surface as well. The ocean is deeper than it looks, you know.

...

Jewel knows, Chaos. He realized it today, when he remembered how I bleed too. See, whenever Jewel needs to dig a new grave-- which should never bloody happen again-- he's not the only person who carries them. I have the exact same amount of scars as he does, and mine don't heal. You were wondering why I wear so many of these bandages? Can you imagine what I'd look like without them?? Jewel is blessed in that he can heal. He grows and he learns and the gashes stop bleeding after a while. Mine don't. I carry his retribution, not only as a sign of what we've conquered and suffered alike, but as a sign of what I am. He and I are connected, permanently, at this level, the mental level. But I am not the only person he is so closely bound to, not by a long shot. I have violet, but Chaos has green. You're connected to his heart.

I am so sorry, Chaos... I don't know how I didn't realize it before.

You have the exact same number of scars that he and I do, don't you? Except yours aren't visible! I may bleed fit to drown a man, but you're already underwater by the time the scars appear. I don't feel the pain until the retribution hits. You feel everything.

Not everything. That's what hurts the most.

Chaos, I don't want you or anyone else to feel that, EVER. If you felt it I would die.

No one feels that but him, CZ, because he's the only one that's intended for. Julie doesn't care at all about hurting us like that because it would do nothing for her.

But we all bleed together.

Exactly. But you know what, J? Wouldn't Chaos feel that twice?

What do you mean?

Shit, it's obvious. He's been soul-linked to you for over five years now, so that is going to make this hurt like hell, but the man's a freaking natural empath!

He is?

Yes, he blood is, even if he hides it. So he's probably feeling more than he lets on.

Wow.

It's... well, it's also why I'm so bloody worried about you lately, Chaos. I wasn't even aware of your deeper connection until Saturday, for heaven's sake, and then with how brutally Jewel was hacked the next day... geez, I can't even imagine what that was like for you both. So I'm sorry, I guess.

For what?

For not noticing how unstable Jewel was. Positive or negative, whenever Jewel starts to unravel, we end up in one heck of a danger zone. He let himself unhinge way too far, and we cannot let that happen anymore. And no, before you ask, I don't mean that as in 'don't let the kid feel anything.' No, that would be the worst thing we could do. What we need is to make sure he's not letting his guard down when he does feel. He's way too bloody fragile.

He's too innocent.

Yeah, that's for sure. And that makes this all the more painful.

How's this working out, Laurie? The whole 'guard down' thing? What's causing that?

Jewel trusts too much, and doesn't realize it when he does that. If he lets himself unravel, mentally, then he loses his comprehension and in doing that he loses his connection to us. The dangerous part of that is that it can happen on the opposite end of the charts-- if things get too positive, he loses it too. That's what we're worried about here.

Can I maybe balance that?

With what? More pain? No. You've managed to link pain with retribution, and if you're already in that mindset then she's going to take advantage of that. It's happened far too many times before. With this hyper-positive unraveling, you need to balance the inevitable pain you do get with something inherently undamaging, even virtuous. Which is going to be really bloody hard as you're already overflowing with that sort of thing and this trouble still happens.

Maybe that's it.

What?

Maybe Jewel's getting hit by so much, he doesn't realize what he's getting hit by.

Sensory overload?

Makes sense. Sounds like him, if anything. Jewel, what's the verdict?

I think that might be what's causing the unraveling. If I can somehow keep everything stable, or at least stabilize how I can process everything, then it shouldn't cause an overload.

How do we do that, though? Is that just a willpower thing?

Probably a good part of it is, but I think we need to watch out for unconscious triggers. I think that is what we dealt with on Sunday. The kid himself wasn't a problem. Chaos, you were NOT a problem. It was the situation he happened to be in that allowed a hack to happen.

The situation is forcing overload, then.

Exactly. If Saturday night was any indicator, Jewel can hit some pretty freaking high levels without overloading, because he is built to handle that. I mean, come on, he's Catharsis! So it's only when some sort of foreign influence comes into the equation that everything goes to pieces.

Oh, so it's a malfunction first, then an overload.

Jo, you know what, give us your ideas. I'm interested in what you're getting.

Well it sounds just like that. If Jewel can deal with really high emotional levels without having them overload him, and if he can do that naturally, then the only thing that can screw up his system is if something messes with it. A virus, a broken gear, a wrong program... stuff like that.

So what would fit those descriptions?

Julie is definitely an active hacker, in the literal sense. But she uses 'wrong programs' to mess with you, and I think that can easily translate to 'old code.'

Oh. Oh, dude, I get it. Outside influences.

Yes. But those are also viruses, in that if one messes with you badly enough it can deeply damage you. Then that messes with you for ages afterward, until you can figure out exactly what it is, what it's doing, and how to counteract it. I daresay most of your family influences fit there due to exposure alone.

What are broken gears, then?

Uncertainty.

...Yeah, most likely.

No, definitely. A gear would already be part of the system. If anything is catching and making the whole thing freeze, then uncertainty would be it. And why is that still a problem, pray tell?

It's the self problem. It all backtracks to that. As long as I'm still trying to 'act' for others, instead of following a non-egotistic code-- for everyone, not just me-- I'm going to worry about whether or not I'm living up to 'what people want from me.' And I know that is the oldest news we have, but until I can burn it into my mind that those opinions don't matter, it will continue to be relevant.

Is your 'non-egotistic' world code the Lumineist one?

Yes.

Geez, Jewel, irony.

I know... but I was raised on a different one, so there are going to be problems.

True, but we can fix that. We can fix that gear! Then everything will work okay.

I sure hope so.

Vigilance still comes out on top, guys. Jewel, if you're not even aware of what the blood is going on, there is no way you can actively follow the right code. So watch it, literally.

I plan to. I'll keep bettering myself in that respect, and all others, really.

Good. Now I think that's it for tonight, as it's now 1:30, where the heck did the time go.

Time flies when you're having deeply introspective conversations on Xanga in the middle of the night!

It sure does.

Oh hey, there's a thought. Jewel, you mentioned earlier that Julie is trying to get you to view non-physical things on a physical level? Like concepts and all that?

Yeah. That's also playing into the uncertainty, because I don't realize that she's messing with me fast enough.

Here's something to work on-- stop that. Freaking stop. Sure, you need to respect your physical form or Spine will be pissed but that's different! If you ever find yourself trying to fuse the inherently physical and inherently non-physical, in any sense, pull the bloody fire alarm. That only leads to trouble, and you know it.

And if you ever start to lose coherence, pull the fire alarm too!

True, and that's different. Paying attention to what you're actually doing isn't fusing anything. It's falsely convincing yourself that your actions aren't actually happening that is the problem. That's a big issue.

Okay, I will. I just think we need to close up because I just got a major fatigue burst and if I ignore those then I do lose coherence whether or not I'm conscious.

All right, then we'll end this. Oh, Chaos, I never got my postcard.

Laurie, for the love of-- you're insane, you know that?

As a matter of fact, I do, heh. Doesn't change the fact that you two owe me one.

Patience. Maybe it's the homophobic mailmen causing trouble again.

I have a feeling I missed an in-joke or five somewhere.

You did, haha! Sorry. I'll fill you in later.

Hey, watch it.

Chaos, come on. I'm not that insane. Chill out, and get some sleep.

Cousteau is on; I'll be out in like five minutes. This stuff is perfect at this hour.

Oh, by the way, um... are you two okay in that respect? After Sunday, I mean.

We're as okay as we can be. She can't mess with what matters.

True. That really... really means a lot.

It should. All right, then off you go, kid. It's almost the weekend and those are rough.

I'm on active duty now, remember! Call me if you need me!

Really, we'll show up even if you don't call.

Please do. That helps more than you know.

Oh, I do know. That's why I show up.

Jewel, this is turning into one of those endings.

He's right, it is! Hurry up, how do we close it?

That depends. How did we open it?

Your 'parents' were screaming and raging as usual, to the point where you were so distressed you opened this without so much as an introduction.

But now it's quiet, and they're gone. So that's good!

Yeah, that's the main reason why I'm becoming nocturnal. There's actually peace after about 11:30.

The problem is that it's nearly 2 and you have to be up at 7. Get to bed, you bat.

Didn't you say you were going to talk to your boss tonight?

Oh dude, I did. I really miss him too.

Hurry hurry hurry, or you're going to be late!

I daresay my boss is much more understanding of my mental trauma than my old job here...

You're going to be getting a heck of a lot more mental trauma if you don't close up, though.

I think that's a perfect ending.

I won't argue with that.