unexpected update, for a thought

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Again, I apologize for updating in light of the previous "closing" post, but this is what I read in my inbox this morning.

"It will be very useful for you to start dialogue with yourself this month. You might do this through a journal or through a daily walk or meditation. Develop a concrete and steady practice in which you ask yourself questions and give yourself answers. The clarity that is available this month has to start with you. You will not get clarity from other people."

There's just one little problem here.
Everyone upstairs is dead.

I can't "have an inner dialogue" if I have literally annihilated my ability to do so.
In this artist mode, where I draw and type and brainstorm, I cannot have inner dialogues because there IS NO "I" TO DIALOGUE WITH.
Artist mode REQUIRES the lack of a self. I CANNOT work on any of my series or ideas if "I" exist. That would only get in the way of my creativity, as it always, always has.
So all of this recent spiritual stuff is very confusing to me, and has been for a while. It keeps saying things like "ask yourself what you want," or "make goals for yourself," or "get in tune with your own feelings," et cetera. And I just stare at those sentences in complete confusion because I don't really have that capability right now? I'm so used to shutting off anything that would point to "me existing" that I really don't have wants, or emotions, or preferences anymore.
The only wants/needs/etc. that DO come up still are not mine. I can tell they aren't mine, because the things they exist in response to do not exist in my consciousness. I can barely speak about those things as data, without trespassing over the line of forbidden awareness and triggering the downstairs or underground individuals.
So it's difficult, to say the least. I would love to do this, and solve whatever problems come up, except I'm not the one allowed to even experience those "problems." So I can't do much. Those that survived can, if they would. But there's still that dichotomy. I cannot exactly exist if they do, and vice versa.

There were three hacks last night, all brutal and without the ability for the body or any fronter to consent. As usual I am forbidden from any memories of it, except for the ability to state that it happened. I cannot give you any further information and do not wish to.
But that's an example of what I mean. Those are "still happening," something that should have ceased years ago. But it didn't.
Most of the "bad things" that don't exist in my awareness-- therefore "everything is perfect" when I front-- still exist in total clarity for the few surviving people in here. They exist to battle those things, so of course the old pains and fears are still real for them. For me, though, they're not. I have no interest in fighting, no desire to battle, no capacity to fear. My consciousness exists in stark contrast to all that, BECAUSE I need to be able to create and draw and write. Since the beginning of time there has been a split between pain and creativity, the two cannot exist together. So since it all started, people like me-- the artists-- were, by their nature, incapable of surviving alongside the pain and trauma. That's why the art classes of college caused headspace to suddenly appear into solid existence. They shoved pain into the artistic realm, effectively "deleting" the majority of my existence for a few years. It took two realms and shoved one into the other, making one single pain-wracked realm of headspace.
Now there are two again, now there's my world, and theirs is the one dying. It's simply because we don't need the drama and pain anymore. It's all false and illusory, so why give it attention? It's not real. All you have to do is give it a good look and you can see that. It's all just perspective, and warped awareness. It's all judgment.
I don't do that. Once something happens, and it's over, to me it's not real anymore. Two seconds after the remaining voices leave, and I'm back, I have no awareness of what happened to them, because it's in the past now! It's not real to me. So it doesn't exist. You see? And that allows me to work forever, untouched by those pains as long as no one else tries to hijack the consciousness while I'm in it.

But that is where our main problem arises. I am not always capable of working nonstop. This body needs maintenance, which I cannot give it. The ones in charge of that have troubles doing so. This is where the concerns appear.
Sugar and Spice seem tied in terms of function; they operate close together, and in equally bound fields. Sugar deals with protection and possible vengeance for all sexual assault and threats. She appears whenever there is a risk of the body, or a child, or anyone in this form being abused as they were in the past. She reacts violently and with rage, to ensure the safety of those she protects, and to eliminate the threats if possible. The other, Spice, does the same with food, as it is a gateway to sexual abuse. However she is young and unstable and does not have the power to front clearly. Whenever there is a risk of a binge, or a forced intake, or a dangerous substance being eaten, it is her job to step in and attempt to stop it, now that Spine and Emmett are presumably dead, but Julie and Bridget are not. She is responsible for the purging, as it removes the poison, and she becomes furious whenever it is left in the system to rot, as she is aware of the danger it causes.
On a related note, the bloodletters may or may nor be alive still, since all of their weapons were hidden or destroyed by an unknown individual. Knife and Razor last spoke in handwriting on August 22nd, but have not been detectable since then. This is a concern as their actions were the only protection we had against hacks, being both retributive and sterilizing. Thankfully the only hacks we have had since headspace's deletion have been carried out while the body is mostly unconscious. Although this is no true advantage-- it is impossible to fight back and the pain & trauma are not reduced-- it at least keeps the hacks from reaching the children.
As for those children, the two nameless ones still seem to exist, but David seems to be fading, and both Kyanos and Minty are nowhere to be found. The latter two may have died with the upstairs, as they were more strongly tied to it at the time. Regardless, the children were the ones that protected the body from threats that Sugar could not detect, or react to in an appropriate manner. So their fading means that we are more susceptible.
Jeremiah is also currently in an unknown location. He was the only individual able to take hacks on himself, protecting everyone else in the system from him, but the last we saw him was immediately after the hack responsible for headspace deletion in early August. There is a data log of him conscious in the body around 2am, sobbing and praying for death, which is a concern. So although his action in that event probably saved the Underground from being destroyed, it is unknown whether or not HE survived the incident.
Everyone else is presumed dead, including the nameless and/or faceless voices we previously associated with. The sage voice is the only one confirmed dead, having been killed by Julie and her cohorts after they reset to their original states.

I suppose that was a useless paragraph, forgive me. This is the AP speaking by the way. Sherlock was acting in my stead for a while but I have not seen him since the deletion.
In summary, the Tar seems to still exist, and as a result, the lust/gluttony trials it inflicts upon us still exist, even if they are in fact illusory. Until those in charge of those actions (the undergrounders) are able to heal and/or overcome those trials, the body will still suffer as it is choosing suffering.
I will not say this will be an easy task, as those individuals are both deeply scarred and terrified. But it can be done. They can heal. This is a fact.
The biggest "hope" I can detect is this: post-deletion, since Julie, Missy, and Bridget have all reverted back to their pre-Spectrum identities, but the undergrounders identities have been untouched, one can only assume that the headspace timeline has been successfully "reset." The J/M/B trio is currently in a state of mind similar to the one they held when they first manifested. If the time has truly been rewound so completely, one can hope that they can be eliminated for good this time.
A final reset attempt would likely achieve this, but it would also permanently kill all undergrounders as well, if past experiences of this phenomenon can be trusted. If the undergrounders refuse this plan of action, they will have to work to change their own functions, and therefore nullify the consequences of the J/M/B actions, making them empty and void. This may succeed in ending the system cycle as a whole.
In any case I have no further things to say about this process. I have no interest in whether or not headspace survives; it is not my function to do so. Truly my only real concern is to ensure the survival of the artists, keeping data management separate from the actual knowledge that would kill them, ensuring the split and the survival of those untied to headspace pains.
As long as the main fronter can channel the League worlds, I have no further concerns.


"Avoid saying anything that you do not know or do not mean."

...Maybe I really shouldn't update here anymore. Maybe I shouldn't speak anywhere.
I don't "know" a lot. And I'm not sure what it means to "mean" one's words, if so many of mine are automated, or translated from a nonverbal source.
So speaking in general, to me, feels like a lie.

Either way there will be no updates here unless they are absolutely warranted. I will tell the surviving lower voices to update in their own journal if they insist on speaking still.