prismaticbleed | since the 19th... (Reply)

All right, I'm a little late for today's update (I wanted to be here for 9 and it's already 10:30), but there's a very good reason for that.
Apparently, things balance out really well when you don't cling to pain and just let it go... but we'll get to that. Let me start with last night.

Razor was triggered almost accidentally yesterday (we spent too long in the kitchen; Jess is oddly rooted there and if she gets out, she works as a "splinter gate" for Razor to literally shove herself into the driver's seat without anyone's assent), and at around 7PM she tried to kill us. I know this, because I remember Laurie trying to force herself into fronting, managing only to keep Razor's arms locked still so she couldn't slash our throat or wrists. Laurie told me to try and get in there, as I had anchored surprisingly well during the morning, but things were too crazy now and I couldn't find any solid footing. Razor shoved us both out and in a disturbingly quick bout of hatred, sliced some very deep gashes into the body's leg. As usual, she left immediately after she achieved what she wanted, and I was slammed back into awareness with a sick jolt of pain. I remember looking down, seeing the damage, and nearly sobbing. Laurie gently moved me aside and took control (the pain virtually disappeared when she did, it was incredible), trying to clean up the blood, but apparently Razor was sticking around because I KNOW she took over then, temporarily, because the next thing I remember is Laurie and I looking down at a journal page covered in blood and the word "DIE." Not a nice surprise. Laurie sighed and went back to tending the gashes, giving us all orders to keep calm and just be careful, and the rest of the evening was spent doing just that, our clothes getting stained yet again with awful deep red reminders.
Around 10PM, we took a chance and actually sought help from both our old online contacts and the body's mother. We refused to let the psychological pain fester any longer, and we all worked and spoke together out of mutual compassion for each other. Despite the fear and uneasiness everyone felt as well, it was strangely comforting, that we were all brought together as one unit in our empathy.
I stayed up until midnight typing and reviewing old Xanga sessions, trying to understand what was going on. I learned a lot, actually... my mind is in a place now where I can see answers that I had no comprehension of before. I'll update about that separately, maybe on Friday. It'll take time.

My dream last night was just as tumultuous as the evening, but I don't remember it in its entirety now, except for a few points: I was driving through towns, looking for a "safe place," but was scared because everything was either flooding or setting on fire. It felt like the end of the world. People kept dying on the streets as the destruction approached them, and for the entire dream I was fighting off an inexplicable but unrelenting tiredness. Every moment was a battle to stay conscious, to stay alive, and I've never had that in dreams before. I remember walking along a very thin ledge against a wall, trying not to fall into a rushing flood below, people scrambling around me to escape as well. To my surprise Waldorf showed up momentarily, and simply hugged me, not saying a word. I felt somewhat better then, as if maybe I could make it, maybe I wouldn't die. At the very end of the dream I was in severe pain, and looking into a mirror, saw that my entire face was either scabbed over, bleeding, or otherwise diseased. It was almost unrecognizable. I remember feeling a deep existential terror, wondering what was wrong that I was literally rotting away before my own eyes. I still couldn't shake the dizzying fatigue, and the room was spinning. Thankfully, I woke up as I was still viewing the accursed mirror, and when I felt our real, undamaged face at 6AM I nearly cried from relief.

That wasn't the only relief I got, though. Shortly after I woke up, I managed to wake up Genesis, and we spent the next hour listening to his new Mika album and feeling like everything in the world was okay. Chaos joined in halfway through, and when the music was over, we all just chilled out in my upstairs room, glad to be alive.
There are more details, beautiful details that sprung into life when I looked at Genesis and suddenly realized that I really love this guy, a truth that had been long buried. I'll write about that later, though. I'm on a bit of a tight schedule right now.

Let's backtrack a bit more, give you guys a quick summary of events from the past 10 days...
1) As I mentioned, Jess broke our computer. I don't know how or when. All I know is that Apollo will no longer boot, so we're kind of stuck right now. On a very positive note, though, the old 98 still works like a dream, and I made monumental progress in Parnassus last week as a result.
2) We have two new "headvoices." Well, they're both sort of new; they only just manifested now. The first is Emmett. He's an adorable snakelike creature that likes to run in circles a lot and make purring noises. He's also traumatized by food and any sort of consumption, as he allegedly exists specifically to battle Jess/Razor triggers in that field. This means he unfortunately tries to vomit quite a lot. We're working with it. Emmy's actually been forming since October and he seems to now have stabilized into the Chartreuse slot, but he was rather ill on Sunday when that started moving (he first anchored into Teal, which doesn't technically exist) so we're watching him carefully. The second voice is Kyanos-- yes, the sky boy from immediately after the Scratch. He seems to have been affected badly by the strangeness of time during that period, and now he's anchored onto the light blue slot: the childhood one (and Nat's original one; we still don't know where it fits but it might add a few new colors to the spectrum; I've sketched a tentative new map I'll have to upload sometime soon). We have a LOT of questions about Kyanos. The poor kid is terrified of many things, and his very existence is unearthing a lot more of those mental zombies. We're wondering if that's the point. Either way, they both deserve an entry of their own, but until then you can visit the archive and read the latest entries about them there.
3) The Universe is being loud again, thank God. Synchronicity abounds wherever I look. I can't stop smiling when I realize this, because I have literally been out of the loop spiritually for months, and suddenly when headspace starts getting active as a live wire again, downstairs life slips right back into its proper place. How strange... and how fitting.
4) There are a LOT of "voices" lingering around that may or may not manifest. As Infinitii reminded me though, I can't force anything. I'm just letting things happen, and we're all living our best. If one of them gains enough strength to anchor, then so be it. If not, I won't push the issue. I'm confident enough in the flow of life right now to just let it do whatever it wishes.

Well, class just started, but I think that's enough for a quick update. You'll here from me again soon, that's a promise.