the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

★: Are there any nonhumans in your system? If so what kind?


Technically, we’re all “nonhuman” in some sense. The word “headvoice” also works as a species name, for lack of a better term, and applies to all of us, both humanoid and beastly, as we all function similarly at heart. However, yes, most of us still pass for humans at a glance, albeit painted in technicolor hues of course.

As for those who are obviously not humanoid, we have a decent amount, although again they are not the majority— which is admittedly a shock, as our original hosts had almost exclusively internal lives and therefore associated constantly with nonhumans within. However said nonhumans were tied to an entirely different sort of inner world than ours, and therefore that massive split in function likely contributed to us appearing far more human than those non-traumatized individuals.

But we’re off-topic! The following members of our System are the “most” nonhuman:

Spine (skeletal dragon), Aimee (anthro cat), "The Bear" (bipedal bear monster), "Dead Red" (demonesque), Hyakin (semi-avian), Genesis (this guy), Wreckage (fiendish), "Honeybee" (insectoid), Nathaniel (semi-moth), Cel (insectoid), CZ (aquatic being), Emmett (serpent), Minty (teddy-girl), "Seafloor" (mermaid-esque), Waldorf (alien), Kyanos (angel), Xenophon (this kid), Infinitii (this creature).

Algorith, Zwei, and Einsatz all seem to be cyborg-esque in composition.

Spice, Razor, Laurie, Knife, Jay, and Sherlock are all “not quite human” when you really look but again, for them it’s more subtle.

 

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@ 05:39 pm

April 4th, 2014

 

I couldn't remember most of this dream (I didn't fall asleep until after 5AM), but what I do remember really meant a lot to my heart.

I was sitting behind the curtain on a stage (stage left), with a group of people who looked like college age kids. There was some sort of awards ceremony going on out there, as the stage was all lit up, and there was obviously an audience watching. The current award being given was the final one, for "inventions" that some of the people backstage had made, as they had been judged according to which were considered the most applicable, beneficial, and unique. Apparently many different awards had already been given for different things, but this invention one was "nationally acclaimed" or something, and so it would be very prestigious to win? So all these kids were all waiting excitedly to hear who had won-- except me, actually. I was sitting further back to the left than anyone else, leaning against the brick wall, and just smiling. I knew I wouldn't win (I hadn't entered that division), but there was one girl who had entered, sitting excitedly right next to the stage, and I wanted her to win more than anything. Not surprisingly, it was my old elementary schoolmate, AAA. I understood that she had already won seven awards, and that she was one of the "top picks" for this last and greatest one... and sure enough, as I watched, her name was announced as the recipient. Everyone burst out in applause, and her face absolutely lit up-- but then she jumped up, eyes wet from joy, threw her fists in the air and shouted "yes!" It was such a spontaneously elated action that I felt the same way right along with her. She ran out to stage and received the award, which was given with honest warmth. The crowd backstage was now beginning to break up, as the awards ceremony was over, but I stayed where I was, just enjoying the moment. Honestly I was waiting until AAA left the stage so I could congratulate her personally, away from the current crowds that were still around her.
As I waited, I became more aware of where I was-- off the stage, the area actually opened up into a small room, with white plaster walls and some wooden chairs folded up against one wall. I couldn't see too much due to the people, and also because Laurie then walked over and sat down to my right, which immediately took my complete attention. She didn't say anything at first, but then handed me a sealed business envelope with my name on the front. She gave me a meaningful look as she did so, and said something to the effect of "just for the record." I nodded, as she turned to look at the stage now herself. I then looked down at the letter, turning it over, and saw that on the back, across the bottom, was a line of fine script in violet ink. It said rather simply, "no matter what, remember that I will always love you." This really tugged at my heart, but I couldn't hold on to that feeling for too long because right then I noticed someone running up to me, and looked up. It was AAA herself, still beaming but teary-eyed, and she too was holding a letter. I stood up then, smiling, to congratulate her, but she responded by pressing her letter into my hands, saying it was for me. I was confused, but accepted it gratefully, placing it alongside Laurie's. I smiled a little at that, and wondered for a second to myself if her letter said anything similar on the back-- it would be nice, but not necessary of course. However, the second I thought that, AAA reached out, took my face in her hands, and actually kissed me. I remember being completely surprised, but consciously told myself to pay attention, don't forget this, as it obviously was significant to her as well as to me. So I just let myself experience that. She didn't let go of me afterwards though, instead pressing her forehead to mine, and whispered that she had "always known" about my support for her, and how much I had cared, over all the years. She then added that she had also "always wanted to say yes" to the love I had for her? Like she had never rejected it, she was perfectly willing and capable of reciprocating, I just had never ever asked or expressed anything. But now, she was effectively closing that gap. She said all this while holding my face like that, with a few awards people standing nearby and watching, smiling at us, and it just meant a lot to me.
The dream continued a bit after that, but it became rather convoluted and blurry so I won't worry about trying to record it.


AAA was also in another one of my dreams earlier this week-- all I remember is that she handed me a small four-leaf-clover pin, all gold with ruby heart-shaped leaves (kind of like this?), with virtually the same sentiment as the one with which she presented the letter in this dream.

I have no idea why I still dream about that girl so much-- I haven't even seen a glimpse of her in about 7 years-- but I'm not complaining. She seems to have ascended to a sort of dream element in her own right by this point, representing an undying ideal separate from her waking self, and that's fine by me.

 

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@ 11:53 pm

Okay, quick update because it is late and today was a bit of a mess but who cares, life is still too lovely.

First off, dream last night. In it, my old school 'crush' AAA won a prestigious academic award, and then after the ceremony, I was waiting to congratulate her-- but Laurie was with me. She handed me a letter envelope with my name on it, which I didn't get to open, but written on the back in violet ink was a small yet significant phrase-- "no matter what happens, remember that I love you."
That meant a lot more than it otherwise would have on its own, thanks to last night. We'll get to that.

Secondly, as I was still in an artistic mood from yesterday (especially concerning that poster idea), I decided to go look up refs for Javier's hairstyle (technically a deathhawk with braided sides?), but that caught Josephina's attention too, and since I already had his facial structure roughed-out on paper, he insisted I try to draw him first. So I did, and it doesn't look too bad at all! So Javes is next, hopefully, because he's getting a lot easier to see lately (especially since he's been putting a lot of extra thought and work into his role) and honestly I'd like to focus on him for a while in any case. He still smells like Christmas, amusingly-- all cloves and nutmeg-- which is surprisingly fitting to him as a person. Like Laurie, he has a sort of public "edge," that makes him seem more blazing and harsh at a glance than he actually is. His edge is a lot softer than Laur's, though, and he really doesn't have any walls; the slightest sentimental push and he'll completely crumble into heartfelt compassion, the sort with so much fire behind it it can surprise even me at times. Javier is seriously the perfect person to hold the Red core slot; he is everything I ever was on my best days while holding that color. I'm really proud of him, actually.

Third, speaking of Javier and Laurie.
I was up stupidly late last night reviewing old Xanga entries, and finding quotes for that poster project... but it ended up breaking my heart, looking for Laurie's.
I was all but sobbing from how much my heart hurt. She got close to that too, once she saw the ones I had picked.

I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me.

You were wondering why I wear so many of these bandages? Can you imagine what I'd look like without them??

I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

She realized I was choosing the absolute most heart-wrenching ones for her and she actually began to tear up, almost disbelievingly.
Javier had this verge-of-tears look as well, as he listened and watched, asking us "what did you go through?" and basically trying to understand just how much history Laurie and I had, especially those moments that left beloved scars. The both of us were trying to explain, but since it was so late I was actually slipping into bloody poet mode, both despite and because of the pain, and how I wish I could remember what I said... but I know how it felt, and it was one of the truest things I've felt in a very, very long time. Unfortunately I slipped up at one point, I was two seconds away from probably kissing Laurie but then I stopped, both feeling and talking so honestly, the self-censorship kicked in. For a minute we all got scared I had unplugged, but I started talking again, same topic, and managed to slip back into sincerity after a minute or so although it was shaky now. But I was hitting some really deep waters, and when I started re-reading those quotes the fog of hesitance started to dissipate almost immediately. The pain and the love was too great not to.
And then, I forget when exactly it happened, but I was trying not to break into sobs and Laurie suddenly kissed me, not caring that Javier was there, and without pulling my hair. Believe it or not I don't think she's ever done that before. That pain was always the last bastion she had up against total openness and vulnerability, for both of us, but right then there was no sting at all, just the overwhelming heartbreak that had sparked such an action.
I just... I loved her so much right then. Honestly, I adored her for the past several hours (and years) prior, but in that second where she straight-up didn't care about walls or toughness or anything of the sort... it reminded me so much of January 8th, in its own way.

Laurie and Javier now appear to be bffs so this is good, I think he's awesome too. I hope he sticks around more often, we're all trying to get more people than just Laurie to work with me during the day, and personally I'd like my red bro to be one of the people I see pretty frequently, especially if we're all getting along so well already!

Now I am sorry, but I keep having to post these entries ridiculously late so I have to call it quits on this one for now.
Don't worry, I'm sure there will be even more to talk about tomorrow.