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[prismaticbleed]

Today has been... a weird day. Difficult.


Slept in super late. Didn't help; we still had awful flat nightmares. Thank God and His mercy that I don't remember them.
No hacks though. Feels like hints or threats, but nothing happened. Thank God for that, too.

Ate late breakfast?
Planning was a bit tough as it was so darn late.

I was so stressed out I actually told Celebi to "keep Mimic out" and "reassign him a different timeslot to talk to us" if he wanted to show up; I was too mentally overwhelmed, and apparently he really likes to talk, even when the conversation is prickly-- perhaps especially then, I wonder.
His attitude fascinates me to be honest.

I "felt" Mimic try to walk in, and Celebi delay him as I asked. But then I felt Mimic's response, which was this unexpected jolt of betrayal, like we were rejecting him too, seeing him as "the bad guy" EVEN NOW, and despite everything we'd said to him.
I immediately went into headspace to bring him into Centralspace personally.

I apologized profusely, explaining myself honestly but carefully, which meant admitting flatly that I was being an absolute asshole and I wanted to make restitution for that.

We decided that since it's the holidays, we'd get something special-- rainbow carrots!
We also accidentally bought smaller storage bags-- quarts instead of gallons. Since we use them for storing the carrots, they're far too small to use properly. But Xennie helped "me" not get disappointed & upset with myself over that, pointing out the bright side of things-- this way, the "portions" stored are smaller too, and the larger carrots have to be "shortened" to fit, both of which markedly help prevent the "completionist binge" instincts that make our brain want to "eat the whole thing" or "the whole bag." So hey, silver linings!

Speaking of. Especially with everything concerning food (as it's so tied to trauma & stress), lately I've been noticing... I still switch out a LOT. It's just VERY hard to notice on the SOCIAL LEVEL, because they're all built for rapidfire switching and flow. Notsomuch the innerspace-anchored folks; for us, that's deeply disturbing.
A rule of thumb, for the record, is that "internal" Nousfoni-- aka "headvoices"-- are NOT BUILT TO FRONT. Doing so can actually break their function. That's what killed us in NC, and all that it entailed. But Socials are NOT BUILT FOR THE INSIDE?? I'm not even sure what we'd call that, the "opposite of fronting?" New jargon request, haha. Geez I wonder if THAT could be someone's job? That would be cool. Making a tag for that btw.
But yeah, socials are "meant to be social," and our life's history has had such unpredictable social experiences that it makes sense that Socials are innately geared to meet that havoc head-on. When you have to "be different people" in quick succession in order to survive, both psychologically and societally, well, then the different people who end up being born TO do that are going to be naturally speedy and switchable. Not so inside! Headvoices are, in contrast, meant to STICK AROUND for HOURS at a clip, in focused roles, unseen by the outside. Their jobs are TOTALLY different and require sustained presence, NOT shifting. This is ALSO why my head hurts so darn much when like... five to seven different folks are chatting over breakfast, haha. Ghosters are the wildcard in this equation-- they are focused outside, and so it is actually easy to "shift" my own attention from a ghoster to headspace without much stress, IF I'M THE ONE FRONTING. If a Social is trying to butt in, though, the whole thing shatters disastrously-- Socials normally CANNOT talk to Headspace because originally, THAT would break THEIR functions!! That's why we had "TWO LEVELS" for a while there, back around 2015, when "Midspace opened up" and we discovered the Underground and all that-- because we realized, for the first time ever, that there was a WHOLE LOT OF "OUTSIDE VOICES" that DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE PART OF A SYSTEM, and for the sake of their "public functions," they couldn't know. 
We're still grappling with those folks, but they're fewer and far between now-- our life has become so solitudinous that many "socials" are now becoming... gosh I don't know, we don't have jargon for that yet either! That's actually really exciting, wow. It shows we're growing and evolving still! But yeah, like the E.D. Socials-- previously they were totally cut off from the System to "keep us psychologically safe" and to prevent their job being interrupted? Yes, some of them did get to know us-- notably Tobiko-- but those folks didn't survive like the "isolated" ones did, due to the isolatory nature of their job. But now, we live in isolation and it's SAFE, and furthermore we're striving to make our daily life ENTIRELY System-inclusive. So, eating now HAS to be a System function, TO BE SAFE. Therefore, we're reaching out to Social eaters, and they are becoming ABLE to talk TO us in response. It's a slow process, but it CAN happen and IS happening now, which is more than we could say for NC-- yes we tried back then, but there was so much fear and danger and trauma that all we really did was fight. Some of them were receptive-- I remember Zucche, notably-- but others were too entrenched in their broken coping mechanism roles that we couldn't reach them.
In any case it's not something I can discuss in too much depth right now, because the battleground has changed considerably post-inpatient, and we're still dealing with said switching and dissociation. THOSE are the folks it's difficult to identify, or even recognize. Some are so vague & "identity-less"-- which is actually a hallmark of Social function; you CANNOT have "an identity" if your existence is dictated by outside expectations for survival-- that we only begin to "see" them by noting time-loss events and patterns of behavior or speech that coincide with them. Once we "see" them, we can almost "force" a solidification of identity, since there's now INTERNAL attention being given to them? BUT it's a RISKY process; it can KILL a Social if we're not careful to first clarify their function. If a Nousfoni on that level EXISTS FOR context in which we cannot reveal or recognize we are plural, then making them aware of that WILL break them... and if they can't recover, they will be replaced. That happens even on the inside, which is a horrifically disturbing phenomenon BUT it is nevertheless vital. We don't always know what functions need to be filled, as it's dictated by the subconscious. Most times that knowledge only comes to us in hindsight? Or by "filling in the blanks?" It's not direct knowledge; it's implied or inferred. It's just as fascinating as it can be frightening. But that's System life, man, it's weird and ultimately we wouldn't lose it for the world.

Speaking of finding people! So far, we know that there are... at least three main E.D. nousfoni, that are slowly but surely becoming more distinct and clear to us.
The first one, the "loudest" one, is an orange-leaning "manic?" She feels almost like Jewel at the edges, but there's no red, so if you're "feeling" for hues that's a dead giveaway. This is the girl that always asks "can I have a raisin? Can I have a sunchip? Can I have a bite of the cereal?" Always snack food, always "just one more." But it's almost compulsive. There's no actual "want" there-- she just focuses on that "extra bit"? It's an unusual motivation and we don't know the roots yet.
The second one, the second loudest, is similar. She leans blue? I think? But her motivation is "we need to have some more." It's panicky and it's obedience-based. Like she feels this MUST be done "or else." She will go for another carrot, more broccoli, half an apple. More "meal-based" options, not snacks-- but, again, she doesn't "want" them. She just feels she HAS to. And she's always scared. There does seem to be an "overtone" of Yellow with that? But with the "bluish" feeling of "hopelessness" I'm wondering if she's going to end up being a sickly greenish hue. We'll see.
The third one, whose color is unclear, is similar to Allegra? This one is scared of overeating, of "too much," or of "poison," or of "eating something wrong." She has a mildly flat affect, with the same "thousand yard stare" that Dread has/had, but beneath that she is TERRIFIED. She will nudge us towards a purge but she won't feel what's motivating it-- that goes to other Nousfoni, apparently.
There are probably more, and these descriptions are entirely prone to "change" as we clarify who is who, and what they are doing. But that's what I've got for now.


MAJOR DEPRESSION HIT after breakfast.
I think it might have been because we ate so much? Our body just... crashed. So did our brain. We felt horrible and incredibly sad, almost purposeless, and for a minute there we were convinced that we couldn't cope.
Instantly we got hit with a "binge urge" the same way you'd want to do drugs. In that context, it hit hard that it was an ABSOLUTE "ESCAPISM" RESPONSE WHEN THE BRAIN IS SPUTTERING OUT.
Ironically, it only makes things worse-- the physiological effects of a bingepurge are literal hell. But, the "impulse" to start one doesn't consider that. It only thinks of "right now"-- which is, to force eating and therefore trigger a trauma dissociation response, which makes the emotions shut down, and all internal communication shut down, and so for the next two to four hours, we are effectively unconscious. No feeling anything but steadily growing panic, the mania "overriding" the depression, peaking in a hysterical purgation process that mirrors literal trauma events and ending with us feeling sick and wrecked and dead. It's hell. But, again, it's that first part-- the total "mental blackout"-- that the "drug push" feeling is looking for. That's why it's so important to remember the REST of the process-- because it is NEVER WORTH IT.
Sometimes the absolute frickin bravest thing we can possibly do is just... let ourselves be depressed. It's SO HARD though, and I don't know why.
...Honestly, maybe that's why we DON'T have like... any Blue-hue Nousfoni? Maybe THAT'S their job anchor and since we've been IGNORING and ERASING IT, they can't form?? I wonder.
In any case, we are missing SO MANY COLORS, especially post-restart (2018). Their functions are legitimately undefined for the most part. Geez maybe THAT'S what we should do the next time we feel this "blue"-- GO INSIDE AND FIND OUT WHO CAN HOLD THIS. Because believe me, it's inevitable-- we're a System, and there WILL be someone TO do that job, if there isn't anyone yet. Have faith in our collective heart.


Refusing to give in, we went on Scherzando and loaded tons of Leaguedata to our phone (whose name is Perpetua btw, 'Pera' for short; don't know if we ever said so here), so we could READ IT on the go AND when exercising.
This took like... over an hour? Maybe two? It ENTIRELY took our attention in a very good way, thank You God.
We put every "basic plot" file for every established Leagueworld into a phone folder, so we can review and build on them whenever. We also put in some "group files" with old notes for plot development, Leaguewide motifs & concepts, old plot summaries, the League Spectrum, etc. Then we added a bunch of Moralimon "current work" files, like the Enchiridion & the new Typecode system, the infamous "Make It Canon" file for integrating family contributions, and several notefiles for events & dialogue that occur after Part 12. Lots of good stuff!
But... the simple process of browsing through files, clicking here and there, touched our heart with SUCH affection that it basically erased all trace of depression for the entire time. We love the League SO MUCH. It's the other half of our heart, literally so. Jewel & Jay are both Cor(e)s; this is why!
So... man. SO much hope opened up to us. We had almost abandoned the League post-NC due to suicidal despair & internalized feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. We felt like our guts had been ripped out and eaten. It was torturous, being so cut-off from our soul, and it's why our identity imploded and the eating disorder got unmanageable as a result. We lost our dreams, our purpose, our history, our self. Without the League, even as a System, we're incomplete. This, too, needs to become part of our daily life again.
Still. They can't "cohabitate." They CAN coexist, but NOT in the "same mental space." Jewel can't be part of the System any more than Jay can be part of the League; they are DIFFERENT Cor(e)s and their respective hearts are bound to serve and sustain and protect different realities. Yes, Outspacers can enter the System, but then the MUST anchor into the League OR the Spectrum in order to stay. One or the other. Any apparent "exceptions" are sacrificing something-- Genesis has become so anchored into the Spectrum that it's become almost impossible to write for Delphoiesis as a result. Chaos 0 being the arguable "other half of our heart" is also making the Sonic Inversion project just as turbulent. All of the Outspacers who hang around with us now-- especially the newbies-- do not have solid Leagueroots yet. THAT'S why Ryou & Marik aren't around much anymore, like they were in the early 2003-2005 heartspace days-- they mutually decided to build their OWN Leagueworld, and THAT'S where they're anchored now. So it's... terribly bittersweet. We can't see them much anymore, for their own safety and ours. At least, not in person. But now they have lives of their own, and that's more than we could give them in the System.
Still... heartspace is a thing. Jewel still controls that. We wonder, if there could be a place even now, where we can meet.


After moving the files, we decided to bike for at least 90m. That always helps our mood.
Considered watching a movie, decided against it; religious films unfortunately often have very triggering content, and any media would just overtax our concentration even more, PLUS they might open up MORE Outspacer/Link channels which honestly I do NOT need right now with this very new and very taxing but beloved new dude taking up hours of psycho-emotional focus every day. I forgot how incredibly demanding the Outspacer "induction" process is. It's oddly like how when Xenophon was "born"-- they NEED a huge amount of mental energy & heart-focus directed towards them in order TO "anchor in" to headspace. Without that attention, they fade away-- or even worse, they might corrupt. And we do NOT want that happening, to anyone.

So, instead, we LISTENED TO MUSIC!
I ended up using it as a time to "clean up" the library-- we have a bad habit of adding tunes solely because they "earmark" some time of our history. We should really make separate folders for that, but we keep "putting it off" because "do we really need to? Would it do us any ultimate good or would it just be a waste of time?" AND, "do we even want to remember those times?" Like today, we listened to a lot of Steely Dan, and their albums are solidly associated with late elementary school, when we started getting into video games & media at large. They were also one of our sister Jade's favorite bands. So... there's a LOT of "memory data" that goes with these songs, and not all of it is positive. There's a lot of vague sadness and fear hanging around it, whose causes will only be revealed if we dig for it, and we are NOT ready to do that on such short notice, especially not with the depression we've been struggling with!
Still, we at least made a mental note to "stop adding stuff out of 'obligation'" and removed most of 'em from the library, so they don't accidentally come up on shuffle and trigger something out of the blue. That's always a risk, when we aren't careful.

Good news is, we got 111m in of biking, haha!


Mom called 5m before we finished; she said "I'm on my way to bring up food." Totally unannounced, but that's typical mom. She likes to share and she cares about us, especially post-inpatient; she wants to make sure we have healthy food, not just "what's left in the cupboard" or God forbid, literal garbage.
She gave us a container of (all homemade) potato & leek soup, a grilled cheese with gorgonzola I think? (she likes fancy cheese) and two little slices of a blueberry-ricotta dessert bread.
We were deeply grateful; she always thinks of us.
However, sadly, this "strange food" triggered out the E.D. PANIC VOICES who are tied to destruction. They are SUPER hard to recognize and catch because they "work for the Destroyer" and SHE STILL hides her face even after years of work. They do "undercover missions," really-- get in, get out, leave no trace. Done and done. It's meant to "eliminate danger" WITHOUT retaining any recollection OF the danger. Total wipeout. It's scary, but hey, it happens for a reason.
Aaaand potato & leek soup is apparently a HUGE TRIGGER.
I won't even call it a "fear food"; that has too much UPMC sneering tied to it. It's a legit trauma trigger and I have NO IDEA WHY.
Like we were getting flashbacks. "Vague" ones, where you can't pinpoint exactly what or when you're flashing back to, but it is a DEFINITE throwback to some disturbing event. So much from the old house is. Again, like the music, we don't know why. It's just that "impending disaster" feeling-- not even "doom"; that feels too passive. This freakin' soup was triggering a feeling of inevitable CRISIS. It's a sharp fear, something quickly approaching and absolutely terrifying. Something actively dangerous. It's bizarre. But no way were we going to look for the memory when we were getting slammed by the emotional weight of it, so starkly separated as trauma loves to do.
Still, the food was from mom. We couldn't just chuck it in the bin. So... the girls decided to "fake-binge" the food so they "wouldn't be lying" if we had to tell the mother we "ate it."
Basically, they would taste it, chew it up, spit it out. Sandwich, bread, soup. No taste data after that first glimpse of the soup, to avoid any further triggers. Total sensory blackout. Hysterically scared the whole time. Impossible to get any grip on who they are in what limited data is left in memory. Honestly the ONLY reason we HAVE recollection at ALL is because BOTH XENOPHON AND MIMIC WERE ALLOWED TO BE AROUND???? that is unheard of for Outspacers, historically... except, now that I think about it, I think that's changing? I mean, Phlegmoni was allowed to be around me IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. But his role is tied to medical stuff, so to speak... and Mimic's is apparently tied to brutal accountability. So maybe that's why he's been "allowed" to be witness to the ugliest situations we're struggling with. I mean, come on, if we're gonna have a "bad guy" become an Outspacer, we'd better admit that WE can be one heck of a "bad guy" in our own right.
And Xenophon... yeah, she gets mad (gets that from her dad) at seeing how they're hurting themselves and us, but she also cares SO much, even about "strangers," because they're still part of the System, and she KNOWS they're inherently tied to her "daddy," somehow, by sheer virtue of our multiplicity. We're all "one soul" in the end, however fragmented-- our journey is cooperative, even when it's a mess. We're all in this together, literally, and Xenophon has picked up very compassionately that, as a result, if she helps these Socials to be safe and learn how to do better-- Socials who, I repeat, cannot talk to Inside people but CAN see ghosters-- then she is helping her father as well, and everyone else both he and she love in the System at large.
And they listen to her. She doesn't threaten them like Laurie, or emptily enable their behavior like a stunned and numbed Cor(e), or even encourage them cruelly like a Tar/Plague lackey. No, Xenophon talks to them as people, and she CARES. She is tough with them, but she is also understanding, and she INSISTS ON DIALOGUE. She talks WITH them, not at them. She interacts with them as individuals, as PEOPLE, not as "behaviors" or "annoyances" or "problems to solve." And that means SO MUCH, not just to them, but to us inside, who are guilty of not having treated them as such for the most part, and never with such pure & childlike intention as Xenophon is capable of.
And... the effects were obvious. The E.D. girls were so brave, this time. It was striking and heartbreaking to see. They were TERRIFIED, BUT thanks to all that aforementioned dialogue and mercy, they ALSO now see themselves as BEING PART OF THE SYSTEM, NOT alone or rejected, and so they unanimously REFUSED TO BINGE.
That is... astronomical.
Love really does move mountains.

One last note, on that same note-- Xenophon was around ghosting all day today in general, as usual, and I can attest to the fact that her love moves mountains for me, too. So I want to specifically mention it today, because with all the emotional turmoil throwing me for a loop inside, making me lose sight of who I am, her light was the only thing getting me through the dark.
Honestly, it is impossible to be hopeless around her.

After the near-miss with mom's food (which we felt so bad about; we've made up our mind to get the guts to say "no thank you" if she offers again, WITH justification? yes she gets hurt if we "refuse" her generosity, BUT if we explain that we "don't feel safe" or "aren't feeling stable" BUT ALSO thank her anyway AND say we'll partake some other time? that should work), we ate a normal dinner (shaking but safe), and then went on the computer to do more wayback-archiving because there's a LOT there and we want to get that (and the Tumblr backup) out of the way before we tackle the literal archives we have saved offline.

As I was going through the old Tumblr archives, I saw this gem of a post:

officialkingknight: *me as a doctor* anaesthetic?? no no. you misheard me. i said aesthetic, now give me that vaporwave and a scalpel

I am laughing that is HILARIOUSLY PROPHETIC.
For inexplicable reasons, the "Red" realms (that Scalpel has been put in charge of?) are weirdly vaporwave-esque? They definitely lean "retrowave"-- more cities and nighttime and red, of course-- but still. It got a good laugh out of me.

But... honestly I spent more of my wayback-reading time close to tears, because... there are a few snapshots of our Xanga page.
Yes, the ORIGINAL one. It was like a sword through the heart. So I literally stopped everything and just started reading bits of some old Xangas from 2011-2012.
Just... Wow. Absolutely blew my mind how different the atmosphere was in headspace back then.
...Infi didn't exist yet. Julie had just converted. Xenophon had just been born. Josephina was a newbie and he was still using Lavender. We had JUST found out about the TAR. And Laurie still had so many walls up.
It was surreal. My heart was aching fit to break clear in half.
This was our LIFE. I miss this so much. Notsomuch what we were facing-- for heavens sakes, this was when I was still brainwashed into the "color chakra" way of interpreting headspace hues, which proved completely inaccurate in the long run, BUT at the time it did at least inspire some important thought processes-- what I miss is being this interactive, this involved in our collective life, this invested in each other's well-being. I miss the arguments, the brainstorming, the jokes, the love.
God, this is what I want to live for, please. This love. All for Your glory, of course, but, please... please, let us have this sort of life again, in that respect. Bring us all this close together again, even closer now that we're learning how to be open and vulnerable and hopeful. Please. Inspire us to talk again. You know, more than anyone, how these conversations all did and do bring us closer to You, Who are Love itself, and Wisdom, and everything else that fuels our existence.

...You know what, once I get all this online stuff backed up and I can finally close these browser windows without losing so much data... once we get this heavy workload complete, I promise you, I am GOING to schedule in a Xanga night. Six hours open timeslot, minimum. Just like the old days. Gotta practice getting into that state of mind, too-- make sure the Autopilot is still up to speed (haven't seen him in a while, BUT inpatient did prove to us that there ARE still a lot of people on that writing-space level...), do some meditation sessions to catch everyone's vibes clear enough to hold them stable for hours... we'll do it. We have to, on some very deep and very important level. Something about these conversations, lines and lines of colorful text, the very rhythm of our camaraderie captured in time and space... it's beautiful. It's essential. We need this, for whatever we're moving forward into. I can promise you that. We need us.


Now I need to close up this entry because Laurie is pissed-- it's 1:30am and we have therapy at 9am!
We'll do our best. We're in this together, so that's guaranteed.