052322

[prismaticbleed]

Woke up 11am

Not as much pain thank God, but feel sick, off, wrong 

Infi & I talking, hir FRONTING briefly to speak

Discussing "splagchnophage" problem 

"Substitute for intimacy" 

Awful "glutton" etymology. "Starving for connection" etc

Like I will eat a chicken heart but I don't want to be close to that particular chicken nor do I want to be a chicken. It's more like, I want to be something that eats hearts for the sake of what a heart IS as a standalone truth?

We need a xanga ASAP 

Marello Mass 

Sobbing before Communion 

Not worthy at all "please, say the word, whatever it is, please say it so my soul can be healed" etc. Desperate 

Want to be a nun so bad, but feel bereft of direction 

Jesus said fill out the papers I have, start there

Also reminded of Vocation Match! Do that! 

Home for 1pm

Cleaned up newspapers 

NCR article about Dominican nun, felt like a sign

Vacuumed at last, took down garbage 

Made food, didn't eat

Wanted mints & cucumber. They help remove the gross feelings 

Went shopping

Using mom's pocket change in car. Hated self for it, but driven by addictive compulsion. Need help. Its a vicious habit I feel powerless to break 

Piranha and Sneasler scolding me about food 

"If you love me, you won't eat the tuna anymore" = "you eat what reminds you of me, but you won't actually DO what I like to get closer to me!" 

Intimacy fear but wanting to feel connected regardless? 

Dad visit

Bathroom done!

Invited to memorial day at Harry's 

Got SOUP & BEANS from stepmom

;_; deeply touched actually 

Home, donated half the soup, wanted to pay it forwards 

Meditations on the Creed AMAZING. Get the book!! 

Logging into Eucharistic Adoration for just a few moments. 

...No one in my entire life has ever looked at me with as much love as Jesus looked at me in that moment.

It was like a fusion of every look of love I've ever received, Lifted up to divine heights that nothing mortal could ever match. 

Honestly life changing. 

Make sure we go to adoration tomorrow for at LEAST a full hour. Carlos acutis ref in NCR= top priority, stop everything else; "he Needed to be with Jesus" 

Fighting panic-eating compulsion

IMMEDIATELY relieved by PRAYER.

Jesus telling me "you need more orderliness in your life" = getting on a better prayer schedule would ABSOLUTELY defeat the gluttony because I would be FEASTING MY SOUL ON GOD, Who is What I TRULY am starving for!!

Researching original sin

https://jweekly.com/2011/11/18/bible-scholar-to-put-jewish-spin-on-original-sin/

REALLY hurt to read:

"Even if we agree with Christians that humankind was born in a state of grace, fell, and now requires divine salvation, where we find that salvation is very different. For Christians, it’s Christ, and for Jews, it’s Torah. The Christians tell the Jews that the law doesn’t save you, and the rabbis say that, in fact, the law is the only thing that can save you. The only antidote to the pollution of the serpent is Torah. If I go over to the other side and accept Jesus and I’m saved, why would I keep putting on tefillin and observing Shabbat?"

...because you love God? Because those ritual actions and holy days are tangible expressions of your devotion to Him and His centrality even in your everyday existence?

I'm so hurt and confused. Works cannot save because then you could have robots "meriting salvation" through mechanical action alone, however beneficial. It also is weirdly "ableist"; what about the handicapped? The retarded? The mentally ill? The chronically disadvantaged? I would LOVE to keep the entire Torah but its impossible. I'm too weak and stupid. But I'm still gonna TRY to be good, in HOPE of salvation, NOT in hope of "being good" for my own sake of pride BUT because I LOVE GOD and don't want to offend Him, and I want to be WITH Him which is ONLY possible IF HE SAVES ME. 

...