120725

[prismaticbleed]

FINALLY A FREE DAY

Dream with the System and DAENGELS!!!
Little girl stealing my phone
Wreckage & Laurie
Lynne & Julie & Leon
INFINITII, LETHE, & MEDALLION


Father Jackson's homily had me WEEPING IN CHURCH

EUCHARIST DROP.
Agonizing to see Him there. Was about to run over and eat Him but a man pointed Him out to the Priest.
Was I wrong to wait?

Christmas tree decorating problem = mom's old poinsettia decorations have this HORRID odor to them from storage.
Ah well, now I get to buy my OWN ornaments!

Accidentally FROZE the hemp hearts, haha. Maybe they will taste even better, we shall see.

23 HOUR FAST ONCE AGAIN

Stupidly tried to eat an apple after dinner
Threw it up as usual, total panic. Fruit both hurts physically and terrifies me mentally.
Ashamed, crushed, angry, grieving, despondent
At least God was merciful. I was able to eat a bag of broccoli to replace half of what i lost.
still. miserable.


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:9 Heb “He has made my paths crooked.” The implication is that the paths by which one might escape cannot be traversed.
[The vast majority of "crooked"="avah"'s uses refer to perversity and iniquity, something "distorted"– or even "convulsed" as in intense pain. The word "paths"="nathiyb" implies a well-worn road, one walked frequently, comfortably, and without variance. Together, in the suggested context of the author's seeking escape from suffering, this verse suggests to me that all his old coping methods have been, due to this judgment on his sin, rendered utterly ineffective. His "nathiyb"s, however familiar and successful they were in the past, roads down which he ran to flee the voice of his conscience, were now "made" crooked by God through the power of conviction via punishment. In his agony, the author could no longer find consolation in his old methods, because the pain and shame he was now feeling was so intense and gut-deep that it proved, by its abstemious influence, just how "crooked" his paths HAD been all along. "God" therefore did this, because without His intervention, those paths would have "stayed straight"... at least, to feet used to stumbling about in iniquity, to whom a crooked walk was normal, those paths would have been smooth. God simply upended that perverse perspective with the Truth, by forcing him to sober up and face reality. He could now hear his conscience crying out loud and clear, unmuffled by anodynic attempts, as inescapable as the siege itself.] 

3:11 Or “he made my paths deviate.”
[See previous. Ironically, the deviation is now from the author's own will and hopes. The word used, "sur," means not only "turning," but also "departing" or "removing." God is making him turn back to his LORD, by removing his willful paths, and forcing him to depart from his old ways. By imposing a different direction upon the author's life, by the devastation he is now enduring, God is compelling him to "deviate from deviation," essentially– to "return" to God's path, the path of Truth, and abandon his own crooked one.]


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:13 Heb “sons of his quiver.” This idiom refers to arrows. The term “son” (ben) is often used idiomatically with a following genitive, e.g., “son of flame” = sparks, “son of a constellation” = stars, “son of a bow” = arrows, “son of a quiver” = arrows, and “son of threshing-floor” = corn.
[This is such a beautiful idiom. ...I also wonder, unsurprisingly, if it has any relevance to the System.]

3:13-14 The Hiphil stem of (boʾ, lit., “cause to come in”) here means “to shoot” arrows... "He made the arrows of His quiver enter my inward parts".
Heb “[into] my kidneys.” In Hebrew anthropology, the kidneys are often portrayed as the most sensitive and vital part of man. Poetic texts sometimes portray a person being fatally wounded by the Lord shooting arrows in his kidneys. The equivalent English idiomatic counterpart is the heart, which is employed in the present translation: "He shot his arrows deep into my heart."
[...this verse ruins me. pun intended.]

"God took careful aim and shot His arrows straight through my heart."
"He pierced my heart with His arrows."
"He drove into my heart the arrows of his quiver."
"Behold, He has caused His arrows to enter into my heart."
"He brought the sons of His quiver into my heart."
[...there's a gutpunch of significant nuance in the evolving action verbs here. God "shoots", "pierces," and "drives into"– violent, agonizing terms, words of war and slaughter– but He also, simultaneously even, "causes to enter" and "brings into," language that transforms those exact same arrows from weapons to welcome guests, directed and accompanied by God Himself. And yet, they are still being fatally plunged into my most vital organs. This is the awful paradox of love and terror, the beloved anguish of an intimate wound, even when dealt out decisively for devastation. I don't know how to deal with it. God shot his Arrows into my heart as a killing blow, as an act of irreversible judgment against my spiritual prostitution, with every divine intent of annihilating that life as a result, and yet... and yet I still loved them. I still love them. Our relationship was doomed because of our sinful lifestyles and yet I still loved them. I brought down calamitous curses upon our little household because of my uncontrolled vices and yet I still loved them. I was just as much a weapon of God against them as they were to me, both of us dealing incurable damage to each other by God's wrathful Hand without ever intending to do so ourselves, and yet... and yet I still loved them, even when I hated them, even when I ran away from them to submit to the birth family, even when I shut off my emotions and forgot about them for over a year. Even when God uprooted our relationship and walled off all the roads to return, even when He "made all my paths crooked" as I tried to find you again, even when I'm still bleeding out from my internal organs and am punished by never being able to help you heal from what you suffered at my hands... even now, even now, in agony and regret and rage and fear and unbearable grief, even though now I know our relationship was killing me, I still love you. God shot His Arrows into my heart, and no matter what I do, I cannot get them out... and I don't think I want to.]


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https://biblehub.com/hebrew/4844.htm
maror: Bitter herb

• Discipleship: Teaching on maror encourages believers to accept that sanctification often includes seasons of hardship, yet those seasons are framed by God’s covenant faithfulness.
[No hardship will ever occur outside of that framework, or as anything but a mere "season"; God's Covenant Faithfulness is actually the constant context of every chastisement or even curse we must endure, for they are all meant specifically and solely to cure & correct us so we CAN be sanctified. His final end, and unwavering intent, is for bitterness to bloom into blessedness. The "herbs" that taste so sharp to us are medicinal in effect. Trust your Fatherly Physician. There will be sweetness again, once your illness abates.]

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3:17 The connotation is that there is no peace within; the speaker is too troubled for any calm to take hold.

My soul is bereft of peace;
My soul has been deprived of peace;
My soul has been excluded from peace;
My soul has been rejected from peace;
My soul has been cast far away from peace;
My soul has been kept from enjoying peace.

I cannot find peace;
Peace has been stripped away;
He hath put my soule out of rest;
God has removed peace from my life.

My soul has gone astray from peace;
My soul has been led astray from peace and I have forgotten good... I have forgotten what is good... I forget all good things.

I have forgotten prosperity;
I have forgotten happiness;
I cannot remember happiness;
I have forgotten what happiness is."

[this verse is literally my life. it crushes me to weeping]

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3:19 The basic meaning of (zakhar) is “to remember, call to mind”. Although it is often used in reference to recollection of past events, it can also describe consideration of present situations: “to consider, think about” something present.
[BOTH are simultaneously applicable to the Eucharist— "do this in remembrance of Me!" + "Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age!"]
[...this also has PROFOUND RELEVANCE & SIGNIFICANCE for us, in terms of REMEMBERING OURSELVES, both as persons and in time. The massive memory loss & distortion we have suffered over the years is literally preventing us from existing in the present. But "zakhar" suggests that, as we review the archives and truly "recollect" ourself by recollecting our past, we will finally "be here now," once again. To remember is to be. How odd, and how beautiful.]