the spectrum heart cathedral system

HAPPY SUNDAY IT'S 230PM BREAKFAST TIME 😂
Seriously though i don't mind. I'm used to fasting thanks to God's training. Remember yesterday's VOTD about discipline!
Today had been gorgeous, and I thank God for that too.

Dream with grandma wanting "chicken pancakes". So realistic that as soon as I woke up I googled recipes for it haha.
But... honestly I think I've been dreaming about her every night for weeks now. It wasn't like this last year. And... it's so strange. In our dreams, we're always at the homestead, but the era is very starkly different: either we are a child, around age 6-7, or we are in 2021-2022, when she was in home hospice. In both cases she is still bedridden, but she's... not dying? She's not in pain. We're still taking care of her in the dreams, but she is smiling and talking and lucid; it's not like the last days actually were, when her awareness of both self and space was visibly deteriorating from the cancer.
...It feels like God is giving me a "second chance." We weren't conscious for the entire time grandma was ill; we were still "dead" post-CNC, and God only knows who was fronting. So memory only starts to pick up in late 2021, I think? Whenever we started listening to Larnelle Harris and hanging clothes on the porch at night with WVIA jazz playing in the background. They're very broken memories, like looking through someone else's brain from behind, but they're real flashes. Nevertheless, they are very sparse.
But... the point is this. We didn't get to care for her. We weren't ABLE to care for her; we were addicted and abusive and absolutely incapable of doing good for anyone. We didn't even wake up until half a year after she died. And... now, suddenly, when we ARE aware and conscious and SANE for the first time in freakin' YEARS... God is giving us these dreams. We're able to see her, even though we don't "remember" her. It's so strange. We see snippets of childhood, and that house, and it's like photographs that we only saw once suddenly come to life.
But we're grateful. Whether or not we actually remember our body's chronological history, it happened, and it affects us whether we realize it or not. So God giving us these nighttime "visits" is a real grace.

 
Beautiful post-rain winter sky upon waking, like a big silver fluffy blanket. It was shockingly lovely to see. I lay there with CZ for a bit and just looked at it.

Needed TWO glucose at church today, but didn't feel super sick, just cold & so lightheaded the room was wobbly and my sense of proprioception was failing, haha. That happens when the glucose drops!

CCD kids stopped in between Masses! Impressed and deeply humbled by how simply yet piously Maryann P teaches them the basics. I have a lot to learn, and a lot of foolish pride to lose, if I ever want to teach children too.

MARVELOUS HOMILY. "Choose carefully!!" Fr. P gets SO ZEALOUS i love it so much. He is on fire for the faith.
Basilica broadcast had a good homily too! Tied all three readings together!

HOMESTEAD SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN. IT'S ALL AUTUMN LEAVES.
I absolutely NEED to go up there one day to help work & soak it all in.
Nabbed a pear!

Jade crying over Pepper still missing.
Had a good honest human talk today though. No zany stuff.

1234 on microwave activated Audrey's radio, haha
Did I mention we CAN see her, roughly? I need to make an avatar for her. But she's BRIGHT ORANGE. She has short hair, is a bit chubby, and she always wears big over-ear headphones. She's young, too, maybe only 13. She doesn't talk much, she communicates through music or gestures mainly; when she does talk it's quiet & brief but notably aware & intelligent for her age. She's so sweet, though. We all like her a lot.

"Laurie-analogous" protector slots for EACH color???
Spice thinking about this
Discriminating her function from both Lynne & Adelaide despite close colors

None hour prayers about loving God. "I love You, Lord, my strength, my protection, my Savior," etc. Hit me that I still don't have that personal and close a relationship with Jesus. I'm still both too scared, and too self-dependent??? Which is ironic as I am totally helpless and stupid and I KNOW it. But its learned instinct from childhood. I need to unlearn it. Even better, I need to have a "NEW CHILDHOOD" IN CHRIST!!!

Etymology bliss= learning "claudere" root words!
Honestly when I learn more about the "skeletons" of language it's like a whole new world opens up. I can recognize the bits and pieces in common words all of a sudden, and even guess the meanings of new ones. It's such a wonderful feeling. I get that too when I can properly read Greek or Hebrew letters, which I am getting better at but very slowly, as I'm not actively studying right now due to all my time being dedicated to Scripture study outright. Nevertheless, it involves both languages inevitably, so I'm still getting some knowledge here and there. I treasure it.

We contacted YouVersion help finally. Apparently there are a LOT of known unresolved bugs, so thank God for telling us to be patient and Compassionate and not quit in a snit.
On that note it paid off already-- today we VERY SUDDENLY got back TONS OF PRAYERS that have been assumed deleted for MONTHS??? So hopefully they're NOT all gone, just glitched. Thank You God, and please forgive our stupid impatience. Thank You for not giving up on us; help us to never give up on others, either.

Think8:7 KVOTD intro actually made me laugh out loud. I always enjoy their vids, them and Word of Life.

Evening =

Family donated food. Uncontrollable panic.
Destructive binge.

I am so sick and so scared.
All I want is Jesus.

 
Audio notes please correct this later

Morning mass adoration
I felt something in my heart change completely. Being in front of the tabernacle feels like nothing else in the world. Once you're there you never want to leave it's the most beautiful thing.
I only stayed about 10 minutes today because of therapy but I want to stay Longer from now on we will work up to a hour.

Therapy talked about everything we've been writing from the hospital journal
Realizing so many old minds had taught to us as a child
Emphasizing the link between Eating disorder in sxabuse

So so so depressed looking at Tumblr People hating on religion
Actually wanted to cry felt so sick and wrong inside
Said the luminous mysteries while listening to that milky way song on loop and it helped a lot
Prayer always does it gives me such deep peace in my soul.
Also I specifically and solidly made up my mind I will never lose the Faith by the grace of God.  If I have any say in the matter with my free will then I will choose to have Faith in him. I will choose to trust him no matter what people say about him. I have seen and known his love and I know that he is true. All of the people that hate him and hate religion are working on just that hate!!  Just like the pharmacies in the passion. They were spiteful and cruel and hateful and unkind and unbelieving. They were not careful or Intelligently seeking truth, They were not humble they were not open-minded or open-hearted. The people who do act that way are the ones who ultimately And inevitably love jesus. So if we are like him if we are meek and Humble and honestly seeking truth and to follow it in love, If we seek God with all our hearts we will never hate and we will Never hate jesus.
"What the Spirit brings is very different: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control. Since the Spirit is our life, let us be directed by the Spirit."
I generally want to evangelize so badly I want to see people Learn to love him because he is so worth loving.
The daily devotional today on Esther touched on that point too.

Breakfast prep frozen carrots problem
Actually challenged on this with a daily devotional. What is God trying to tell you right now through your trials?  How can you seek him and draw closer to him during this time?
Open us app to learning and to growth seeing possibilities in loving God  guidance instead of assuming punishment and beating ourselves up.
As it turned out this whole fiasco made us realize that we need to buy carrots on Saturday. We have trusted enough to last and also shows us that they last a full week approximate. And it shows us that yes things can freeze if you put them in the back of the refrigerator. So this was not a chastisement for sin at all. It was a way of learning things that we would have no realization  That we needed to learn otherwise. Hard lesson but required for this.
So yeah trust him God even when things make no sense and are scary. He is still working believe me and he still loves you very very much.

Daily devotional fear of God seeing Imaginative space with infi talking to someone about it?  Almost heartspace.
Mentioning that they're not a literal angel because of an angel falls they are doomed forever. An angel has full knowledge of God so if they disobey they are Falling from eternity.  Infinitii said no I am born from man, Like from their soul and free will therefore She has a soul and free will too. No direct knowledge of divinity like an actual angel. I know they briefly mentioned that they fell In their own awful unique way With the whole Oliver situation.  Said they were so used to obeying and doing what Was wanted or expected of them that they never considered it could be wrong. Or that the person asking didn't realize how damaging it was.
J realizing it was all in third person, which prevents self-awareness, which is keeping infi from being reformed or conscious. They are being existing as an echo not as an actual person. They still can't cope with the trauma so they're not reforming but this is proof that their soul is still existing.
Mimic disturbed asking "is this what it's going to be like for us if we go into the league." Jewel said no because this was only a third person thing; infi couldn't exist in the first person. There was no way to interact with someone directly in that sort of a space.
We need a name for the kind of space. It's not heartspace because heartspace is first person and interactive. But this is the kind of space that Joel would get league daydreams in where you can't actually reach in or step, You can't enter it and talk to the people because they're not awake???  Very unique we need to explore this more and remember it.

That 1 kid we thought was a jewel because she looks like her is actually not
Mimic realized she existed when she kept making brain radio references. He asked why we have a brain radio in the first place? like, what's it trying to do?
He and Laurie actually realized that it is catching onto triggers, just like trauma.  It is pattern recognition. It is reminded of something from long ago and says, "Hey I recognize that!" and immediately spits out the data. Whether or not it's relevant or appropriate or healthy. It's just ecstatic that it recognized the pattern and it Allegedly knows what this is. But yeah that is the exact same mechanism that trauma triggers and flashbacks work.
This girl just repeats things like that. She points out reminders and mirrors and reflections. The smallest thing will trigger a memory and she will just start Rattling off non-stop. But she apparently can't control it Because when we call her out on it she's very ashamed.

Remember last week
The potato chip flashback Shock of the theme park
Kyanos fronting in the bathroom to stop a massive panic attack
Celebi's baby moving through TIME instead of space

Remember yesterday and the day's prior, Mimic and chaos saying our Scripture prayer together and mimic shocked at how chaos feels More than he speaks. There's a deep clarity of understanding to the words because it's not speaking So much as it is knowing and expressing, heart versus mind. But not in opposition, in unity.
Today he and j pray together, And realizing that they are perfect compliments. Chaos prays more through the heart like water deep, J actually prays more through the head like sparkling light. But together it's a perfect compliment of the deep feeling that chaos gives,  And the bright and hopeful knowledge That j gives. He's more about language and poetry, When he speaks there's a clarity to it. But it can be incomplete without that depth of Emotion and roots and anchors That chaos gives. It's the light on top of the water in the darker depths beneath. Both are needed and both are beautiful.

Praying about the league
I want to share the beauty of the Faith with those who have no vocabulary for faith.  To reach hearts who are closed to faith,  And plants that tiny seed by the grace of god, through his beauty and trust and love shown in those stories.

Laurie CONSTANTLY and EMPHATICALLY pointing me to God whenever I look to her
Today's devotional especially. God most worthy of deserving all my trust, praise, respect, and heart, always guiding & teaching & comforting. Always trustworthy, AND faithful, meaning loyally devoted TO us! Only one Who is holy, source of it, and of love. etc. She briefly but strongly defending all these assertions
Beautiful etymology for "respect" btw

Allergy scare? And so much random pain & discomfort
Accepting & offering it up. Praying for grace to truly love suffering, not masochistic or selfhating like we used to.

PACKAGE DELIVERED
BEAUTIFUL MOONGLASSES