daily journals = september 2023

[prismaticbleed]

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

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0901

First Friday.
So sick from fasting, heat, dehydration, thought we were having a heart attack

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0904

"the hired shepherd, a mercenary, who tends a flock not his own for his own interests...those ministers who care chiefly for the emoluments and advantages of their position, and retire when the position becomes irksome or dangerous."
Saw Mimic flinch. Offered hand to him solemnly. Took it. Hurting obviously but somber.
Laurie said "regret is good. It Shows that you recognize that what you did before was sin. It came from a cold heart, a hard heart. Now it's softened enough to feel pain over how it was. Don't shut that down. Remorse is a holy thing." "It's the evidence that you are a better person now"? "And you can grow better still" 

Works if mercy as a mentally ill person= What CAN I do? What feels LIKE merciful help for me that I can give?
Visit sick, NOT to talk, but to CARE, like with grandma. Others can talk. It would only harm me & make me unable to help truly.

Christ the Good shepherd goes before us in all of life, Even the darkest places, Because of his death on the cross in which he went before us even to death. And he feeds us up himself to show that, Not only is he the true food the true life that feds our soul, BUT  To also show that he needs no outside thing. All earthly food is taken from something else? Humans eat animals, Animals eat plants, plants eat light. CHRIST IS LIGHT!!!


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0908
 
SPECTRUM VIRTUES VS VICES

JULIE= LUST = PINK
MISSY = ENVY? = BLUE
BRIDGET = GREED = GREEN

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0911

 
Bravely ran to mass in rain

ACV spill hell
Got SO VIOLENTLY ANGRY????

Struggling to trust God, "I don't know why you're doing this but I know you have a good reason. Please help me trust You"

Joyful Mysteries HIT as a result of suffering backdrop!!!!!

Mom vegetables TERROR.
Allergy kid HYSTERICAL
 

Who was Janice in our System????
It resonates with SOMEONE,  post-grandma pre-hospital. Very tumultuous time period.

Laurie commented on something? Concerning our healing from the e.d. relating to Bible study?
I think maybe this =
"He calls, "Lazarus, come forth!" It is not therefore in answer to prayer that Lazarus was raised, but by the Lord's own authoritative, divine word. In spite of being bound hand and foot with graveclothes, Lazarus came forth. His face too was bound (v.44): he could not see where he was going, but the power was in the voice that called him, the power of resurrection life. The miracle is accomplished fully and perfectly... life itself is entirely in the hands of the Son of God."
IT'S FAITH. We've known this from the beginning. Either God ALONE heals us, by Himself, or we die. No therapist, no hospital, no medication, no parent, no selfhelp advice, no force of will, no human effort whatsoever would, or could, save us. Only God.
We only needed to have faith in HIM ALONE. That is where we still tragically struggle, like with the allergy panic.
"For grace, not law, is to be the power of the new life." Wondering about how that applies to TRUE e.d. recovery, as BOTH the illness AND UPMC were ALL ABOUT LAWS.

As we morbidly feared,
Mom food terror triggered a DESTRUCTION BINGE.


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0912 
 

before going to sleep, me & laurie talking about how mimic feels safe to sleep upstairs

"I love him."

"I know."

"I want the absolute best for him. 

"Newsflash, kid, that's love. 

"T know, Laurie, I'm just repeating myself in different words. 

"Yeah, and I know that. I love you too. 

"He's in good hands. 

"I hope so. By the grace of God, I hope I can give that to him. 

"Well, if it's the grace of God, then you will.

"...that's like the MOST reassuring thing you could have possibly said. 

"Thank the Holy Spirit! 

 

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0913

Sore throat means LOVELY LOW VOICE!!!

Shopping for food since we finally had a car
Everything we needed was out of stock!!
Bravely but difficultly choosing to trust God's plan in this

Walmart clothes dissociation
Gender war hell. Clothes are dramatically binarist

Home for 11

Brief IDW Tumblr browsing
Heartache for Mimic. Knowing that he's SPECIFICALLY written as a hard villain.
Still seeing his behavior as Duo and wondering, if you hadn't hardened your hearts, what would you be like? If you were unafraid & free, if you let yourself have friends and be one to them... what would you be like?
Deep sorrow that he's probably doomed by the authors. Still fiercely hoping against hope, as it were.

Vitamin overdose freakout
Crunching numbers for TWO HOURS

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0924

CHURCH MORNING!!!
DOUBLE MASSES & BEAUTIFUL MUSIC
Ashamed & humiliated by my own pride though. Offering it up to God as long as I keep catching it.

Social out joke-singing as we put gas in car; evidently muffling the schedule stress & glucose symptoms

Jade talk in car, disturbing laughter, very upsetting topics. Said nothing much but listened actively. All we can do

BK prep as usual. No mistakes despite wooziness & rush, thank God
Basilica homily = Walsingham!!

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0926

Church, stayed for Lauds
Said first 3 beadprayers when home. Getting better with this as a schedule; it hasn't "clicked in" yet so its still a push. But in time the struggle will decrease. I want it to be a beloved duty, fully so. I do love prayer, this body just complains from the effort & this brain whines about the exertion. Tis a cross, son!

BK prep
Audrey doing her compulsory lyric quoting

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0930

 
Late start to the day. Slept in due to utter exhaustion.
VERY apocalyptic flat nightmares. All with family.
Death, war, torture, conspiracy, arson, murder, etc.


SO sickly tired. 0% battery. What's going on?
Head completely messed. Uniting this to Crown of Thorns

Face burning, scared. Picked up crucifix, had Him kiss my face. Said, "either He will heal it, or unite it to His Cross." Then just surrendered. Suddenly I realized the BURNING WENT AWAY!!! He is so kind to me. Remember all these little mercies & proofs of compassion; they are powerful weapons against doubt & despair.


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