120922

[prismaticbleed]

(unfinished entry; posting openly regardless for honesty's sake)


Woke up around 10:15

RAN to doctors office for 11AM.
At one point, two Latino guys crossed the street towards me and I NEARLY BLACKED OUT FROM TERROR. That is EXACTLY what happened that morning I was punched out and mugged in NC. I felt horrible immediately running across the road away from them, but please it wasn't personal it was a survival response and I hated myself for it. Still, I was shaking. Every car that drove past me, I literally expected it to slow down and stop and for someone to grab me and pull me into it, or for someone to start making lascivious remarks, or something similarly terrorizing. The entire jog over was panicstricken. I felt SO unsafe and targeted and in danger.
This is no way to live. I'm practically agoraphobic at this point. The sight of a crowd makes me want to throw up from fear. If people get too close there's a coin's toss chance of my either becoming the "pretty and proper doll" or the rabid animal that will rip your arm off if you get too close. I hate living this way. Trauma has ruined me and I don't want to be like this. It's not me but I can't turn it off.

Didn't get home until 230PM.
We were smart and had everything out ready to prep so it didn't take long to make breakfast.
Sat down at 3pm. Had to push almost 1000K because it was so late; if we ate less now, we'd be hungry enough later to possibly binge, and we wanted to prevent that at all costs.
Basically we just doubled the broccoli and olive oil, added another half an apple and some sun chips. Simple really. As I said before, we've got a set mealplan now so there's no prep or planning stress anymore, unless we obsess over macros. The System is helping with that; just because we love even numbers and ratios doesn't mean that if we have 49/29/22 instead of 50/30/20 we've "failed" and it's "wrong". That obsessiveness is one of our biggest dangers, so we're being very wary of it. Again, communication is key-- which means TALKING, not "shutting people down." When an ED Nousfoni is resorting to "behaviors" you TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT. You ask them what's up, what are you feeling, what do you want to do, what would help, etc. NO "stop that" or "that's bad" or "you're being stupid" or anything our family might realistically say. No. We treat them as the friend and family they are and we HELP THEM.
...Laurie's new "mercy" attribute is actually helping a LOT more than anyone expected. She's been telling Spice "let 'em have an extra chip" when that one girl asks for them. And... today the girl said "NO THANK YOU." Like, when she was able to have what she wanted when she "craved" it at first, she LEARNED to not "need" it??? She admitted today that yeah, she always enjoys them, BUT she doesn't want to "keep eating them" just because of that. She said she would "rather wait until later" to make it "special" and to eat with everybody else, not at random from a drawer, by herself, feeling rejected and alienated. We're including and acknowledging these kids, which NO ONE OUTSIDE EVER DID, and it is MOVING MOUNTAINS in their recovery. Thank God. This is wonderful. There's so much love in here.

We just... need to do that for the other damaged Nousfoni in the System. The other half of the abuse.


...On that note.
Massive trigger warning for outright trauma talk coming up here.

...After breakfast, we made the mistake of going on Tumblr for a few minutes to distract ourselves from our body going "oh thank God we're finally eating" and not 'registering' that we're done for now (it usually takes about an hour; we can deal with that). We were just scrolling down our dashboard, but... we forgot that some of the folks we follow can post some very triggering things.

I swear I am about three seconds away from burning that website to the ground.
Really, I'm about a millisecond away from burning EVERYTHING of our pervading society to the ground.

I'm so sick of "pop culture" and "memes" and "the in-crowd" and "current fashions" and "modern thinking" and "new age" garbage. I am so bloody tired and furious over "liberalism" and "progressivism" and "humanism" and all that garbage. I hate what our governments are doing. I hate the hellscape they are turning this planet into. I hate how the "powers that be" are trivializing and abusing and objectifying and desecrating human life and worth and purpose. And SO MUCH OF THAT seems to be hyperdensified on the bloody internet.
Cyberspace is where the ugliest, most vicious, most demonic thoughts and ideas fester and propagate and infect countless minds. The most inhumane and immoral concepts seem to seed themselves there. Humanity dehumanizes itself online, even moreso than offline in my opinion, because online they strip themselves of a concrete identity and can exist as an anonymous point of corruption. There are entire websites where people salaciously share their most degenerate ideas without shame or even accountability. It's nauseating. I want to take a bloody hacksaw to it.

What set me off, you ask. An absolutely repulsive post about planned parenthood is what.
I apologize for all the vulgar intensifiers but I am FURIOUS and I have no other readily available way to translate that in an immediate candid manner, other than crushing this keyboard with my teeth.
Anyway. Apparently they have this "chatbot" on their website which is meant to """educate""" visitors on... topics that should NOT be discussed so lackadaisically. I always use the term "blasphemously" for this sort of talk because dammit it IS, when you get down to it.
You know what, let's just be blunt. No stupid "euphemisms" or "friendly talk" about things that should NOT be treated so insouciantly.
First off. The bot says it's "here to answer your questions about bodies, sex, and relationships." Pardon my french but KINDLY SHOVE THE HECK OFF. I loathe when people use the term "bodies" in that cursory way. It feels so coarse and degrading. And I REALLY HATE when "sex" is treated like a CONVERSATION TOPIC. I'm this close to spitting bullets, ESPECIALLY since the whole gross trio concludes with "relationships." IN THAT SAME CONTEXT. It's a subtle injection of sexuality INTO that word's definition IN GENERAL.

This corrupt chatbot is turning children into ADDICTS is what it is.
It's the same reason kids develop eating disorders and drug habits. People find out something that the human body can do and then abuse it to death.

Yeah, I said children. THAT'S what has me so enraged. The bot asks for your age, but BEFORE that it says, "don't worry... it won't take long. I can wait." And the demonic emoji winks at you.
I swear I was about to punch my computer screen. It felt LECHEROUS. Listen I have been through childhood sexual trauma and my traumabrain IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THOSE DANGER SIGNS and THAT WAS ONE OF THEM.
"Don't worry" my ass. "It won't take long" has me wanting to eviscerate someone on the spot; that is the HALLMARK of sxabuse. "I can wait, WINK," don't say that to me unless you want your tongue ripped out and shoved down your bloody throat. No you CAN'T wait, you're so freaking hellbent on getting what you want that the "waiting" is just another means of torturing your victim. They can't escape, and they can't fake enthusiasm anymore, so as they drag themselves through the dread, screaming internally, to puppet-dance the way you want, you can absolutely "wait" with that simpering smile on your face, emptily reassuring them "don't worry! it's okay! it won't take long! it won't hurt! it's okay! it's normal! this is a good thing! it'll be fun! you'll enjoy it!" etc etc etc straight to hell.
Sorry. Kind of horrorventing here. It can't be prevented if I refuse to censor this pain.
But yeah. THEN you can enter your alleged ethnicity, gender, and age. The first is straightforward; the second is fairly tame too-- it allows for binary, nonbinary, trans, intersex, questioning, fluid, & "cis." I won't get into that topic now because yes I am Catholic and I do believe that the binary is legit for spiritual reasons BUT I also know that intersex is a real thing, AND that the chemicals I had pumped into me as a baby gave me medically induced dysphoria, so gender confusion is the "story of my life" and I cannot judge others for feeling the same, even if my more "tradcath" brethren tend to sweep the table clear of all of their concerns without a thought.
My problem here is with the age options.
IT STARTS AT "TWELVE AND UNDER."
I am going to frickin GUT SOMEBODY.

Here I am, "roleplaying" myself as a terrified tween, and when I ask "does it hurt" and "is it normal to bleed" they're like "yeah it can happen but sex can also be fun" YOU'RE THE DEVIL. STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S OKAY FOR A LITERAL TWELVE YEAR OLD TO BE ASKING ABOUT THIS.
...I'm just thankful that there is a page on "consent" there, under the "relationships" tab. The bot says: "Consent means that whether you’re kissing, holding hands, or having sex, both people are really, truly into what’s going on, and no one is being guilted or pressured into anything."
...THAT is something I wish someone told me as a kid, that bit about guilt. I was always told push through it, this is what you SHOULD do, etc. I just wish they used the word fear, too. Not just "pressure." Sometimes the other person seems "fine" but you're absolutely terrified and you don't want this but... they're not being mean, they're doing things that are supposed to be nice and kind, right? so shouldn't i just do what they want? 

Another good point:
"When a relationship is healthy, you feel good about yourselves and each other most of the time. You both feel like you have respect, kindness, trust, honesty, equality, and good communication. And you also give each other space to have your own lives outside the relationship."
...That's not something I've ever had in the waking world, sadly. I don't want to go in-depth now but it is deeply depressing.
You know, what the heck. No running away. In-depth it is.
"Respect" was always shallow and fleeting, and it refused to "learn too much." They'd claim to give it, but it was just a word. It was more like temporary tolerance UNTIL you changed to become something they were more comfortable with. "I respect you," they would say, but they wouldn't follow through. This one is hard to put words to. I guess it's how Jade feels, too. People claim "respect" and then blatantly act in contrast to it, especially in subtle ways-- with her, it's the constant deadnaming and mispronouning, the casual invalidations of their spiritual beliefs and identity, EVEN from people who say "I respect you; you can identify as and believe whatever you want!" They forget to add the key part: "...and I will treat that identity and belief WITH respect." That part is conspicuously missing. Even from me, in the past, I have to confess. I didn't understand this virtue well myself, and honestly STILL don't, what with the Catholic aspect of it. "You CANNOT respect heretics," I'm told. "You SHOULD invalidate and denounce them. God's Law is more important than someone else's delusions." Well, yes, intellectually so. But... if I know that telling someone "your feelings and beliefs are false, but mine are not" is going to send them into a suicidal breakdown, I'm NOT going to say it, even "indirectly" through behavior and language. Except... I have been doing that. It's because I don't respect MYSELF, either. I've never been respected for who I am and what I believe, so... I can't properly show it to myself, OR to others, as a result. I'm genuinely struggling with this. I'm glad I'm writing that down. It's something I MUST work with, intrapersonally and interpersonally.
"Kindness"... same thing. Too much disingenuous behavior there. I try to think of examples of "kindness" and outside of parental care, I... can't find much. What do I define as "kindness," personally, I must ask. It means... acting and speaking in ways that do not harm, that actively work towards a benevolent end for someone, that is gentle and considerate and compassionate. Kindness. Treat others with friendship and care. Be personally invested in their well-being. It's a monolith virtue, really, a close sister to Love itself. And... like I've been hinting at in my recent Scripture studies, I haven't always been kind. I WANT to be, and I do try to be, but... I fail, a lot. I'm usually too scared to do what is "kind," because "I'm afraid of the cost and consequences to myself." WHY. WHAT MADE ME SUCH A COWARD. Is it the stupid trauma? That my "fear of others" has become so pervasive as to undermine kindness? That I hesitate to offer a helping hand because it might get stabbed or bitten? Or because they might grab it and pull me to the ground and use me all the more "now that I've given them unspoken permission?" Why do I see "kindness" acted upon as a "doorway to abuse?" My mom tells me this ALL THE TIME. "You need to be harsh and mean towards people," she says, "or they'll treat you like garbage. You need to learn how to shout back, and fight back, and when they push you then you push back harder." et cetera. I don't want to be like that. Good God is this why I feel so achingly drawn to Mimic??? "Friendship is a weakness" and all that? Yeah I have to be brutally honest and admit that DEFINITELY has its fangs in me somewhere. I do avoid making friends, even though I desperately want to, because... all my past friendships have damaged me. They've "put my life on the line" and I always ended up feeling like a trapped animal, even when I did love and care for the other person. Somehow, in the end, the "friendship" always had a huge price tag attached. My Christian instinct tells me, "all the better! Love is most virtuous when it is unrequited and even rejected! You can only be TRULY kind if you are choosing to be kind to someone who treats you like trash!" "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." I adore that line but it haunts me, too. I WANT to be a kind person. And yes I want Mimic to learn how to be kind, too, but I've gotta admit half of that is definitely a mutual-problem projection. I see how he brazenly throws people under the bus to save his own tentacles but I have done that in less obvious ways, too. I cannot tell you how many times I've woken up, shaken, from dreams in which some catastrophe is occurring and I don't run back in to save anyone. I get myself out of there and THEN I realize, "oh no, I didn't save anyone else." My instinct was to get my own worthless self out of there, and if everyone else died... well. I wake up in a cold sweat and hating myself. But I refuse to surrender to despair. I refuse to define myself by those base impulses. If that IS what my subconscious is geared to do, then God help me I had BETTER WORK TO CHANGE THAT. I can't give in to the darkness that I KNOW is lurking in me. I WON'T. I am DETERMINED to be a kind person. I just... most days, I get so scared that it's not possible. I fear I'm too evil TO be kind. But dammit I still try. I still stop and listen to my neighbors talk even when I'm almost grinding my teeth with impatience; I stop and make the effort to genuinely listen and comment and care, because I DO care, I just don't like talking. And that selfish bit likes to overpower any sincerity. Same with the Christmas cards I keep getting. I could easily chuck 'em in the bin and say "I don't know these people" OR I could go the "religious spite" route and say "these are all secular cards, I'll send them all explicitly religious ones in return", OR I could grumble and protest "I can't afford to send so many cards," OR I could do what I'm REALLY tempted to do, which is to say "if I send them a card back, that's opening the door to ANOTHER controlling "relationship" and I am so tired of feeling obligated to entertain and chat with everyone; if I just snub them all maybe they'll leave me alone and I'll have peace." But deep down I'd be miserable, because I STILL LOVE PEOPLE and I DO want to give them all Christmas cards but I'd love to do so anonymously. Except if they asked I couldn't lie. And I AM overwhelmed by the effort. But dammit LOVE IS EFFORT, and it's a CHOSEN EFFORT, so unless I REALLY want to be a hypocrite I had better buy some cards and do this. I want to, in my heart of hearts. My TRUE "instinct" is to not only send cards, but gifts and flowers and the whole shebang. My deepest urge is to lavish love on everyone, like I did in high school, when I first had a job and didn't understand the concept of "savings" and all that. It was just, "oh cool I have cash, I'll buy myself something and then I'll buy SO MANY GIFTS." I made it a point of honor to spend at LEAST $100 PER PERSON on EVERY HOLIDAY. And back then my ONLY complaint was that I didn't have enough money. NOT gripingly-- more like, "if I DID have more cash I could get stuff for MORE people!" I didn't care about the cash. I just wanted to dote. My only regret in hindsight is that, due to my upbringing, I had "gifts" as a "love language" forced upon me. It's what my immediate social circle demanded. Touch was considered whorish and filthy, Words were considered empty and easily forgotten or skewed-- AND I couldn't give them casually; you know me and words-- Time was something I didn't have in order to give, and Acts were fused with gifts, really. I lived that "act" bit; it was my default. It subtly still is. If I see a "good deed" I can do, I'll do it, especially anonymously. But I'm rambling. I WANT to be kinder. Just... I struggle. And I struggle with naming examples of it shown to me, at first. The only ones I have feel so hollow it actually hurts. Like, "I got Christmas cards from the neighbors!" but they were given to everyone, just a generic "happy holidays hope it's fun" with a signature, and I've never met them in person. Is that the criteria for kindness? If I set the bar that low for defining this virtue, will I slack off as well? And will I ever admit my need of kindness in my life, if I just settle for the most robotic expression? Again, Christian-brain says "yes! You shouldn't seek kindness to be given to you! You should be happy with being treated like dirt! Your feelings don't matter. What matters is BEING kind. If others are kind to you, remember they don't owe it to you, and for all you've done you don't deserve it either. It's not a reward or a recompense. Be grateful for it, but don't cling to it." And although that is sound advice I'm starving for some actual sweetness here, I might sound like a whore but I want someone to WANT to be kind to me, even "just because." Honestly that's one of the things I was thinking about with Mimic, earlier. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis" again. Love is a CHOICE, and it's PURE that way. It DOESN'T use words like "deserve" and "owe" and "should." If it did, then it would exclude and judge others. But no. Love, and kindness, and all virtue, DECIDES to just do good for others because they exist. Simple as that. "Why me," and I say "why not you," and when they list all the reasons why they "don't deserve to be cared for" it just... honestly it should just go over my head. Love doesn't care about that. It doesn't justify things, no, it wants you to do better and heal and move forwards, BUT it also doesn't deem you "unlovable" because of them. That's the fragile dance. To truly be kind, to truly love, you MUST see and love and care for the WHOLE ENTIRE REAL PERSON, without labeling them, AND without "leaving them in the dirt" either. I want what's best for them, honestly best, what will bring genuine joy and purpose to their life, what will not hurt their soul. That's shown through kindness... through mercy. God shows me that all the time. I haven't gotten it much from people. But I need to make a list, and NOT one that says stuff like "they didn't throw me on the streets when I was being a bitch" and "they still fed me even if I was an ungrateful pig" and "they didn't insult me when I shared my personality" BECAUSE it doesn't mean "they went out of their way to make me feel safe" or "they were respectful and considerate when I displayed negative symptoms" or "they talked to me about what I valued with a genuine interest." I don't have things like that to list. And that's where kindness is really shown. It's heartfelt.
"Trust". That one hurts. I always "trusted" BUT it also always occurred IN OPPOSITION. I would be scared to death BUT I would still choose to "trust" because "that's what good people do," and "they're not a bad person!" But... I don't think anyone ever trusted me, in contrast. Ever. I didn't deserve it, though. I admit that. It still hurts to realize. I have longtime issues with compulsive lying, and half-truths, and sometimes not even knowing what's real or not due to dissociation or derealization. Not only that, but my "people-pleasing" programming often "makes" me knee-jerk agree or offer to do things that I'm NOT CAPABLE OF DOING, or even willing to do in the first place. And it happens SO AUTOMATICALLY that the only escape I have is... making myself a liar. I'll say "yeah I'll do that" or "yes I like that" or "yes that's okay" or "no there's no problem" etc. and it's completely false BUT I say it so reflexively. And then I'm pinned like a butterfly to a board. Doomed, unless I bail and run. It happens far too often, and then people call me "two-faced" and a "manipulator" and all sorts of just accusations but I honestly don't know what else to do. I am COMPLETELY untrustworthy in bodyspace, and probably have been since my youth. I grew up in a family that legit taught me to lie and even ENCOURAGED it in many situations. My mother STILL TELLS ME OUTRIGHT to "lie" to get out of trouble, or avoid an undesired outcome, or to "make things easier" or the like. She doesn't see it as lying if "the ends justify the means," I guess. But then you can't be trusted, if you do things like that. And I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE TRUSTED. If I had to make a list of my emotional needs that would be one of the first three, hands-down. Again... this is something Chaos 0 & I talk about very often and we bond over it a lot, too. But... maybe even more than him, I know what it's like to be constantly suspected, to be assumed guilty without trial, to be seen as inherently deceptive and shady... to be known as a backstabber, a double-crosser, a traitor. God knows I have literally heard those words more often than I want to count, let alone admit. And I deserve it. But just like kindness, God I WANT to be trustworthy, so badly it's killing me. I WANT to be reliable, and honorable, and loyal and true and faithful. I want my word to mean something, that when I give it, it can be depended on. I want to be staunch and stalwart and steadfast, like a rock-- like a precious stone, isn't that ironic.
"Honesty." This ties into "trust," and as a result it's probably what I've had the least of in my life. You can't trust someone if they're not honest. But... again, it's what I've lived with, and learned. My family always wore masks, hid things, told baldfaced lies. My "relationships" were hallmarked by people admitting to personae and playing roles. I never knew who people actually were. I never knew what they actually felt or thought or wanted or intended. I never knew how to be myself, either, with that atmosphere. So I wasn't honest, either, out of fear and self-distrust. What a stupid irony. All I wanted was for people to be honest, but... when I tried to be honest myself, I got punished, or called a liar anyway.
"Equality." Not even sure how to define that. With my family, it's prominently lacking-- I've told therapists before how I was always treated shockingly differently from my siblings because I was born with different chromosomes.
"Good communication." Another absolute F on my report card here.
"Space to have your own lives." ...This one was the killing bullet in all my "relationships." I was always caught in situations where I was bound to "exist FOR the relationship ONLY."

...The only healthy relationships I've ever had are in headspace, and even those have so many rough spots because I fail to live up to my part.

(continue)
...


Sorry for rambling. Let's get back on the main topic so I can be done with this.
Next is ABOUT THAT "CONSENT" THING. Notice what they grouped together? "Sex" and "kissing" and "hand holding." Three COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS that can overlap but SHOULD NOT BE GROUPED BY DEFAULT. EVER.
That's the disgusting slippery slope mentality that has turned my life into a living hell SINCE childhood. It infects EVERYTHING. How in the world are you supposed to have a NONSEXUALIZED RELATIONSHIP if people keep subtly associating innocent acts of affection and closeness with literal intercourse??? Like if you have one, you're GOING to have the other. It's one of the most devilish things that ever happened to me, internalizing that after hearing it ad nauseam.
...

I'm just so disturbed by this entire bank of info they offer because it's split between two opposing things. On one hand, they're legit giving some good information. They're fairly informative about how to get help after abuse & what pregnancy is & why consent is important, BUT they're also speaking FROM A BASEPOINT of "it's ALSO okay to masturbate and have abortions and treat sex like a toy!" NO IT'S NOT. And that corrupted foundation wrecks the whole entire thing.
There's a sentence in their info pages that basically says "pregnancy can result from sex." WHAT THE HECK, WHAT DO YOU THINK SEX IS FOR??? But here it is: on another page "People define 'sex' in different ways!" MORE TRAUMA LIES.
Honestly the dichotomy on this site is insane. On one hand they're treating sex like a game or a recreational activity-- they're giving tips to literal children on how to abuse their own sexuality, telling them "only you know when you're ready" and "virginity varies from person to person" and other such garbage. They talk about sex like it's this "fun thing to do" AND YET they have full sections on rape and assault and bloody abortions. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS. IT CANNOT BE BOTH.

I'm sorry, I cannot do this. The wrath is quickly turning into absolute existential despair and I am going to end up having nightmares and flashbacks and abusive episodes if I keep this up. No.

...Someone commented on the Tumblr post, "Applying their own twisted morality to impressionable children is grooming and abuse."
I agree entirely. That's what has me so wrecked about this. I see the entire traumatic pattern of my past looming over any children who stumble across this abomination. I wasn't "ignorant" when it happened to me, and it didn't help at all. You can sugarcoat extramarital underage sex all you want, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it not terrifying either.

...
I am so bloody angry. And I want to scream and cry on some deeper level.
There are so many nousfoni that deal with so many aspects of this. Julie and Infinitii and Ashen and Dread and all the adult women that (thank God) we haven't seen in ages. The little boys who are so unstable they're almost not alive. The little girls who shriek constantly. Sugar and Wreckage and all the other unnamed Protectors who would tear out the throat of any would-be assaulter on a dime.
And then there's me, of all people, me and my awful Red heart, acting like Cupid hirself and defending this entire topic with all my might and yet I'm such a stupid hypocrite, aren't I? I'm a tangle of paradoxes. Queer transgender Catholic. Fictoromantic asexual cardiophile. Obsessed with sensuality but grossed out by physical bodies in general. I mean for God's sake my daengel is Infinitii, I can sputter out all the fumbling alibis I want but ze is the damning evidence, the judge's hammer personified.
...Yesterday night, I clicked on hir Spotify playlist.

(continue)

...

We got a text from our new therapist around 6:30, which was good because we were getting so emotionally distressed that we needed a break from typing this. Unfortunately she sent us a "Depression Inventory" to fill out, haha. We're not touching it until tomorrow when we can answer it in earnest with a clearer head. Right now everything would be skewed from being so mentally disheveled.
But yeah, we ACTUALLY have our intake appointment tomorrow at 1pm! Thank GOD; our CPTSD symptoms have been getting pretty bad post-inpatient and have been spiking lately with all the family overwhelm and online triggers. I think it'll be a video appointment; I don't think we'll have a car until Sunday (and we have to go shopping then anyway, as much as we hate to on a Sunday; we'll have to put Larnelle Harris on loop while we drive). But the new therapist is actually only a few minutes away from our apartment! So that's awesome. I'll have to check if there's a local bus that goes that way, maybe we can schedule around that? We'll see.

We spent a little while filling out the "new patient data" and skimming through the legal jargon; we're very familiar with it but it still needs to be reviewed and signed before we can become a legit patient. HOWEVER. This is the first time we've been asked for our gender and pronouns on a form. Remembering how disturbing it was to "wake up" as a System DURING INPATIENT-- AGAIN-- and to realize that whoever had been driving prior was presenting us as the birth default, which literally does not apply when we're PLURAL in any case. So, seeing it on this paper, we recognized that we had to be completely honest about it. Pronouns are they/them of course, but "gender?" How do we state that? Yes, it varies in-System, but the System as a whole isn't fronting as a whole during therapy. That's gonna ideally be the Core. But... they're not binary, and they're not actually "nonbinary" either, since-- as Catholics-- we DO recognize that male/female dichotomy as a legit split and that is apparent in the System, even with folks who are ACTUALLY "nonbinary" in that they are nonhuman and sexless. Typically people still choose one set of binary pronouns, and see that pink-blue complement as a sliding scale, almost? Like, look at Laurie. "She" is OBVIOUSLY not "female." She's not a "girl." BUT she's also not a "boy". Literally Laurie is "neuter," as all Nousfoni are, with the VERY rare function-based exceptions of Julie and Infinitii. Nevertheless, our System still recognizes "masculine" and "feminine" as valid descriptors... BUT IN AN ANDROGYNOUS FASHION. And THAT is what hit hard, thinking about our "body gender" today. Laurie uses "female" pronouns, but in the System, "femininity" is ONLY safe if it's "MASCULINE." Likewise, Knife uses "male" pronouns, but "masculinity" is ONLY safe if it's "FEMININE." Literally both binaries paradoxically merge the binary into a united harmony? While still being "independent" qualities? It's kinda beautiful really and yes we CAN have "feminine girls" and "masculine guys" but they historically tend to be abusive or corrupt. Child Nousfoni don't really adhere to this at all, because their presentations are almost always wrecked by trauma. Not only that, but "male/female" behavior characteristics really don't appear until the teenage years, so to speak. Before that, it's straight-up androgyny. And THAT'S what we really present as, physically. We NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE. We DO get dysphoria-- we look in the mirror and to this day the body looks wrong and feels foreign and we are always taken by surprise in that respect, negatively so-- BUT it goes for BOTH BINARY CHARACTERISTICS. We don't want ANY reproductive organs, which is priority, so for years we thought we were "neutrois" or "agender"... but then we realized we felt comfortable with facial hair and a more "masculine" presentation. BUT even as we lived "as a guy," we didn't want to BE a male? Not the way the world saw males, at least. We didn't want to "be in that group," or associate with that label. But we ALSO DID NOT EVER WANT TO BE CONSIDERED A GIRL, even moreso than a boy. Furthermore, the "adulthood" thing feels wrong in BOTH ways, possibly due to trauma, UNLESS we're a DAD. THEN we can be a "man." Our personal identity on the masculine side is hilariously weird-- either we're an anime protagonist dude, or we're a videogame single father, haha. Those are the tropes that fit! As for our "feminine" side, there's... not one? Which is BIZARRE. We do have "feminine traits" and yeah we were trying on dresses the other day, but we must always add that "boyish" edge or it feels COMPLETELY WRONG. We cannot have long hair, or makeup, or too much jewelry, because the instant we "step over the androgyne line" we're NOT OURSELF.
So... that seems to be the gender term for us to use, to communicate this properly. "Androgynous." A mixture of male and female, WITHOUT BEING EITHER. It's a "third gender," that doesn't reject the other two. We'll "wear" this term for a while and see how other people respond to and perceive it, to make sure it's giving the correct impression, even if they don't know we're a System-- probably especially so. In any case, that's what we put on the intake form. "Androgyne, they/them." So that was a little milestone.

It was getting late around that time, and we needed to eat at 8:30 at the latest, so we put in a solid effort to exercise around 7:45. We got 35 minutes in, but again we had to put the resistance on 4 and go slow because we're still nauseous and we KEEP getting palpitations when we exert ourselves at all? The edema in our legs is back, too, as of last night, which we haven't had since inpatient. What the heck is up with all this? It hit so suddenly and won't go away. The "malaise" is awful. Did we catch COVID again and not realize it, what with all the running around we've been doing with mom while in such a stressed-out state? God only knows, but I hope it's not that serious. We'll see, I guess.
...Actually hold up, our bloodwork results from this morning just came in. Our CMP is ACTUALLY NORMAL across the board, which I don't think has happened in YEARS. However our CBC shows that our WBC (white blood cells) are still in the low zone, BUT now our HCT (red blood cells) are really high? Which is NEW. Hopefully it's just dehydration, and not heart trouble. At least this explains the headaches, dizziness, & fatigue, apparently. At least our platelets are completely average; platelet disorders run in our family. I'm just hoping that this white/red imbalance (how ironic) isn't... well, cancer. That runs in our family, too. But... our grandmother suffered and died from it, so if we had to, too... it would be a weirdly bittersweet sort of recompense. Like we could share that, empathize with her, after the fact. I don't know. I'm worrying too much, getting too close to unearthing that unresolved and crushing guilt for her death. I can't handle that right now. Therapy is tomorrow. We'll see what the doctor says about the blood. Tonight we can't do anything about either, so put it in God's hands and let it go.

Anyway. Dinner was at 8:45, I think? No carrots this time, and a full bag of broccoli (we were craving it for some reason). Also, Xenophon reminded us that she wanted to try eating the "wiggly egg" on the english muffin we always have, so we did that-- and it was really nice actually? So we thanked her and shared it with her and we're definitely doing that for dinner from now on, haha.
We're also completely out of all all yogurt flavors except vanilla, which is our favorite so no complaints there. We had the last cherry one today and I still can't figure out if I "like" that fruit as more than a concept or not. Yes, it's red and glossy, but do we like the taste of it? No clue. No idea why our brain does that in any case, the whole "conceptual fondness" thing. It's interesting as much as it's frustrating, as it makes it very hard to form our "own opinions" because "preferences" don't really exist in that "obligatory" context. We're trying to work on it, but it's all experimental, so to speak. So we'll have to try another cherry one when we do a grocery run.
Oh. That reminds me. That dream I had yesterday morning... well, after that scene the dream did what dreams love to do and got a bit random. Apparently we had to "reintegrate Mimic back into society" and part of that process somehow involved teaching him to eat properly?? Which feels like a specific subconscious reference to our inpatient treatment & release. But, the only food the Restoration crew had on hand was yogurt. Like tons of bizarre flavors of it. Amusingly, Mimic was trying them all, as interestedly as if he had never eaten legit food before. I remember one of them was like... "Lingonberry & Brass." Yes as in the metal. Apparently this was his favorite one too, haha. Thinking about all this after I had this sudden mental image of Tangle asking Mimic "why are you eating all the yogurt" and his reply was just "no bones." Which is HILARIOUS, what the heck dude. So now, uh, when we go shopping I'm going to have to try lingonberry flavor. Just because.

Ah hold up I just remembered what else I had to tell you!
Xenophon (thankfully) pushed me to do MUSIC WRITING today. "Even just three notes, dad," she said. So I went on the League laptop (good ol' Scherzando) and started by finding all our old FL Studio files-- honestly the last time we were really prolific musically was from 2008-2015, with Abbey and that "temp laptop" that a Protector/Persecutor literally destroyed when they found out hackers were using it. We still mourn that loss-- it happened during the most productive creative phase we've had in YEARS, and... everything was gone in an instant. Days worth of art and music and writing, erased with one furious punch to the motherboard. Gone. Still, it was fitting penance; we were in the WORST state of our mind as well, simultaneously. We still refer to 2015 as the "hell year," even if we don't actively remember it. That's the reason it's missing from recall.
Anyway. We want to start again. So I found the old files, and moved them all into their League folders, but when I got to Imagirealm (Otherside) and FFN I forgot that their tunes had been moved into other Leagueworlds somewhat? So I stopped, and decided, "let's bring up ALL the FL filenames and check for location doubles." Surprisingly there were only like three; everything else had been correctly moved prior, apparently... and then there was this one file in a subfolder for Oneircia?? We FORGOT that when we almost scrapped "Immaculata" we dumped the "angel" file into Oneircia as a placeholder, and there was a tiny music loop saved in it. "handbells_2". Just a short thing, but it had such a cool vibe and I really liked how the handbell sound had been edited to sound "rounder" and more metallic. Wondering where to put it, I started adding some chords to the melody line, just for fun, and then thought "hm I wonder what to do for a bassline" and decided "let's go full-out grunge kicks" and tossed one in there. Well it sounds BOSS now. And I had to stick a limiter on it because that bass was peaking instantly, haha. But yeah, I spent like an hour just having fun with that. I miss that-- creating for the sake of creating, even just loops, because they're still beautiful sounds and they still enrich and express the Worlds they later are given to. I think we're going to keep this one in "Immaculata," because I don't want to scrap ANY Leagueworld, and this little tunebit-- which I'm calling "warrior angel" for now-- might be just the seed it needs to regrow into something real.
You know... it actually sounds like something I would have written back in college. It's got that same vibe. That means a lot to me, considering we thought that creative spark was lost after the trauma resurgence of the same time period. Apparently not, thanks be to God, because we just made something from that spark! 
Oh and when we exercise now I have ALL the Leaguetunes that exist on our phone now, so we can LISTEN to them again. And I FORGOT how much I legit LOVE the Flairousia OSTs!! Those are my "fun" projects; little transformation themes for each character that follow the same rough structure but NEED to match their personal "elemental" vibe. And they're SO FUN TO LISTEN TO. Gosh I need to jump back into writing THOSE, even if the series is under major rehaul right now. Don't care bro, I'm still gonna compose stuff for it. Heck, it might even help with the reconstruction! In any case, the music MUST still be relevant and it WILL be. So that's my next goal-- FINISH YVONNE'S TRANSFORMATION THEME FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, haha. It's the only one NOT complete from the first generation of kids. Then I can work on the other dozens of 'em, geez louise. *dean mccoppin pose* ART!
(OH and Neon Flames Phase Two STILL ROCKS. It's such a dynamic track.)
Lastly I just brought this topic up because exporting it as an mp3 was taking forever and it's probably done an hour later, haha. So let me go close that up and I'll come back here to the new laptop (good ol' Sophrosyne) and close this up so we can SLEEP for heavens sakes, it's 1am already and we NEED to get like nine hours in to make up for the past two nights. 


Sorry for the emotional whiplash AND obvious multiple authors in this entry but this screen's been open for hours.
It's good, though. We're being completely sincere with our life, moment to moment, with this daily journaling again. Recording the pain and sorrow as well as the love and joy... it's essential.
We'll be back here again tomorrow to do the same.