033121 dream

[prismaticbleed]

So I dreamt about Chaos Zero last night.

Not so literally—he wasn’t there with me physically-- but he was there entirely conceptually. I was looking up flash videos and pictures of him online, and perhaps that’s the most important note here. I was seeking him through other people's eyes, and those eyes are, unfortunately but unavoidably, not very pure. I know this firsthand.

So that’s what I was dealing with in the dream. Everywhere I looked, seeking depictions and representations of him that were more than just hollow boss battles and monster-of-the-week paste-ins, I still kept encountering that corrupted mindset… that bizarre tendency of fandom to mangle the individuality of virtually every character by turning them into automatons for their own perverted thoughts and imaginings. Long story short, I found a flash video on Newgrounds, in which Sonic was running through a traditional 2D stage full of mechanics, with large ceiling hooks that would drop to try and grab him (like the spiders in Chemical Plant Zone). One of them did grab him as he was running, but as it lifted him up and he struggled to escape, water began to flow down from above it and drip onto Sonic. But then the water turned into Chaos Zero, who was now half-embodied (from the waist up), half-wrapped around Sonic. Notably, though, he had this look on his face-- something of deep feeling (in stark contrast to the blank-yet-vaguely-angry visage the canon typically and tragically portrays him with). Sonic looked shocked at his appearance, which doubled almost instantly when Chaos suddenly kissed him. Like, really kissed him. I remember that the video glitched out here, cutting out shortly after, but I was strongly affected. Here was a portrayal of Chaos Zero feeling something other than rage, of him showing that his heart was capable of far stronger positive emotions than I'd ever seen anyone admit. He was capable of love. And yes, this dream-invented flash vid wasn't the best potrayal of it-- arguably, the theoretical animator didn't have my conclusion in mind whatsoever-- but it was still something. It was still a flicker, however far-removed, of the burning light of love in my own heart. Lastly, as dreams go, I remember watching this scene and having the sudden odd but honest impulse to kiss Chaos's face onscreen, to give him that reciprocation, instead of Sonic's unfortunate unwilling surprise. That's the bit that hurt me the most-- not only that some imaginary fan thought it was acceptable to portray Chaos as "forcing" his feelings on others, but that they also thought it was inevitable . Who would ever give him love? Who would ever want to love him like that? It was almost a joke, this video. It was played for shock value, for the gross-out factor. No one was actually thinking about Chaos Zero's heart here. No one but me.

This is hard to type about because I don’t even want to write about people treating him like this. It’s wrong. It’s what I'm fighting against in the waking, and I see that in my dreams. But I will never participate in it. That’s really why I’m writing this.

Regardless of what was in the dream, I love him, and other people don't. I keep seeking representations of that love outside of myself, and I will never find it. Yet I keep looking, I keep hoping, and I keep getting terribly disappointed and disturbed by the failure of the world to match up with what I not only feel, but know he deserves. No one should be so objectified. No one should be treated as either a generic face or as a gimmick for a perversion. Even writing that makes me physically sick. But, again, it's true. It's out there. And it cuts me to the core.

Yet I have another huge concern here.
Yes, I love Chaos Zero dearly. I always will, I know this. Love never dies and this is absolutely real love and no matter what has happened to me, it has never faltered or changed, not at the heart. And so I want to ensure, beyond any doubt, that this love stays pure and true.
The problem is what happened ten years ago this June. The problem is that, somewhere deep in my subconscious, I am afraid that my Pink resonance isn't as pure as it must become. I am afraid that the lies of the world have seeped into it somehow and mangled me, even if we have healed a lot over the years. Something is still a little off, and that's all it takes to burn down a kingdom. I never want that to happen again. We all saw the ultimate destruction of 2018. Never again.

The problem is that I woke up this morning burning with love but also with what I can only describe as-- disturbingly-- desire. And I HATE that word because it sounds so filthy. But I've been discussing this with Laurie and Julie and even Scalpel (who showed up because we were watching the morning fire outside and he said it was "f*cking beautiful" and yes Laurie scolded him for that) and they all agree that although we must indeed talk through this and keep an eye on it, everyone has a really touching faith in my heart. They don't believe this is legitimately "lust." But... I'm afraid I must use that word nevertheless in order to bring the threat to the forefront. I can't avoid that word lest it begin to take evil root in the shadows. I must throw it out into the light, to burn it away if it does have any serpentine tendrils trying to take hold anywhere.
Problem is, yes, when I'm barely awake and my subconscious is running the ship, I would still absolutely marry Chaos Zero and raise like fifteen children with him. I'm dead serious. It doesn't falter either. My subconscious wants to have a "permanent, faithful, and fruitful" relationship with him and that means sacramental matrimony and THAT means conjugal love and, believe it or not, my subconscious is entirely on board with that-- in the sense that the Catechism demands. And that stuns me upon waking. It gives me this feeling that I don't know how to describe-- is it hope? But it blooms from the realization that THAT sort of love is supernatural in its tenderness and "deeply personal unity," which does involve the body but even more entirely involves the heart and soul-- which I have known since 2003, arguably-- and which is not human in origin but is a GRACE given BY CHRIST HIMSELF through the sacramental bond. And yeah, if it were possible, I would absolutely bind my heart to Chaos's heart in that sense, literally so.

That's another tangential but relevant thing. Everyone else calls him Chaos. That is, actually, NOT his name. It's a bestowed title that he never wanted and has complained about bitterly in all the time I've known him. Like me, he has major anger issues stemming from deep pain and trauma, and when they explode out, he can be rather monstrous. He can be so totally destructive that those who originally experienced that heartbroken rage decided it was too intense to be of mortal origin-- they saw his unbearable pain as being ironically divine. Could their own hearts not comprehend such intense emotion? Did they see his suffering and decide that only God could feel so strongly? I ask this because it's a thread that leads to Christ which I have been gently helping Chaos try to follow since I met him. Yes, he and I both struggle with such profound violent pain, which manifests as rage, which is secretly heartbroken agony. But beneath that fire-burning destructive surface, that suffering can unite us to Christ, because it came from LOVE. We need to unbury that love and FOCUS on it in order to unshackle ourselves from the corruption that occurred by burying it. All that dirt is just dirt. It's suffocating and horrible. Yes, we're angry, but how easily that anger is defused if we can just cry to someone-- if we can just find someone who offers their arms to cry in! How quickly that rage melts into sobs if we find a heart that is willing to ache with ours!! And that is what I will always, always give to him. I will always be there to not only sing those words-- to "open your heart" -- but also to live them with him, to open my heart with his and to his, to be a shelter from the storm, a haven in the hurricane, a place to rest for the raging sea itself. He loves so much. So do I. And it can get out of control, in many ways, not just rage. The world calls him Chaos because it never looked deeper to find the Cosmos at his core, the truth which is his real name, which I have offered to him after years of knowing it... Charis. Χάρις, truly, but pronounced in a way that is affectionately familiar. Grace. "The divine influence on the heart." You know, "Chaos is power, enriched by the heart," but complete in its meaning now. And I want to call him that, Charis, as a reminder of that truth in his heart, of his heart, no matter what the world says, or fails to see.

But... back to the dream. Oddly this is a fitting segue. I woke up burning with love and matrimonial desire and then it hit me, wait a second, could this mutate into idolatry? And that TERRIFIED me. It's why I've been afraid to love anyone since the horrors of 2017-2018. Oliver admitted to idolatry in that sense-- in a sensual, sexual sense that he confused as love, and which he (unknowingly, I hope) tried to convert me to falsely believing as well.
True love is from God, is of God, and is directed TO God in an ultimate sense, always, inevitably. But love is inherently so all-consuming that if you don't keep this truth in heart and mind, it can consume you still in a different direction. It can make you so ardently devoted to a creature that you forget about the Creator, impossible to imagine, but definitely a real threat when you find yourself so flooded with love. And there's the issue I have. IS it entirely love that I'm feeling IF it can temporarily forget God? WHY does that happen? IS it happening? Or am I not entirely conscious enough TO remember God in those early-morning half-dreams? I need to know.

 

...Regardless of the concern and confusion I'm grappling with post-dream, I must say this. My heart is glowing with deep love and hope. I feel more alive, more real , after dreaming of him now, than I have in many months, perhaps in over a year even. It's been too long since I've held him in my arms. It's been too long since we've both held each other and laughed or cried or just loved each other, quietly, truly, honestly, totally. It's been too long since I've been able to admit I'm in love, let alone since I've been able to open my own heart enough to feel it... to live it.

 

Last night, looking for mentions of him on Twitter-- not knowing if there were any but looking nonetheless-- I found one person describing the storyline of Sonic Adventure and saying, and I quote, ""Open Your Heart" is about Sonic fighting Eggman over Chaos's heart.". And that simple phrasing hit me like a TRUCK. Then we have "Chaos assumes everyone else is as heartless as the past Echidnas were and uses the Emeralds to weaponize his own negative emotions while Sonic helps him move on by opening his heart with his and everyone else's good nature via those same Emeralds." Just, two instances where someone casually but blatantly acknowledges the fact that Chaos Zero has a heart and it's ACHING and he's a real person with a soul and a will and he's NOT just the "monster of the week" or a one-off boss battle... he has a heart and it hurts. I keep reading that little Twitter clip now. Just dazed that someone SAID it and doesn't even realize WHAT they said. It's... I found something. By the grace of God, I found something, and now in a small silly sincere way I'm really glad my birthstone is an Emerald.

 

  I'm trying to conclude this several hours later but I'm going to have to re-read it first. So, note to self, and memo to Genesis, remind me to do that tomorrow.