dream 101623

[prismaticbleed]

Quick typed update so i don't forget this, clean up later

Many dreams during night due to intense sickness and waking repeatedly

First: in city, Jay and Infi. Seeing jay from behind, his overtan skin and bright white hair clear. he and infi watching sunset or something? very bright and warm light. mind said clearly "jay is not a human he is a nousfoni"
then jay and infi being close, jay had a huge heart jewel? but like sailor moon style. infi bit-licked it and it triggered a HACK.
WE DIDN'T WAKE??? jay and infi were now confronted by a "disney zeus" looking figure? a priest. jay and infi confessed what they did. priest rebuked them for what happened. both contrite, admitted that such behavior was trouble, they should have known better. infi then PROMISED that they would "never lick anything again," they were visibly resolute, like a switch had been flipped

second dream
back in city?? on a main road. very brief. third person perspective, floating.
"self awareness" feeling anxious and tormented. thinking, "maybe i should get married so i can have sx?" bizarre thought. felt like they needed to be bound to someone in order to be close to anyone at all. but the thought of being afab and being near a man was so abhorrent they rejected it. self-image was longhaired btw. but this disgust shifted selfimage to ADULT MALE, almost like nier. imagined married to a woman, but still no attraction. "wife protector" feeling was all. still thinking, if i had to do this, could i? TRIGGERED A HACK. KNEW IT WAS IMPENDING AND WAS TERRIFIED. immediate thought, "oh wait, is THIS what sx is?? i don't want this at ALL, EVER." revealed that the drive was just for INTIMACY AND CONNECTION and had nothing to do with physical. miserable.
NOTABLY, RIGHT BEFORE THE HACK HIT, INFI SHOWED UP AND TRIED TO STOP IT. it failed, but infi STAYED to calm us down and console us, visibly distressed and brokenhearted, telling us why did you do that, you know that's not what you want, etc.

third dream
in a huge building, cross between apartments and asylum? strange. i remember lots of red carpeting. janitor girl in upstairs room, we told her to keep us secret or something? we were being looked for, running and trying to hide, even escape? i remmeber looking for a shower stall. also laundry room full of stuffed animals.
anyway at the end, we were hiding in a shower and a man looked in, we hid behind door, he looked almost right at us but left. we thought we were safe, but we ran down the hall to another shower room and suddenly the door was kicked open? matronly woman, "head of asylum" and two korean military soldiers, with masked faces and guns?? woman said, "you are under arrest because you are defending the buddha of the world"? i looked at her and said, "no, i'm not, i'm a christian." she paused, then replied, "then that's worse. you'll have to die." the two men immediately turned their guns on me and fired, BUT INFI SHOWED UP AGAIN!!!! AND CAUGHT THE BULLETS. like they sank into shadow. they freaked out and reloaded, but infi reached out and touched their guns, and there was some sort of change?? like they became "soft" or something; that's how my memory sees it. the men dropped the weapons and fumbled at their necks for suicide pills, but infi touched those too and said "no" very gently, and the pills dissolved into dust. the men were visibly at a loss but infi then touched them, softly reaching out to lay a hand on their arms, and the men changed now, their faces suddenly surprised and moved with emotion. the woman watching protested "what's going on" but infi reached out to her too, put a hand on her arm, and said "you too" or something?? i forget.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, i remember that when Infi stopped the bullets, but before any further action-- I exclaimed in protest, "hey, I could have been a martyr!" but infi immediately responded, with urgent compassion, "they can still become converts!" and THAT'S when ze touched the guns to stop them.
but man. i remember the look on hir face when ze said that. they were so tenderhearted, so anxious that these men were lost. the need was so evidently pressing in their eye, but not afraid, just imploring.
i got the distinct and powerful impression that, when infi touched the three people, the contact "opened their hearts to compassion" or something? like it was relational, it was a breaching of walls and a breaking of apathy, a sudden and direct "imposition of knowledge" concerning what it was to feel someone care. like a waking up of the soul. in that instant, their hearts suddenly felt what it meant to love at it completely destroyed all capacity to do violence or be an enemy.

so that's that. thank You God for giving me such important dreams, however difficult to endure.