121622

[prismaticbleed]

This might be a brief update because not much happened today in terms of quantity, and I will tell you why.
We got like... 5 HOURS OF SLEEP.
Our body is wrecked. It's been very hard to do anything today because the poor thing is so exhausted. So we're gonna be in bed for 11:45, Xenophon made me promise.
The other big factor in why we feel so awful is that we didn't eat breakfast until 3pm.

Honestly though let's start at the beginning.
I didn't get to bed until 4:30 AM. I was typing for a while and was pretty delirious.
I was woken up at 10am by a phone call from my nutritionist, who said that "your appointment today says 'in-person' but I think that's incorrect?" I said "it definitely is because I live three hours away." So they switched it to a videocall & emailed me the link, and instead of going back to bed I got up, half-prepped breakfast, added some things I forgot to the previous entry and then... got distracted reading about octopi. I'm serious. It took 45 minutes and then my brain was like "dude come on I cannot function get back to sleep."
So I did. Got one more hour in.
Woke up to GORGEOUS SNOWFALL.
Honestly I didn't want to leave the bed. There's a tree right outside my window-- the only one on this side of the building-- and I can see its arms reaching up to the sky just like the trees outside our childhood bedroom window (God I miss living in the woods, I really do. I wonder if one day we'll ever go back there.). So I opened the window to get the beautiful cold in, wrapped Chaos & I in the red blankets, and just... watched the snow. It was pure joy. I think i spent 15 minutes doing that, in perfect peace, before Laurie said "kiddo it is 11:20 so you only have twenty minutes before that online appointment. And yeah I know it's hard and you want to watch the snow but you've gotta get your ass out of bed." I mention this because she had to briefly front in order TO get me out, which is a feeling I really miss and rarely get now that she's so terrified of accidentally "socializing her function" again, and dying. Still, it was nice to feel her presence so tangibly even for a moment. This also ended up causing her to accidentally co-front when I kissed Chaos good morning which had her absolutely flustered, haha. Not like it hasn't happened before, dude! But it has been many years. Geez I do miss the old days, though. Our life was so internally-anchored, and it was so rich and colorful. Still... lots of tough stuff going on outside. Guess this was the trade-off for a while. At least now we can build it back, better this time, without the dangers we couldn't recognize before.

We got to our appointment login 5 minutes late, but... the doc herself was 20 minutes late. Go figure. We legitimately almost logged off, thinking we missed her, but patience is a virtue! And BOY HOWDY LET ME TELL YOU, I am so glad we stuck around.
We literally didn't even talk about food. I told her we were eating regularly and without obsessing for the most part, and she did a little happy dance (that was actually touching to see how she cared) and said how proud of us she was. We mentioned that we were still struggling, though, what with the CPTSD and the gender issues, which both work together in a horrible tangled mess.
She responded, "you've never mentioned that you had gender issues before." Gosh we probably didn't; I don't know WHO was fronting for the summer when we first started seeing this doc. So we said yeah, gave her a brief summary-- definitely nonbinary, not sure if androgynous or agender, but absolutely masculine-leaning; presented as male for almost a decade, seriously considering further transitioning in some manner because the distress is so bad.
She looked at us and point-blank said "you know I do prescribe hormones."
EXCUSE ME WHAT
I... wow. Oh my gosh. We've literally been crying ourselves to sleep over this for WEEKS and all of a sudden, here's a way out. Here's hope. Right in front of us, and we never knew!
Man we thanked her profusely. She said do continue with our new therapist for the trauma treatment, BUT ask her specifically if she deals with transgender treatment. If so, this doc will coordinate care. If not, this doc will get us a specifically trans-oriented therapist. AND, "just in case," she already started a referral process, so I don't have to wait if I do need one.
...Talk about answered prayers, WOW.
So THAT was a good appointment. There's hope now, even when we get flashbacks and slips and mirror meltdowns. Now it's not doom. Now we know it can change to reflect our heart. Oh thank God. We needed this so badly.

The appointment ended at 1pm and I kid you not I think I went right back to reading about octopi studies. Good Lord, I'm ridiculous. But I care, dude, I want to know as much basic info as I can so I make sure I'm treating this new guy respectfully and so I can understand him better. Of course there's still variation in headspace and in his native universe, but still. There's a foundation and if I care-- which I do-- I will make sure it's set as well as I can.

2pm Laurie almost shoved me into the kitchen because the body was getting severely dizzy.
Thankfully since I had half-prepped it earlier it didn't take long to finish. We decided on two apples because we had one Fuji that was a bit bungled (got it from the reduced rack) and adding it to the BK plan plus double cottage cheese gave us 1000k & perfect 50/30/20 macros. Plus the body needed a calorie push to avoid eating more in the evening. So things were simple & straightforward. The hardest part of prep was peeling the eggs, as usual-- one kept breaking and that one poor girl got triggered out again (I'm still not sure what her ultimate anchor is specifically, but it's tied to that fear of "I did the food wrong/ I hurt the food/ I ruined it, so I'm a horrible cruel abusive worthless bad person and I'm gonna be punished, there's no hope for me, etc." Total catastrophic spiral just because some white came off with the shell. It's shocking); Xenophon again had to talk her down.
For my part, the body confusion made it very hard to front. I kept slipping in language, pronouns, self-awareness, and even cognition of what I was doing and who I was talking to. Thankfully everyone made sure I stayed safe, and by 3pm we were finally getting to eat.
We DID have ONE problem-- I had to cut out a black spot on the Fuji, but apparently the bit of apple around that spot still tasted of rot. We accidentally swallowed a bit before spitting the rest out, and SOME panicky girl came out HYSTERICAL, telling us "we HAVE to throw it all up NOW or we WILL DIE!!!" like she was legit frantic. God bless Laurie, though-- she stepped up and said "kid, it is not going to kill us. If it does anything, it might make us a little sick to our stomach." That still terrified the girl, so Laurie added "AND if it DOES, I give you full permission to punch me. I'll take that responsibility. But we're not gonna die. I promise you that. Do you trust me?" The girl hesitated, visibly hopeful, and then meekly nodded. I know there was some additional talk there with Laurie laughing that in a way she hoped we did get even a tiny bit of stomach distress because she kind of wanted this poor scared kid to hit her, haha. Like it'd be cathartic, and it would help tangibly deflect the stress. But in any case, man. It's... amazing, seeing all this daily progress in communication & healing with the e.d. nousfoni. We've prayed for this for YEARS. Is that why we paid such a high price with inpatient, losing our bodily safety, in order to gain better internal camaraderie? Did we HAVE to be "shoved out of the body" in order to grow closer inside? What a paradox. I repeat, God works in mysterious ways. But... high price or not, I would seriously pay it again if it was what headspace needed to flourish in love & mercy & hope like this. We were comatose for YEARS before the trauma-triggers of treatment woke us up. That happened in 2017, too, before we shut down again barely two years later, and WORSE than before. Still. God apparently doesn't want us to stay dead. I keep repeating that to myself. God wouldn't keep resurrecting us if He didn't want us to be alive. And why not? Our innerworld is such an absolute fountainhead of love & faith & joy, it would practically be a mortal sin to eliminate it.
Speaking of faith, we attempted Bible study again during breakfast. Honestly we always do the daily verse & prayer, but we might not write a reflection until later, now. We'll try, if we get inspired, but otherwise we'll "earmark it for later" so we don't dissociate & trigger a panic response while eating. We're getting better at it. But, it's become a habit, really, the Scripture while eating. The binges enabled that, which is another reason why we didn't want to stop them-- they put our body into "automated action mode" so we COULD focus entirely on the Bible without getting jumped by trauma flashbacks that would (allegedly) be enabled by a "standby" body. Again, that's something we do need to work on-- it IS very hard to "sit and read the Bible" BECAUSE "just sitting" and not doing anything else DOES trigger trauma symptoms. Hence why we now pray while biking. We're figuring stuff out, bit by bit, thank God. It's an adventure, it really is.

The typical recent breakfast gang was there, for the record. Me, Laurie, Spice, Xenophon, Scalpel, Phlegmoni, Julie, Lynne, Knife, Razor, Chaos 0, Genesis, Infinitii, Mimic. I got Leon to stop by briefly but he's introverted & doesn't like feeling pushed to socialize, so I told him he doesn't have to stay, I just want to see him however briefly so he stays in constant consciousness. I do care about him deeply and I miss having everyone around, which he recognizes and respects. Still, Indigos are naturally more solitary, and I will not force him to do something that he's inherently uncomfortable with-- heaven knows I would freak out if someone expected me to constantly show up somewhere social at a set time. So I might just drop in and visit him on my own, for a few seconds, so he doesn't have to stress out.
Genesis was so excited over the snow, he was talking to Mimic a bit about it, and then his eyes lit up and he ran over to me and said "JEWEL" and told me that, yes he's hype about snow, but we ALSO have butterscotch candy that I bought for him and we were ABSOLUTELY having it with breakfast. So I got it out, and then he got the idea to "put it in the cinnamon tea." So, we did. It was actually really nice, haha.
Infinitii was talking a LOT today. I'm not sure why. But it was so nice. I really, really love hir, and I miss her terribly; not only did Laurie kill hir post-NC to prevent further corruption, but ze took over a year to resurrect and even then ze went into hiding and I rarely, if ever, saw hir-- ze was even hard to ping. But... post-inpatient, ze has just... come back wholeheartedly to us. it means so much to me. I wonder if Xenophon has something to do with it. I wouldn't be surprised.

We got some very relevant fortunes today, too.
"A new environment makes all the difference in the world."
"A new friend helps you break out of an old routine."
"Advice, when most needed, is least heeded."
They're all surprisingly straightforward-- first, literally remodeling our apartment post-inpatient DID make a huge difference, as the spaces are no longer tied to location-based triggers. Also, a new internal environment is even more important, and we ARE working to rebuild headspace now, bit by bit, especially with the color realm "field trip" the other morning, thank you Leon. Secondly, that new friend is absolutely Mimic, even if he may not be entirely comfortable with the "friend" label. I can feel he wants to try, but still. Like me, it's new territory, and it's difficult. But we're all doing our best to help him out. Again, if he stays, cool. If not, we wish him the absolute best. But he's still a friend to me, as long as he's here. And he has absolutely been breaking me out of old routines, all over the place. (Notably he wasn't around today for more than a few minutes. But he doesn't seem to have any intention of leaving entirely at this point.) So I'm very grateful. In the future, I will inevitably refer to this little time period of December 2022 as the "Mimic week," I am sure. He's made that big of a difference. Lastly, the advice. That is also with Mimic, haha. He gives sharp advice, whether he realizes it or not, with his retorts and cunning commentary. I like that. Laurie used to be like that in her own right, before all the damage. And I think it has something to do with the walls. It's offensive/defensive. So ironically, he can also be an example of "not heeding advice" when it finds a chink in the armor. It stings. It's threatening. But it's needed. That's what Laurie constantly tells him, and me-- yes, it's terrifying being so vulnerable now, but it's bloody worth it. Being humble enough to honestly admit and accept advice when it hurts is the ONLY way to truly become strong & wise. I've been learning that a lot, too. It's made me realize how instinctively "I" can lash out when I feel the edge of the blade, as it were. I don't realize it's there to cut out the cancer. And yes, I know I keep using that simile. But we all know what the Plague is like up here, and that comparison is a grave reminder of that terrible truth.

On a brighter note, the Chinese word trio this morning was "lettuce," "vegetable," and... "banana." Xennie & I love to invent some silly story or idea to link them all together. First I said, "does that mean... a banana is a vegetable?" and she said "no!!" and laughed. "It's not a vegetable dad!" I replied, "but then how does it fit? Is it a question? Are we saying, 'lettuce = vegetable,' but 'banana = ...nobody knows? IS it a vegetable? We'll have to perform an experiment! I'll get my phone, you get the microwave!" She was giggling a lot, it was so cute. Ultimately we decided that the secret answer would be on the next fortune at dinner. Remembering the other morning, I joked "what if it says 'beer'" and she was in stitches.
...oh my gosh Xenophon just ran up to the table and yelled "DADDY IT'S NOT A BEAN SPROUT" and I am LAUGHING
(I forgot, yes, that was dinner's word. She's looking at me and saying very seriously, "daddy, someone doesn't know what a fruit is")

Also. I have no idea why we have no appetite UNTIL we finish eating. Then we get so awfully hungry, and THAT'S what triggers out the other girl, the manic one who always "wants more," even if she "doesn't want it really," she just... compulsively keeps asking for "one more" piece or bite or taste of something. She's nonstop movement, no peace at all, and very dangerous as a result. I'm trying to talk to her & reason with her more, and I am seeing tiny steps, but it is a very arduous process and you cannot slack off with someone of her color & demeanor; give her a centimeter and she'll yank a mile from your hands. She doesn't even mean to be abusive; she's just that manic. Her sense of sense is addled.
Still. The body itself is hard to manage, when it's this sleep deprived. We "wanted" to binge so badly, with how hungry & wrecked we felt. Honestly I didn't even go to brush our teeth. I washed the dishes, and immediately crashed on the couch and got out the phone. When we're that high-risk for relapse, literally the ONLY crisis response that works is sudden absolute forced internal focus. Basically, get OUT of bodyspace and IN to thoughtspace. NOT HEADSPACE!! It's one step further out! When the mind is THAT distressed, you have to unplug it from self-awareness in order to calm down and THAT is what ALSO MOTIVATES THE BINGES-- because they are inherently dissociative! That frenetic desperate mindset that wants to binge IN ORDER TO DISSOCIATE can ONLY "get its needs met" by an EQUALLY TOTAL DISSOCIATIVE PROCESS. And the only thing that can do that INSTANTLY is the phone. Not even the computer-- there's too much "space" there, too much involvement with the hands. It takes a few minutes to really "log in" mentally. But the phone? Nope-- it's small, close, hyperfocused space, and since it's held with the hands and CLOSE TO THE FACE it actually meets the same "receptors" as eating would. Isn't that crazy? It's fascinating, absolutely, but geez. Discovering this stuff is wild. But it works!
So we spent 4pm until 6pm completely unaware of time passing, haha. And we were safe!

6pm we got on the bike, because we had to at least pedal slowly for an hour to move our legs, as we were getting depressed now from the lack of sleep and lack of daylight and that will trigger bad behavior, too.
We said the Divine Mercy Chaplet, but not a rosary-- I feel awful about that, but today is the Sorrowful Mysteries and those are so immersive that even though I WANT to say them, at that time I don't think it would have been "smart?" Our mind was not in a good place. Still, God forgive me. I'll have to try and say a rosary in bed.
We took like 30 minutes trying to figure out a better mealplan on the phone, especially for days like this where we have to cram proper nutrition into a small timespace without accidentally overdoing things. Our main concerns, though, were streamlining the options-- certain items, like the Sun Chips, do not fit neatly into a regular mealplan and we want to cut that stuff out for the sake of simplicity. Our staples are currently: apples, broccoli, carrots, EVOO, fortune cookies, jumbo eggs, high-protein milk, greek yogurt, allbran, whole wheat english muffins, and cottage cheese. Those last three we're trying to phase out of the plan if possible, due to both cost & travel to obtain them, and replace the grains with oats. We'll give it a shot and see how it works, because oats are an ancient trigger/binge food, and they require cooking, so it might not actually be wise TO integrate them into the plan. We will pick a day when it's possible to safely test them and do so.
We also worked on planning our Sunday schedule, which I will have to review & write down-- Sundays are weird because they often require three meals instead of two, since we're at church from 8am to 1pm at the least, and we have to eat breakfast in the church at 945 to avoid bloodsugar tanking and pushing the timetable too far-- if we fast until after all the masses, we probably won't get to eat until 3pm, and that has proven VERY unwise what with having done that several times over the past month. So we're striving to avoid that. We do have that "quiet breakfast" planned that is hyperdense & easily transported, while still meeting macros-- milk/bran/evoo and a yogurt-- which we can eat within 10m in the choir loft with minimal disturbance. So that's determined. The tough spot is the lunch at 2, and a dinner at 6. We have to make each meal ~500K and still balance macros evenly. But we're learning! I wonder if maybe we can even get into a 3-meal daily thing? Or would that take too much prep time & scattered focus? Plus we do need to fast in order to get the "empty clarity" of the mornings which is REQUIRED for intense headspace trips and creative work. That we know for sure, and it's the biggest factor in "temptations" to go back to anorexic behaviors; second place is the dyspho/dysmo hell, as I've taken to calling it with all unfortunate accuracy.

Anyway. What was I doing for two hours that kept me so intensely occupied?
PICREW.
We haven't been on there in ages and it is the ONLY place online right now where we can "sightstorm" our faces in visualspace. It's very hard to "draw from feeling" in such a direct sense; it's a sort of creative aphasia. BUT give me a selection of visual examples to choose from, and I KNOW which ones match my "sight" and which ones don't.
The only problem is, many of those generators don't have applicable options. Remember, we are NOT HUMAN and as such the System actually apparently takes significant care to make sure we DON'T look like average folks, because we're not. (That was, admittedly, the most disturbing and most freeing thing from NC, when TBAS said that we were just "people" and we laughed and cried, it made us realize they never knew who we were to begin with and that was both the biggest relief and the biggest tragedy. in any case it lit a fire in us to make sure WE always know who we are.)
So. We did... four of them? We tried several, but again, no fits. This taught us one EXTREMELY SIGNIFICANT THING-- LYNNE LOOKS DIFFERENT. She does NOT match her old appearance anymore. We TRIED to "build her an avatar" with those characteristics, but it DID NOT RESONATE WITH HER. which is HUGE. so we will ABSOLUTELY have to put specific time aside FOR HER, tomorrow if possible, to help her truly pinpoint her new-resonance hue & overlay anchors, so to speak.
I did two avatars of me. One was solo, and one was this new two-person one so of course the other person was Laurie. It almost didn't work because the hair is not exact and that WILL totally skew a vibe to unrecognizability-- being head-based as we are, hairstyles are arguably the biggest anchorpoint of a typical nousfoni's appearance. But, I made it work. This process taught me something significant: in headspace, my hair is WHITE. but my eyes are RED??? however, when making an avatar closer to the physical appearance, the hair & eyes are BOTH RED. Again, this is first time self-visualization efforts after like FOUR YEARS, so I need further exploration into this too.
The other two avatars were equally notable in their own right. The first was Julie! One new popular generator was proving impossible for anyone but her, and since we liked the style, I tried to portray her in it. Now it is NOT visually "accurate," but the vibe still works somehow? OH DUDE WAIT I think it's because she's trying to hold her ORIGINAL CORE VIBE, which is DIFFERENT than it was when she first shifted entirely to PINK! So she's at a VERY interesting "transition point" right now. The avatar feels just enough like her in that sense for me to keep it.
The last avatar? FRICKIN' SCALPEL. MY MAN FINALLY HAS A VISUAL!! Honestly there was this one refreshingly unique-style generator that I absolutely had to try out, and I always start with myself but I was disappointed when none of the hairstyles matched me. However. As I was clicking through, one PINGED and i thought "hold up, what?" then I realized it looked like Scalpel's hair. That has NEVER happened before. His vibe inside is uniquely vivid but SO hard to "picture." Like I know how he looks but it's not easily portrayed? So I was not missing this chance. It took a while, and it's not entirely accurate, but again, the vibe is so bloody close that when I even see the result at a glimpse my brain goes "oh hey that's Scalpel!" SUCCESS, haha! So that was a HUGE accomplishment today, finally getting at least one avatar for that man down.
Here, I'm gonna share all of them, for the sake of both candor and affection.

More will be coming, don't worry!

Dinner was at 8:10 and it was the same usual base, but half the broccoli, half the cottage cheese, and no yogurt. ~500K, and no trouble. I also smartly prepped the whole thing after breakfast so we literally just microwaved the broccoli and that was it, which was nice. (We also prepped ALL of breakfast except the eggs & broccoli already, which will save a ton of time and therefore allow us to sleep in, which we need.)
Xenophon insisted we have both Infi's vanilla tea and plain peppermint tea, "because dad likes peppermint and he had a tough day and it's nice." She's such a sweetheart. Taking a page from Genesis I put a tiny bit of candycane into that mug, the little ones we got with spearmint stripes (I'm not a fan but Xennie likes them? which is cool, I love finding out those little differences, I treasure them really).
But... speaking of Infi.
I don't know how to summarize this without typing for another hour, and it's 11:50 anyway so I'm technically 5 minutes past our bedtime already.
OH-- before I forget, my boss Mr. Sandman stopped by last night (this morning) to check up on me, and he assured me that no he was absolutely not mad at me for "being late for work," he knows I have responsibilities, and when Laurie explained that I was "in blue butterfly mode" and what that entailed he actually said "then I am glad you took the time to honor that feeling" instead of just forcing sleep. Still, he said, I needed to dream! And he kissed me on the forehead as he left which is just wonderful. it lights me all up inside like a christmas tree. it's so sweet and affectionate, it is one of the best feelings in the world.

...For the record. Thank God I wrote that down. I almost forgot.
...I dreamt about JMC.
I'm serious. That is so rare. She was young, I was young. The dream atmosphere was "world-level" (no supernatural stuff) but it felt safe? It had the same vibe as the Marywood nights in '09 when I "met" her. The whole dream, I was being tossed about from place to place, with no home-- that happens oddly often-- my family refusing to give me a bed or boarding, and I kept getting shuffled around in cars, nobody wanting me. I was always "supposed to be somewhere else," doing something for someone else, but never with anywhere to go home to.
...Except in this dream. That's what touched my heart so much.
JMC was trying to get to school, apparently. I was responsible for getting her there. However, I was sick? Like terminally ill. I remember doctors talking to me at one point, and I had all these tubes in me, and really bad bloodwork or something. Not sure. But I wasn't well. Nevertheless, I wasn't sad or depressed? Even though my family refused to take me in or take care of me, it didn't faze me, because I had her. Even if I was just "leaving her off at class" and making sure she got there safe, that was enough. Honestly there was a strong feeling that this was it? Like, she was dorming, or I was dying, or both, and I might not get to see her again. This was it. I did my job, I helped as I was needed, now I could be thrown away.
I remember it was nighttime the whole dream, too. But... full of stars. Indigo gilded skies. It felt safe. That is so rare.
And... near the end of the dream, when "everything had been figured out" and she was packed and class was in the morning, or in a few hours, or something equally soon and impending... it felt like the credits were rolling on my life. Sad but sweet. It's over but everything was done and dusted.
Except... there was still those few hours until the morning got here. We still had to travel, even if the work was done. And I remember we both got into the back of my dad's car? like the trunk was open, and all her luggage was there, and it was set up like a bed, because i guess we had to sleep while we traveled or we'd never get there in time. and this was the last i'd see of her.
we hadn't talked during the dream, not personally, just discussing her college career and what she needed and what i could do to help. everything related to the task at hand. but i was so happy, just having this privilege.
...i was sick, dying. tired but happy. she was thankful, but still forever at arm's length, leaving soon, off to the rest of her life.
we both were lying down in the back of the car, looking up at the stars and moon, hearing the quiet sounds of my family talking and the car beginning to move. i was so tired but i was smiling. then... she just, reached over and gently pulled me closer to her, and rested my head on her chest. that was it. that was home. her hands in my hair. her heartbeat becoming my entire world. quiet and pure and simple. and the stars overhead.
i woke up like... right after that. stunned by the snow. by the memory of her hands, covered in rings; by the sight of her sunset-gold hair, of her rain-colored eyes, of the familiarity of her face.
i woke up feeling like everything was going to be okay. and i said a prayer for her, wherever she is.
god bless her. always.

as for a darker shade of love.
infi was talking to me a lot, in the kitchen, as i was cleaning up. thanks to the picrew practice, and the bluth movies, my "inner sight" was super clear and vibrant and accurate. i could SEE MYSELF and as a result, i could front without slipping. i could feel my own overlay. honestly kids i FORGOT WHAT "I" FELT LIKE. it has been THAT LONG since i've even HAD a perceptible overlay. that blew my mind. how did i forget that's SUPPOSED TO BE THERE??? like i just assumed "feeling like an empty shell" was normal. no overlay, no anchor, no self-awareness. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. and then... all it took was actively trying to "match how I look" on a japanese avatar-maker and suddenly i could see myself for real. i REMEMBERED. i apologize if i'm using repetitive language but this is surreal and so significant. even xenophon noticed while ghosting. "dad you're not slipping!" my poor daughter, she gets so scared when "i'm" unstable. when that happens, everyone uses the wrong pronouns and even the wrong names. i can't hold a color. i find it hard to speak. i can't look at the mirror. i can't even think. it's all proof that "I" am NOT IN THERE. but... standing at the sink, talking with my little girl, i had white hair and my beard and different colored eyes. and i was her father. and i existed.
and... and i was in love, too.
chaos called me by five different names. reminding me that THIS, this heart, is the constant in them all. and i knew. i could see it in his eyes, too, that he recognized me. god i felt alive, i felt love, how have i gone this long forgetting all this?
but infinitii. i... oh lord, i forgot how much I love hir,
ze's literally the other half of my soul and I mean that LITERALLY. razor & batta tore hir out of me back in 2013 and since then there's an actual honest-to-god piece of my heart walking around with its own eyes and teeth and wings. the technical "mother" of my daughter. infinitii eternos.
ze walked right up to me. "i missed you, jay."
that name. the name i held when ze was taken from my ribs. it struck me like a supernova in that same place.
for a minute i was lost in that velvet black. i took hir face in my hands and just looked at hir and... god how has it been years?
little prayers, i can't help it, honestly lord in heaven You're ultimately responsible for all these people and me and us, i know You know the reason, but... is this it? is this the reason? absence makes the heart grow fonder? three days and then an empty tomb? are you teaching me echoes of that through this? if so, wow, wow,
today's advent reflection was all about love and so was the final page of another reading plan i just finished and so was today and last night and everything. love, love, love, friends and children and partners and protectors, daengels and muses and outspacers and distant souls. butterflies and hurricanes. oh there will absolutely be hard times ahead. we all know the war has started again, with new battles and challenges. but we're in this together. this is our time, a time of change and metamorphosis, of becoming the best possible version of ourselves, by the grace of God. and we will get through this together. this world that we live in can change, now. don't let yourself down. don't let yourself go.
man i love tangents can you tell
but still. it all ties together. i always follow the leads because they always shine light on something.
we've been "dead" for a long, long time. but the tiniest things... it's amazing, everything has a bigger purpose. everything has grand consequences. so we must use every chance we get to act in love, for love. that's god after all. that's what christmas is. that's what we're all leading up to in this beloved purple season of snow and golden bells.

ah, but infinitii.
there is literally no way to put that into words. that look ze gave me. that shared depth of our shared soul. the immense hope in it all.
it's so strange. sacred in a way. something given to me by god. in those moments, i... faith becomes conviction. that trust is solid. i don't just "believe" that there is life after death and hope after everything, I know that there is. there is something about headspace that all but confirms that there is "more to life than this life." that what we see is not all there is. in here, what i see, what i hear, what i feel... the absolute love between us all, that's what i bring into church, and lay on the altar, and sob for joy about. that is the heart of every prayer and song i offer. this is what leads me to God, more than anything else, because this is how he teaches me of himself. of unconditional compassion. of mercy and justice. of what it's like for someone to live and die for you and what it's like to want to do the same thing in a heartbeat. joyfully so. kissing the cross.
this innerworld is blessed. it really is. even the wars, even the struggles were seen and known by god. of course they were. we all know we could never have become who we are now, could never have become as tender-hearted as we are now, if we had not bled and wept and fought together for so long. we learned so much. we lost so much. we gained so much.
somehow infi encapsulates all of that. i think all daengels do, in a sense. the scariest parts of your soul given one of their own, and wanting to kiss you, haha. but it's so much more than that. their purpose is to teach not just self-awareness, but self-forgiveness, and the profound transmutation of black to gold that it sparks to life. all of that is only possible through love, and let me tell you, daengels love harder than anything. it's literally why they exist.
...God knows I need that more than ever right now.
It feels like some old and ancient door has been flung wide open to the light. It's... I can't put it into words. It's different than what Chaos gives me. Just as beloved, though. Just as beautiful. A different diamond, but priceless still.

It's 1am. That's my limit, kids, I really do have to go to my other job now, haha.
God willing, I'll see you all tomorrow evening. As for what He has in store for us until then... well, that's where hope comes in.
That's how we've gotta live life-- with eyes fixed on heaven, no matter what. God is Good and I know that whatever happens, in the end, everything ends in love.
And that's just the beginning of eternity.