"how we feel" january 26-31 2025
Jan. 31st, 2025 10:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed
2025 Sun Jan 26 12:33 AM
I'M FEELING = JUDGED & GUILTY
WHY = Eating disorder made me LIE AND STEAL.
Utterly crushed by guilt & shame.
How do I confess this to mom?
How do I STOP?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Mary,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Sun Jan 26 3:58 PM
I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & OKAY
WHY = Confessed to mom.
Going to try to get to church tomorrow.
More Scripture reading today. (Don't obsess over details yet; just read!)
Feeling a little bit like life is worth living.
Thank You God.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Sun Jan 26 6:16 PM
I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & ANXIOUS
WHY = Ate 1050K. Scared it's too much.
Ate ALL the carrots left over. No more until Thursday. That means no addiction risk, but also less carbs so possible hunger risk.
God why is eating such a WARZONE.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Cleaning
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2025 Sun Jan 26 9:23 PM
I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED
WHY = Started hallucinating from hunger so I BRAVELY ate some more broccoli AND a ginger candy.
Gotta discern what is ACTUAL righteous behavior because I don't think starving this body is actually promoting virtue.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Cleaning;Meal Planning
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2025 Sun Jan 26 11:49 PM
I'M FEELING = ALIENATED & CANCELLED
WHY = Reading Saint books and they're virtually all described as "pure and good."
I'm not.
I feel utterly unwanted and incompatible with the church.
But please remember Saint Dismas.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading
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2025 Mon Jan 27 4:01 AM
I'M FEELING = WORTHLESS & TOUCHED
WHY = Profoundly depressed & stressed to the point of emotional numbing. Feeling the weight of the ED as a destructive addiction. Crushed by shame.
Body feels sick & disgusting & foreign.
And yet, Chaos 0 and Laurie are still here. They don't hate me.
That means everything in the universe right now.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Trying To Sleep;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie
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2025 Mon Jan 27 10:47 AM
I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & HUMILIATED
WHY = Begging for food.
I had to. My body is collapsing.
I don't want to be a thief anymore.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Tumblr
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2025 Mon Jan 27 2:21 PM
I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & BLESSED
WHY = GOD BLESS ANNE C who gave us $35 to buy food today!
And our payee FINALLY got back to us with $50 for tomorrow!
This is ONLY AFTER RADICALLY SURRENDERING TO DIVINE PROVIDENCE.
God is good, ALL THE TIME
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up;Budgeting;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Mon Jan 27 6:43 PM
I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DETERMINED
WHY = Mental, physical, emotional exhaustion.
Just started Ephesians and GEEZ PAUL this is HEAVY STUFF! But I want to understand it so I must be patient and take time.
Rushing to ""get it all right now"" is what stresses me out.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Tue Jan 28 2:51 AM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & ALARMED
WHY = Glucose CRASHED HARD. In the freakin 40S.
Very scared. Our diet is NOT WORKING.
We NEED to start eating carbs again.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed
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2025 Tue Jan 28 1:17 PM
I'M FEELING = EMBARRASSED & TIRED
WHY = Slept in. Accidentally ignored Instacart guy. Ashamed that I'm even making such orders.
Spent a few minutes on Pokemon Pocket. That's wasting time too.
Don't want to eat.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Tue Jan 28 3:45 PM
I'M FEELING = ENJOYMENT & WISTFUL
WHY = Good music from FROST*... and spinningcannon.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising
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2025 Tue Jan 28 8:37 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & FURIOUS
WHY = WE WERE SO CLOSE TO BEING FREE TODAY
BUT IT'S THOSE DAMNED CARROTS
EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY TRIGGER A BINGE.
Dear God please let this be over FAST.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Wed Jan 29 1:52 AM
I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & HORRIFIED
WHY = Body absolutely wrecked.
Bingeing & purging is traumatic.
I want to cry. I'm so destroyed by this.
I want to stop. I hate this illness.
But the body is starving.
I put myself in this stupid hell.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed
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2025 Wed Jan 29 2:41 PM
I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & DETERMINED
WHY = We're going to make it through today.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Wed Jan 29 4:19 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & BURNED OUT
WHY = Waiting on mom's schedule. Terribly nervous.
Weak from hunger assumedly but no appetite.
Going to buy carrots like a fool.
CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Shopping;Going To Mom's House
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2025 Wed Jan 29 6:25 PM
I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & LOVED
WHY = Matthew 18:12.
Clips of The Chosen making Jesus's love truly tangible.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Wed Jan 29 10:19 PM
I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & HELPLESS
WHY = 7PM BREAKFAST DOES IT EVERY DAMN TIME
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Thu Jan 30 12:45 PM
I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & DESPAIR
WHY = Hack nightmares.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up
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2025 Thu Jan 30 2:45 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & SAD
WHY = I just feel so hopeless about life.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising
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2025 Thu Jan 30 3:28 PM
I'M FEELING = REINVIGORATED & EMPOWERED
WHY = Jay & Jewel!!
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising
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2025 Thu Jan 30 5:48 PM
I'M FEELING = MOVED & HOPEFUL
WHY = Beautiful reassurance in Ephesians.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Thu Jan 30 8:11 PM
I'M FEELING = PANICKED & DISGUSTED
WHY = Day 5 of hell.
Worst streak in months.
Why?
God i am so scared. I am FORCING myself through torture.
Please. Please free me.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Fri Jan 31 12:08 AM
I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & BURNED OUT
WHY = I can't do life anymore.
Just... eating, sleeping, it's too much. I can't figure it out. I'm so tired.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Meal Planning
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2025 Fri Jan 31 8:03 AM
I'M FEELING = LETDOWN & NEGLECTED
WHY = It didn't snow. It's too bloody warm out.
I'm so afraid that winter is over and I missed it.
Nightmares all night again.
I just want to sleep and sob.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed
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2025 Fri Jan 31 12:56 PM
I'M FEELING = RUSHED & APPREHENSIVE
WHY = Going to haircut with mom.
Gotta exercise first.
Scared of eating later.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Mom's House;Getting Ready For The Day
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2025 Fri Jan 31 1:05 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & FROZEN
WHY = OCD contamination panic.
Stupidly put garbage EVOO in food. I'm convinced it's poisoned.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Meal Planning
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2025 Fri Jan 31 7:23 PM
I'M FEELING = RESIGNED & TERRIFIED
WHY = Another 7pm breakfast.
Another abusive meltdown.
God please don't let me die tonight.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
