"how we feel" april 16-30 2025
Apr. 30th, 2025 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed2025 Wed Apr 16 12:56 PM
I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & ABUSED
WHY = I am so sick of this eating disorder and how it's so often triggered by FAMILY.
That's a demonic trick.
I want this week to be HOLY and yet it feels like my family is against that. That's a lie.
But every single time I interact with them, I turn into a sniveling selfish scumbag. Every time.
What's wrong with ME?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Praying
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Thu Apr 17 4:39 PM
I'M FEELING = RUSHED & MOVED
WHY = Holy Thursday.
Scripture is profound.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Fri Apr 18 12:38 PM
I'M FEELING = SOLEMN & MOVED
WHY = Good Friday.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Reading Scripture;Praying
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Fri Apr 18 8:51 PM
I'M FEELING = HEARTBROKEN & MISERABLE
WHY = I failed.
CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Commuting,Driving;Sick
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sat Apr 19 2:22 PM
I'M FEELING = LOVED & BLISSFUL
WHY = Holy Saturday.
Absolutely beautiful blessed morning.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Resting;Reading Scripture;With The System
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sat Apr 19 5:50 PM
I'M FEELING = EXCITED & RUSHED
WHY = Two hours until the Vigil Mass!! ♡♡♡
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Getting Ready For Church
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sat Apr 19 7:42 PM
I'M FEELING = OVERJOYED & ENTHUSIASTIC
WHY = VIGIL MASS!!!!
CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sat Apr 19 11:13 PM
I'M FEELING = WHOLE & PEACEFUL
WHY = Just got home from the Easter Vigil.
God got us to it, like we prayed for.
Glory to Him forever.
I feel so deeply happy. It's been months.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Talking To Central;Going To Bed
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sun Apr 20 7:23 AM
I'M FEELING = JOYFUL
CONTEXT TAGS = At Church
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sun Apr 20 12:10 PM
I'M FEELING = EXHILARATED & ALIVE
WHY = THREE EASTER MASSES!!
CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Mon Apr 21 2:20 PM
I'M FEELING = CANCELLED & HOPEFUL
WHY = Still crushed from yesterday's sins.
But Jesus was there in the Adoration chapel.
Against all possible odds, there is still-- staggeringly-- undying Hope.
And that Hope loves me.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen,Praying;Getting Ready To Eat
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Tue Apr 22 11:44 AM
I'M FEELING = WORTHLESS & AVOIDANT
WHY = Another hollow recovery morning.
Tumblr after Lent. Already I hate it again. Spotify too.
Everything that's not about God is worthless.
I'm so miserable.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Listening To Music;Just Woke Up;Tumblr
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Tue Apr 22 4:50 PM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & AGITATED
WHY = Bad phone calls.
Bad noises outside.
Bad heat.
So scared of disordered behavior happening as a result.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Cleaning;OCD Rituals
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Tue Apr 22 6:49 PM
I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & DISGUSTED
WHY = Gave in to disordered behavior BEFORE even trying to wait it out. Now I've doomed myself to suffer.
CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior;Reading Scripture
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 23 1:18 PM
I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & WEARY
WHY = So many prayers to say.
Still have to eat and I hate it.
Full of weeping rage.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 23 4:29 PM
I'M FEELING = WISTFUL & TRIGGERED
WHY = Mom phone call shook me up bad.
OCD hit hard to compensate.
Can't stop datalogging commentary, which is stressing me out & preventing focus.
But the spring air smells like childhood. There's a note of real peace in it. Thank You God.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Reading Scripture;OCD Rituals
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 23 5:30 PM
I'M FEELING = STRESSED & HELPLESS
WHY = Cannot relax. Too much mental effort. Too much noise outside.
Starting to smell like summer evening = TERROR
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Thu Apr 24 3:00 PM
I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & ANGUISHED
WHY = Cannot get trauma feelings out of my body.
Cannot stop weeping rage + panicking about family stress.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat;Trauma Ruminating
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Thu Apr 24 7:39 PM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DREAD
WHY = Mom interrupted breakfast and postponed it Two Hours. Bingepurge inevitable.
Panicked, sick, scared, resigned. Terrified.
So so so sad.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family;In Public;In The Store,Home;Commuting;Mom's House;Shopping;Kitchen,Talking To Mom;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Shopping;Sick;At Mom's House;Family Stress
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Fri Apr 25 4:28 PM
I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS & DISTRACTED
WHY = Finally eating. But we have to switch cars later.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Reading Scripture;Waiting For Mom
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Fri Apr 25 7:56 PM
I'M FEELING = DESPAIR & DISGUSTED
CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sat Apr 26 1:27 PM
I'M FEELING = AGITATED & HUMILIATED
WHY = Church anxiety. Need to go to confession. Need new clothes for spring.
Guilt & disgust over eating. But I have to.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Getting Ready For Church
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sat Apr 26 5:58 PM
I'M FEELING = ALIVE & MOVED
WHY = Just... feeling so grateful for this little town and its people, and my own little life.
The simple beauty is so overwhelming, so overflowing.
This is what life is supposed to be like.
This is hope.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public;Praying To Jesus;Parish Community,Home;Commuting;Church,Driving;At Church;Looking At The World
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Sun Apr 27 8:47 PM
I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & TRAPPED
CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Mon Apr 28 12:50 PM
I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & WORTHLESS
WHY = I just want to serve God.
I'm so tired of having possessions.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Busywork;Cleaning;Day Scheduling;Waiting For Maintenance
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Mon Apr 28 2:50 PM
I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & STRESSED
WHY = Trying to clean out all these possessions.
Albatrosses.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Cleaning;Getting Ready To Eat
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Mon Apr 28 8:43 PM
I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & OKAY
WHY = SCRAPING THE CEILING
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Mom's House,Cleaning;Helping Mom At The House
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Tue Apr 29 6:39 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & DETERMINED
WHY = Bingepurge due to 6pm breakfast, hack nightmares and broken sleep, and extremely stressful day.
But God is with me to deliver me even now.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior;Reading Scripture;Praying
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 30 11:00 AM
I'M FEELING = ANGRY & EXCLUDED
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 30 2:01 PM
I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & TROUBLED
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Journaling;Praying;Getting Ready To Eat
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 30 4:41 PM
I'M FEELING = AGITATED & HELPLESS
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals
-------------------------------------------------------------
2025 Wed Apr 30 8:00 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & NUMB
WHY = Literally scared to death.
Hunger won out.
We have no electrolytes left.
We have no money left.
We have no extra food.
God we need to go back to the hospital, we are Literally dying from this.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
