"how we feel" december 22-31 2024
Dec. 31st, 2024 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed2024 Sun Dec 22 2:05 AM
I'M FEELING = CHILL & LOVING
WHY = Finished the movies.
Brutally tired but genuinely happy.
Lots of casual sincere kisses with CZ the whole time.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Watching A Movie
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2024 Sun Dec 22 10:27 AM
I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & DETERMINED
WHY = Decided NOT to eat yogurt today, to avoid ALL nausea triggers.
Also heavenbent on getting to Mass for 1130 despite frigid temperatures. Gotta COMMIT boy!!
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Talking To Central;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church
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2024 Sun Dec 22 1:13 PM
I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT & SUPPORTED
WHY = We're doing life TOGETHER!
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning
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2024 Sun Dec 22 4:36 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & ANGRY
WHY = Already ate too much.
Mom is picking us up to do MORE BLOODY BAKING
Tonight is going to be utterly terrifying.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home,Eating;Talking To Mom;Cooking
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2024 Sun Dec 22 7:20 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGRY
WHY = Mom canceled plans, complaining and griping about the holiday stress she herself was creating.
Ironically I immediately began to selfabuse.
Yogurt and bread is horrific.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Mon Dec 23 12:16 AM
I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & CRUSHED
WHY = Stupid television shows infecting my brain
What the hell do I even expect it's all GARBAGE
meanwhile I'm dying inside and I miss who I used to be before everything went to helL
except it's always been a terror of a life
God I just want tomorrow to be beautiful
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation
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2024 Mon Dec 23 9:37 AM
I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & INDIGNANT
WHY = Anniversary today. ♡
SO OF COURSE there was spiritual warfare nightmares with hacks.
Not going to let it touch this.
I refuse to let hatred win like it used to.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up
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2024 Mon Dec 23 2:36 PM
I'M FEELING = PRESSURED & FRUSTRATED
WHY = Mom is insisting we come up the house to bake and clean.
We can't say no. We have to be kind & helpful.
We HAVE to be SACRIFICIAL as a Christian.
God help us not to kill ourself in the process.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Talking To Mom
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2024 Mon Dec 23 3:42 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & RESIGNED
WHY = Going up mom's house for the next several hours.
Typical post-lunch panic hitting like a blood fever.
God I'm so scared.
Chaos 0 forgive me I'm such a damn mess.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Going To Mom's House
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2024 Tue Dec 24 1:08 AM
I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & TERRIFIED
WHY = going to die
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Tue Dec 24 1:38 PM
I'M FEELING = BEREFT & APPREHENSIVE
WHY = Christmas Eve.
Doesn't feel like Christmas.
Abusive nightmares.
Have to go to mom's house.
Have to wear a dress.
Meal terror.
Transportation undetermined.
God i just want JOY today, help us find it.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Getting Ready For Church;Going To Mom's House,
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2024 Tue Dec 24 11:26 PM
I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR
WHY = can't go to midnight mass
why even bother living anymore?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Wed Dec 25 10:40 AM
I'M FEELING = WEARY & LOVED
WHY = Made it to church.
Survived the night.
Not thinking about this evening.
Just spending time with the System I love so much.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Home;Headspace,Going To Bed
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2024 Wed Dec 25 2:08 PM
I'M FEELING = DESPAIR & DEAD INSIDE
WHY = I give up.
God I'm going to end up dead before You heal me.
What the heck are You waiting for
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Wed Dec 25 4:41 PM
I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & BURNT OUT
WHY = Told mom about last night's suicide attempt.
Cannot come up here anymore
CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Talking To Mom
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2024 Wed Dec 25 7:49 PM
I'M FEELING = ELATED & LOVED
WHY = KLONOA VINYL CHRISTMAS!!!!
THANK YOU BRO YOU'RE AWESOME
CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Opening Gifts
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2024 Thu Dec 26 12:45 AM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & ABANDONED
WHY = hunger binge.
literally no food left for the weekend
feeling scared & alone.
time to fast i guess
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Thu Dec 26 8:59 AM
I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & RESIGNED
WHY = God will get me through the Zarephath days.
In any case we have at least 3 DAYS ALONE at last. So we can REST & LIVE AGAIN.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up
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2024 Thu Dec 26 12:58 PM
I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED & TROUBLED
WHY = Doing everything we can to make it until Monday.
Gotta pray & BELIEVE most of all.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Meal Planning
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2024 Thu Dec 26 5:46 PM
I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & HURTING
WHY = I miss everyone so much.
Icon makers are a poor and stupid stand-in.
Go BE WITH THEM-- no, with US.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Picrew
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2024 Fri Dec 27 1:53 PM
I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & RELIEVED
WHY = OUR CASE MANAGER IS TAKING US GROCERY SHOPPING
THANK THE GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY!!!
TRUSTING SURRENDER REALLY DOES PAY OFF
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Cleaning
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2024 Fri Dec 27 7:02 PM
I'M FEELING = ABUSED & HEARD
WHY = Bulimia trauma processing.
Genesis firmly yet heartbrokenly helping the Socials be more self-aware.
Scared & sad but not hopeless.
We can end this. We can be okay tomorrow.
Maybe even tonight.
CONTEXT TAGS = Social Subsystem,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Talking To Genesis
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2024 Fri Dec 27 11:52 PM
I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & INDIGNANT
WHY = Another bloody day lost to this damned eating disorder.
And today PROVED that it's ALL TRAUMA SHIT.
It's either people-pleasing compulsions, or reliving flashbacks in real-time.
I also strongly suspect that the E.D. is an outlet for VIOLENT RAGE, which is why most of the behaviors are literally just DESTRUCTION.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Recovering
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2024 Sat Dec 28 4:28 AM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & DISTRESSED
WHY = Body still can't breathe or sleep after 5 hours.
911 on speed dial.
God please help us
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Couch,Recovering;Trying To Sleep
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2024 Sat Dec 28 11:32 AM
I'M FEELING = CONFUSED & LOVESICK
WHY = Weird dreams. Half trauma, half hope.
Still in love though. No hatred. Just confused.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Couch,Just Woke Up
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2024 Sat Dec 28 12:46 PM
I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED
WHY = Eating is terrifying. But we have to do it.
We have to be strong, together.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating
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2024 Sat Dec 28 1:41 PM
I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & INSPIRED
WHY = Talking to Anxi & Laurie about struggles lately.
Feeling real love sparking back to life beneath all the fear & depression.
Moved & determined to FIGHT FOR IT.
REFLECT = "Feeling a sense of love and determination amidst fear and depression can be very powerful. What do you think has helped bring about this shift in perspective for you?"
REPLY = Anxi, Laurie, & Chaos 0. The whole System, really, but especially them, & how much I do & always have & always WILL love them. I want to live FOR that, for THEM-- and it's REAL, more real than any fears or drugs. Thanks be to God for redirecting me TO this through Scripture.
INSIGHT = "Living for the deep love and connection with others can provide a powerful anchor in challenging times, reminding that this love is often more real than fears or external distractions."
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike;Cleanup Room,Talking To Central;Exercising;Cleaning;Talking To Anxi
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2024 Sat Dec 28 6:15 PM
I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & SUPPORTED
WHY = Dinner is always a threat & we're already late. OCD symptoms are really bad too.
But we're together. We can get through this okay.
God be with us & strengthen us with grace.
REFLECT = "Navigating dinner in such a challenging context can be overwhelming. How does feeling supported influence your ability to cope with the apprehension you're experiencing?"
REPLY = I always fail alone. When I'm actively talking with & aware of the System, I'm conscious & grounded, with their warnings & input to help me when I'm lost & scared.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating
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2024 Sat Dec 28 10:23 PM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DEFEATED
WHY = Chocolate hell. Big mistake.
Literally no food left in the house after tomorrow either.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Sat Dec 28 11:24 PM
I'M FEELING = AFRAID & ASHAMED
WHY = Body so sick from abuse.
Legit afraid we might have to dial 911 tonight.
Lord why can't we stop?
Is it malnutrition?
Is it trauma?
Is it mental burnout?
Is it emotional starvation?
Please, please help us or we're GOING TO DIE.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cleaning
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2024 Sun Dec 29 1:23 PM
I'M FEELING = FOOLISH & DETERMINED
WHY = Missed Mass this morning because we were so bloody exhausted. Also super late for breakfast.
NEVERTHELESS going to do our best under the circumstances.
It's a foggy misty day outside so it both looks & smells BEAUTIFUL and we're gonna roll with it.
God be with us always!
REFLECT = "There's a strong sense of resilience in your words. How does immersing in the beauty of the day contribute to your feeling of determination?"
REPLY = It reminds me that there is a Goodness greater than any & all my momentary troubles & struggles-- because they ARE fleeting, in light of eternity, which is God, Who IS Beauty & Love. Recognizing His work around me grounds me in Truth & gives me that grace of courage to keep going.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Acquaintances
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2024 Sun Dec 29 3:11 PM
I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & ACCOMPLISHED
WHY = Body doesn't want food but emotions do. Fighting the destructive + devouring impulse to binge.
Need to feel this out & TYPE it out.
Gonna vacuum first though so we don't panic over how much pain the body is unexpectedly in.
REFLECT = "Juggling feelings of dysregulation with a sense of accomplishment can be complex. How does taking some time to clean and organize your space influence your current emotional state?"
REPLY = Reducing clutter & bringing order to chaos (♡) externally helps jumpstart that effect internally. The busywork also helps regulate emotions by taking the focus off of their volume & redirecting it to good hard work.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning
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2024 Sun Dec 29 6:04 PM
I'M FEELING = ENGROSSED & PRODUCTIVE
WHY = FINALLY GETTING WORK DONE!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Archiving
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2024 Sun Dec 29 8:52 PM
I'M FEELING = COMPETENT & INDECISIVE
WHY = Found AT LEAST $20 of returns, so we can buy the food we need!
Still unsure on hemp prices though. Is it cheaper online? We'll find out. It's all we can do.
We MIGHT have to go keto for a week. Heck, it might even fix the stupid binge compulsion. It's so strong. What are we hungry for?
Looking forward to more typing & exercise in any case.
The air outside still smells like mist. It's beautiful.
The night drive is going to be heavenly.
REFLECT = "It sounds like there are mixed feelings of both accomplishment and uncertainty today. What helps you feel confident when faced with indecision around meal planning or budgeting?"
REPLY = I KNOW that I CAN make the wisest decisions. The only obstacle is fighting the "fomo emotion mind." It's SO SCARED of "not having enough" Bro we will MAKE it be enough; have some faith in our resilience & tenacity! By the grace of God we WILL DEAL WITH IT.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Meal Planning;Budgeting
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2024 Mon Dec 30 12:28 AM
I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & OKAY
WHY = So tired. Mom's schedule is insane. Only getting 4 hours of sleep again.
But tomorrow we're finally donating our books & shoes & clothes. We're hitting the food drives hopefully. We're getting groceries at last. And yes it will burn us out but we're still blessed with these opportunities. Gotta look on the bright side.
...such as PRECIOUS BLOOD AT MASS TOMORROW
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cleaning;Going To Bed
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2024 Mon Dec 30 12:35 AM
I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & INADEQUATE
WHY = Chaos's music playing on the drive home. I genuinely do love him so, so much.
But I'm also terribly aware of the esthiofoni and their fears & compulsions. Our past is so disgusting & humiliating & traumatic.
I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm scared to death of it. But tomorrow is already full of threats & danger. It might be impossible to get through it undamaged.
That makes me so angry it turns into weeping.
I want to LIVE. I want to LOVE. To hell with food. Why can't it just STOP for good?
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Home,Going To Bed
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2024 Mon Dec 30 5:32 AM
I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & RESIGNED
WHY = 3 hours of sleep.
SO MUCH to do today.
Already exhausted. Scared too.
God get us through it SAFELY, please.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day
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2024 Mon Dec 30 6:53 AM
I'M FEELING = ENRAPTURED
WHY = CHURCH!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Church,Adoration,
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2024 Mon Dec 30 8:50 AM
I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & ECSTATIC
WHY = INFINITII AND I TOGETHER IN HEARTSPACE.
ZE IS FINALLY STARTING TO COME BACK.
THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU GOD, SO MUCH
All this started with the ""missing"" altar wine today.
Turns out the Good Lord had other better plans for me as far as Blood is concerned.
My heart ACHES with love and also crystallized wounds.
I feel ALIVE & REAL.
CONTEXT TAGS = With Infinitii,Heartspace,Talking To Infinitii
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2024 Mon Dec 30 10:27 AM
I'M FEELING = PRODUCTIVE & GRATEFUL
WHY = GOD IS GOOD BRO
CONTEXT TAGS = With Genesis,Commuting;Shopping,Shopping;Talking To Genesis
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2024 Mon Dec 30 10:38 AM
I'M FEELING = RUSHED & CONFIDENT
WHY = Tight schedule but we're getting it done bro
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Genesis,Commuting,Driving;Shopping
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2024 Mon Dec 30 5:25 PM
I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & DETERMINED
WHY = Massive food drive binge... PLAN.
I can still stop this from getting insane.
We HAVE the power AND authority AND FREEDOM to TRASH IT ALL.
NO ONE IS OBLIGATED TO EAT THIS GARBAGE.
YOU ARE ALL ALLOWED TO SAY ""NO""!!!
I hate having to destroy food. I really do.
But this could've been SO MUCH WORSE.
Count your blessings & FIGHT VICE!!!
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning
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2024 Mon Dec 30 9:44 PM
I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & SCARED
WHY = So sick from weird foods.
I don't want to have to eat these things.
Exhausted, dizzy, nauseous. But it's over.
I hope to God I can sleep
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior
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2024 Tue Dec 31 4:18 AM
I'M FEELING = BLESSED & HAPPY
WHY = We got through the day and we're ending it together.
I love us all so much.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Headspace;Couch,Talking To Central;Going To Bed;Journaling;Talking To Chaos 0
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2024 Tue Dec 31 10:48 AM
I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & IRRITATED
WHY = I want to sleep but phone call woke me up.
Schedule unpredictability stress.
Stupid Tumblr distraction.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Talking To Mom;Internet Browsing
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2024 Tue Dec 31 2:46 PM
I'M FEELING = RUSHED & NERVOUS
WHY = Gotta eat breakfast quickly so we can go to church and then go up moms house for the evening.
Scared already. Overwhelmed. But we have to trust in God and do our best.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Getting Ready For Church
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2024 Tue Dec 31 8:05 PM
I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & SCARED
WHY = Put a whole puzzle together in record time!
But now we gotta eat SHRIMP
CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Puzzles
