"how we feel" march 9-16 2025
Mar. 16th, 2025 10:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed2025 Sun Mar 9 5:49 AM
I'M FEELING = ATTENTIVE & COMPETENT
WHY = Budget planning & reading Catholic Answers.
Did the Gratitude Journal too.
Can't sleep so we're being productive!
Church is in FOUR HOURS!
REFLECT = "Engaging in research and planning can certainly enhance feelings of attentiveness and competence. What aspects of your work or activities have been most engaging or fulfilling, despite the late hour?"
REPLY = We're growing in knowledge of our faith, which is giving us moral clarity & spiritual direction, along with stern yet loving conviction so we know Exactly how & why we're going wrong, plus how to correct it.
We're also gaining a sense of groundedness & direction from budget planning, so we no longer feel lost & aimless & irresponsible.
We're putting down a more solid foundation for our future. This gives us hope.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Business Work;Research
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2025 Sun Mar 9 1:54 PM
I'M FEELING = MOVED & CHALLENGED
WHY = It's slowly but surely hitting deeper how much Jesus loves me.
He's driving the point home through MUSIC, mind you. So don't get rid of it for Lent, because when used wisely and piously it ACTUALLY BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO HIM and THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF LENT.
Nervous about eating 1200k on Sunday again (the one day I challenge myself to eat ""the normal amount""). But I need to put the effort in for Jesus's sake. I can't purposely restrict on the Sabbath.
REFLECT = "It seems like this spiritual practice is both moving and perhaps a bit challenging for you. What part of this reflection feels most significant to you right now?"
REPLY = I'm only challenged BECAUSE I have been moved! Without my heart being touched & awakened-- typically by something that HURTS-- I am not receptive enough for GRACE to get into my blood.
I want to be open to God at ALL times, in ALL things, no exceptions.
INSIGHT = "Being open to experiencing both pain and grace can deepen spiritual receptivity and connection. Embracing all emotions can lead to a more profound understanding of faith and a closer relationship with God."
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Listening To Music;Exercising;Meal Planning;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Sun Mar 9 4:58 PM
I'M FEELING = RESTLESS & DISCOMBOBULATED
WHY = TOO MUCH COMPARING & STUDYING, NOT ENOUGH READING & RECEPTIVITY!!!
REFLECT = "It's understandable to feel restless and discombobulated when there's a lot of internal pressure around study and comparison. What might help shift the focus towards more receptive and peaceful moments?"
REPLY = Oh gosh, am I trying to learn "on MY OWN power"?? As opposed to just letting the Holy Spirit speak?
It's this weird fear that, if I don't compare ALL the translations and read ALL the commentaries, then I'll "miss the Truth". I do the same thing with food, you notice. I'm not sure of the ultimate root yet, but there's a real terror of "the answer is in the one place you were too lazy to check." But it's all pride-based. it's all "me." And I hate it. I just want to LET GOD SPEAK TO ME.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Sun Mar 9 7:18 PM
I'M FEELING = PANICKED & CONTEMPT
WHY = Ate too much hempseed out of ""hunger."" 1250k.
Furious with myself but also SCARED TO DEATH?
Eating keeps triggering Massive panic attacks.
Moral terror isn't helping.
Could THAT be the cause???
REFLECT = "Experiencing such a strong combination of emotions can be overwhelming. What kind of support or actions help you find comfort or safety during these intense moments?"
REPLY = I'm honestly just trying to dissociate & depersonalize so I'm not conscious of it. Hopefully it will go away.
The BEST thing to do, which I forgot (hence the asinine eating) is, before even leaving the table, to TOTALLY DISSOCIATE for like an hour. Do some Pokemon battles if you have to, or watch some POSITIVE religious vids. Just BREAK THE CONTEXT OF FOOD for long enough that you don't do something stupid.
INSIGHT = "Breaking the context around food by engaging in other activities can create space to manage overwhelming feelings and reduce impulsive behaviors. Finding positive distractions may help navigate intense moments more effectively."
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Sick;Just Finished Eating
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2025 Sun Mar 9 11:34 PM
I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & BURDENED
WHY = HOURS of nutrition research.
I DID find some absolutely key insights, thank You God.
But... there's also so much sheer data. It makes eating a Herculean effort. Does it?
My brain is just burnt out by technical talk.
REFLECT = "It sounds like there's a lot of information to sift through, and it can feel overwhelming. What parts of the research have had the most significant impact on your feelings of being burdened?"
REPLY= I don't think I actually "cope with" the overwhelm? That's a sobering realization. What I theorize i should do is remind myself that I do not "HAVE to have it ALL figured out NOW," and flawlessly so. That's pride, again, and controlling behaviors masking my feelings of helpless powerless overwhelm. All this data feels like life & death, as it deals with health & survival. That's the ultimate psychic burden: "if i don't put this into perfect practice, in full, immediately, i will DIE." And it's physically/ financially/ temporally exhausting to boot. I'm yearning for simplicity.
But what's my real priority? A "perfect diet/ body/ macro plan/ etc." OR a striving for perfection of the SOUL, as in Matthew 5:48?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Meal Planning;Research
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2025 Mon Mar 10 7:28 AM
I'M FEELING = SECURE & CONCERNED
WHY = Concerned about PCP appointment today, and packed schedule rushing tomorrow.
But God holds me in His Loving Arms.
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Church,At Church
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2025 Mon Mar 10 1:35 PM
I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & FRAZZLED
WHY = 5 HOURS ON THE ROAD this morning.
Even MORE for the NEXT FOUR DAYS.
CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Medical Appointment
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2025 Mon Mar 10 3:34 PM
I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & OKAY
WHY = FINALLY breakfast and Bible study.
I just want to focus on this.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Mon Mar 10 11:01 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & HOLLOW
WHY = Minor panic+nausea bp.
But our body is WRECKED.
Somehow, eating and purging LESS makes us MUCH SICKER. Our blood sugar is scary high.
WHY CAN'T WE STOP????
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Recovering;Sick
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2025 Tue Mar 11 8:24 AM
I'M FEELING = RUSHED & AGITATED
WHY = SO MUCH to do today.
Still horrifically sick from yesterday.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public,Home;Commuting,Psychology Appointment;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling
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2025 Tue Mar 11 10:31 PM
I'M FEELING = SPENT & ABUSED
WHY = Today was insane. Hot, crowded, busy, rushed.
BP late.
But God is helping me.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Wed Mar 12 2:32 AM
I'M FEELING = SAD & BURNED OUT
WHY = I am so tired it actually hurts.
God please get us through tomorrow.
CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch;Cleanup Room,Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick
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2025 Wed Mar 12 12:57 PM
I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & EXHAUSTED
WHY = The water is FINALLY BACK.
Rosary & chaplet are said.
Need to exercise & read devotionals.
Just trying to get through today.
THANK GOD YESTERDAY IS OVER!!!
REFLECT = "The return of the water seems to have brought a sense of relief with it. What aspects of yesterday were particularly challenging that make today feel like a fresh start?"
REPLY = That phrase hits deep-- "The return of the water." The water is tears of joy & contrition, is a clean heart and body, is rebirth & new life, is love & my beloved. Yesterday showed me just how horrific the "world" as separate from God is. I experienced so much psychological and physical hell. But... today, it's over. The water is back on. I pray to God it stays forever.
CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Praying;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling
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2025 Wed Mar 12 2:21 PM
I'M FEELING = SERENE & REVERENT
WHY = Choir music temporarily transporting my soul out of this world. Genuine peace for a while.
REFLECT = "What aspects of this serene experience can you incorporate into your daily routine to maintain this sense of peace? Consider whether there are other activities or settings that might also offer this feeling of tranquility. How might these adjustments influence your overall well-being?"
REPLY = 1. LISTEN TO CHOIR MUSIC EVERY DAY. I'm serious. it helps SO MUCH.
2. BUT! Listen to it with your EYES CLOSED. Let it completely take you out of this world.
3. Other things that offer tranquility? ADORATION. KEEP GOING TO SEE HIM. He's the One the choirs sing ABOUT!
4. If you do this, ESPECIALLY when panic hits, I GUARANTEE that your disordered behaviors will DISAPPEAR in their wake, like how the rain washes everything pure again.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising
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2025 Wed Mar 12 10:59 PM
I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & EXHAUSTED
WHY = Tomorrow's schedule is a mess. I have no idea what to do.
Should I go to Bible study? Or Saint Ann's?
I don't want to waste mom's gasoline.
I'm already burnt out from stress.
Honestly I just want quiet time with Jesus.
Maybe I should just go to Adoration.
REFLECT = "Consider the most essential task on your schedule for tomorrow. How can you reconsider the timing or necessity of other activities to reduce stress and prioritize self-care? What is one peaceful or fulfilling thing you can incorporate, such as the time for quiet reflection or Adoration, to calm your mind?"
REPLY = Church is essential. The stressor is WHICH CHURCH.
But... although Bible study is nice, I think social interaction will burn me out more. Or will it edify me?
And I still NEED to go to Adoration. Going to Bible Study will push my schedule forward two hours. I would rather start my day in quiet reflection.
I'm so conflicted. BUT self-care kind of demands the stillness right now. Everything is about timing and it feels like there's no right answer.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Going To Bed;Day Scheduling;Sick
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2025 Thu Mar 13 10:00 AM
I'M FEELING = PENSIVE & PROTECTIVE
WHY = BIBLE STUDY
CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,Book Club
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2025 Thu Mar 13 7:17 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & DISTRESSED
WHY = Too much cucumber and zucchini again. Legitimately ill.
Stop this.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Thu Mar 13 10:22 PM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & TRAPPED
WHY = Terrifyingly sick.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior;Sick
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2025 Fri Mar 14 3:02 PM
I'M FEELING = WEARY & DESOLATE
WHY = Horrific trauma nightmares.
Too tired to even get out of bed.
Life feels utterly bleak.
But today's devotions showed us just what the deadly wound is.
So there is still, somehow, strangely, hope.
Thanks be to God.
REFLECT = "It's incredibly challenging to carry the weight of nightmares and trauma. How has your sense of hope influenced your outlook on the rest of the day?"
REPLY = God still loves me. Somehow even this fits into His Good Plans for me. if nothing else, after all, it IS "bringing us back" to where we tried to start again in late December. we NEED to face & discuss this. but we couldn't see the depth of the wound until now I guess.
I don't know. but God does. that's my only hope. virtue in extremis. that's when hope proves itself more powerfully than ever. if that's my virtue, then God, make me so anchored in this hope that nothing can shake it, not even the trauma nightmares. God is still stronger. His Love is UNTOUCHED & INVINCIBLE. I will cling to that Truth. it's all I have. it's all I need.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Getting Ready For The Day;Trauma Ruminating
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2025 Fri Mar 14 6:19 PM
I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & FRAGILE
WHY = I need comfort & mercy so badly today.
Trying to find Scripture that doesn't feel like a bludgeon to my soul right now.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Fri Mar 14 11:02 PM
I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & HELPLESS
WHY = Got horribly sick from dinner again.
What am I supposed to eat?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Sat Mar 15 11:33 AM
I'M FEELING = DISENCHANTED & APPREHENSIVE
WHY = Just realized that I really don't like Pokemon.
Can't get to church until late again.
Still terrified of eating.
God I'm so tired of being sick.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Meal Planning
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2025 Sat Mar 15 1:12 PM
I'M FEELING = SCARED & BURDENED
WHY = Conscience is devouring me.
Still absolutely terrified to eat.
Dreading confession, yet I want and need it more than air.
I just want to be free.
What's broken so badly in me?
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat
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2025 Sat Mar 15 8:10 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & NAUSEATED
WHY = We've been sick FOR 5 HOURS.
No more hemp seeds. This is insane.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior
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2025 Sun Mar 16 1:14 PM
I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & EMPTY
WHY = Daily survival is ironically killing me.
I don't know what to do. I have no strength left.
All I can do is cling blindly to Christ.
I have to trust that, despite everything, He still has a good plan for my life.
And even if I die, He is my hope.
That's enough.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling
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2025 Sun Mar 16 5:55 PM
I'M FEELING = PENSIVE & OKAY
WHY = Broccoli isn't making us sick. Hopefully it stays that way!
Studying the Greek for Titus, about Christian character. It's deeply edifying.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture
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2025 Sun Mar 16 9:15 PM
I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & REMORSEFUL
WHY = "Healthy binged" on vegetables due to hunger.
Still wasted it all. Still a sin.
I'm so sorry for how much I've used & betrayed others with this. I want to STOP.
I want to stop hurting myself too.
I'm so scared I'll end up back in the hospital.
CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Reading Scripture
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2025 Sun Mar 16 11:55 PM
I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & HOLLOW
WHY = Blood glucose DROP.
Didn't perfect everything so we "gained weight."
Triggered CONTAMINATION TERROR.
Made me realize I'm AFRAID of "feeling energetic" from eating?? Like I WANT to feel weak/ sick; it feels SAFE/ PURE/ NORMAL.
Also eating meat makes me feel utterly horrible.
CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Mary,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Recovering;Sick
