013023

[prismaticbleed]

 
Bradycardia last night
inexplicable. literally dropped to 44. couldn't even breathe. convinced we were going to die

Woke up ABSOLUTELY SEASICK

drove to aldi after small bk (on the low-fiber diet today)
Intuitive stop
Had BROTH THAT WE'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO!!! THANK GOD
Also Gatorade & babyfood for emergency calories

Walmart = more babyfood meat, more electrolytes
basically just stocking up for pre & post procedure

Rushed small lunch & got back into car
Gastro called on the drive up, concerned about our symptoms
Burning pain in lungs? Chills, exhausted, shaky. Chest feels funny. Still SO FREAKIN LIGHTHEADED

MASS AT DVM!
GADARENE GOSPEL. Meant so much to hear.
Homily short & sweet as always "great faith works wonders"
left letter in mailbox. No one knows but me & God. Secret acts of kindness

Shoprite stop
Got oat bran, powerade & cottage cheese
Fortunes not on sale anymore
BUT THEY ARE AT REDNERS! Got em there

Home
Still so so dizzy & sick
Called geisinger, spoke to nurse
Said our symptoms were "highly concerning" and sent us to URGENT CARE

Read "the real jesus" while we waited

Realizing we haven't been in a hospital environment with the system since 2021????
WHO THE HECK EVEN FRONTS IN DOCTORS OFFICES???

mom called
Met us at apartment
WOULDNT STOP TALKING
WOULD'NT LEAVE
felt so bad, torn between survival and social niceties
it was so so so traumatic to eat in that context, immediate dissociative panic
BRIEF MELTDOWN IN KITCHEN
self-abusing and total lack of environmental comprehension
mom immediately went cold & sharp
"This is just as bad as living with [Jade]."
"Yeah well thats because I'm mentally ill too"

Numbing out in car, thousand yard stare, TOTAL disconnection from body
Dissociated for most of ER drive
mom left us off without a word really

Got ekg, bloodwork, xray
Totally depersonalized for ALL of it

Now sitting in waiting room for 3.5 hours reading December entries to get back in touch with our heart
it's working. thanks be to God.
note to selves: whenever a numb-ass social comes up who wants to deny the system you REMIND THEM OF WHAT A VACUOUS HELLSCAPE "LIFE" IS WITHOUT THE SYSTEM.
i needed this so so so much. thank you God.
i love all of us. i really do.

BRIEF HEADSPACE "FLASHES"
MIMIC & JOSEPHINA?????
Jo in the "Gimmelwald safe place" w the tiny yellow flowers. Ghostly. "This is all I have left of me"??? Forsythia vibes all-around him. Felt like a dream. Sudden "shocked awake"
With Mimic we were floating in unformed space?? What's the name for that? happened out of nowhere. probably because my brain is a mess right now. 
I was all LIGHT, with RED hair!!! He was indigo and black; luminous but not OF light like I was
I embraced him suddenly & said something to him like "i don't want to lose you" "i don't want you to die" still always so shocked by how soft he is up close
He pushed me back a bit, by the shoulders, giving me that hard-edged look "why do you care?" Forget the words. But it was that resistance; that knee-jerk attempted denial, out of vulnerability fear.
But. Then he started to legit tear up. I'm serious. like something cracked.
Said like "I can't hide things in here"?? Confessed, reluctantly and with gritted teeth, that he couldn't shut down or ignore emotions or painful truths here. Whatever this place was.
I saw him so clearly, it was unreal.
"I do care about you"

Later
Out of NOWHERE he pulls me back into floatspace and bluntly kisses ME on the chest
IMMEDIATE NEW SOUL WINGS WTF
shock of it threw me out of floatspace temporarily
Things getting so conceptual. More dreams than anything else. Seeing tears running down mimics face. He seemed almost in shock. obviously not-all-there in his head. too much bleedover emotion. symptom of being too long in this space, especially around me, infamously so
Immediately realizing how much I effervesce in floatspace
Going into MOBIAN form??? Oddly Digimon-esque. Angelic. Same size as him now. Took face in my hands, he looked confused and almost defensive frustrated but also about to sob
"if you stay in this space for too long you'll pick up too much of me"
"define too much" with a dry aching laugh
caught me totally off guard
"You'll lose yourself"
"Myself HURTS."
Here you can FEEL the pain of walls and a closed heart. It honestly hurts. Floatspace mandates vulnerability? which he would never choose on his own. But now that he was in it he NEEDED to feel it??? Like a planetary weight being lifted from his cloaked shoulders. Just letting himself break a little. Letting the light in at last.
...well geez Louise I guess I did threaten this haha



Remember from the other day with Lynne:
CELLOS are VERMILLION; VIOLINS are ORANGE???

Mimic being able to "ghost without learning" is because I'M FRONTING IN THE BODY??? Makes bodylife a "LIMINAL SPACE" and THAT'S WHY THE APARTMENT SOLITUDE IS SO BLOODY IMPORTANT

Thinking about Jesus, here in the ER. Distressed, as usual, that i feel like I don't "know Him" as a PERSON. I know His teachings, i hear them every day, but... I'm struggling to know his personality. Is that valid? Is that important? No one EVER talked about this in our Catholic upbringing. Everyone tells you "Jesus loves you," etc. But it's like a theory, just an empty sentence, when you've never MET the guy. How can I have a personal relationship with Jesus otherwise?
...and once again I know Headspace is our saving grace here.
I CAN meet Him up here. I HAVE met Him.
...
...I'm also thinking, with staggering love and awe, how I actually know Christ more than I ever realized before because, if God is Love and Light itself, then... all of the loving and brilliant things I treasure in others ORIGINATE IN HIM. which means, I hopefully surmise, that HE ACTS IN THOSE SAME WAYS, but PERFECTLY so.
...I'm imagining Him in those circumstances. Those moments where heaven feels close enough to touch. Those moments where my heart feels like a supernova or tidal wave or Christmas tree. In every one of those blessed moments, HE IS THERE. At the core of all beauty, there is God.
...I'm imagining Him protecting me like Laurie. Consoling me. Fiercely reassuring me of Truth with hot tears in His ardent eyes and His hands strongly holding me from falling.
...

Quotes from entry that MUST DESCRIBE CHRIST AS WELL:
-courage. 
-absolute victorious faith.
-the persistent hope despite all odds.
-the incredible charity in the face of violent evil.
-love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything
-the God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy,
-refuse to stand down or compromise it. 
-they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. 
-it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once.
-the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it.



ALSO BINGETALK FROM THIS
https://prismaticbleed.dreamwidth.org/187246.html
THE ED WAS SO BAD IN CNC BECAUSE
1. ISOLATED QUIET MANDATES SELF AWARENESS AND WE WERE TOO TRAUMATIZED TO COPE
2. FORCING EATING IS A RAPE ANALOGY
3. BINGES FORCE EMOTIONAL SHUTDOWN & DISSOCIATION
4. BINGES ALLOW US TO "RELIVE" RAPE TRAUMA IN A "CONTROLLABLE CONTEXT" (ALLEGEDLY) AND THEREFORE ATTACH THE PANIC AND TERROR RESPONSES TO IT THAT WERE OTHERWISE BURIED & DENIED
5. PURGES "DESTROY" THE TRAUMATIC INVASION
6. THE WHOLE DAMN THING WAS A SURVIVAL MECHANISM
7. DON'T HATE YOURSELF FOR BEING SO UNSTABLE AND ADDICTED WHEN YOU WERE LEGIT JUST TRYING TO STAY RELATIVELY SANE
8. OH YEAH AND BINGES SHUT DOWN HEADSPACE. SO IF WE EXPERIENCED THE TRAUMA AS A SYSTEM, THE LITERAL MEMORIES ARE INACCESSIBLE DURING A BINGE


On ER hall bed later
LYNNE SERIOUSLY CHOOSING ORANGE
"I WANT TO PROTECT THE BROWNS"
She CANNOT hold her original "intended" role because she BECAME HER OWN PERSON
Not cerise at all
Vermilion close but totally different JOB
on stage, with violin, "THIS ISN'T ME"
NOT A SOCIAL!! NOT A PERFORMER!!
NEEDS / WANTS TO CLARIFY & PURIFY ORANGE IN THAT RESPECT
Missing Spine so much she's in tears
Seeing her "ghostlike" in flashes?
"She can't stay dead; I love her too much"


330AM WE'RE DISCHARGED AT LAST
AND IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE HALLELUJAH!
Both Genesis & Mimic are happy about this; Gen is HYPE but Mim is playing it cool aha. Still I see his eyes light up. That day meant a lot to all of us

Astra is picking us up God bless em
Otherwise we'd have to wait until 6am for a bus but we are DEAD TIRED SON
Gonna sleep until noon